Rambling Rant *TW*

TW

I know this is common, I know, it has been said alot, I never put it all together. I have to say it, have to get it out. Maybe I deserve this pain, I'm not exactly a good person, I've done alot I regret. I probably do deserve this. I've done bad things, shameful things, and deserve the punishment.

Fuzzy, I hurt. I'll try again for more later.

I feel like I'm saying too much, I feel like I'm saying too little, I feel like I'm lying, I feel like I'm craving attention, I feel like I want to curl up and sleep for a long time, I feel like things aren't moving and will always stay where they are, I know this is all normal, but it doesn't stop the feelings.


Nothing is ever going to f------ develop, I don't truly switch (don;t care about time loss, but really there seems to be nothing) and I NEVER WILL because it hasn't happened AND THINGS DON:T JUST F------- START HAPPENING LIKE THAT. Need to take and keep responsibility for my actions. Have to. I can't ..........................................

I just need to cry and I can't still can't no outlet for the pain, it hurts, Wish i could go inside, wrap myself in darkness, sleep, escape the pain if just for awhile. Worst of all I don't understand it.


E:
Feeling better. Maybe it was all blood sugar related, either that or eating was a somewhat calming activity, either way, well yeah.

TW

What am I?

TW

It just...isn't possible. It is for others, but not me. Maybe I have DPD or something of that nature, but nothing as severe as this. Just DP/DR. I should take the SCID-D just to prove it, but that still feels too much like validating a fantasy, just like making the lat P-doc appt did. It's all easily enough explained, some parts catching myself in fantasy, some parts a simple pronoun switch, probably made sub consciously, I automate enough of my daily actions for that to happen. Any and all memory issues, dissociative disorder or not, line up well with ADHD memory issues. I guess if anyone is willing I could use some help getting that test done, because my DES scores do warrant further investigation. Probably just end up on adderall again, despite how....uncomfortable that was. Maybe a minor panic disorder as well. Whatever. Zone out so f------- much, is it any wonder I thought it was this? Hope everyone else is doing well.

Sorry for replying so late. I've kinda... stopped being on this forum that often.

Sounds like you're having denial. It's just as possible for you as for anyone else. DID stays hidden. It happens so often I have thoughts 'I'm just pretending. This is not real.' But then alters start to jump in, do things and make sure I'm not getting caught in denial.

I think taking the SCID-D is very good. Or maybe the MID. Both are very good. I don't know how you should get that test - maybe just ask for it from a T?

TW

Thank you Oaktree, Hope you are doing well, saw you are making progress, happy for you.

Not sure what's going on with me, or what to do, or even if anything is wrong or was ever wrong. I mean it can't be denial if nothing is going on right? most of how I'm feeling is covered in previous posts so I won't get too long winded at the moment. Back is hurting again today. I might add more to this later.

ghastly-

STOP


breathe

and
open
eyes
please!


not
deserve
anything
bad

no
one
does

even
if
person
not
been
best
person
not
deserve
anything
bad

(even
though
shay
sometimes
has
thoughts
like
that)


and
it
is
possible
for
you!!

why
possible
for
others
and
not
you??

how
that
make
sense??

it
not!!

stop
trying
find
other
excuses
and
explanations
and
reasons

no
other
explanation
or
reason
explain
everything
and
cover
everything
and
fit
everything
like
DID/DDNOS-1
does


ghastly
have
symptoms

ghastly
experience
trauma

ghastly
have
proof
all
over
this
thread
alone

ghastly
is
dissociative

ghastly
has
DID
or
DDNOS-1
or
at
very
extreme
least
DDNOS


stop
trying
come
up
with
other
reasons

stop
thinking
so
different
from
others

stop
thinking
you
exception
or
something

ghastly
just
like
everyone
here
on
forum

and
is
experiencing
denial


and
why
denial
occur?

denial
only
occur
when
one
has
difficulty
coming
to
terms
with
truth

otherwise
ghastly
wouldn't
have
denial


and
this
not
fake
or
forced
and
you
not
make
self
have
it

not
happen
that
way

and
if
was
fake
would
ALWAYS
be
in
control
of
everything
and
not
have
symptoms


this
not
easy
come
terms
with

live
life
so
far
only
thinking
slightly
weird
or
different
but
still
self
then
find
out
have
parts
to
you
that
never
realize
before

course
going
to
be
hard
come
terms
with!

shay
wish
there
magic
button
make
everyone
denial
go
away


but
hawk
and
the
doctor
say
that
all
part
of
acceptance
process


when
truths
that
been
trying
hide
and
stay
hidden
are
being
realized
and
found
out
there
going
to
be
denial
and
doubt


please
recognize
it
for
what
is


know
not
alone


cassandra
experiencing
similar
thoughts
and
denial
now
too
because
found
5
new
ones
yesterday

(only
new
to
conscious
knowledge
and
awareness
not
existence)


so
ghastly
not
alone
in
thoughts,
doubts,
confusions,
struggles,
or
feelings

know
that
at
least
and
remember-
not
alone





~s
h
a
y~

TW?

Thank you Shay. Been a hard week, I think. I hope you are all doing well, I'm sorry to hear about Cassandra, hope she feels better soon. Don't have much to say right now, but I wanted to say that very much thank you...

TW

Okay can do a longer post now.

My senses are all dulled. Feel like I'm wrapped in a blanket almost. I can perceive the world around me, but it's just..... at a distance almost.

I just wish I KNEW one way or the other.

I suppose I need to make an appointment. How do I even do that? What do I say? They're the professionals right? I shouldn't just assume to tell them what is wrong.

I guess when you start questioning the validity of the whole d--- disorder it's pretty clear it's denial. (and that's not even mentioning the wilder theories and conspiracy theories )

Still just intrusive thoughts alot of the time. All gets tangled up like that. Hence confusion and denial.

TW

Something needs to be said but I don't know what it is. It's like a pressure in the back of my mind. I think it's denial, but I have voiced it so many times, and I don't want to just keep saying it every time it comes up because that makes me feel like I'm begging for attention. So f------ confused. I don't know what to do at this point, or I do and I don't know how to do it, or I do and don't want to. To be told I fit in somewhere s a strange thing, I usually don't. You hit the nail on the head. "live life so far only thinking slightly weird or different" Yes, that's exactly how I've felt.

Even if all of what I have experienced was this,(I think some of it is just me, but maybe not all of it) I couldn't say other conscious well... others sharing the body. Is that how it usually feels? Is that how it's supposed to feel?

Feels forced sometimes. Is forced sometimes I think. All an excuse? A way to get out of s--- I have to do? ADHD should have been enough if that was what I wanted, and I don't usually try to find excuses to not do things.

Well this ended up being alot longer than I planned.

Will alters comment on what you're currently thinking about or only external things?

Does everyone have auditory hallucinations on the edge of sleep?