How are you today thread (trigger warning)

by **Familyof3** » Sun Jul 21, 2013 3:52 pm

Since entering the Second Level of our Inner Realm i've felt moody and dark. there's so much chaos and anger here. i can't stay inside or outside, I float in between, neither here or there. too much darkness and anger and hatred.

LanaDelRey wrote:
confused_girly wrote:not well. sick of trying to figure this out. feeling pathetic and doubting that I even have DID (again). If I have DID, then my alters are my own set of inner bullies sent straight from hell to punish me for whatever. I don't know how I deserve this. I have no reason to feel like this. And I don't know why an alter would hate me this much.
I'm just sick of trying to figure out what's wrong with me and always ending up at square 1 again. feels like nobody could ever understand or help me. I thought maybe my alters would. that maybe they'd be the friends, the home, that I've been looking for. I get so lonely and desperate.
I just thought that if I have DID, I might become whole some day. but if I don't have DID, that means that there's no helping me with this particular problem. it's driving me crazy, not being a full person. I just hoped that the part of me that I lost is still there somewhere and that I could eventually get it back. but what if I can never get it back?

(sorry guys, I may regret having written this later. I'm not sure I actually mean all of it. I mean, I definitely mean it and feel that way right now. but later I won't. I'm just... sick of being confused about everything. that's all. I guess I just figured it would be a safer way to express my feelings here, than to do something I'll definitely regret. sorry if... well I don't know what I want to say sorry for. just in case anyone is offended or anything like that by this post. I don't know. I just don't feel too well right now.)

Casey, I guess...

Denial is too common, way too common. It's very logical that you entered a stage of denial if you're having a tough time with your "inner bullies" as you call them. I don't know who are your alters but I'm sure they EXIST. I don't know if they want to help you or want to punish you, but I guess that there's already JUST ONE alter that is there to help you.
I'm not telling you that you're bad for being in denial or something, because it's totally logical, but being an alter myself I can tell you that when the host (Tom) thinks that he is feigning everything, it doesn't feel good... Imagine if your parents said that you don't exist! (OK, I know he's not our father or anything, it's just a comparaison).
Fortunately, for most people, denial goes away as fast as it came, so usually when Tom enters a denial stage, he leaves it in a day or two (usually when another of us takes control).
Keep coming to the forum, Tom can't talk to you but I'll try to tell him to PM you, I'm sure that people with experience with successfully "passing" denial will want to help you!
Lana

Thank you Lana

it's great to hear that I'm not the only one feeling like that from time to time. and you're right, it never lasts long. it's just easy to give up hope sometimes. I keep waiting for a sign from my alters that they actually exist, something more tangible. These days I don't have any complete switches that I have no memory of AND that happened either in a time when I wasn't alone OR that I can find proof for (apart from a sore spot on my head and a bruise on my knee that I both can't explain. but I think it's not that uncommon to not remember how you got a bruise, so I don't count that). I know it must be hurtful as an alter to be told you don't exist, and I'm sorry for that. I really didn't mean to upset my alters, I'm just a little desperate because I hate feeling like I'm just pretending to have a mental illness that nobody in their right mind would want to have. So I keep trying to explain to myself why I have DID, telling myself that there's no other way to explain what's going on with me. But I guess I sometimes don't listen to myself.
Anyways, thank you for your kind words, Lana

by **Familyof3** » Mon Jul 22, 2013 4:21 am

i feel so angry at everything today. i hate the entire world and everyone in it. Inner chaos is still running rampant from the Second Level contact, and i discovered a new EP who (big surprise) carries absolute rage. we must be co-conscious or something. i cant shake the anger.

*tw -SI*

all i can think about is pain. what's the point of making myself suffer by avoiding it? who am i helping? in the end, either way im just hurting myself.
relief only counts when you can feel and see it. i dont even care if i end up in the hospital anymore.
something's wrong, and im plunging into a deep abyss

by **LanaDelRey** » Mon Jul 22, 2013 7:38 am

I'm feeling really bad today, I have an allergy attack or something, but I'm starting to think that it might be something somatoform.
I must go to the beach. I feel sad when I think that lots of people would like to live next to Lloret de Mar's beach like I do (Costa Brava :roll:

), and I don't even go to the beach. Therefore, my skin is so white, so usually I plan to go out and then I find myself at home again because somebody (Chris?) was afraid of people laughing at me for being so white.
So I'd like to go to the beach, but now I don't feel good.
It's also my third day (well, fourth day in a few hours) without smoking and it's not a big deal, but I still have a pack and two lighters of Berlin, so it's very temptating to smoke again. Smoking always helped me to do things, for example today I could say "c'mon, if you go to the beach you'll be able to smoke there".
But I must quit, because I know that if I smoke I will be wanting to quit once again, and I'm tired of that.
Tom

by **niva** » Mon Jul 22, 2013 12:28 pm

help me

help me help me :cry:

I'm sorry that things are so overwhelming for you right now, Alex. Try to keep in mind that nothing lasts forever; it will get better; the only guarantee in life is change. Do your best to not hurt yourself or make things harder than they should be, they already sound hard enough.. Would you consider going to the hospital without injuring yourself beforehand? Is there anybody you can confide in who might be able to help you?

ninchen, I'm here. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. It will pass. Come here. You will be OK.

make it stop please make it stop :cry:

Come here. It's not real; it's not happening. You're safe. I'm here. You will be OK. This will pass. Do you want to go in the fort with Jane?

:shock:

Don't touch me! :shock:

I need to get away. Help me. I can't get away :cry:

*grabs yellow blankie*
(she won't take it; she's kicking and screaming in my head)
:cry:

(We will be OK. Thanks for having this space for us to vent)
*hums to ninchen*

by **lifelongthing** » Tue Jul 23, 2013 11:41 am

I'm glad to see this thread is still in use

I hope everyone feels better really soon.

I'm doing good lately. Being productive, getting a lot better with the OCD and handling life events. We have a host again and things are going better and better as we're learning more about our system (which is a lot larger than first thought). I'm taking care of things that need to be taken care of and we're all taking steps towards healing and even seem to be experiencing another unplanned integration

Things are good.

by **Kero** » Wed Jul 24, 2013 6:06 am

The host is currently toast, which makes us an official hostless hostel. Switching like a remote control with a loose wire and a brand new battery. I actually spent 45 minutes today staring at my feet - I never realized how big they are, it's a wonder my toes don't just flap around when I walk.

Not Kero

by **Little** » Wed Jul 24, 2013 4:53 pm

Kero wrote:The host is currently toast, which makes us an official hostless hostel. Switching like a remote control with a loose wire and a brand new battery. I actually spent 45 minutes today staring at my feet - I never realized how big they are, it's a wonder my toes don't just flap around when I walk.

Not Kero

Sounds hard. I hope you get back on track soon with the host and everything.

-

I've been okay, haven't spent as much time with my insiders as I had hoped to do.

Been obsessed with instagram these days and dreamt of it three nights in a row. Hilarious.

How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

ADVERTISEMENT

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Who is online