Rambling Rant *TW*

TW

Thank you, it's just so.... Are there even word for this? No not really. I know why, but I don't feel like a part of "my own" body at times.. alot of times?~~~I can't cry, I've tried, I sometimes feel the need to but I physically can't When I try I feel like I'm going to vomit. Probably not a good sign, probably a sign of a lot of repression. As for sleep I can function on as little at 2 hours, but it IS NOT comfortable . Not much memory of that day to tell truth, was really out of it by the end. I agree I've examined it all DDNOS-1 seems logical, which is a part of the confusion. Perhaps oak is right, just a fear I'll stop looking. Is seeing dissociative fog a hallucination technically? I guess it has to be. I just need to pay attention, Limbs in odd places. Things like "why did I do that?"
Might be triggering (haven't watched it through) but well We all need it sometimes, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mR2I4ZoqpMI

later....

TW

Ok head is kind of spinning, so just going to wing it. I've been reading over my posts and they seem to be very incoherent. I'm curious as to why that is. Is it a display of thoughts in disarray? Is it a product of my inherent lack of focus? May not even be relevant, but it is a curious phenomenon to note. Reading my signature makes me think to the last line of that quote, "and he will tell you the truth." Which truth is that I wonder. The truth he sees, the scientific truth, the truth that is so often a fanciful lie? I suppose in the context of the Quote, he will tell you the truth as he sees it. My question is, is that always the actual truth? Could it be that truth is based on nothing more than perception? If it is, then the truth can be whatever I da-- well want it to be. But can it?


A bit about myself I suppose, feeling like I've had too much to drink despite not having any alcohol for a couple of days now. Or maybe this is what being high feels like. It's kind of nice. Brain is just floating around in my head. Could stare at an inanimate object for quite a while and just watch my perspective change and be plenty entertained by that. Done it before. But back to me. I'm socially awkward to say the least. Quiet, loner really, never lonely though. Never really had a SO, not for years and years and years. Don't really push to hard to find one. While the companionship would be nice, it's alot of complications, and quite frankly I don;t feel the need. I don;t seem to have the complete preoccupation with it like society (apparently) does. I have almost no motivation. Things I would love to do, but just feel...stuck in how I am right now.



Why is it that Everything I have written before somehow feel inaccurate? It's strange. Maybe because it' just because of the fixation I seem to have on the negative in those posts. Probably means something deep and profound that I am waaay too out of it to try to figure out tonight. Also think it is another thing that i normal for people here.



Obsessed. That's it. Should have seen it in the first place. I tend towards obsession. Not sure if it's possible to be so obsessed to give yourself something. Logic and reason say not subconsciously not this fast, but I still need to consider all options. Although, not to really raise myself up or anything, I am actually very smart. IQ in gifted range possibly higher. So my mind is capable of alot. More than I use it for definitely.



I got nothing more. Going to bed. be back bright and early, or really dark and early as it is.

you're still trying to come up with other explanations

and they don't explain everything and there's still loopholes to them and they don't "fit"

at least not as well as DDNOS-1 does

obsessions does not make you have symptoms, or not have control over how you feel or what you do, or make you think/feel that you have DDNOS-1 or symptoms of DDNOS-1, or any of that

the truth is the truth whether you choose to perceive it or not. just because you choose to not look at a leaf falling doesn't mean it stops falling, or that it's not falling. it'll still fall, and it'll still hit the ground, whether you choose to see it or know it or not.

no offense but you might want to avoid thinking about serious topics if you've been drinking... that just makes it easier for the brain to cause more doubt/denial usually

it feels inaccurate because a part of you probably doesn't want any of this to be true.
or because you're in a different state of mind that you were then so it seems rather foreign to you.

logic and reason are right. obsession doesn't cause stuff like this. especially not this quickly. especially with not putting conscious effort and decision to force yourself to believe this.

i've started to notice it seems to be kinda common for people with stuff like DID/DDNOS-1 to be rather intelligent and have a high IQ. maybe because we are using more of our brains and more of our neurons are connected because we developed them separately yet they're not always all consciously being used and such at the same time? (take with a grain of salt, of course)

hope you sleep well. you definitely need rest. having a busy mind can take a lot out of a person.

feel better soon.




- cassie (age ?)

TW?

Thanks Cassie. I'm really not intending to cause you so much trouble. Read this ths morning, but hadn't had time to respond until recently. Part of the problem really seems to be me, even without denial I seem to have a hard time accepting things, and definitely over think things (constantly). Current plan, go to local college, sign up for EMT cert program, the extra money might just be enough to move out within 1-2 years. Probably work on paramedic from there. Don't actually drink much, but even getting buzzed recently makes me "floaty".

~OK from here on out just musings, half thoughts, and putting stuff down so I don't forget it later.

Again with my chest. Beanbag round impacting body armor, roughly same spot. left pectoral region. Never happened, but that spot is now recurrent. bears observation.

I just KNOW when I end up getting a T they will tell me to get more rest. This is probably incredibly unhealthy.

Half the time these intrusive thought make no sense whatsoever. Completely irrelevant to the situation, and current train of thought. To be expected really.

Really wan to get to the range, never tried it, should be a good way to blow off steam.

~OK, Time for a nap before I end up where I was last night.

you're welcome

you don't cause me trouble.

this is a huge thing to come to terms with! of course it's not going to be easy to accept, even without doubt/denial. so it's ok to be having a difficult time with this stuff.

(i was meaning it's usually not a good mixture in general, drinking and thinking about stuff, especially DID/DDNOS-1 related stuff, even if you don't drink much )

it might be the being more aware of dissociation that's making you feel floaty easier or something. with us, our system actually has different tolerances to substances. like cassandra's a light weight with alcohol, but kat and valera can drink like fish. hawk not only has tolerance to drinking a lot, but apparently she doesn't get drunk easily (seemingly at all, actually, at least so far), whereas kat and valera can drink like fish but they'll be drunk. they can just hold it well. phenix can drink fairly well but she's a lightweight and gets drunk easily, but she can still drink a lot and hold it well. and then kat, valera, and phenix handle hard alcohol/liquor better than others. and l.c., dallas, and damone handle beer better than others. it's pretty interesting, actually.


do you mean that you got hit with a beanbag round and don't remember it happening?

yes the probably will. rest can help a lot with stuff and is good for you, brain, and body.

yup, those types of thoughts sound about normal for dissociative stuff

it might definitely help you blow off steam. maybe you should try it soon.

hope you sleep well.


- cassie (age ?)

tomboy24 wrote:you're welcome

you don't cause me trouble.

this is a huge thing to come to terms with! of course it's not going to be easy to accept, even without doubt/denial. so it's ok to be having a difficult time with this stuff.

(i was meaning it's usually not a good mixture in general, drinking and thinking about stuff, especially DID/DDNOS-1 related stuff, even if you don't drink much )

it might be the being more aware of dissociation that's making you feel floaty easier or something. with us, our system actually has different tolerances to substances. like cassandra's a light weight with alcohol, but kat and valera can drink like fish. hawk not only has tolerance to drinking a lot, but apparently she doesn't get drunk easily (seemingly at all, actually, at least so far), whereas kat and valera can drink like fish but they'll be drunk. they can just hold it well. phenix can drink fairly well but she's a lightweight and gets drunk easily, but she can still drink a lot and hold it well. and then kat, valera, and phenix handle hard alcohol/liquor better than others. and l.c., dallas, and damone handle beer better than others. it's pretty interesting, actually.


do you mean that you got hit with a beanbag round and don't remember it happening?

yes the probably will. rest can help a lot with stuff and is good for you, brain, and body.

yup, those types of thoughts sound about normal for dissociative stuff

it might definitely help you blow off steam. maybe you should try it soon.

hope you sleep well.


- cassie (age ?)

Ty again Cassie. It seem to be what I'm drinking. I can't down 2 beers atm without being a little dizzy, But I've had nights of like 4 shots +beer that I only got a slight euphoria from, never been hungover (I've only just started drinking) Worst was New Years eve, mixing beer and liquor, mixing liquors, all that stupid stuff, got off relatively well, just was too dizzy to walk. Not really why I feel like any of this important.

"do you mean that you got hit with a beanbag round and don't remember it happening? "
No, I haven't been in that type of situation. (someone says "yet"), I do like to attend large protests when I can. Could be fear of future or w/e. It's the fact that that spot seems to be repeating that concerns me.


"yup, those types of thoughts sound about normal for dissociative stuff"
What are they? Others communicating with e/o? Just random thought strings?

Sleep was not really sleep. Emotions rolling, Lots of chatter? May very well just be anxiety (screwing with sleep). Still feel alot better rested than I did a couple of hours ago.



I'll post more later, After I'm more awake.

Ghastly wrote:Ty again Cassie. It seem to be what I'm drinking. I can't down 2 beers atm without being a little dizzy, But I've had nights of like 4 shots +beer that I only got a slight euphoria from, never been hungover (I've only just started drinking) Worst was New Years eve, mixing beer and liquor, mixing liquors, all that stupid stuff, got off relatively well, just was too dizzy to walk. Not really why I feel like any of this important.
ick, mixing stuff like that never ends well...
hehe it's ok to talk about unimportant stuff to you know.
phenix started drinking when the body was 17, 5 days before our 18th birthday, but after we'd graduated high school already.
and i don't wanna know how much alcohol we've been able to drink for our most before. because kat and valera and phenix, they really can drink like fish. kat held her own, almost matching a 400 lb. guy drink for drink, at a party playing beer pong with hard mixed drinks and then 2 games of beer pong but with taking shots instead. she played for like, at least 7-8 games total. (needless to say, she was drunk. and we were hungover the next day).



"do you mean that you got hit with a beanbag round and don't remember it happening? "
No, I haven't been in that type of situation. (someone says "yet"), I do like to attend large protests when I can. Could be fear of future or w/e. It's the fact that that spot seems to be repeating that concerns me.
ah, so you're having dreams or image flashes of this happening, but it doesn't really happen? (sorry, i'm having a hard time understanding for some reason.. )



"yup, those types of thoughts sound about normal for dissociative stuff"
What are they? Others communicating with e/o? Just random thought strings?
sometimes it's other communicating with each other, sometimes it's others just being random, sometimes it's others' thoughts and since they're not paying attention to whatever's going on in the "outside world" those thoughts are unrelated to anything outside, or sometimes for us that have short attention spans they can be random thoughts from ourselves, but if that's the case, you'll have the whole thought and it'll feel more like your's, instead of catching snippets here and there and having it feel truly random and like you don't know where it came from (if that makes sense).


Sleep was not really sleep. Emotions rolling, Lots of chatter? May very well just be anxiety (screwing with sleep). Still feel alot better rested than I did a couple of hours ago.
sleep has been this way for us for a while now... it's not very helpful for getting actual rest, but it's better than nothing.

usually when sleep is like this it's because of stuff happening inside while you/the body is asleep, or mostly asleep at least. or it's because others are awake and doing stuff inside. or it's because something's getting taken care of inside (like if a part is having a bad dream or a flashback or something). or it's because a part's trying to communicate through dreams. stuff like that.




- cassie (age ?)


I'll post more later, After I'm more awake.

TW?

"ah, so you're having dreams or image flashes of this happening, but it doesn't really happen? (sorry, i'm having a hard time understanding for some reason.. )"
Yes image flashes, Exactly like ones I've described before. There was alot of focus on body armor before this (thought it was someone trying to describe themselves, and that still may very well be the case) Black MOLLE military style. Not the same chest piece in the "flash". Length and clarity similar to memories but it is something that can't have happened. May be symbolic, I may have been blocking them and p/o them, and this was a different way to communicate.

"sometimes it's other communicating with each other, sometimes it's others just being random, sometimes it's others' thoughts and since they're not paying attention to whatever's going on in the "outside world" those thoughts are unrelated to anything outside, or sometimes for us that have short attention spans they can be random thoughts from ourselves, but if that's the case, you'll have the whole thought and it'll feel more like your's, instead of catching snippets here and there and having it feel truly random and like you don't know where it came from (if that makes sense)."

Ah ok, the reason I ask was there was something about scales mentioned, I don't know anyone with scales ..... so hints? (not even going to try to list other possibilities.


"usually when sleep is like this it's because of stuff happening inside while you/the body is asleep, or mostly asleep at least. or it's because others are awake and doing stuff inside. or it's because something's getting taken care of inside (like if a part is having a bad dream or a flashback or something). or it's because a part's trying to communicate through dreams. stuff like that."

Could very well be, but it was all so jumbled it was hard to tell. Alot of the time was just kind of trance like.



I'll throw up some (hopefully) new stuff, observations etc. later. Mind is kind of blank atm.

TW

Should I even keep doing that? The whole dang thread has one lol.

Been musing over the eye color thing for awhile now. Not really sure how it works out. Officially blue, from a distance they kind of look blue. But They're green, really throwing me off. Trying to remember if I've ever seen them blue, I have to have, might not have been paying attention (very likely). On a side note you're right I really shouldn't be doing this while drinking, but w/e.

I don't know what these flashes/visualizations are. They may be important I guess. Remember another one from today. I? was in curled in a ball in the middle of a dark room. Single light centered on the figure (was viewed from above) maybe shadows, black silhouettes of people just outside the ring of light? Focus person, crying screaming, matching about how I felt at the moment. What I wanted to do? Expression of pain? Not really sure.

I think dreams can still be dreams. Maybe not all are important.

later. maybe I'll be better able to focus later tonight.


E: Nope absolutely no focus whatsoever. All I've got is
I complain way to much. I think way too much. I worry way too much.
and that doesn't really warrant a new post.

TW

Ok wow, Couldn't sleep yesterday, today that caught up to me. Good long nap. Ignore the first half of the last post I don't think(?) it's relevant. Maybe any of it? I feel weird today, not really comfortable, maybe I'm seeing this how it really is. Getting more of a contradiction on that, I'm seeing it from another angle. So I guess with a different "mix" of who's close/(out?) Perceptions, conclusions and observations change. I feel like I'm doing all this on a schedule. I'm not setting the days, but there are days for working out trauma, and sorting out the past, and there are days for working on system stuff, finding/sorting/"naming" others (alters or parts?). I'm still trying to work alot of things out. Something tells me I shouldn't stop looking even when i find things. I'll probably post more later, just now waking up.