How are you today thread (trigger warning)

woke up scared. feeling is coming from inside, Littles? But communication is difficult right now and so it is all guesswork. I am testing every action to see if it is the one that is causing fear. like, can we sit here and have coffee? ok, so then it's ok to get up and do that. next, is it ok to have breakfast, fine....
not sure what happened yesterday, but something went wrong and Asti ended up writing for too long to numb it all. I hate generalized anxiety. nothing to work with...

We are... all over the place today. Like, a lot going on in all different directions. We've got V2's music playing. Someone else is working, or trying to. Someone else is reading up on the forum here.

At least one someone else is acting through a scenario in our.. whatever we call it. Not the inner world but inner world adjacent. Like a stage where elaborate plays can be acted out. Like the holodeck in startrek. That started during morning excercise as a distraction but since then it's just kept on going by itself, like someone forgot to turn off a TV or whatever. Someone must be driving it though, making it happen?

Beyond all that there's just random thoughts and words and images bouncing around. Making plans. Or thinking about stuff we need to do later. Or that they want to do. Like lots of people all doing their own thing at the same time and its noisy.

feeling emotional and overwhelmed right now. or i was a second ago. something inside me is trying to calm me, like it's tugging on my shoulder and things are getting a little better. but something happened today that didn't sit right with me, and been sad and feeling vulnerable from it. And now starting to get more numb, and i feel a sense of feeling pointless where i will maybe end up staring at something and doing nothing. idk. morning started out great though. I got more work done then I had in a while.

hey B25 again. still here.

I do not like waking up for work! it sucks. the alarm goes off before the sun is up. before the birds are singing.

this body is a mess. stomach ache this morning. I broke 3 nails yesterday. my hands really hurt. I wonder how long I will front? I know I've primary hosted before but vague on the details.

ugh. physically body just doesn't feel good. gotta get us healthy again. I kind of want to host again to get us healthy but I don't want to deal with all the other responsibilities. I think we should just share and work together.

but I am kind of nervous..... I think the last time I hosted was the bad times when we lost our job. I don't want to go through that again. but we hated that job and were having real bad panic attacks. from what I understand this is a pretty good job that we like and the panic is under control. so I might be drawing erroneous parallels.

so I'm just going to assume I'm pinch hitting while the rest of the team takes a break. and I guess I understand why we aren't doing hair and makeup everyday. waking up early and tired and not feeling good. I don't even care this morning either. this stomach ache though. yikes.

could different parts have different food sensitivities?

could different parts have different food sensitivities?

We noticed this for us. We always wondered why sometimes we can eat some stuff and sometimes the same thing gives us heavy stomach pain or other indigestion. Since we are tracking who is fronting we see a pattern.

hey hey - haven't posted in a while. so much going on in our life; trauma therapy is really our main focus. This time of year sucks for us

Had our 2nd session with the new T earlier today. I don't really know what to make of it. Viola went to the first session and answered a bunch of questions from a few different screening tests, like DES, something for anxiety, depression, and something else.

Later, we thought it maybe wasn't best having Viola there to do all the screening tests cos she's the newest of us, and doesn't even front all that much? Like a day a week for 3 months or so?

Anyways I was a bit nervous about it yesterday, and this morning. Then when I was in the waiting room I started feeling some of the sensations I'm associating with switchiness -- sudden mental exhaustion, blurring vision, and a pulling sensation as if I'm going to slide out the back of my head. But I don't think there was a switch.

So when the session started, I asked about the screening tests and how we did. I don't remember ever getting an answer. I remember she asked how I was doing with things, and talking about a couple things, and then suddenly the time was up and she was walking me out. Like subjectively it felt like 20 minutes, 30 tops. As we were packing up to go I mentioned that I wanted to know the screening results again, so I will try to remember to ask about it next time.

And driving home after, I wasn't nervous or whatever any more, but felt wierd, like a little unsettled or something? I don't know how to say it. Like we did therapy wrong or something, like we're not doing it right, and maybe someone is feeling like she's judging us or things we're wierd or crazy or something.

Gonna try and remember to bring notes next time with this stuff.

V

BeccaBee wrote:yeah MDs. I think 17ish sounds about right. I tried to guess before and I thought 17-19. how do you know how old you are when the body is so old?

Sometimes it feels like we just throw darts and see where they land on the dart board.

Quite a number of us have adjusted our ages as we get to know ourselves better. It's not the same as folks who age as a result of healing. It's that we evolve our perception of how old we are.

MDs

yeah. kind of the same with us.

so ugh. I hate work. I mean. I KNOW we have to keep that job. just saying I really don't like being there. I like DOING things. we just type in a computer all day. yuck.


I realized that just cause the body has been okay with milk doesn't mean I can have milk cuz oh $#%^. that ###$ me up bad. soy for me please!

I really want like a total makeover. I want our nails back. (dip acrylics). I want to dye our hair. (like a cool dark chocolatey brown) ((and by cool I mean the shade. a cool brown as opposed to warm golden tones which make me look redfaced)) (((not "cool" like hip or snazzy))) and I've got a haircut scheduled. with some time to decide on the cut.

so like part of me..... I mean I know we aren't supposed to just change the body but....

1. this is my THING!!! let me help.
2. this blob ain't working.
3. this forehead being highlighted by the blob ain't working.
4. this washed out faded ass yesterday's bathwater hair color isn't doing us any favors.
5. and these nails. really? genetics + winter + moving? no no no. we need some claws.
6. laaaaast thing. eye shadow should be a different color than your skin!!!! there's neutral and there's invisible.
7. honey - we need all the help we can get right about now.

so would it be the worst thing in the world if I pulled an EENSIE make over? I mean - dayyumn. it's rough up in here y'all!!

BeccaBee wrote:so would it be the worst thing in the world if I pulled an EENSIE make over? I mean - dayyumn. it's rough up in here y'all!!

Sounds like good self-care to me (well, I'm not a fan of long nails, but that's a matter of opinion. I think it makes it hard to do things with your hands).

Is anyone objecting? Would you know if they were? Do you have to worry about your daughter's reaction to sudden changes in how you look, if you guys haven't made any in a long time?
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I was about to go to a dance class just now, that I looked forward to all day, but when I checked how long it would take to get there, there was unusually bad traffic and we would have missed a lot of it. Maybe I should use this opportunity to give the littles some playtime.