descending into madness... *trigger warning*

some updates i guess... things have been kinda hard lately...

**general trigger warning**


first of all, i'm still on my own for the most part. (see this thread for more explanation: 4th day of being out alone and feeling weird: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic108752.html). most of the time i'm back to not being able to really sense anyone, so i guess they're all far away or something. but the intercoms and communication stuff has gotten better at times. i'm still going up and down with how old and young i feel, and my knowledge still changes with my age. some switches and co-hosting has happened lately though so there's some progress.



the inner world, for the most part, is still empty space. exactly like outer space, except there's no planets, only millions of stars, black sky, faint swirls of color here and there. the control room is gone, there's just the control pod now. it was like an escape pod from the actual control room. it has all the stuff that's necessary for a control room, controls, some communication lines/devices, screens, etc., it's just very small, much smaller than the control room was, and it doesn't have as nice of technology that the control room had because it's only got what's necessary for the most part.



but that's changed lately...



like a day or so ago, cassidy seemed to rise up from the depths of space, and she brought a whole world with her. the inner world has been transformed into like a dark realm, a shadow realm, with dark ground, dead trees, burning embers everywhere, ash in the air, dark clouds, a dark sky, shadows everywhere, and home to creatures of nightmares and horror movies.

it's not pleasant.

i don't know if the others share this inner world. or if they're so far away that they've managed to escape it somehow. but anyone that is in the control pod with me shares this inner world of darkness.



kat seems to have the ability to "absorb" cassidy's world, though. when she's up front, in the control pod, it's like she's able to keep cassidy's world to herself, in her head (on the inside) only. but when kat's not around, cassidy's world seems to engulf everything.



and the things i've been seeing...

i see creatures that aren't really there. monsters that aren't real that are trying to get me. i see blackened holes where eyes should be, and sometimes i see blood running from them. i see peoples' skin turn black or ashy, and i see them grow fangs or become monsterous in some way.


and i see things happen that aren't actually happening/don't actually happen... things that are usually negative, or violent, or gory, or scary, or something...

i'll see a car crash happen that doesn't actually happen. i'll see an animal get run over in detail that doesn't actually happen. (there will be an animal and a car, but it won't have started crossing yet, or it'll have missed the car by a mile, or something like that). i'll...i'll see myself do something to hurt mikey when in reality i'm not doing anything at all... i'll see people fall and injure themselves in a gory way when in reality they never fell at all. it's like i'm seeing the worst possibly outcomes for things happen when in reality they're not actually happening...



i get flashes of images from inside too... images of creatures, monsters, scary things, violence, fights between monsters, things hunting me or trying to get me, images of injuries like broken bones, bad gashes, smashed skulls... it's like being shown a photo or something, just a flash of a very clear and realistic picture...



kat seems to be able to sorta help with the hallucinations and images and such. she seems to be able to "absorb" them too, and they only get shown to her for the most part when she's up front in the control pod. but she's not around all the time..



i feel like i'm going crazy...i feel very scared sometimes...for the most part i just try to distract myself and busy myself with things...but it's getting harder to do that... i feel like i'm losing my grip on reality... and i don't know how to stop this or make it better or help it or anything...


i feel like alice in wonderland...


- cassie (age ?)

This sounds very very distressing. Have you considered going in-patient or finding a sliding scale T? Sometimes, even if you don't have the funds, you have to do what it takes to stay safe. Is there anyone that could loan you the money to start seeing a T for instance?

I'm so sorry this is happening Thinking of you all.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
We're thinking of you.
Love,
Ellie

*hugs and snuggles and doggy tail wiggles if wanted*

When we get episodes similar to this, we take Seroquel for a day or two to see if that stops it. It usually halts the visuals dead in their tracks, and aids in reducing the paranoia that accompanies this sort of thing.
I am aware we do not take our meds 'correctly' all the time, so take the advice with a grain of salt. Perhaps your doctor or therapist would be able to prescribe you something for a few days until the episode passes. For us, they usually last a few hours to a week or so, and I have found meditation and general distraction to be useful in countering these frightening visuals. Do you notice any patterns when it comes to seeing them, like if you look at something for more than a few seconds, will it start to shift into the frightening object? If any patterns are noticed, they can often be worked around to avoid or decrease the vividness of the visuals.

Best of wishes.

ps, Alex wants me to add that holding crystals such as a tourmaline or jet also decreases to stops these visuals for a decent percentage of the time. Tourmaline acts as a psychic shield (which could function in your inner world, while jet protects against negative entities as well as shields. Tourmaline also aids in reducing panic and fearful or negative feelings.

We're sorry that it's gotten to this point... We don't know what to say but we're thinking of you and we hope this can be sorted out peacefully.
Maybe finding a doctor you can afford will be beneficial...

lifelongthing wrote:This sounds very very distressing. Have you considered going in-patient or finding a sliding scale T? Sometimes, even if you don't have the funds, you have to do what it takes to stay safe. Is there anyone that could loan you the money to start seeing a T for instance?

I'm so sorry this is happening Thinking of you all.

thank you...

we're holding off on in-patient until it's absolutely needed because there's no way we could ever afford it, so we'd just be getting ourselves into more debt...

we've been trying to find a therapist, but the only ones there are so far that we can afford are walk-in emergency ones that we've tried before, and they're no help at all, because they mainly focus on suicidal patients or ones forced to go there by the law or stuff like that. (that and the last time we tried one, no one believed us, and i was stuck out and i was 8, and they told me that i'd have to "act my age" and fill out paperwork to get help ).

so far, no... we don't have anyone right now that can loan us money for that.


- cassie (age ?)

LittleRedDogToo wrote:I'm sorry you're going through this.
We're thinking of you.
Love,
Ellie

*hugs and snuggles and doggy tail wiggles if wanted*

*hugs, snuggles, doggy tail wiggles, all appreciated*

thank you.


- cassie (age ?)

Familyof3 wrote:When we get episodes similar to this, we take Seroquel for a day or two to see if that stops it. It usually halts the visuals dead in their tracks, and aids in reducing the paranoia that accompanies this sort of thing.
I am aware we do not take our meds 'correctly' all the time, so take the advice with a grain of salt. Perhaps your doctor or therapist would be able to prescribe you something for a few days until the episode passes. For us, they usually last a few hours to a week or so, and I have found meditation and general distraction to be useful in countering these frightening visuals. Do you notice any patterns when it comes to seeing them, like if you look at something for more than a few seconds, will it start to shift into the frightening object? If any patterns are noticed, they can often be worked around to avoid or decrease the vividness of the visuals.

Best of wishes.

ps, Alex wants me to add that holding crystals such as a tourmaline or jet also decreases to stops these visuals for a decent percentage of the time. Tourmaline acts as a psychic shield (which could function in your inner world, while jet protects against negative entities as well as shields. Tourmaline also aids in reducing panic and fearful or negative feelings.

we don't have a doctor or a therapist right now, so no way to get meds, and i dunno if we'd take them anyway (we're very wary about using meds because our bipolar meds made cassandra feel like an emotionless hollow shell and blocked us out).

meditation doesn't work... every time i close my eyes i'm inside the shadowy, dark inner world, or i'll get an image flash of something scary or violent, and i don't like it... and if i try to meditate with my eyes open, that just makes me hallucinate...

there's not much of a pattern that i can tell... except that when it comes to people, i'll usually see what's real on top of the hallucination, if that makes sense. kinda like the hallucination is underneath and kinda showing through. for most things i seem to see them in my head first and then they either stay there or become a hallucination outside.

i think i'm being made to see or being shown the hallucinations and images and stuff so i dunno how well stuff is going to work for distracting myself and such... so far it's been doing ok, keeping myself distracted, but it's getting harder to do and the hallucinations and images are getting worse...

thanks for the crystal advice. i'm not sure where to find them, or if we could get them, but i'll look into it.


- cassie (age ?)

AliasForAFew wrote:We're sorry that it's gotten to this point... We don't know what to say but we're thinking of you and we hope this can be sorted out peacefully.
Maybe finding a doctor you can afford will be beneficial...

thank you...

we're definitely trying... but nothing so far...


- cassie (age ?)

I m no doctor or specialist, but I do feel what you re goin through.

Host has been attacked and followed by creatures of the dark often occasions.
She learned how to deal with that, that s the good news: you can learn to deal with that.

For now Cassidy is - in my opinion - lookin for acknowledgment that he or she exists and it s world too. That pushes the others away for now. It s scary and lonely but you will get through this.

This world in general is good and bad nice and cruel so it s normal to have such an inner world too.

Can you concentrate on you Cassie? What makes you feel safe when you see the monsters?
Is there a place no one knows you can go to when needed?

I ve written a nine step program for communication. It s scary it really is, but it may be of help. If you want to do it together online I m willin to talk the steps through with you.

You re makin progress here, things are changin and for the better.

I think meds woould be a support, if you can t get them now, focus on what s real. This can be done by squeezin a stressbal, pushin your feet on the floor, huggin yourself real tight.
Strokin your hair and face. Touch the palm of your hands.

DONT do meditationright now, it ll worsen things;

Keep talkin

Love

Nina11

Going for walks (even if just around your apartment or back yard), holding my crystals or playing video games/watching tv helps me out. Electronics distract the brain from focusing on things. If it gets too scary, maybe try asking someone else to come out and take over the body for a bit? We get times when Birch doesn't see the same things as me or see them as vividly. I hope you're ok. *safe hugs if wanted*

Well I can imagine it feels like losing it. I am scared to give advice I never really did it before on such a serious forum. I am 13-15 and it also sounds very fascinating. If you only had a safe way to explore the dark world of Cassidy. Does she like it there or is it as awful to her as to you?
The vivid visions, I think I experience something similar. And I am considering running away somewhere. maybe inpatient. no, that would be horrible. doctors are bad.
I have this huge persona close to me who likes to watch gore. Because of that... I couldn't unsee what she saw and now I am in a way fascinated, but that is bad I guess.
I want to read more about you, will you keep writing? I will have you on my mind, really, because what you wrote grabs me- Laura or Rosa would be really feeling and rooting for you and being sad. I am a bit a lot different and may say things outta place but I hope you see trough this, I don't want to offend, I want to hear you are getting better and they are coming back and kat is helping with Cassidy's world more. And that Cassidy is all right.
Well, here's an invisible rose, it has thorns, thorns can protect a little.

ISAKA

Isaka you cheesy goofball
I know, Biggie. At least you said something for me to write down.
tell them hi and that awful images are beautiful but that is hard to accept
I am writing this down but even I think this is controversial
am not saying bad things are beautiful, images have clues that unlock the potential of beauty that people often need but they code it up so only big need, fear or lust can decode them, so they are not mundane, god, be daft not deft Isa

Okay Biggie is all haughty now but she asked to type it down so I did, maybe a bad choice...

PinkiePie wrote:tell them hi and that awful images are beautiful but that is hard to accept
I am writing this down but even I think this is controversial
am not saying bad things are beautiful, images have clues that unlock the potential of beauty that people often need but they code it up so only big need, fear or lust can decode them, so they are not mundane, god, be daft not deft Isa

Uhm yeah. Probably totally irrelevant but just in case: Mal kind of calms himself down visualising horrid stuff. Did use to get me thinking I was losing it for good for a short while, because this stuff would come up like these technicolor overlays and just block out our vision of the outside world for a moment. And then there was the stuff we did to dolls for art's sake (great, great pretext) Pretty nasty as well really.

We don't really lose time, but I don't want to imagine what it would be like to wake up to that stuff if you don't have at least a vague recollection of how you felt when you did it.

Thing is though, in Mal's case they weren't really intended to mess with us, it really does just calm him.

Thought I'd say just in case.

Hope things look up soon