How are you today thread (trigger warning)

I'm feeling a sense of sadness. I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with this disorder.

It's like officially knowing what I have vs unofficially knowing has changed everything.

kind of frustrated with how someone I know told me that I don't have to be deaf if I don't want to be that all I have to do is pray and my hearing will be restored completely that I won't have to be deaf

Gray Wolf

Unfortunately, there are too many people who aren't aware of how disability works or how trauma works. DID is just from a place of awfulness. It's from a place that really is dark and horrible in ways that most people just don't want to understand. They either think it's easy to get rid of or that if you just pray enough it will go away. It won't. There isn't anything glamorous or wonderful about this.

I actually did watch a video of someone with DID who said that there are wonderful things like the art their Littles would make, but at the same time, there is so much horror and pain that created the splits and breaks.

We're lucky. We have friends who understand.

Beyond that, we're doing alright. We're doing okay. We're trying to work on explaining to our Littles that it really is not that our mother was Bad, but just misguided and rather sick inside herself. This is not an easy process.

Vi

Sometimes its difficult to see though if you are one of the alters that have no trauma memories (or none when you first emerge for short periods still unconnected to the rest of the system) You find yourself with a new world to explore and looking for clues like some secret agent! You may only be able to see advantages like wow I've got my own house and dog...got the place to myself ..how do we stay out here? etc ..(especially if its a teen/young adult alter)

From the other perspective as the host that just got booted out of the front ....if you do get back you find yourself trying to remember what you did and finding evidence of stuff you didn't do or buy...if you're not a connected host you have no idea what's going on...I think Maddie was our one most distressed by it, though we didn't understand at the time and she was distressed because she thought she was developing dementia or a brain tumour or something.

Our system seems to have decided not to create any more hosts that have no knowledge of the inner world because we rarely get out socially and if we do its only visiting family for tea or for a medical appointment! ..Kate & I volunteered to 'play host' (ie respond to the external name in public/in the presence of others) and so we don't lose our individual identities .... we aren't 'the official host' until we blend so Jay + Kate = legal name ..only temporary until we return home then we can unblend so we can still enjoy each others company or go inside and let someone else front so we can rest.

Personally after working alone for years either finding myself out front alone or returning to my pod alone I find it comforting to be able to feel and communicate with others that understand me and for someone whose outside body is limited the inner world also provides a break from living with all the conditions. I feel sorry for singletons living with these conditions tbh who have no ability to have some one else take over receiving the pain/Tinnitus...so though it can be hard to see if you are the one that's the trauma holder with no understanding of your system it can have advantages.

Jay

I'm feeling scared and anxious. I saw one of the main abusers yesterday. I've been very switchy ever since. It really put our system into a spiral. I don't know how to help anyone, let alone myself.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. I know it can be scary. We're here for you. I do hope you are able to feel more stable soon.

Lilith.

ViTheta wrote:I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. I know it can be scary. We're here for you. I do hope you are able to feel more stable soon.

Lilith.

Thank you, I hope so too.

Deafgirl369 wrote:I'm feeling scared and anxious. I saw one of the main abusers yesterday. I've been very switchy ever since. It really put our system into a spiral. I don't know how to help anyone, let alone myself.

Hope things are feeling better today

Hi ...only Jay here doing online journals now. Hope you're all doing well?

We have made further progress with some integration.

From those of us who existed in the first 20 years of life, nearly all except LS, Sioux, Jody & Bobby have chosen to integrate with me. There were a lot of them but most of them were not fully developed alters with their own sense of self, they maybe carried a fragment (an emotion or memory of something from that time).

From age 20's-50 ...Kit has remained separate, a few more fragments were found that again were not full 'alters' and have integrated.

Thea & Maddie have not been found as 'full alters' on the inside. It seems they possibly split more than once and parts are in different areas...so I don't have full access to their memories of what they felt was their life (& friendships etc) when they were fronting solo....only where others may have 'slipped out' for specific events/time periods ..(if it was an insider we already have good communication with or that has recently integrated)

Switching is less and seems to be more 'passive influence' and working co-con..(between myself, Kate, Yuna & Juno) with myself remaining in control of the body, though I am expecting a complete switch when Kit & Bobby come out to play the new Zelda game next weekend. They have said though once they have what they need (map and visual details to create an inner world version) they won't be coming out at weekends so much.

so...not sure...does that count as partial integration?

Sucked back in. Can't tell if it is therapeutic at this point.

We have been asked to be coffin bearer for my grandad. It was actually specified in his will. BUT that means re-entering the cult that abused us. Our mute part has been frantically reading up the edicts that we have missed since we left (397 new edicts from 2 successive men of god) we keep thinking if we can just get through the day without drawing attention to ourselves we should be OK. Our dad is terrified he has chosen to sit at the back with the women. Went into town to find modesty wear and a weird sense of calm came over us.

We look the part we act the part, for one day we get in we get out we survive.

Then back to life.