getting into contact with feelings

I should probably note that I am not very good at this, and I am way better at dealing with emotion from a past event than emotion from a present event.

I don't think I mean grounding? I mean more like an outlet for expressing yourself. Expressing anything you want to. Sort of, a place where you can listen to yourself? Um... that's what it feels like. A place you feel safe enough to express yourself too, almost like an extension of yourself in some tableau/format. It doesn't really matter what outlet you choose. And it takes time to develop that degree of comfort with such a thing.

So my outlet is writing about what's going on in my life. It took me years before I could journal like that. At first, I wasn't journaling very often because I wasn't used to it, didn't have anything to say, etc. And I also didn't have a spot where I could be assured that I wouldn't be bothered when I was doing it (whatcha writing? or somebody snooping on what I'd written in a paper journal). So at first, I wrote imagining someone else would read it. After a time, I grew comfortable with it, and I made sure nobody else could read it.

After that, when the emotion started to show up, I mean, sort of, saying, yes, that was scary/whatever emotion. Not saying, what are you talking about? This is Snoopy; Snoopy isn't scary. Well, yes, Snoopy can be scary. Or, my computer died about a year and a half ago, and I am sad about it. Not saying, it's just a computer, and it's been a year and a half, man; get over it already. There are still times I want to go back and look at journal entries from then, and I thought I would be able to, and now I can't, so I'm sad.

I dunno. I am sure there are other ways to do this, but this is my method.

Thanks. I have journaled for years but never seriously. I mean, with months in between (up to a year or possibly more). Now I'm doing it a bit more frequently. But only when I feel like I want something out of the system. Good to hear it's something that one needs to get used to.

I feel like I'm hiding emotion. I feel like I'm looking for what I'm hiding. And at the same time, I feel like I look for something that's right in front of me.

I think I should make a place where I can write/draw stuff without any limitations. I mean, nobody should ever get to read that. (I still feel like journal entries should at least be acceptable for others to read - not for everyone, but at least it shouldn't feel like a big problem when someone does read).

Handwriting is great if you have a habit of self censoring (I do) but Mal set up a locked (non-public) blog some years ago all of Us could post to via email, but to prevent censoring only he could log into the account itself.

I knew the password, I just couldn't type it in
Anyway, I get worried about having a diary like that on my computer, so it may seem odd to put it online and rely on blogger.com to keep it secret for me, but it's another option in case you're typing

Yeah, that's exactly how I started journalling. Once in a blue moon, then slowly but surely, GWAH - in fits and starts, and then when I was bored. And now it's habit. I started on paper, moved to LiveJournal, and then moved to my laptop and then some back to paper again. I think a lot of those changes had to do with security, to be honest, and as I write more and more and divulge more and more, I get a lot more paranoid about security. The one caveat about having your journal on the Internet, I found, was that I would lose my entry if the Internet or site connection got wonky (kind of like being here).

There's more I mean to write, but I would PM it to you if that's okay?

I think some stuff just needs to be written down in a paper diary. Well, it works for me best that way.

Often, a reason not to journal is because I'm bored. But that may change. Now I have more to actually write.

I often get paranoid about security. That's why I don't feel comfortable putting everything in the computer (it's already password-protected and encrypted). I don't feel like putting it online because that's a far greater security risk (methinks). And who knows whether the site gets down the next day?

It's OK to PM. Actually, I'd like to know what you wanted to write.

Hello - I haven't read the every post here but thought i would chime in on journal security - Because I have children/teens around who could stumble onto a journal or computer entry - I have had to beef up journal security - so I purchased a portable file box (it's plastic) and a small lock - It's not going to be full-proof but it's a giving me peace of mind...the box is storage for DID books & journals I need to keep private. For current journals I have a cash lockbox with key that works great for everyday use.

I still use the computer but I send all entries to evernote, delete them off my computer and log out of the evernote account so it's not left open on my laptop.

Hope I didn't interrupt -
Best wishes with journaling & processing feelings etc..

If I do that, my family would wonder what I'm hiding. Better leave it unlocked. No questions asked then. And I don't think they'd look into it anyway.

It's more like, if I ever want to show parts of it, I might accidentally show pages I'd rather not show. I've now decided my current journal will become primarily my private journal. Everything should be possible to write/draw there - even violent or explicit things, if parts need that (and I think they want that).

>>If I do that, my family would wonder what I'm hiding. Better leave it unlocked. No questions asked then. And I don't think they'd look into it anyway.>>

Makes sense- my protector gets kinda carried away with locking stuff up

I think there are more emotions that I'm hiding, actually. One is anger. I'm, it seems, never angry.

I made sort-of a poem yesterday night. Not exactly the best one around, but it explains how I was feeling then. Here is a translated version:
** possible trigger ? **
How long will it take...
Take before the bomb explodes
before everything is too late
When all barriers are gone
When the whole hell has broken loose.
?
How long?

This was next to a drawing of some huge bomb, with a burning fuse.
I actually wonder how long it will take...