How are you today thread (trigger warning)

lately I've been worse again mood-wise every evening. the only thing i can really do about it is sleeping but I don't want to! I feel incredibly hopeless and lonely.
If something doesn't happen soon I swear I'll go insane!
I'm so close to crying and I don't even know why. I'm begging for a flashback or a voice, a nightmare, anything! I NEED to figure this out!

omg nobody will let me use yellow. why? is it too eye searing. blammo i should get rainbow text. that should totes be legal.

nonono please please please can we NOT have coloured text? It puts a giant spotlight on me. and if anyone wants to speak neutrally without being identified they cant do so anymore.

I'll still speak neutrally. I just wanted the thing down there purple.

okay yah, I wanted mine red but stop highlighting what I say and making it red, it completely invalidates my additions onto anything anyone else is trying to say. You're like "oh hey, you. commie guy. you get red right? let me just highlight anything vaguely political and attribute it to you." Not gonna talk with red highlights no no no.

I'll just put this here.

I am 0kay with orange.

I'm not highlighting anything red guys. no no no. And X, lay off what I'm trying to add into things. Just lay off.

oh nooo X you got another soda out. we were already drinking one. Now you got another one out and the other one will go flat.

I am still concerned that using identifying markers like the colors below will lead to sabotage on certain peoples' part. Or be misused to invalidate what someone else is trying to say. - says donovan to specifically X, without highlighting his text red- see? we dont need it. this system doesnt need it. it's unnecessary and I dont like it.

hell yeah communism I can do what I want woo! donovan is just paranoid.

oops I mean anarchy sorry bro.

wow okay no. no no no. I am NOT a spectacle and none of us should be a spectacle so please please take away the colors because I think it could really really be abused in this system.

still gonna use purple


okay. I think the colour issue has been resolved. nobody uses color unless they want to, and nobody highlights their own text as someone else's color. got it?


------sorry for all of this. it just happened, and I feel that if I delete any of the words here in this post I will be invalidating certain individuals in this system so this conversation will stand. To pertain to the topic at hand though, we've been doing pretty good. Bouts of depression yesterday, but today we worked on making money and will continue to clean and perhaps maybe do an art commission or two. Our favourite virtual petsite is down so nobody quite knows what to do right now -----

I'm worried because our "host" is acting weird. she's actually 2 parts molded into one and it sucks when they're split but when they come together they're usually. . . idk. . . something's Different this time.

Sadness and rage, sadness and rage, that's all our days have become.

And some hopelessness for seasoning.

I'm so sick of being scared! I'm not a little girl so why does every little noise in the dark make me think someone is going to come and kill me??? I HATE IT!!!
I just can't do this anymore. It's so stressful being scared all the time, and I don't even know the cause and I just want to get better but I can't! -.-

If not knowing what happened is supposed to protect me why am I not feeling protected??? Why do I have to feel so terrified and unsafe? I wish I could just chase away the monsters from my/our past. I wish I could remind myself that I'm in the present, that nothing's going to happen.
Why am I so sure someone is going to break into our locked secure apartment and will kill me???

I feel like breaking down right now :'( just so fed up with feeling like this

they left all the hard chores to me. ="-"=

my brain has been completely dead lately. I can't think or feel anything. attention and focus have been non-existent. my senses have been weaker than normal and my glasses don't seem to work. (depersonalization/derealization)

I've been feeling I don't even know who the hell I am for a long time now. I hate that feeling.

I'm posting on this thread a lot lately o.O

I realized yesterday that a certain fantasy turns me on from both possible perspectives, and that's just freaky. I mean, sometimes I feel like a straight, homosexual, man and woman, who are into some dark stuff, and not. Makes me think that if I don't have DID, then I'm just a freakishly messed up person :/

It's been three days since my last appointment with my T. This was the appointment that after years of us talking and working on my depression, PTSD and anxiety issues, three of my ego states stepped forward and had a "say". We were using a combination of EMDR and brainspotting and it was all fine until the last state came forward suddenly and was hostile to my T. I was unable to stop the words coming out of my mouth and when my T ended the session, I didn't know what to do or say--other than book another appointment.

Now it feels like there is a wrestling match in my head and I keep getting these splitting headaches (not migraines as those headaches have the aura component). My forgetfulness has ramped up and I can clearly feel the ego states pushing for influence.

Today, I'm exhausted and unnerved by the experience. Not sure what to do next.