I Want Alters *trigger warning*

I feel a little awkward posting here...I've watched the forums for a long time, mainly Asperger's Synd. and DID. I've been diagnosed with Major Depression, Sincere Anxiety, and Asperger's Syndrome. i don't have DID but the main reason I watch these forums is because I find it interesting, and I had an....epiphany of sorts this afternoon. The reason I watch these forums isn't just because I find it interesting...it's because I WANT alters. This probably sounds cruel to some of you, as some alters can be cruel, others don't like being a system. I feel like I'm dealing with so much pain between my Depression and everything else, (Hospitalized twice for suicide) I wish I would have developed DID. I would have an alter who could cohost with me, or a protector, just something to make it easier. I guess not just that...I want alters so I could have someone close to me...I have no friends and atrocious relations with my family. Is this wrong of me? Wishing for something that has caused other people lots of pain? Hell, if I could I would take a knife to my brain and fragment myself. I don't know what the point I'm trying to make here is...I guess I'm just seeing if anyone can relate?

I can't relate personally, but I've heard of this before, by people in person.

DID brings more obstacles than people realize, and it's easy to look at it and say "that seems better than what I have now". The discussion of which is worse bares no real significance here. You are in pain, and that is where this is coming from.

I am sorry you are struggling so much. Do you have a T you can work with to help with your problems?

Thinking of you

I do, but they don't help. They run along the lines of 'I'm making it up' and I'm exaggerating, etc. etc. Not fun or useful, but I'm required to see them regardless. Thanks for the response.

I know I felt like that back before I knew about anybody. I read When Rabbit Howls and found these boards after and thought, "It would be nice in a way to have others... Someone to be close to and protect me and maybe take over sometimes." Pretty much what you said in the first post. It makes me feel horrible that I would think like that but you're not alone.
Knowing I had those thoughts doesn't help denial at all either...

AliasForAFew wrote:I know I felt like that back before I knew about anybody.

So you're saying you used to feel like this before having a dissociative disorder? Do you think your want for something like that caused/helped it's creation, or that it had already manifested beforehand and you hadn't realized?

Well... DID is developed in early childhood due to trauma. I don't think I've ever had trauma significant enough or anything. My memory is horrible though and I have absolutely no sense of time... I felt like I read the book years ago but was only last year...
I also feel like Eric (Vernadael) as a character was only here around for almost four years but he insists that he revealed himself to me far before that.

I feel like my want was a subconscious warning of sorts... They were already there but it was about time for some surfacing to happen (which did, a few months ago now)
I'm still really, really confused about everything but I haven't made any conscious effort to create them. In fact, I've tried quite the opposite to no avail.

I had always been spacey and stuff long, long before before this so I have no idea anymore.


Tl;dr: I think my want was only a warning that they were there already and they were going to surface soon. I never made a conscious effort to create them or make them real, they just happened. So I would say that second option.

DID/DDNOS-1 is indeed developed in childhood from experiencing trauma. trauma includes anything that could be traumatic to a child, and it often doesn't seem "that bad" or "that traumatic" or "traumatic enough" when people look back on their past and what they've experienced. but then, of course, what's traumatic to a child is often not the same as what's traumatic to an adolescent, or an adult.

DID/DDNOS-1 does not develop from wanting to have it (you can fake it, but it's not real, it didn't actually develop, and you'd be faking it), nor does it develop from thoughts such as "I wish I had alters" or "that would be kinda cool to have", or anything like that.

thoughts like that can, however, sometimes be signs of the DID/DDNOS-1 that's already there surfacing to conscious knowledge/awareness, or they can sometimes help the person to become aware of the pre-existing DID/DDNOS-1, stuff like that.



as for the original post, many people sing that same song for everything. people with DID wish they were normal, or just had depression, or just had an eating disorder, or something like that. people without DID wish they had DID, or wish they had something else. no matter what you have, at some point in time, everyone has wished they had something else, that something was different, thinking that another condition/disorder seems "better" to have, etc.

DID is not a walk in the park. and it's certainly not "better" than many other conditions/disorders. especially since DID is usually not the only condition one has. it's very, very common for people with DID to also struggle with depression, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, and it's almost always "paired with" PTSD.

there are good things about DID, but then, there are good things about everything in life. there are negatives and positives to everything, life, people, conditions/disorders, etc.

it's not wrong for you to wish to have someone close to you. everyone wishes and wants someone close to them, to be cared for, heard, understood, loved, accepted, etc.
and i'm glad that you recognize that stating such a wish for alters could be cruel to some of us, because that's certainly true. it's common for alters to not want to be alters, to wish for their own bodies, to not want to be in a system, etc. and it's common for people with DID to not want DID, not want alters, not want to "deal" with DID anymore, etc.


a good thing to realize would be that DID doesn't exactly develop or go the way you want to. some systems can't co-host, some people need to put in a lot of work and time before they can be co-conscious with their alters, some alters refuse to come out unless they want to, some alters can be abusive, some alters can refuse to cooperate in any way, some people don't have an inner world or can't access it, some people have to work very hard before they have communication at all with their alters, it's different for everyone, and it's certainly not easy or exactly "fun" all the time.


people are always wishing for something they don't have, or wishing they were different than what they are/who they are, or something. and it's not a very helpful, healthy, or productive cycle to get in to. try to be happy with you who are, and try to focus on and remind yourself of the positives about yourself, your life, the day, the weather, whatever positives you can find, no matter how small or few, try to find them and focus on them. and be happy with who you are. no one else is you, no one else can be you. only you can be you, and that's a pretty special thing, just as you're a special person.


- cassie (age?)

Sometimes I wonder if I gave it to myself. I mean, I kind of wanted them too before I began discovering them. The urge to have them was such an odd feeling. I always was drawn to DID. I didn't know a lot about all of the symptoms before I began having them so this is how I know that I'm not faking, but what IF by some chance it is possible to subconsciously give them to yourself after childhood?

PLEASE don't be angered by this, but it's a theory I've had for a while...Okay so usually people who suffered trauma do crave somebody to be with them all the time so how do we know that the subconscious isn't granting us that wish by creating alters for us? Of course, there are still bad side effects of DID, but the subconscious is giving us the alters as a defense mechanism. The reason this theory hasn't been reported is maybe because it's typically people with trauma who have DID and if they don't then they simply bring up the denial theory or assume they have trauma they've forgotten. Or maybe people are afraid to admit that they think they made them up out of fear that people will be angry with them.

Please don't take offense to this, I'm not saying it's a correct theory, but you see all of these denial threads? Maybe some of us DID make the alters up and they developed into real alters subconsciously? -Hides from fear of being angered at-

Yes, I get that wishing for something that might not turn out to be what you thought, or even if it's good to you it's gone poorly for others. I'm 15 and the point I'm at between depression I can't find joy in little things....I'd need a major change to get stuff going, which might be part of why I'd be interested in having alters, it wouldn't necessarily just be a major change for me, the alters themselves could also initiate changes. Just hope for change in general, eh? Guess it could be seen as something like divine intervention even if the alter weren't divine.

Note that I only think that this is possible for some people. I'm not saying that everyone has created them, I'm just saying that it MIGHT be possible for some people. Maybe there is more than one way to develop DID?