How are you today thread (trigger warning)

ViTheta wrote:You aren't alone in that, Doily. Yesterday I, personally, broke down because I realized that I have a total of 11 cumulative years of memories. I wish I could offer more than some support and letting you know that you're not alone.

Vi

Thanks, and I'm sorry you and other people also have it that way.

I can't understand how my parts or something have kept me from realizing so many horrible things in my life. Like had I realized them sooner I would have lived my life differently. For example I've always "know" my parents are horrible people but just how horrible I didn't understand until recently. So I've been in contact with them this whole time (because I've got no one else to be in contact with). But am I supposed to be completely alone all the time. I just don't understand what to do with my life.

It's okay Doily.

The other alters in our system have done what they could to help us survive. I don't think we could have gotten to this point if we had realized just how abusive our parents were, and even now we're working on establishing boundaries with our dad. It's hard to cope with that.

With regards to loneliness. It's taken us a while to find a family of friends, and even that can sometimes be temporary. However, our current friend circles are all people who are understanding. They're all neurodivergent and this includes three other systems. It's been wonderful to be around them. However, it took a lot to find them, so I understand it not being easy to find and keep friends.

Vi

I'm feeling quite alone. I'm also dealing with self destructive thoughts and urges. I don't know what to do anymore...

It freaked me out a bit to read what I had posted because I can barely remember writing it. I meannI have a diagnosis of dissociative disorder but most of the time I guess I feel like one person.

Anyway. Yeah I guess there's a reason for not realizing everything all at once, it just weird it has taken such a long time (20 years) since I first started to realize my childhood was actually awful. I've buried most of all feeling related to that and developed various disorder that were to blame for my problems but now I'm thinking it's the traumas that caused those (these) disorders.

I hope I might get some acquintances from some hobbies I'm planning to start at fall..

Sometimes I don't realize when I have retreated into the 'back seat', as it were, and I'm aware of what's going on-ish but usually forget what happened.

And the dissociation helps to not overwhelm us. It wasn't until, honestly, about three months ago that I realized that our childhood was horrible. That's largely because our childhood was mostly Beth and Angel fronting, at least after the age of about six. After talking to them and piecing things together, I've realized that there were so many things that were bad and abusive.

Finding activities you enjoy is a great way to make friends.

I hope things go well,
Vi

Your experiences soundi similar to mine, I guess that might be what's been happening to me. The transitions are so smooth however that I don't notice them. But like I still don't understand how after 5 years since my latest therapy ended I basically forgot my therapist and therapy and focused solely on studying (to become a Psychologist! I must be insane!) and pretending everything is fine and that my family is fine and everything was like in a technicolor Barbie dreamland until I graduated (am now an unemployable licensed Psychologist without any future prospects) and it all came crashing down. And now I absolutely hate both of my parents and realize what absolutely horrible people they are. And like how did I forget it for such a long time? I knew they are horrible when I was a child and teen and in my twenties. I guess I tried to create my own perfect family by becoming completely delusional for several years. I did believe in my own creation for a long time. I feel so stupid.

Now I'm really tired and sick all the time and feel like I've wasted so much time by being unaware. I wonder what I am unaware of now... and what I should Do with the knowledge, probably not be in contact with them as much as I have been so far..

You aren't stupid. You all did what was necessary to survive, just like any of us. We got through the worst and now the hard part begins. We have to fix what others broke, and that is never going to be easy.

Vi

I'm feeling a bit sick and light headed today but have to sit here waiting for delivery to come for our dog's supplements... Hoping they come at the beginning of the time slot rather than the end (nearer 2pm) so I can go lie down soon.

Don't think I've been out much this week but right now I can't remember who has been out when. Also unsure as to whether Kit has already been out early with Mr Woof as I can't sense her near the front or anything.

Jay

@deafgirl369 are you ok?

Eliseahorse wrote:@deafgirl369 are you ok?

Not really, but I'm trying to work with my therapist. The problem is that there is something that I can't talk to anyone about. No one would understand. I really wish I had someone that I could talk to. It's bringing up so many thoughts and memories, that I just don't know what to do. the SH thoughts are the worst.