How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Yesterday evening and this morning is pretty hazy, not as in memory wise.. just in general, looking through my eyes there's like this thin layer of smoke over everything.
My right hand has been feeling very odd though, like pins and needles? But like, a more mild, less in your face form if that makes sense? Makes me wonder if one of my alters is trying to tell me something?
I'd usually grab a pen and some paper, close my eyes and let them let it all out but all the pencils in the flat are broken and none of the pens work (strange right?)

Other than that I'm okay, still new and trying to gain the confidence to reply to more posts on here,

Kaytii

We're back from Berlin...
Mostly Alex has been "active" there, he says he gave the body more "swag"... He even posted a photo of himself (uh, oh, the body) to Facebook, we didn't did that since March... I think that's a good thing - for him.
I only was active in the plane to Berlin, with Margaret. The rest of the time, it's been Alex, Tom and unfortunately Christine.
*trigger warning*
Christine cut our wrist. I still don't know why, but I think she felt that she couldn't keep the hate to Tom's grandparents and uncle "secret".
Allie

LanaDelRey wrote:We're back from Berlin...
Mostly Alex has been "active" there, he says he gave the body more "swag"... He even posted a photo of himself (uh, oh, the body) to Facebook, we didn't did that since March... I think that's a good thing - for him.
I only was active in the plane to Berlin, with Margaret. The rest of the time, it's been Alex, Tom and unfortunately Christine.
*trigger warning*
Christine cut our wrist. I still don't know why, but I think she felt that she couldn't keep the hate to Tom's grandparents and uncle "secret".
Allie

I'm sorry to hear about what Christine did.

I woke up feeling really sad today. My partner left us this week and I woke up clinging to a cold pillow. I don't know how I am going to get through this. Life feels hopeless right now.

Watched Perks of Being a Wallflower and ended up getting triggered pretty bad I seriously wish movies had trigger warnings posted on them about sensitive subjects.
Our friend had to watch spongebob with Tia for a few hours and she even convinced him to color with her Woke up in a pile of crayons clutching a stuffed Hello Kitty. The absurdity of that moment sort of redeemed the night.

Rana: Eve is upset. Because of our psychiatrist. She doesn't know about DID. But at least we have our old meds back.

AdamMZ wrote:Rana: Eve is upset. Because of our psychiatrist. She doesn't know about DID. But at least we have our old meds back.

In my opinion meds can help but you need somebody to understand you...

Today I'm relatively happy, I'm OK with having DID. Since I came back from Berlin (uhm, 2 days ago?) I think I've been in control most of the time. Oh, wait, while waiting this I realized that I don't feel like I've been here 2 whole days, so I guess somebody else has been here
But apparently nobody has posted
Tomorrow I'll try to get active again!
Tom

feel so worn out today, its making me feel depressed. could hardly keep the body awake and moving.

not well. sick of trying to figure this out. feeling pathetic and doubting that I even have DID (again). If I have DID, then my alters are my own set of inner bullies sent straight from hell to punish me for whatever. I don't know how I deserve this. I have no reason to feel like this. And I don't know why an alter would hate me this much.
I'm just sick of trying to figure out what's wrong with me and always ending up at square 1 again. feels like nobody could ever understand or help me. I thought maybe my alters would. that maybe they'd be the friends, the home, that I've been looking for. I get so lonely and desperate.
I just thought that if I have DID, I might become whole some day. but if I don't have DID, that means that there's no helping me with this particular problem. it's driving me crazy, not being a full person. I just hoped that the part of me that I lost is still there somewhere and that I could eventually get it back. but what if I can never get it back?

(sorry guys, I may regret having written this later. I'm not sure I actually mean all of it. I mean, I definitely mean it and feel that way right now. but later I won't. I'm just... sick of being confused about everything. that's all. I guess I just figured it would be a safer way to express my feelings here, than to do something I'll definitely regret. sorry if... well I don't know what I want to say sorry for. just in case anyone is offended or anything like that by this post. I don't know. I just don't feel too well right now.)

Casey, I guess...

confused_girly wrote:not well. sick of trying to figure this out. feeling pathetic and doubting that I even have DID (again). If I have DID, then my alters are my own set of inner bullies sent straight from hell to punish me for whatever. I don't know how I deserve this. I have no reason to feel like this. And I don't know why an alter would hate me this much.
I'm just sick of trying to figure out what's wrong with me and always ending up at square 1 again. feels like nobody could ever understand or help me. I thought maybe my alters would. that maybe they'd be the friends, the home, that I've been looking for. I get so lonely and desperate.
I just thought that if I have DID, I might become whole some day. but if I don't have DID, that means that there's no helping me with this particular problem. it's driving me crazy, not being a full person. I just hoped that the part of me that I lost is still there somewhere and that I could eventually get it back. but what if I can never get it back?

(sorry guys, I may regret having written this later. I'm not sure I actually mean all of it. I mean, I definitely mean it and feel that way right now. but later I won't. I'm just... sick of being confused about everything. that's all. I guess I just figured it would be a safer way to express my feelings here, than to do something I'll definitely regret. sorry if... well I don't know what I want to say sorry for. just in case anyone is offended or anything like that by this post. I don't know. I just don't feel too well right now.)

Casey, I guess...

Denial is too common, way too common. It's very logical that you entered a stage of denial if you're having a tough time with your "inner bullies" as you call them. I don't know who are your alters but I'm sure they EXIST. I don't know if they want to help you or want to punish you, but I guess that there's already JUST ONE alter that is there to help you.
I'm not telling you that you're bad for being in denial or something, because it's totally logical, but being an alter myself I can tell you that when the host (Tom) thinks that he is feigning everything, it doesn't feel good... Imagine if your parents said that you don't exist! (OK, I know he's not our father or anything, it's just a comparaison).
Fortunately, for most people, denial goes away as fast as it came, so usually when Tom enters a denial stage, he leaves it in a day or two (usually when another of us takes control).
Keep coming to the forum, Tom can't talk to you but I'll try to tell him to PM you, I'm sure that people with experience with successfully "passing" denial will want to help you!
Lana