venting **Trigger**

she hasn't done anything wrong, yet I hate her so.
Every time she talks to Leslie or me or anyone in the system it panics me.
I hate being the bad guy.
Everyone thinks I'm a jerk for freaking out when she calls.
no. no. no. no. no.
This is bad.
Bad.
BAD.
I want to cry.
I feel like a kid.
Flashbacks.
She brings us flashbacks.
I don't know why.
No.
no.
no.
wiuuwrur


lisa made us go behind the tree



Jenna insisted...

Crystal made me



She's Leslie's best friend.
what do I do?
I feel sick.
I feel another breakdown coming.
d*mn it.
NO!
Girls are bad.
Girls mean danger.
No more girls.
They only hurt us.
They only hurt us.

You sound unheard and misunderstood.

It s very hard for others to feel what you feel, so it s easier for them to pretend it s not true.

Let them feel your pain and then talk again.

You re the bad person now, cause they DONT UNDERSTAND you. To me, you re not bad; You sound like a scared little boy.

Girls can be mean; but they can be nice too. It s nice to learn that. If you want to talk more, Im here.
Nina11

I think I'm regressing
In age.
Back and forth.
I'm a small boy, but then I can be 17
I can be adventurous
I can be scared
I am scared now
I am stronger than girls
I can over power them

Make them suffer

Make them feel the pain they caused me and leslie
Boys hurt us too
asher hurts me now
he refuses my love
just because I'm separate from leslie
he said he's be able to be with me if I merged
so either die and be with him or not at all
good
who cares.
not me

yes boys can feel pain too.
It s a misconception to think otherwhise.

How did they hurt you?

You can make them feel your hurt without hurtin them? It s like lettin them see a movie they feel very drawn too an d they ll understand apologise and try to make it better again.

You don t need to merge if you don t want to.

It must be confusin changin age all the time.

You ll get through this. And once they realise the pain you ve been through, they ll know you re not a freak,but just a boy hurtin badly in need of help, a hug, whatever.

Can I do somethin for you?

Love

Nina11

I just...I don't know.
I think I have PTSD

I hate this.
I hate the panic
euieyeyieno...no
the girls...
they'd pressure me into doing sexual things with them at a young age
They told me I had to
they told leslie to be a boy
so here I am
a boy
better than being a stupid girl
girls always bullied us
our aunt was emotionally and possibly physically abusive
lulu sent leslie flashbacks
rwertewyoitrewoiyrt3pqwv5gb382



i don't wanna
no
please
no
!!!!!!

-- Thu Apr 04, 2013 1:30 am --

some girls are ok
but leslie's best friend
she likes us as more than a friend
that will end bad
she can't
I don't want her to break leslie and asher up
I don't wanna be with a girl
girls give flashbacks.
they scare me
leslie loves asher
I love asher we love asher
no.
why won't that girl stop feeling that way
no
not happpening
never

take a step back here.

you re in the here and now. You re writin to me. About hard things; But they are gone now. They re not here.
You re safe here.

Girls can be very mean and you don t deserve that. You deserve to be treated with respect and great care cause your special and need to feel loved.

Let the flash backs go. See them, feel them, then shake them off. Think of a safe place where you can hide as long as they hunt you. Is that of any help.

I m holdin your hand. You re not alone in this.

Nina11

-- Thu Apr 04, 2013 1:33 am --

girls can be safe too.
Make sure you find one and then experience how it is to regain trust. In the meantime, keep talkin.
Love
Nina11

thank you
i'm trying to keep calm
i'm trying to forgive
and forge new paths
maybe i'll get there
it's hard
but i'll try
thank you for your help
I think my problem is that I refuse to face things rationally
I try, but my mind won't do it in a panicked state
I just don't know how to feel calm knowing that this friend likes leslie that way
it makes me scared she'll try to trap leslie
just like justin did
they all try to guilt her into being with them
they use talking about suicide as a weapon
maybe subconsciously, but they still do it

not all girls are bad.

that's like saying all boys are bad, which they're not. or that all people are bad, which they're not.

but i'm sorry you've been hurt by girls before. (that doesn't mean that you should make them hurt in return, though).

if you don't want to be with a girl, speak up, to leslie, be strong, stand strong, and let it be known that you don't want that, and that you want leslie to watch out for possibly getting trapped.

all these people sound risky to be around! and unhealthy! they shouldn't be in your life! NO ONE should EVER use ANYTHING like guilt or suicide or ANYTHING to threaten, pressure, trap, get their way, etc. EVER. no matter how subconsciously or subtlely, that's not healthy for you to be around, that's not a good friend, and you should get them out of your life or at least have everyone ignoring them. you all need to stand strong, stand together, and help each other to help leslie or anyone else keep from getting trapped, pressured into anything, etc. you are stronger as a team.

and as for merging... merging does not equal death. you don't die or disappear or anything if you merge. merging is like two puzzle pieces coming together. the pieces are still there, they're just fitted together, and you have a larger section of the picture now, that's all merging is. if all of you merged, you'd just have a finished puzzle picture, together and whole, but made up by all of the pieces that are still there, which are your whole system.


hope you feel better soon.


i dunno if you've seen this thread, but if you haven't, it might be helpful to you. kyra used to and still has troubles with bad panic attacks and such:

-- Help with Panic Attacks?:
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101340.html


- cassie (age ?)

Merging would kill my identity
I like being just me
I don't want to be a girl
I don't want to be leslie
I know not all girls are bad, I guess
but they still bring flashbacks
they still hurt leslie emotionally
they always undermine her
they guilt her
they...they just...ddfyrsyrder
they always have to be better than her no matter what
I'm sick of them hurting her and me
the only good girls I've met are on this forum
and in the system
the others just hurt us
thank you for the link
I'm trying to get better
and about guilting into it
leslie doesn't want to be with a girl either
she loves asher
but will feel guilty if she isn't with this girl instead
because if this girl kills herself she'd blame herself.
leslie won't admit that to me or anyone, but I know it's true
I know les better than anyone
she hates hurting people
never thinks of herself, though
she needs to put herself first
but she won't

Merging would not kill your identity. Make no mistake, we are not trying to convince you to agree to it, as we wish to stay multiple ourselves, but we are simply trying to help you see that merging does not "kill" anything or make anyone "disappear" or anything like that. A puzzle piece that is a part of a completed puzzle is still the same puzzle piece, with the same shape and same part of the picture that's always been on it.


Indeed, it can be hard to find "good" girls in life. But it can be equally hard to find "good" guys. We have definitely met and known many more "bad" guys in our life than "good" ones. But we realize and recognize that this does not mean all guys are bad. They can bring flashbacks for some of us, but that is not their fault. That is the fault of whoever traumatized us, and no one else's.


We hope that you are able to help Leslie put herself first, as you are correct, that is what's needed to be done.

If that girl kills herself, that is HER fault, HER choice, and HER loss. NOT Leslie's or anyone else's. Suicide is a very, very selfish decision as it negatively affects at least one person, be it someone who knew you or a stranger, and it is NO ONE'S fault as it is that person's CHOICE and if someone truly wants something bad enough, they will find a way to get it done.


Cassandra hates hurting people too. Luna hates disappointing people and upsetting people. So much that both of them will rarely say "no" to anything or anyone. So we can definitely understand and relate to Leslie's feelings. But it is important to realize when something or someone is unhealthy for you, and it is important to realize that yes, your thoughts and wants and likes do matter, and yes, you can and should say "no" at times.


Best of luck to you all with everything.


~Mixture