How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Grem, it's surprising how often we use the letter E, isn't it?

Well, something interesting took place today. It rained in our inner world. That's never happened before. Really, it shouldn't have because we live in a giant cave, so there should be no weather, although once someone made it snow.

I do know why it rained, though. Someone in the system made a big mistake and, as a result, we had to do something we never, ever wanted to do. It was hard on us. It made us cry, but we got through it. So, then, it started to rain. We found comfort listening to Superchic[k]'s song "Stand in the Rain" and Rihanna's song "Umbrella". Very soothing.

I'm so glad someone started this thread way back when they did. It helps me so much to share my experiences when I don't care to write about it in my journal. I hope everyone else is having having good day.

- Marcella

I was supposed to post this in our journal, but the words won't come when I try to write there. I can only express myself on here for some reason. Anyway ...

It's Eve, formerly--but still sometimes--known as Grant. I don't know why I said I was no longer disphoric and causing problems, because it's not true. I am so miserably disphoric and still causing problems. I mean with the outside body, of course. I just hate to see our reflection! I honestly think we look like a boy. I still see it as a "before" picture to some radical make-over that I desperately want to take place. I hate it!

I know all the reasons against the make-over I want. Marcella, whom I call "Mom" now, has told me again and again. I am not alone in this body. Everyone should feel comfortable coming out, including our men and boys. We need to be wise about how we spend our money. Blah, blah, blah! It just won't sink in. I'm still just as disphoric and frustrated as ever.

Cullen has become my friend, but even he said that "no one cares what I think". I wonder if it isn't true. My friend wouldn't lie to me. No one is really saying "No make-over!" except Mom and Raymund, but Raymund has been described as "the manliness man in our system" so OF COURSE he doesn't want to look girly. (Then again, he is a giant blog for real, so he could never identify with the outer body, unless he suddenly became human.) No one else will speak up on the subject. Logan, our little mouse fellow, says it's because the other alters in our system have gotten used to being passive, silent observers of daily life. I guess they've forgotten or never knew how to participate. As for me, I have never been a silent observer. I love taking an active role in life! I'm starting to become a host, sort of, but I don't want to be the Host. That's Mom's job.

Worse yet, I keep reverting back to being Grant. It's like the Eve identity is just a mask that keeps slipping. I was hoping my gender transition would be a permanent thing, but it seems it isn't. I have to consciously make myself be Eve again. I do this not just because I really, really want to be Eve but because, as Grant, I have anger issues that I am afraid of. I know I need to address the anger ... but I think it's all about the gender disphoria, so wouldn't being a girl nullify the need to feel angry?

I don't know. It's all so confusing. I hope you don't mind me spilling my gust out all over this thread. Like I said, I just couldn't get myself to use our personal, online journal.

Feedback and support is appreciated and welcome.

- Eve (AKA Grant)

Daria here, went for coffee with a friend today which was fun. going shopping with our CMHA worker in about 40 minutes. hopefully we can cope with the anxiety.

went to the pharmacy on the bus today, with our CMHA worker, though she kept her distance deliberately so it would feel more like we were on our own. we listened to music on the way which helped though we had to keep our head down while we drove past a triggering area both on the way there and back.

had trouble with the self checkout machine which was frustrating. while waiting for the bus our worker noted we had been rather quiet and asked if we were ok, we said no. said we were anxious.

talked about the feeling of powerlessness for some reason. mentioned feeling trapped.

bought bubble bath, q-tips, nuts, and chili. everything except the bubble bath was on sale.

the trip was so short we only needed to scan our transfer the entire time!

it was quite mild out and we wore Disney cat leggings, black cotton midi dress, and rainbow jacket.

Hello Truly_Happy . When I was reading this post you wrote, I couldn't help but think of something weird that happens with our system. I have two people who are mostly the people who are presenting and in the front and one's male and another's female and that means I am subtly switching between the genders through the day. But It's weird sometimes, and I feel like it makes the way I express myself to others harder. Like I feel really sure I am one way sometimes and the next it's just different.

littleDaria Wow that is quite the day! I was a bit overwhelmed just reading about it.

Well somehow amidst all this i think i caught a common cold (and yes that's what i think it is). and it's weird experiencing a cold after so long. i feel really lacking in energy and just dragging myself through the day.

Hello Eve/Grant!

Being genderfluid is a completely valid identity!

There is something that help us in here when we switch (me, Lust, is very feminine while others in here are very masculine, others are non-binary or agender...) it is, wearing a kilt. A kilt is a masculine item of clothing that can also feel like wearing a skirt.

There are other "skirts for men" types of clothes, too.

We also wear make-up. There is a lot of ways to use make-up that can be "feminine looking boy" or "masculine looking girl" and anything in between. Do not hesitate to experiment!

David, one of the most masculine men in the system, loves wearing lip gloss and highlighter. He sees it as a manly way of showing he is confident enough in his manlyness to wear makeup.

Eye liner can also look very nice on a man while still feeling feminine if you are fem.

There is room for trying a lot of things untill you find what make you comfortable while being seen as acceptable by the rest of the system.

This being said... Men with eyeliners FTW!

xoxo

__
Lust.

hey, it's grem here. my computer is broken. the motherboard is fried. i might not be able to be active for a while because of it. i'm having to make this post on my phone, which is surprisingly difficult i hope i can come back to this forum soon.

-grem (host)

wow, that's awful! hope the program gets fixed quickly.

Grant-Eve says "thank you for all the replies". It's good to know they have all your support. I guess I can't now post a rant about how they still want to enhance our breasts and how much I'm struggling to fight against what appears to me to be an outright obsession here. But, you should at least know that Grant-Eve is becoming more comfortable being Grant and is feeling less disphoric today. And, by the way, we really are not trying to look like a man. That was just Grant-Eve's perception of the body. I'm shooting for gender neutrality, not masculinity.

Well, I have other things to write about. We had what someone in the system called a "catastrophe" last night. I have no idea what happened, as I was busy the whole time, but I was told that different people in the system just kept suffering crisis after crisis. No one has told me what they went through yet. I just know people were so negatively impacted that it rained in our inner world again. I guess the good thing to mention is that the system was able to "put out the fires" without me. Some times I feel like I have to be a super hero around here. Nice to know other people can handle the problems, too.

Today ... is a new day. We just came out of a hard time and it's nice to breath. Really, it feels like we just came out of a war and we're still counting our victories and losses. Trying to focus on those victories, of course. We're just still not sure how much we've won.

- Marcella

slept well but had strange dreams. one more weekend day to make it through. between about 21h45 and 23h30 there were fireworks from across the river in the US because today is the fourth of July. it was nearly constant and very irritating.

been having emotional episodes during which we experience rage, shame, and loss, regret.