How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Narie wrote:It is difficult to do things.

I know that is very vague.. but it is how I currently feel today. We had a scare with one of our alters whom is not meant to get out, last night.. and ever since then I have been fortifying. Holding down something I do not know how to hold down. And while all this has happened, our host, has only been having a bad day.

I do not know how I am meant to be the primary protector, the gatekeeper, keep alters inside, help her, and be there when needed, all at the same time. It is impossible. I am stretched so thinly that I feel as if I am fraying at the edges. What am I meant to do?

It just feels like.. confusion, panic.. mental pain and exhaustion.

I do not know how to do.. and I am not doing well today.

I wish there was an easy way to deal with everything. I wish there was a system that was in place. I wish that our alters knew how to handle their own selves, so I had less to do.

I wish I wasn't the only one in our system that held themselves accountable for anything at all.

- Jaiden.

Hi Jaiden

Can you communicate with the ones that are disruptive and get out? Is there anything they would consider 'high value' that they may feel is worth co-operating with you and your host for? ..a favourite treat or visit to a place of their choice? maybe they just want to watch their favourite program, movie or listen to their favourite music if what is usually on is 'someone else's choice'?

Jay

Things have been a bit rough here and we're just not very talkative lately.

There are days when we just feel as if no one notices we exist or care. At least no one in our immediate orbit. Our friends care and love us, but it feels as if no matter how I try to set boundaries for the people in the place I live, they get ignored. My father and uncle do not need to come downstairs to ask me questions or tell me anything. They need to do more than shrug when we explain we need the front walk shoveled of snow. They need to let us know what they need us to get at the store before we go, and they need to understand that we don't have a lot of money for things that are often more expensive than we can afford.

And that isn't all. There are days when it just feels exhausting dealing with everyone in system.

Making matters worse, we just feel isolated by people's anger and uncomfortable going into places we thought of as safe because we are at the end of our social energies sometimes before the day has even begun.

We are trying to avoid one person who wants to do nothing but rant at us because they're triggered by everything, and we've been talking to another system who has been working on not switching at all, and we find that hard to comprehend.

Sometimes I can't even sort through all that upset in the system too.

We start pain meds tomorrow, and hopefully that will help. The nightmare medications have helped except for last night, but I suspect I did that to myself by wandering into triggering territory.

Sorry for the gripe fest. Hope everyone's doing okay.

Vi

TheTriForce wrote:

Narie wrote:It is difficult to do things.

I know that is very vague.. but it is how I currently feel today. We had a scare with one of our alters whom is not meant to get out, last night.. and ever since then I have been fortifying. Holding down something I do not know how to hold down. And while all this has happened, our host, has only been having a bad day.

I do not know how I am meant to be the primary protector, the gatekeeper, keep alters inside, help her, and be there when needed, all at the same time. It is impossible. I am stretched so thinly that I feel as if I am fraying at the edges. What am I meant to do?

It just feels like.. confusion, panic.. mental pain and exhaustion.

I do not know how to do.. and I am not doing well today.

I wish there was an easy way to deal with everything. I wish there was a system that was in place. I wish that our alters knew how to handle their own selves, so I had less to do.

I wish I wasn't the only one in our system that held themselves accountable for anything at all.

- Jaiden.

Hi Jaiden

Can you communicate with the ones that are disruptive and get out? Is there anything they would consider 'high value' that they may feel is worth co-operating with you and your host for? ..a favourite treat or visit to a place of their choice? maybe they just want to watch their favourite program, movie or listen to their favourite music if what is usually on is 'someone else's choice'?

Jay

Hey Jay,

Thanks for the ideas, but the alter never wishes to talk to any of us, least of all me.. considering I am the one that keeps it under wraps. It only wants chaos. It wants to cause pain to those around us, so that it can watch the world around our host burn down in glorious flames.. because it leaves her hopeless.. and it makes them happy. It is not someone I wish to work with, and I do not know what it wants. When I try and communicate, it simply laughs at me. I do not know what I am meant to do.

- Jaiden.

Narie wrote:Hey Jay,

Thanks for the ideas, but the alter never wishes to talk to any of us, least of all me.. considering I am the one that keeps it under wraps. It only wants chaos. It wants to cause pain to those around us, so that it can watch the world around our host burn down in glorious flames.. because it leaves her hopeless.. and it makes them happy. It is not someone I wish to work with, and I do not know what it wants. When I try and communicate, it simply laughs at me. I do not know what I am meant to do.

- Jaiden.

This sounds like a persecutor alter who has taken on the identity of a past abuser or something. It is difficult to know what to advise. if you don't have access to a DID specialist (I'm thinking you're maybe in a country where private Insurance is perhaps needed to be approved) ..if it was me.... I would try to keep them safely locked up .(I appreciate that can be difficult we've had 'escapees' ourself) for now... but try and research online specifically about persecutor alters.... I find my insiders often like to take 'a sneaky peak' at what we've been writing about in the private diary even if they don't front when we're out on here....so it maybe worth ...in a private diary marked 'PRIVATE CONFIDENTiAL FILE' copying & pasting what you find about persecutor alters in there and act like you're unaware they could possibly be tempted to take a peak ...but essentially this is just info for that one alter so make sure it has stuff in that explains why they are like they are 'taken on the identity of the abuser' ...maybe with your own comments in there too ..'Does this mean the abuser has won?' ...not too many...you also want this part to think for themselves if they do 'take a sneaky peak'

It's worth a shot they may read and may answer...be prepared that you might not like their answers at first..but stick with it and you may find the responses become more 'diluted, rational' They may not read but then at least after you've researched it for yourself, the rest of your system may understand better why that one is stuck and can't move forward'.


@ViTheta is in a similar dilemma with one of hers and will probably be able to give you more useful advice.

Jay

HI

Hope everyone is doing ok?

It seems Kathy has been 'created' (by a specific blend of parts and info) to help us achieve 'seamless switching' between the full personalities that are left.

The brain is an amazing thing when you think about it!... I wonder who or what in the brain is knowing which parts are needed where ....is it one alter who is 'chief controller'? or is it a collective? Is that what 'the changelings' are? .. a child's understanding of how the body works itself without them having to think about things like their heart beating?...(and the other autonomic subconscious processes)

Jay

For us, that is Queen. She is our Gatekeeper. She has, occasionally, fronted when things get too much or we have to go to the dentist. Yesterday she kept us from panicking when at the dentist because we had a male nurse. The set up at our dentist is a bit open, so we weren't in full-on panic mode, but it was stressful until she took over.

Things are a bit less stressful when it comes to our friend LB. She is recovering well and we discussed the fact that her doctor suspects she may have some degree of intersexuality the same way that our body displays such tendencies.

Mostly, just struggling with a certain level of depression because things are so effed up in the news lately and it gets to us. Honestly, I really don't feel like living on this planet any more.

Take care,
Vi

The world news isn't very good right now is it?

Well Kit is currently our gatekeeper (though has played other roles) and although she has 'grown' since first appearing, she was 'created' from a 'later in life trauma' and the 'executive decisions' seem to come from a much deeper level.

I've been trying to do a system map but I'm not sure whose split from who and how many fragments have joined with me and who they originally were as many didn't have their own names.

I'm wondering if the littles can split? ...leaving one part of themselves inside but the other free to join a host at the front?

Jay

Hello

I am Kathy. It is my first time to be at the front in the pilot seat. I have been in the background watching and learning for a quite a while as the world and technology has changed a lot since I was last in it!

it is my job to act as an older guide and friend/companion to my daughter (as I see her... 'Host Jay' as you know her). For this reason I seem to be the only one that can see which parts are my daughter and which parts are her imagination. (the changelings that seem to have been created in childhood).

I joined the system after the stroke/NDE originally known on here as 'Juno'. I am a direct split from Juno after the system gave me the ability to present in human form and share control of the front to help out.

I realise this maybe unusual seeing many of your stories but I am not my daughters abuser and hope my presence would not be too triggering. I just wanted to say hello but I understand if you would find it difficult to read posts from me.

Kathy

Hi Kathy. I don't know why you would think anyone would think you're an abuser or that it would be difficult to read your posts. You said you were a guide and companion to another alter that you view as your daughter. That sounds positive. Anyway, hello and welcome.
______________________

We're still involved in a big show that will open in a few weeks. There are hours of rehearsal every weekday, but now that things are more set, it's a little less stressful. The other people in it are very nice and accepting. We still have bouts of feeling like we said or did something wrong and that people will dislike us and think we're weird, but so far that hasn't happened. Our chronological age is a lot older than everyone else, so we sometimes feel different because of that, but we're able to keep up physically and it's fun to be in scenes with everyone, even if we're not one of the smaller group that gets picked to do the more complicated dances.

We're still grieving the loss of our T, but we've avoided contacting him, and the pain does grow less and less each week. Fridays are still kind of hard because that was the day we usually saw him. But there would be no way to repair what happened, and anyway it was just another example of why we couldn't continue with him. We're feeling closer to being able to look into finding another DID T, but we'll probably wait at least until after the show closes.

Today the recent rain is clearing up, and it feels like a good day so far.

-the Gang

Hi Kathy. Sorry for the belated greeting.

Thegangsallhere- mourning is difficult either the loss of a friend moving on or someone passing away. It still hurts us some days when we remember our mother passing. It's been three years and we just don't know how to handle it sometimes. It's been hardest on Veronica, Marcie and Gia. They understand death, but don't know how to handle that she isn't coming back.

Things are a bit better right now. We've been starting a lot of different medications and changing our diet. We've been sad a lot due to a variety of things and some days it is just too much. But things are improving. Hope everyone is doing okay.

Take care,
Vi