Couldn't do it

Today i had what I like to call "a perfection attack"
I seriously think I have OCD but I'm not diagnosed, so I try not to say I am(which is kinda ironic because I say I have did and haven't been diagnosedwe are proof. There's no way it could be anything else. but I have proof I'm OCD so.......) I used to say I was all the time but I shouldn't unless I have a diagnoses in hand. ANYWAYS. It got to the point were I was hyperventilating and I either passed out, or switched. Good thing, I was hidden in an emty wing at my school. All I could think about was TRIGGER WARNING how chipped the paint was and how crooked and buckled the floor was and how I couldn't fix it. I counted, didn't help, the blacked out. Don't think much time passed but I was still were I left myself so either is possible. I couldn't stop hyperventilating and the time I was gone didn't calm me down. I got myself down to the counclers office and calmed down and the social worker was there and I was supposed to say something about why I was so stressed but I couldn't do it I couldn't tell.

I feel like I'm breaking. Eventually I'll split into a fragment of myself.

I couldn't do it.

I NEED this change to happen, but I have to do it myself.

I need to be able to have that strength inside me.

But I can't do it. I couldn't. I'm always much a better writer than talker. I have to rehearse what I'm planning on saying before I do or else It will come out SO wrong.

Why can't I do it?

Is it a subconscious thing? Like how denial pulls you back to how it was before DID ? Could this fear to tell be to keep me from dealing with the change?



not supposed to tell stupid. You now that. STUPID. They do nothing. You now nothing stupid.

Froggy hops froggy falls froggy hurts. The froggy did not land on the Lily like it was sposed to. It did not listen. Froggy alive. Froggy hurt.

......what the hell......
....I fu**ing give up......

~jackilyn

I think you're the Froggy, Jackilyn.
-Shadow

Thank you for sharing this, though we are very sorry that things are tough right now.

Funny, we're kinda the opposite. We have proof that we're DID, and proof that we're OCD, but Cassandra doesn't want to just start adding on things, so she accepts the DID, but won't accept that we're most likely OCD as well.

You might feel like you're breaking, but you won't split into a fragment of yourself. That's not how this happens. Instead, you're probably feeling the dissociation that's going on, which is causing you to feel like you're breaking and worry about "splitting" because with dissociation, you're detaching yourself from reality and from well, yourself in the sense of you detach from emotions and such to better cope with what's going on.

Were you trying to talk about the DID, or just the OCD stuff that had happened with the counselor?

Keep in mind that the whole point of DDNOS-1/DID is to help the host, which would be you, cope with things while seeming and acting as "normal" and "ok" as possible. So if parts/alters are found out about or learned about by you or even others, like the counselor, that's not helping you to seem or act as "normal" or "ok" as possible, so your brain's going to try to help things hide by defensive mechanisms like doubt/denial, letting fear "freeze" your mouth and not being able to talk about stuff, etc.

Also keep in mind that it's possible for alters to not want themselves or things in general to be known about or learned about, or talked about, especially with other people, so it's also possible that you had an alter influencing you to not talk and such.

We are also much better writers than talkers for the most part. With some stuff, we simply handed our therapist (back when we were in therapy) a note we'd written about it for her to read instead of even trying to talk about it or bring it up verbally. Perhaps you could try that next time?

The green-ish text sounds like it doesn't want things to be talked about or known about. They seem to be saying something along the lines of, using a frog analogy, "Do what you're supposed to do and you will stay and be safe." And apparently to this part, one of those things you're "supposed" to do is not talk about DID-related stuff to other people. This part probably thinks that if you talk about such things, you will be hurt in some way.


Hope things get better soon. Hang in there.


~Mixture

Shadow, I think your right. But this time. Last time lily used the analogy it was towards renae. But, I think it may be a way of scaring us, or expressing things she can't.

Tomboy24,
She asked me what I was stressed about and I needed to say stuff about home. It was the most convenient time to cry for help. It was most Likly the rosiest time I could have said something. I'm worried that because I appear so normal, people won't believe me.

The good news, I
Feel comfortable talking with her again. I don't know what it was that clicked but that feeling she doubted me, is gone. Is it normal to pull away when you think people doubt you?

So much for telling no matter what:/

should I want them to know? Should I just be ok with it?
All I can feel is like this undid knowing it won't end well. I dunno.

To hell with it all. I only have 4 more years.

That's one of the biggest troubles with dissociative disorders. The whole point of them is to cope with things while appearing normal and being able to still function to at least some degree, so we're always worried that people will doubt us because we have the ability to seem normal and functional.

But one must start somewhere.

It is very normal to pull away from people if you think they may doubt you, or fear what their reaction will be, or something like that.

It is extremely hard to tell no matter what. L.C. had to do the "tell no matter what" for us with our second therapist because no one else could do it, and she used how apathetic she is/can be to everything to just talk without a care in the world, laying out all of our cards on the table.

You "shouldn't" do anything, green text (sorry, can't see your name right now if it's listed). Having them know means they could possibly help you in some ways, and understand you more, and support you. You don't have to be ok with it, though. Many people don't feel ok about things that could be good or helpful to/for them. That's because change, no matter what, even if it could be for the better, is always scary. We are sorry but we don't really understand the second sentence... Why do you feel it won't end well, though?


~Mixture

What's important is that you tried. You did what you were able to do right now. You are making huge strides, even if you weren't able to tell.

You are in our thoughts.

Plz check my YouTube cuz I have a video up for all of you soon

Thank you for the head's up Will check it out now

oh wow you mentioned us I'm happy we were able to say something that helped you in some way. You are in our thoughts, honestly.

Might we be messaged with a link to the channel? We are notorious for losing such things... Sorry