How are you today thread (trigger warning)

LittleDaria - I don't understand that. How could it not be sexual if it feels just like the same thing we experience in an adult or teen? But, there really is no more need to discuss this because ...

well technically it is sexual but a little doesn't see it like that, that's our understanding

UGH! We got no sleep last night. Well, most of the alters got to sleep some, but the body did not sleep at all. I still don't want to be specific about our troubles as of late, but I will say they revolve around an obsession that is detrimental to our system.

As an autistic person, I have no idea how to remedy a bad obsession, but we started by just trying not to think about it. That was very hard once we got in bed and had nothing to distract us, but it got even worse when a new alter split off. See, first it was just one alter fighting the obsession, as it wasn't system-wide, but then the new alter had the obsession, too, and, unlike the first alter with the obsession, the new guy did not care about hurting the rest of the system, so he just pondered the obsession and indulged himself in it by looking up related images and articles all night!

Our mind is still flooded with all those images and the information from those articles. It has really hurt us all, but I think the new alter STILL doesn't understand what he's done. I don't know how to drive that point home. I'm so cantankerous after that sleepless night that I'm afraid I'll end up biting his head off.

Sorry for the rant. I have no social mask for today. I'll try to stay off the rest of the forum until I do ...

- Marcella

PS: The obsession seems to be linked to trauma.

we're pretty anxious today, but that's normal for therapy day. had strange dreams, but again that isn't unusual and at least they weren't nightmares.

had a strange thing happen yesterday, several insiders said, "we don't belong here," referring, we think, to present day. still trying to process that.

Hi, PsychForums. I'm Vic, the new alter.

I just wanted you to know we are doing much better now. I don't know why I did what I did last night. Well, I was in the throws of obsession! I've discovered another, related obsession that I've really thrown myself into as well, but I'm trying to take a break from both for now to broaden my horizon. I really don't know yet what my purpose is, but I think that is a hard one for everyone anyway ...

Thank you for reading my humble reply.

- Vic, the new guy

had therapy last night. it felt disjointed but she sent us this afterwards, "Hi, just a reminder for everyone that we will never try to get rid of any part. Everyone is essential to the well being of the whole self. We want all parts to know the time of danger is over so they can fully enjoy all that life has to offer."

this is because for some reason several insiders believe that if we were to accept that we exist in present day and the time of danger has passed they are in danger of disappearing, dying, or, "being left alone."

at one point we said something like, "but a five year old doesn't think like that," and she said, "but you're not five, not anymore," and we had a strong reaction because it felt like we were being invalidated. she was quick to explain that she meant that Daria is a grown up.

we also got really really frustrated at one point because a little was very distraught. they kept saying (well, screaming) something about, "she wants me to be alone, she wants to leave me in the dark."

we managed to figure the little was referring to mommy, but we're not sure why. after some exploration we figured out that the concept of present day is so terrifying because some believe that they will be taken away from mommy forever.

so, lots to process.

woke from a sex dream this morning. that isn't rare but frustrating.

Today's journal entry: https://oyeswedid.livejournal.com/71163.html

I feel exhausted and it's only a little after 9 am here, although I did miss much sleep last night and got no sleep the night before. Mostly, I am just emotionally drained because I am dealing with something quite new for our system. If you read the journal entry, you'll see that one of our teenage boy alters has just begun a gender transition in the inner world. This is very odd because, any other time an alter has decided to change their sex and/or gender, they managed to pull it off instantly. It is not working that way with him. He is having to go through a (possibly) long, drawn-out transition process, just like a person would in the outside world. That alone is fine as long as he is happy with the changes as they come. (So far, he has been.)

The problem for me is, he looks in the mirror in the outside world and wants to change what he sees out here, too. We are female, which is what he wants to be (and I do have his permission to keep calling him "he" at this point), but he claims we look like the "before" frame in the male to female gender transition photos he's seen. I'll admit, we do, a little bit. Our natural female breasts are tiny and barely noticeable, even under tight-fitting shirts. Our hair is short, but, in my defense, it is a pixie cut and I really don't think long hair looks good on our short, petite frame. BUT, all the trans women have long hair in their "after" photos, says he. So, to him, we don't appear to be a woman at all, and he desperately wants all that to change. I want it all to stay the same.

I really don't know how to give him what he wants, anyway. I have always been a tomboy and I dress and act like a tomboy. I don't care to be as womanly as he does. If I could give him all the changes he wants, I would feel disphoric and I am out more than he is anyway. We never had this much trouble with disphoria before. Again, it's new territory.

He is such a teenager ... Yes, he is a good kid and I love him. And he kind of sees me as a mother figure, but ... he gets so upset about the disphoria that he becomes uncivil. Any time he gets mad at me concerning changing the body, he suddenly changes what I am allowed to call him, saying I should call him by his female name when he said earlier that he really feels better right now with the male name. UGH! Kids ...

I tell him the physical body is not the problem, it's his view of it that is problematic. He knows this. He's told me so. He knows I'm right. He's just ... extremely obsessive about it all. I have no idea what to do about that and neither does he.

Wow, that ended up being long ... but it's how I'm doing today, or at least what I'm currently dealing with.

If anyone who's gone through gender dysphoria and/or a gender transition and has something encouraging to say to this alter, please do so. You may address him as "Grant" or "Eve" and use whatever pronouns you see fit.

- Marcella

sounds somewhat like Simone, who is a rebellious teenager. she thinks the body should match HER self perception, a waif-like anorexic.

Oh! Poor Simone!

- Marcella

Hi. I'm Eve.

I used to be the boy that Marcella spoke of ealier. My transformation is complete and I'm no longer a pain in her side. I also am fine with the outside body now. Thought you should know.

- Eve

good morning, woke from a very realistic dream about 45 minutes ago, still processing it. no obligations today thankfully.

recently, in therapy, we have had to face a rather grim realization, one that seems to be slowly spreading throughout our system, the realization that it didn't matter what we did we were still going to suffer. we learned that this knowledge grew in one insider, Marianetta, and became the source for enormous rage, something we have great difficulty with.

these past few days have been pretty interesting. i just lost the 'E' key on my computer keyboard, so now i no longer have one and i have to press the little thing under the key to type the letter 'E', which is going to be interesting until i can replace it. i was trying to clean my keyboard, and then that just happened, which was just really fun because one minute i had it, and then the next it was gone, like it disappeared into another dimension.

other than that, my uncle is coming over today, and i finally managed to clean the dishes, take another shower and even brush my teeth; all things i'm terrible at unless someone forces me to do them. i'm glad