getting into contact with feelings

Feeling weird right now, probably due to some switching... no idea who's out right now (as usual). I can type though.

So, I don't really know how to do this. Maybe I'm just afraid of what lies behind...
But memories mostly have no feelings attached to them. When imagining things (or maybe it's the inner world, who knows?) I don't feel pain. And I don't feel 'pain' or really any feeling when something bad happens. I feel numb. Nothing seems to touch me. I don't know. The only pain I feel is physical pain, and what might be body memories (also physical pain, in a sense). But emotions, I just don't feel them. Positive emotions aren't really there either.

Could it be this is because then the flashes I have (maybe they're flashbacks) would be too overwhelming? Or maybe then the feelings would just be too much? I've never felt much emotion... but now the numbing or whatever seems to get much stronger.

(post not entirely written by host - or, maybe he's not the host anymore) -?

My memories don't come with feelings attached either. Just snapshots I can barely date going by my surroundings or approximate age.. which I can tell because most of them I am not even in the body for but looking at the body. The only way I get emotional memory is flashbacks.. so sorry, not able to advise in that regard. But I can relate at least

I am familiar with the numbness you describe. For me it was always part of depersonalization, which has been both a curse and a blessing over the years.

It is designed to protect you from overwhelming feelings. But more likely than not it "protects" you from plenty of emotions you can handle/enjoy as well. It can even numb physical pain. I used to be such a hardass about physical pain.. but then I rarely felt my body anyway and when I did it felt unrelated to me. The human brain.. pretty magic, huh? I know it doesn't feel like it, not experiencing your own emotions is difficult to deal with.

Anyway, one thing that should help you recognise and work towards staying with emotions would be grounding techniques and body awareness.

I know I have seen other threads about grounding/body awareness both but this is all the search is offering me right now:
depersonalization/topic69043.html?hilit=grounding%20technique#p547474

I usually just run my hands along my whole body, top to toes, feet firmly on the ground, feel the weight of your body as you are sitting/standing, put your hand on your stomach so you can feel the movement of your own breathing.

That should get you a little closer to your body and the closer you feel to the body, hopefully should bring you closer to your emotions too.

Hope that wasn't totally off topic.

oaktree wrote:Feeling weird right now, probably due to some switching... no idea who's out right now (as usual). I can type though.

So, I don't really know how to do this. Maybe I'm just afraid of what lies behind...
But memories mostly have no feelings attached to them. When imagining things (or maybe it's the inner world, who knows?) I don't feel pain. And I don't feel 'pain' or really any feeling when something bad happens. I feel numb. Nothing seems to touch me. I don't know. The only pain I feel is physical pain, and what might be body memories (also physical pain, in a sense). But emotions, I just don't feel them. Positive emotions aren't really there either.

Could it be this is because then the flashes I have (maybe they're flashbacks) would be too overwhelming? Or maybe then the feelings would just be too much? I've never felt much emotion... but now the numbing or whatever seems to get much stronger.

(post not entirely written by host - or, maybe he's not the host anymore) -?

I suppose with the feelings it would be too much indeed... Maybe that is going to happen, the connection of memories/flashbacks and feelings- when you are ready for this. At least this is what I expect- I am also v. detached. Memories ache in a 'why didn't you protect me' way, not how it would.
Sometimes I do have flashes when those things get connected and are together. It's bad. My doc and therapist have me on 'psycho breakdown' watch now.

Maybe the numbing and the host-confusion is a much needed break? Make yourself feel safe in any way you can and do something escapist, watch a comedy or anything that would fit you and engage you. I know it will last longer than the movie, but- I have a feeling it would help me in such situation. Or music.

Well everyone here has your back sooo...

I think it s part of dissociation.

You take distance from e motions, from ho w much something affects you.

Tryin to get back in touch with reality helps.
Comfortin things.
A fleece blanket,a comfortable sweater, a drink you like, tellin yourself what you re wearin, where your e standin or sittin, what you were doin in the midst of the outburst.

I think the others gave great advice.

I m wonderin who I am too, it s so confusin at times isn t it?
love
nina11

Thank you all for the help. I will reply more in-depth tomorrow.

Now, well rested I'll respond properly.

Teatime wrote:most of them I am not even in the body for but looking at the body.

Me too... really weird. Part of the dissociation.

Teatime wrote:But more likely than not it "protects" you from plenty of emotions you can handle/enjoy as well.

This was something I realized when reading this... somehow, I thought feelings equaled bad feelings. No wonder I couldn't get into contact with them. Better hide them for a while and wait until I'm able to process them properly (as I'm already too overwhelmed). And instead learn to get into contact with happy/good feelings.

Thank you for that thread! I've tried grounding before but it didn't seem to work. I suspect because I tried either grounding or getting out of the numbness, but grounding and numbing (via addiction and maybe music) actually do the same thing in different ways (helping to cope with the feelings). Of the two, grounding is obviously the healthier one.
Grounding doesn't work when I'm numbed, and getting out of the numbness without grounding makes me feel overwhelmed (without actually feeling it...).
So, I tried today to, at the same time, get out of the numbness and to ground. It worked pretty well. Could feel much better. Much more.
(I hope this was clear...)

Another thing I've come to realize is that it's a bit harder to feel when I'm not 'out' / in control. As I'm now far less out, this obviously makes me feel like losing contact with emotions.

I think I'll experiment a bit with grounding techniques (I actually learned them as a young child, because of feeling overwhelmed due to PDD-NOS).

PinkiePie wrote:Maybe the numbing and the host-confusion is a much needed break?

Maybe. I've suspected this. I really have no idea who's out most of the time. It's currently more like, as long as there's 'rough consensus', it's going to happen. (Or otherwise, with small things, whoever is out gets to decide, as long as everyone at least is OK with it).
dissociative-identity/topic105549.html

Nina11 wrote:Comfortin things.

I tried this, but it seems to cause dissociation. Maybe combined with grounding this may help. I think I'll try some day.

Anyway, thank you all and it seems to go better now.

(dunno whether it was entirely written by me, but as long as everyone agrees...)

I don't have any emotions associated with what little memories I can recall... With what I'd consider my "trauma" almost none of it is remembered, by me as an alter at least, and what little I can recall has no emotions associated with it whatsoever.
I'd owe part of this to my present depersonilization and extremely bad memory. Anyway, I'd consider this fairly normal in DID and maybe even PTSD, just another coping mechanism.
-Faith

Ditto and I'm glad about it.

When I do get in touch with feelings to do with bad memories, the emotions seem to spread through the whole system, and they are very overwhelming. I can only manage them a couple of hours at a time and then everything has to shut down again.

-B

I tend to agree with Pinkie Pie - I think it will happen when you are ready.

My T suggests that you have to accept the feelings in order for them to show up. They may be very strong. Is it acceptable for you to feel that way? Why might it not have been? Have those circumstances changed?

Per my own experience, they started to come back once I was in a safer, less stressful environment. Also, once I started to have coping skills for emotion.

Interesting...

Well, for one, I am not somewhere where I feel at ease (dinner is and has, it seems, always been stressful, looking back. For example.)

There are a few feelings that seem to be not-allowed.
** possible triggers **

• SI, or anything related to it (like self-harm), seems to be a forbidden topic. I have never allowed those feelings. Just the thought of actually considering is... I just can't. It feels beyond my reach. It just doesn't compute.
• I have never wanted to have ANYTHING to do with anything even remotely sexual. I have avoided ever being associated with it. The shame. The enormous shame. Not that I ever expected SA. (I still can't really wrap my head around the possibility, though). But always that shame. Maybe it's this that I'm trying to avoid? (Just thinking out-loud here)

michiru7422 wrote:Also, once I started to have coping skills for emotion.

I'm quite interested in this. Do you mean the grounding? Or something different? If it's something different, I'd like to know.