How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Hi davidisntreal,

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like it's time to figure yourself out. Do you have a T yet?

birdsong I hope you're staying safe. You really help lots of people - us included.

We finally get a break today. Host has been working too much and not leaving time for us. I think he did it on purpose so he wouldn't have to mess with us. Now he's doing better and talking to us again.

Iain

We havent been posting a lot lately bc our brain has been fried lol... its hard 2 focus nd were recovering from a cold or something like that frm like 9 days ago, we have a lot of work 2 finish up but neither me nor host wants to do it :/ Theres also college stuff 2 do (financial aid and documents 4 our admissions processes) the deadline 4 financial aid is tuesday bt our dad doesnt know anything. Anything. abt applying for college or anything like that so were basically screwed unless we figure it out ourselves :/

I feel like crap atm 2 bc im feeling ignored by a lot of ppl rn, like weve been reaching out all day 2day 2 chat w ppl and it feels like its slowing down bc im a bad person. Bt im not. So... idk. Doesnt really change the getting ignored part. mayb we just need new friends lol.
TA

I've been thinking a lot recently about my life and experiences that I didn't classify as traumatic until actually examining them in the context of my life and development. Changed my signature to include a tentative self-diagnosis of C-PTSD (which, I've basically exhibited some symptoms of PTSD as early as four years ago, so I don't know why I never caught on to it until now.) Thus ... the brain fry.
This last month has been a critical moment. Trying really hard right now. Lots of things to be done. It'll get done somehow.
Host

I have done a good job of staying focused and rolling with the punches. wild week.

ready to crash. hard. good nite!!!!!

Hey, thanks. That helped us feel a bit more validated, those replies.

Tw/cn (highlight to read - White font) - Blood mention/health/A trip to Urgent Care/Vampiric smol's actually hilarious comment on what gave me a breakdown earlier:
***
Our ISH/maternal/pink haired friend today did more fronting than ever and we're grateful cause we had to go to urgent care for kidney stones and (pretty sure I'm mostly that so-called host rn) I was having a breakdown cause I couldn't bear the idea of going to the ER dealing with the same horrible night staff and 12 hour wait time and us all being there alone in a weakened state.

She experienced arguably her first ever case of anger. EIther that or I was co-present with her having an episode in the 'backseat' Despite my friend dropping me out for safety. She is great at helping others and enjoys it, when she can, far more than questioning what is behind her kindness (she thinks there is more trauma deep in her). Our physical defender/transcendent/white haired type felt like she had to vector off of my emotions in order to develop hers; She suspects this is cause emotion didn't help her follow through with her role before more self awareness.

So, we're wondering if passive influence or if our Pink haired friend ended up blending with me... Or if, whether or not via the same way the defendery one found her feelings, Pinky felt her first true anger.

In hindsight it scared her. She usually only gets frustrated.

I think those replies are really helpful, thank you. The line has definitely blurred with us either owning or disowning traits whether intentional or not. It has messed with our sense of names being like a safety bubble of associated identity and traits; Pink ISH was actually horrified of the way she acted before going into an Urgent Care and taking care of us. She hates being angry or having that kind of a tone.

I dunno, we're doing a little better, but the smol vampy one woke up (Said tweeny, atypical smol that is actually way too intelligent and 'mature' In how she deals and voices herself... Despite all of her other feelings associated to her form). I guess the funny moment of today was when she woke up... She always wakes up right before the shell has to sleep (ugh, poor thing). And yeah, she's definitely vampiric and has those traits (heavily suspected symbolism of trauma from chronic illness and synesthesia and whatnot, but also... She's actually has all of the weird stuff sanguanarians claim to have in drinking from donors). The color red will trigger her out. She is in no way dangerous, but, yeah. I'm still just as surprised as you may be, but none of us are human and that's not really uncommon with DID selves from everything I've seen.

Anyway, she wakes up after all of that drama and breakdown and was barely awake all day and goes, 'This is *not* the way I wanted to see blood, everyone.'

******

TL;DR, though... How do you change different self awareness/sleep patterns of selves when they seem to (often) come out in a specific order even though (I guess mostly me, so-called host has no real sleep schedule cause of insomnia)?

Do you intentionally wake them up earlier sometimes or sometimes let it be? Vampy Smol has *always* been waking up right when everyone else is asleep and while I understand a vampire type to be nocturnal in association, like... She never gets to experience the day. She always wakes up right when I have to put the chronically ill shell to bed and spoons are gone.

Any of you have success in syncing sleep times or do you gotta be patient? Cause she sure is! I mean... I could wake her up by triggering her out with imagery and re-enforce the connection, but I kinda wish she could be less depressed that she wakes up right before I'm asleep?

Thanks,

-Mostly Host

I hope everyone's doing the best they can <3

i am sad. i think that i am a very very crazy person. somehow i feel pity for myself.
hit denial again. it always happens when there is too much going on inside.
at least i know the pattern.
we have had some small breakthru and we are working hard to find balance again.
too hard. its all crazy now.

everyone is their own brand of crazy. it is part of the human condition.

I'm happy to hear of the breakthrough, sometimes small means super important. baby steps right?

Nekxie sorry I couldn't read the white font. I hope you are all doing better.

Birdsong I am crazy too. There is power in acceptance of being different but try not to put yourself down for it.

BeccaBee hooray! Well done!

TA applications can be daunting. Just keep plugging away and it will get done. I know what it's like to feel like you are always the one approaching friends and getting little in return. It helped when I made one friend who was true and made some more friends inside. Keep reaching out. That is all you can do until you find a match.

ShiningLights host does that Dx give you some insight that you didn't have before? I found that my Dx gave me hope instead of the reverse.

Iain glad host gave you some time. It really helps us to feel more balance when I (C) do that

-----------------------

We have been struggling to recover from (or more like reduce symptoms of) bulimia and it is exhausting. I feel like we need a higher level of care but our other disorders make this very difficult to access. Have been doing a lot of delaying and sitting with feelings that is very hard and upsetting. We are climbing a mountain without any preparation exercises. I have tried to step back my perfectionism a little and instead of counting days without a binge/purge I'm counting hours. I feel a bit more supported with this plan.
C.

SamsLand wrote:everyone is their own brand of crazy. it is part of the human condition.

######6!


I survived my weekend of exhaustion. the next two weeks will be touch and go as I try to get my battery levels back up. self care for the win!

ColouredLeaves wrote:TA applications can be daunting. Just keep plugging away and it will get done. I know what it's like to feel like you are always the one approaching friends and getting little in return. It helped when I made one friend who was true and made some more friends inside. Keep reaching out. That is all you can do until you find a match.

ShiningLights host does that Dx give you some insight that you didn't have before? I found that my Dx gave me hope instead of the reverse.

Hi C.,

Yes, it gives me insight. Such as why I never really felt traumatized—because traumatic things are somewhat the norm in my household, and why I feel markedly different from my peers (aside from being multiple)—because I'm traumatized and developed differently because of it. It also gives me hope, because I know what I'm dealing with—I can think about goals for future treatment and recovery once I understand the full extent of my symptoms.
Host

Hi

Asdfjkl thanks for responding 2 me i always feel weird about posting on here 4 various reasons

Host is looking at the applications, im mostly just stressed abt our future. Im not even supposed 2 b "the 1 going 2 college"--that's serenade--bt it stresses me out anyway bc im afraid of failure or something?? Nd yeah im definitely interested in making friends inside, i know like 1 other person than host (but we dont rlly talk.) and i want 2 b able 2 like ... talk 2 the other ppl here bc im vaguely aware of their existence i guess but idk ?? Its confusing. Were really just hoping it gets easier 2 communicate without having 2 front once we get out of the house. Nd theres always friends outside but asdfjkl i feel weird enough talking 2 ppl online where they cant see my face, or talking 2 hosts friends where they dont know its me idk how i wld feel abt talking 2 ppl where they can "see" me
TA

Today is one of my worst. I'm carrying out plans to makes our live better. More independent. But so many of us are bitter about choices I made before being brought into the fold.

Everything I do, everything I've tried, has been criticized and mocked. Met with a flippant attitude. Deliberate sabatoge that is always written off as a joke.

It isn't all of us. Just most. Everything is eclipsed by somes desires for a change in our reality. A change in who I am.

My resentment is a tide that ebbs and flows, but for many of us, it's a constant.

Today, though, my need for peace is enough to give my life, and that of the rest of us. I hope this isn't a feeling that lasts much longer.