How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Cynthia, it is super easy and fascinating to watch. Plant some bean seeds, keep them super moist until they are a little plant like in WALL-E and then water as normal after that. I have kale beans peas and sunflowers growing and it might be fun for you. I like to see life grow.

Sea thanks, but it's no hope. Every woman rejects me and I don't know why. i mean not friends and stuff just those...its hard to explain. ever since i existed women hate me and don't want to work with me. i must be something they don't want to be with or work with or help. i repel them and make them want to leave.

so thanks for the invite to the party but i can't. In our world there is a wall that is like a castle wall but it goes from the ceiling of our world to the floor. The front is the part connected the outside world and behind the wall is where the ones on the very inside live. it is actually pretty with flowers and grass and a blue sky but completely cut off from the front world. There is a stone door with a window with bars that we sometimes look through or others look through to see us playing. I will build a castle, like evan's on the far west hill far far far away from everyone. I will imagine that i can see evan's castle over the countryside. I will stay in that castle like rapunzel. and there is not even an evil mom there. because i don't have golden hair that any evil mom might need. and here I will stay safe. And here I can't be rejected. And here I will grow my garden and live as happy as I can ever after.

and calling me blue bird is cute, thanks that is sweet but eventually you will also grow tired and annoyed with me too.

but blue is my favourite colour.

Lizzy

Hi lizzy,

I can see your castle from my castle. I'm waving!!!!! See me????

Make sure and put flags on your castle ok? That's important because flags keep the bad things away. I have really really bright blue flags today.

Evan

I'm going back to the Littles thread now. Bye!!

SamsLand wrote:so thanks for the invite to the party but i can't. In our world there is a wall that is like a castle wall but it goes from the ceiling of our world to the floor. The front is the part connected the outside world and behind the wall is where the ones on the very inside live. it is actually pretty with flowers and grass and a blue sky but completely cut off from the front world. There is a stone door with a window with bars that we sometimes look through or others look through to see us playing. I will build a castle, like evan's on the far west hill far far far away from everyone.

Oh, I see.

Hummm would you want to come out of that wall, from time to time?

We could throw a rope from Evan's castle to your castle and when you feel ready, you could reach it and slide out of it. Like ... a tyrolean traverse (?) (Whispering: it could be fun, I've done it and its super cool! We can come and pick you up. And I'll stay behind while Evan receives you. What do you say?). And you can come back safe too to your castle whenever you want.

SamsLand wrote:I will imagine that i can see evan's castle over the countryside. I will stay in that castle like rapunzel. and there is not even an evil mom there. because i don't have golden hair that any evil mom might need. and here I will stay safe. And here I can't be rejected. And here I will grow my garden and live as happy as I can ever after.

That castle sounds nice and safe. Rejection, huh? Yeah, feeling rejected sucks. I read in Brian Weiss's book that we cannot be rejected because we are all one. I like that. I know this world is not all beautiful and inclusive, but you know what? I try to do my part. I try to include others as much as I can, and I also respect myself when I cannot include everyone. I think it's wonderful there are so many beings because then some other beings include them, so the weight is not only on one person's shoulders.

SamsLand wrote:Every woman rejects me and I don't know why. i mean not friends and stuff just those...its hard to explain. ever since i existed women hate me and don't want to work with me. i must be something they don't want to be with or work with or help. i repel them and make them want to leave.

Hummm.... You know what? Most of the people's actions it's about them and much less about others. Sometimes we reject someone because we don't get them, sometimes we also feel infatuated with someone because we see a part of us in them or because they feel a void inside. So both "good" things and "bad" things, are very much filtered by how we feel and what we've experienced.

Other women at work don't want to be with you, or work with you, or help you? Humm... Do you feel comfortable asking them? Or maybe asking a friend from work to observe what happens when you interact with other woman and tell you what they perceive? Can someone from the inside be an observer too and maybe tell you gently what they observe or perceive from you and from other women?

This can give you tools to take some action.

SamsLand wrote:and calling me blue bird is cute, thanks that is sweet but eventually you will also grow tired and annoyed with me too.

but blue is my favourite colour.

Lizzy

It's cool that blue is you favourite colour.

Humm... we sometimes get tired of people we care about, but that's ok. We sometimes get tired even with ourselves. And I actually think it's something more inside us than about others. I can be pretty patient in some aspects, so I don't feel I will grow tired or annoyed with you. I have never perceived you as annoying. Actually I feel you are pretty cool. And I enjoy very much chatting with you.


I think in relationships bonds are flexible and it's ok sometimes to take time and space, but with safe bonds you can always come back to them. One of the best bonds you have is the one with yourself, and that's super important because you are always there, so you can decide never to abandon yourself. Never to reject yourself.

Besides that you can certainly have safe bonds outside. With people who want to have those bonds, and you may have different types. Online ones, off line ones.

And I even think that beyond this body we have bonds, unbreakable bonds with other souls that are friends and family, and ultimately with the universe itself. So we are at the end one whole being that "divides" to experience itself but then comes back to being one.

You are a sweet blue little bird, and as long as I'm posting and as I can, I'm very glad to talk with you.

Sea

IT WAS A T!

We left my other T, for lots of reasons, about 6 weeks ago. We did it the right way. Planned the last session. Told him in advance. Discussed leaving. He was nice. He was supportive. He even seemed a bit relieved . Maybe a break from the work. Maybe just happy to see me feel ready to move on.

Then I realized I wasn't done my work. That i still had this issue with women. Not women younger than me. Not as much with women the same bio age. But women older, or perceived older depending on who is out. and not women I don't know. women I get to know. And realized when women try to get into my personal space I freak out.

So I decided I wanted to do therapy with a woman to try to resolve my fears. Somehow I got everyone on board, even K our protector who has intense hatred for some women. So I got the courage to find one. I did as Una+ says and found therapists nearby on the isstd website. there were very few. Contacted one of the women who I though looked like I might be able to work with. Had a nice conversation, she admitted that our city wasn't really pro-talking to alters and kid alters especially. Thought about it, emailed her set an appt. and she said no.

is this some kind of bad joke?

i mean she gave a reason that was related to her practice but in my professional experience in dealing with people etc. this was a no. because in our convo she even said if we met and felt we weren't a match she'd help me find someone who was. Not even an suggestion for that. It was just a cut the line no.

maybe she is protecting me from something that she sees as her own limitation. I am searching for answers like that because I want to believe she is a professional. but I can't feel anything other than whole-hearted rejection. .with the added insult of being someone who i believed was meant to help me with the feelings of rejection by the women in my life.

and with that the fire is raging for my mom, step-mom and sisters. and yes there is more castle building. And it it totally sweet that you want lizzy to connect the castle to the fair. And she can as long as it is make believe. But there will be no connecting beyond fun and playing games. she is the heart and soul of our self and she is dying inside. and don't interpret me incorrectly; I am not forcing her to be there. She wants to die somewhere safe and alone with the things she loves, plants, animals, insects, sun and blue skies. I guess that's called dissociation.

Despair: When you wake up in the morning and think, "Oh, no. I'm still alive."

Charity

MakersDozn wrote:Despair: When you wake up in the morning and think, "Oh, no. I'm still alive."

Charity

I know what you mean, I am off to order a chem that has been through one round of animal tests to dissolve brain plaque. It worked great. I was afraid of the dementia and what seems much too soon. Last night going to sleep all I could think was what if it works I'll have to live longer. I have gotten ready to get sicker and leave, what if I have to change plans?

I know it's stupid but that does not make it not real.

I used to feel the why live since I was 5, finding I was terminal made it go away.
If I feel better it will probably come back....

Team BeccaBee is seriously considering downsizing our real world physical home. We currently live in and mantain a 1400sqft home on an acre of land deep in the boonies.

we love our house, our yard, the peace, and the privacy.

we hate having no internet! living paycheck to ######6 paycheck. and honestly: more space = more $#%^ = more work = less time = more crazy

we have yet to find the formula of space + time + money = happy balance.

internet is very much becoming a need as child progresses in school. the commute (and cost there of) becomes more burdensome in time and money and little $#%^. like, "hey can you feed my cats while I go on vacation?" it's only a 25 mile drive each way.

an apartment I rented 15 years ago is up for rent this summer. it is ridiculously cheap. mainly because it is an attic with an A-line roof and nobody over 5'4" could live there comfortably. my friends called it "the hobbit hole". it is actually quite a cute space in a good location. and I am hobbit proportioned myself the wildcard is that it is a duplex so one has no control over the downstairs neighbors. it boasts a fenced yard and off street parking and even has a cute little covered porch. private entry and all that.

moving here would save me @800-1000/month. right?
it is definately cutting my square feet in half and eliminating a lot of vertical space. I think I could make it cute and totally workable for me and little bit. it gives us access to Greenway trails, walkable neighborhoods, and the "uptown" scene. like bands in the park, art fairs, Wednesday markets. the kind of $#%^ urban areas do to be hip and cool and not be all like "oh, no we might get mugged".

it cuts the commute 60%.

it is CONSIDERABLE DOWNSIZING. we are weighing the decision and may execute this summer. this barely getting by $#%^ has to go.

hey everyone who is struggling... just wanted to say that we hear you.
feels pretty helpless to read about serious struggles and there is really nothing we could do, although we wish we could. you guys are awesome and dear to us.

temperature dropped more than 20 degrees over night. headache is killing us.
but at least we found one big problem we could fix immediately. nobody remembered to take the thyroid hormones for at least 5 weeks. we just forgot that we need them. well, at least that explains a hell lot of trouble we ve had...

Asti with Annett and Maya

Asti/Annett/Maya,

Yikes. No need to answer if you don't want to, but is it an overactive or underactive thyroid? Our father's was overactive. In his later years he lost a lot of weight, and in retrospect we wonder if he should have been taking a higher dose of medication. Trouble was, all of his different meds interacted with each other.

MDs

its underactive, with an autoimmune problem attached to it.
we thought that the depressive mood and lack of physical strength were connected to mental problems.
i am not sure what harm this could have done to the body. i just noticed that we didnt get hungry and had to force it to get at least one meal a day. so def less than perfect.