falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by tomboy24 » Sun Apr 07, 2013 6:39 am

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Re: falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by lifelongthing » Sun Apr 07, 2013 6:58 am

Re: falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by TooCloseToTheEdge » Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:23 am

Re: falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by AliasForAFew » Sun Apr 07, 2013 5:05 pm

It will be okay, Cassie. We're sorry you're going through such a tough time, we really are.
perhaps at some point you can just wrap yourself up in a blanket, turn the lights off, and do some relaxation exercises?
It will be okay, dear. Safe hugs and warm thoughts to you.

The Troupe

Re: falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by ThatPerson » Sun Apr 07, 2013 11:29 pm

Re: falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by tomboy24 » Sun Apr 07, 2013 11:38 pm

thank you all.

shay ended up smoking some and then going to bed.

sleep kinda helped

but it's still just so much

so much processing

so much input

cassandra seems to be doing better than i am when shes' out

but i don't think she can sense shay like i can either

thikn shay's coconscious with who's out but not with cassandra

or something

i don't know

so much input

input input input input

so much processing

don't like lights

but dont liek dark

in dark i see things

scary things

some light ok

dim light

too much light is too much

input input input input input

gonna try relax today

feel like fallin g apart

still will try relax

input input input input input





- cassie

Re: falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by user110867 » Mon Apr 08, 2013 12:03 am

Re: falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by lifelongthing » Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:31 am

Re: falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by Nina11 » Mon Apr 08, 2013 12:44 pm

Re: falling apart *maybe trigger warning*

by tomboy24 » Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:39 pm

there's only so much rest
one can get

only so much

rest isn't helping

still there

so much input

so much all the time

see see see hear hear hear touch touch touch input input input process process process

it doesn't feel like it's part of whatever was going on before

it doesn't feel like a process or a phase or anything

and rest isn't helping

nothing is helping

always there just input input input input

always there

just like shay was always there as a radio

now we're aware she's (almost) always there as herself

aware aware aware of so much

know know know so much

feel so much

share so much

why why why so much share

coconsciousness to new level

but all the time

all the time

why why why

input input input input input

remember

remember it used to kinda be like this sometimes when the body was younger

but not this much

not all the time and not this much

input input input input input input input

so much so much so much so much

hard express

hard find words

hate hate hate hate hate

what used to be so easy becoming hard

falling apart

hate hate hate hate hate

why why why why




- cassie (age ?)




Just like junior year of high school. Everything's falling apart. Only not as rapidly. Not as instantly. Slow descent. But not into madness. That's something else that's still also going on according to Cassie. This is a descent into dysfunction. Into not being able to function as well. Or at least not show or express the functioning that's going on well.

Some of us still have distance. Cassandra. Apparently myself. Most likely others that were not around much in childhood. Because they already have separation from Shay, at least more than those like Cassie or Blank would have, since they were around in childhood more. As for Cassandra, she's the face of normality. She was built to block things out, not be as co-conscious in the sense of sharing feelings and input processes and such. Of course she's seeming to be the least affected by this awakening of a new level of awareness, new level of constant co-consciousness with the one that is almost always there, just usually in the background- Shay.

Seems to be one thing after another.
First it was Cassie alone, to have things develop, to have her inner world develop. Why, who knows, all I know is that changes and developments were happening that couldn't happen if we were all there still.
Then Cassidy started trying to "close the eyes" and such, and that's still going on, and the first thing hasn't even been resolved yet.
And now we have this, on top of the already two unresolved things we have going on, now we have this new level of awareness and co-consciousness and sharing going on.
What next?
When will stuff start getting resolved?
How much more is going to be added on to our plate and do we have the room?

~L.C.





not
try

not
try
share

not
know
why
happen

know
shay
bit
different
from
others

vdrtgjuytgfb

hfgbhjuh



Shay's thoughts:
"I know I'm different from the others. But not that different. They still have input like I do sometimes. Their's just isn't as much and not as constant. They learned to mimic and act better than I did. They learned how to adjust better than I did. They are able to adjust and mimic and act better than I can. What they have actually learned, they were able to learn better and easier than I could/can. That is ok. That is the point of dissociating and adjusting for survival. But now everything that I'm used to, that's normal for me, is being shared with others that are out and I don't know why. I hear guesses of it being because they're becoming more aware of how I'm almost always there and becoming more aware of being co-conscious with me and being more co-conscious with me in general. But I don't know why now. There's already so much going on. Not- there's- so- I- don't- WORDS I HATE YOU! BRAIN I HATE YOU! Hard. Too hard. Too hard to find words. To think. To express. So hard. Hate that it's hard!"

-written here by L.C.

{[<>]} ((*)) [(^)] {{~~}} <[{()}]>



~s
h
a
y~