Really in need of some support *trigger warning*

*mentions of self harm*

Today was a horrible day to say the least. I hate having to go places and be social at the best of times especially when it means meeting new people. Me and my partner went to a friends house today for his birthday. There weren't many people there. It was mainly his family but I felt uncomfortable.
The difficult thing is I am transgendered, female to male. I am not on hormones yet but I pass about 90% of the time as male. However some people at this party knew me by my female name and others knew me by my male name and it's always awkward in these situations. I met one guy there who was pretty cool and we had a good laugh because we are both really short and we could relate to each other in that way. He asked me my name and I stumbled. Now I live full time as male but like I said a lot of people there don't know that and I didn't know what name to give so I told him to just call me Hunter. The day got worse though when my friends girlfriend kept rolling her eyes at me every time one of the boys said something embarrassing or stupid. You know the kind of girl who expects other females in the room to relate and all the females are supposed to laugh at the men together? You know what I mean? Well this made me feel crap for two reasons. One because now everyone knew I was female and two because it made me feel like I couldn't be myself, I couldn't be the guy I am because I was being pulled into this female crowd.

I get nervous at the best of times and this confusion I felt and the pain I felt for not having the right body just got to me. I went into panic. Everyone started to play a drinking game that involved cards and surprise surprise something gender related was involved in that. A certain card meant all the girls had to drink and another card meant all the boys. I could hear alters in my head but they sounded distant and blurred. I couldn't make out what they were saying. I tried signalling to my partner several times that I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave and he acknowledge it but he felt like we should stay a bit longer to be polite.

We eventually left and I felt sick. I felt sick from all the panic I was feeling. I felt really unwell and I felt really depressed. It might be a few months before I start hormones and I can't live like this. I felt angry at myself for not being born male which I know is stupid. We got back to my boyfriends house and a load of his family showed up. I couldn't deal with more people. He stayed downstairs with them whilst I went to his room. I was still feeling nervous and I didn't know what to do so I grabbed his flick knife and decided to cut my arm. I don't normally self harm so it was quite a big thing for me. My arm then wouldn't stop bleeding and I panicked more. I pulled my jacket sleeve down but the blood started to come through so I had to shove toilet paper up my sleeve. I could hear alters again but not properly. They just felt out of reach.
I didn't want my partner to see I had hurt myself because he would tell me I was stupid for doing it so I grabbed my over night bag and headed downstairs to tell him I felt unwell and I was off home. He asked if it was okay and I just told him I was fine but felt sick and wanted to go home.

I eventually got home and went straight in the shower to wash off the dried blood on my arm. Getting in the shower is triggering because I have to acknowledge my body. I was still feeling nervous and panicked and ended up puking on myself in the shower. It was kind of gross but I must admit I felt a lot better afterwards.

Now I just feel really numb and exhausted with a massive headache. Darren started talking to me. He asked why I push all my alters away when all they want to do is help me. I just said I can't help it and when I'm nervous or panicked I don't want to have to deal with my alters but he told me that's why they are there. To help me. A song came on my iPod and Darren told me the song very much reminded him of our relationship. The song is A Song to Say Goodbye by Placebo. It's basically about someone who is fed up of trying to help a suicidal friend who keeps pushing them away. Darren told me that's what it's like with me and my alters. They are there to help but I won't accept it and I keep pushing them away.

So it hasn't been a good day. I still feel depressed about myself and I feel like a massive idiot for cutting myself. I wish I had stayed with my boyfriend now but I'm home and I'm safe. I have to deal with more people tomorrow (mothers day) and I'm not sure if I can.
Anyway I just needed to talk about it. Thanks for listening

-Hunter

(P.S if anyone wants to hear that song it's here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52BXJV7tfIY. It could trigger though)

Frank_Darko wrote:*mentions of self harm*

Today was a horrible day to say the least. I hate having to go places and be social at the best of times especially when it means meeting new people. Me and my partner went to a friends house today for his birthday. There weren't many people there. It was mainly his family but I felt uncomfortable.

i'm sorry it was horrible, but it will pass, and tomorrow is a new day, with a new start.

Frank_Darko wrote:The day got worse though when my friends girlfriend kept rolling her eyes at me every time one of the boys said something embarrassing or stupid. You know the kind of girl who expects other females in the room to relate and all the females are supposed to laugh at the men together? You know what I mean? Well this made me feel crap for two reasons. One because now everyone knew I was female and two because it made me feel like I couldn't be myself, I couldn't be the guy I am because I was being pulled into this female crowd.

why care about what she thinks? why care about a girl that's like that, obviously closed-minded and wants the impossible, for every girl to be the same? she can roll her eyes all she wants, what does that matter to you? she's not worth your time, nor effort, nor worry, nor emotional reaction. don't care about her, what she did, what she said, none of it. BE YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT and DON'T CARE about what other people think. don't let others dictate how you act.

Frank_Darko wrote:I get nervous at the best of times and this confusion I felt and the pain I felt for not having the right body just got to me. I went into panic.

when you feel this way, take a break. step outside, remove yourself for a bit, go to the bathroom to be alone, something, anything. take some deep breaths, count to ten, calm yourself down.

Frank_Darko wrote: Everyone started to play a drinking game that involved cards and surprise surprise something gender related was involved in that. A certain card meant all the girls had to drink and another card meant all the boys. I could hear alters in my head but they sounded distant and blurred. I couldn't make out what they were saying. I tried signalling to my partner several times that I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave and he acknowledge it but he felt like we should stay a bit longer to be polite.

go with what gender YOU identify with and DON'T WORRY or CARE about ANYONE ELSE. be yourself, do what you want, go with what you identify with, and if other people don't like it, that's their problem, NOT your's. and screw them anyway. that's their loss, not your's. you don't need people like that to like you and you don't need to care about what they think, do, or say.

Frank_Darko wrote:We eventually left and I felt sick. I felt sick from all the panic I was feeling. I felt really unwell and I felt really depressed. It might be a few months before I start hormones and I can't live like this. I felt angry at myself for not being born male which I know is stupid.

we can't help what we were born as, but we can help what we identify with, and we can help how we express ourselves and be ourselves. don't be mad at yourself.

Frank_Darko wrote: We got back to my boyfriends house and a load of his family showed up. I couldn't deal with more people. He stayed downstairs with them whilst I went to his room. I was still feeling nervous and I didn't know what to do so I grabbed his flick knife and decided to cut my arm.

why? was there a thought process? what did you think this would achieve? were you punishing yourself? (i'm not asking to be mean, i'm asking to provoke thought from you about this. understanding why you did this can help you learn about yourself).

Frank_Darko wrote: I don't normally self harm so it was quite a big thing for me. My arm then wouldn't stop bleeding and I panicked more. I pulled my jacket sleeve down but the blood started to come through so I had to shove toilet paper up my sleeve. I could hear alters again but not properly. They just felt out of reach.

*trigger warning* the twins, l.c. and luna used to self-harm. and kat used to harm the body as punishment when she was kataki. IF this happens again, but i'd rather it not, because you don't need to be hurting yourself and it solves nothing, but IF it does:
-- immediately at least run water over the cut, so go to the bathroom. until you reach the bathroom, put cloth over the cut (like your jacket sleeve) and grip it with your hand to not let the blood drip. after running cold water over it to help stop the blood flow, get toilet paper wet (enough of it to not rip or fall apart) and press it to the cut. use pressure and cold water to help slow the blood flow. then wrap it with whatever you have, toilet paper, cloth, bandaids, and then hide it with your jacket sleeve like you were doing (or any long sleeve).

Frank_Darko wrote:I didn't want my partner to see I had hurt myself because he would tell me I was stupid for doing it

what??? why??? that's not nice, nor supportive, nor kind, nor helpful, nor very good partner-ish! anyone should see that and well they don't have to like it but they shouldn't insult you!! they should ask what made you do it, why you feel that way, and try to help you feel better and help you wrap it and stuff!! even the boyfriends who hated when l.c. or luna or kat/kataki would cut us would do that! and that's what a good, supportive partner should do! not insult you! that's just cold and mean!

i, uh, am sorry... i know that partners can be good and have some rough edges, and i know no one is perfect, and i'm not trying to make you feel worse or bad about your partner. i just highly disagree with what his reaction would be and i think that it's a very inappropriate and immature reaction.

Frank_Darko wrote: so I grabbed my over night bag and headed downstairs to tell him I felt unwell and I was off home. He asked if it was okay and I just told him I was fine but felt sick and wanted to go home.

good for you for removing yourself from the situation.

Frank_Darko wrote:I eventually got home and went straight in the shower to wash off the dried blood on my arm. Getting in the shower is triggering because I have to acknowledge my body. I was still feeling nervous and panicked and ended up puking on myself in the shower. It was kind of gross but I must admit I felt a lot better afterwards.

wow... did not expect reading that to be triggering to me (not your fault)... um... anyway....
try to work on getting more used to your body even though you don't want to be female. because it's not worth it to keep it hard on yourself, and it'd help to work on making it easier on yourself, and besides, you should love yourself as you are even if you don't identify with being female. just because you want to change doesn't mean you have to hate yourself. you can't control what you're born as, no one can, so there's no logical reason to hate yourself, nor your body. you should work on accepting what you couldn't control, accepting how things are, accepting that you identify with something different, and then accepting that you can love yourself while at the same time acknowledge that you don't identify with what you were born as.

Frank_Darko wrote:Now I just feel really numb and exhausted with a massive headache.

that's normal after something like this. l.c. and luna would feel this way too, not always with the headache, and we would feel this way after kataki punished us... it'll pass. try to get some rest and take it easy the rest of the day/night.

Frank_Darko wrote: Darren started talking to me. He asked why I push all my alters away when all they want to do is help me. I just said I can't help it and when I'm nervous or panicked I don't want to have to deal with my alters but he told me that's why they are there. To help me.

that's very true. but i know that sometimes those who are out, when they are in panic, can't help it. we get unintentionally blocked out during panic and trigger times sometimes as well. but it can get better over time and it can be worked on. try to recognize when the alters are trying to come up front or out and try to imagine letting them in, or work on stuff like deep breathing where it can help calm you enough for those few seconds to let alters help you.

Frank_Darko wrote: A song came on my iPod and Darren told me the song very much reminded him of our relationship. The song is A Song to Say Goodbye by Placebo. It's basically about someone who is fed up of trying to help a suicidal friend who keeps pushing them away. Darren told me that's what it's like with me and my alters. They are there to help but I won't accept it and I keep pushing them away.

sounds like a good song. (in the sense that people can identify with it). it can be hard to work on accepting help from alters and letting them in "during the moment" and stuff. so don't be too hard on yourself- this is stuff that need work, and it won't necessarily change overnight. we still get blocked out sometimes. nothing's perfect, but it can get better.

Frank_Darko wrote:So it hasn't been a good day. I still feel depressed about myself and I feel like a massive idiot for cutting myself.

why are you depressed about yourself? there's nothing wrong with you! try to maybe make a list of positive things about yourself. i'll start- you're intelligent, you're kind, you're thoughtful, you're strong, AND despite being female, you can pull off looking like a male! how lucky you are! we can't pull off looking like a male to save our life and it can really bug l.c., damone, and dallas sometimes. i mean we can come close, but our face and everything is obviously feminine, so the closest we come is like, attempting to be a butch lesbian or something.

don't feel like an idiot for cutting. you were obviously in enough pain to look for that type of outlet, and that's nothing to feel stupid over. that's something to recognize, acknowledge, and comfort yourself about. *safe hugs if wanted*

Frank_Darko wrote: I wish I had stayed with my boyfriend now but I'm home and I'm safe. I have to deal with more people tomorrow (mothers day) and I'm not sure if I can.
Anyway I just needed to talk about it. Thanks for listening

-Hunter

(P.S if anyone wants to hear that song it's here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52BXJV7tfIY. It could trigger though)

to- tomorrow is- is mother's day...? i- ....

*ahem* i'm sorry... anyway... try to take it easy the rest of tonight, do some self-care and comfort yourself and do things that help you relax and feel better and stay calm. try to also maybe do some...some preparatin for, um, for tomorrow. like maybe work out a safety plan with your alters, maybe they can help you remember to calm down enough for you to let them help you or something, i know sometimes we have to help others by pushing against/breaking down the barriers they can unintentionally put up, but that doesn't always work, so now we've been trying to call out to whoever's out and remind them to take a deep breath, or count to ten, or relax, just for a second, just long enough to let us help them. try to maybe go over grounding techniques and calming techniques you can use to help, um, get through the uh, day as well. and try to not stress about it. tomorrow's a new day, clean slate, new start, new dawn, all that. try to leave today behind when tomorrow comes and get some rest to be able to better tackle tomorrow.

and thanks for the link.


i hope you feel better soon.


- cassie (age ?)

Thanks very much for your reply. I'm feeling a little better now. I've had something to eat as I threw up most of what I've had to today and now my headache has gone. I'm not normally ill from nerves but I dunno, today just seemed to get to me. I haven't felt this uneasy in a long time.

tomboy24 wrote:why care about what she thinks? why care about a girl that's like that, obviously closed-minded and wants the impossible, for every girl to be the same? she can roll her eyes all she wants, what does that matter to you? she's not worth your time, nor effort, nor worry, nor emotional reaction. don't care about her, what she did, what she said, none of it. BE YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT and DON'T CARE about what other people think. don't let others dictate how you act.

I know I shouldn't care but I can't help it. The majority of the time I'm rather cold and emotionless and tend to approach things from a logical point of view rather than an emotional one so I should be able to ignore this type of stuff but I just can't. I guess it's because it's a constant reminder that I'm not what I think I am and that others don't see me like they should and that gets very exhausting when almost everyone does it. I don't mind being open with people and telling them this is who I am now but in a party setting it's not something you can easily bring up and so I just had to go along with it but after going along with it my whole life I'm fed up and it upsets me.

tomboy24 wrote:why? was there a thought process? what did you think this would achieve? were you punishing yourself? (i'm not asking to be mean, i'm asking to provoke thought from you about this. understanding why you did this can help you learn about yourself)

It wasn't as a way of punishing myself. I guess it just felt like something I should do. It was spur of the moment. I guess because everything felt so out of control and I needed something, anything, to make me feel like I was in control. All the negativity I was feeling was imposed on me by others so I needed to impose something on myself to feel like I was taking control back. Only afterwards I realised I didn't feel more in control at all. If anything I felt like I had less control.

tomboy24 wrote:what??? why??? that's not nice, nor supportive, nor kind, nor helpful, nor very good partner-ish! anyone should see that and well they don't have to like it but they shouldn't insult you!! they should ask what made you do it, why you feel that way, and try to help you feel better and help you wrap it and stuff!! even the boyfriends who hated when l.c. or luna or kat/kataki would cut us would do that! and that's what a good, supportive partner should do! not insult you! that's just cold and mean!

i, uh, am sorry... i know that partners can be good and have some rough edges, and i know no one is perfect, and i'm not trying to make you feel worse or bad about your partner. i just highly disagree with what his reaction would be and i think that it's a very inappropriate and immature reaction.

He doesn't really understand self harm. To be honest sometimes I struggle with understanding why someone would self harm but I know they must have a valid reason and I don't judge. He, however, either thinks it's attention seeking or just plain stupid. I don't think he would have insulted me had I shown him. I think he would have been supportive if he had actually seen it but I knew it would lead to questions that I didn't want to answer and with his family downstairs I guess I didn't want the drama.

I am feeling more like myself now. I guess what made it worse is they are delaying putting me on hormones and it's got me really stressed out because they haven't been clear and worse case scenario I might have to wait a whole year and I just can't. I can't do another year or feeling like i'm in between genders. That's very confusing as it is, made worse by having different people in my head. I guess that's why I push away alters as well. Because I'm sick of feeling confused over myself. I know who I am but their feelings influence me as well and so I become this mash up of different people. I will try to work things out with them though.

Frank_Darko wrote:Thanks very much for your reply.

you're welcome!

Frank_Darko wrote:I know I shouldn't care but I can't help it. The majority of the time I'm rather cold and emotionless and tend to approach things from a logical point of view rather than an emotional one so I should be able to ignore this type of stuff but I just can't. I guess it's because it's a constant reminder that I'm not what I think I am and that others don't see me like they should and that gets very exhausting when almost everyone does it. I don't mind being open with people and telling them this is who I am now but in a party setting it's not something you can easily bring up and so I just had to go along with it but after going along with it my whole life I'm fed up and it upsets me.

work on ignoring people, then. work on only caring and focusing about being yourself and not caring about what others think, do, or say. tell yourself that they're not worth your time, effort, emotional responses, etc., because they're not. your only care should be being yourself. that's it.

it sounds like you need to work on accepting yourself as you are more. you cannot help what you were born as. try to work on accepting the fact that you were born female, accepting the fact that you have no control over what you were born as, accepting the fact that you identify as a male, and accepting the fact that you can still love and like and accept yourself as you are, as a female, while at the same time not identifying as a female. just because you don't identify with being a female doesn't mean you have to hate yourself.

Frank_Darko wrote:It wasn't as a way of punishing myself. I guess it just felt like something I should do. It was spur of the moment. I guess because everything felt so out of control and I needed something, anything, to make me feel like I was in control. All the negativity I was feeling was imposed on me by others so I needed to impose something on myself to feel like I was taking control back. Only afterwards I realised I didn't feel more in control at all. If anything I felt like I had less control.

that makes sense. thank you for explaining that. i know that a few of us can definitely relate and understand.

Frank_Darko wrote:He doesn't really understand self harm. To be honest sometimes I struggle with understanding why someone would self harm but I know they must have a valid reason and I don't judge. He, however, either thinks it's attention seeking or just plain stupid. I don't think he would have insulted me had I shown him. I think he would have been supportive if he had actually seen it but I knew it would lead to questions that I didn't want to answer and with his family downstairs I guess I didn't want the drama.

lots of people don't understand self harm.... just like lots of people don't understand DID.... or don't understand homosexuality.... there's lots of things that people don't understand, but if you don't understand something, that's no reason to insult it, or look down upon it, or judge. in fact, that's all the reason in the world for people to have no right to judge. because how can you truly judge something you don't understand? (i know you said you don't judge, i'm just stating this in general).

Frank_Darko wrote:I am feeling more like myself now. I guess what made it worse is they are delaying putting me on hormones and it's got me really stressed out because they haven't been clear and worse case scenario I might have to wait a whole year and I just can't. I can't do another year or feeling like i'm in between genders. That's very confusing as it is, made worse by having different people in my head. I guess that's why I push away alters as well. Because I'm sick of feeling confused over myself. I know who I am but their feelings influence me as well and so I become this mash up of different people. I will try to work things out with them though.

that's good, i'm glad you're feeling better.

no offense, but if someone feels like they need hormones (not like, need, but need too badly, if that makes sense...), i'm not sure i would give them to them... it's not healthy. you have to work on accepting yourself the way you are first, having a healthy mindset about who you are now and who you were born as, and even if you don't identify with your gender, working on liking yourself the way you are now and accepting that just because you don't identify with your gender doesn't mean there's anything to hate about yourself.

being sick of feeling confused won't make it go away, or help it get any better, or anything like that. you have to learn how to cope with the confusion, how to cope with the different alters and feelings, and how to cope with the DID and the gender identity.


"try to work on getting more used to your body even though you don't want to be female. because it's not worth it to keep it hard on yourself, and it'd help to work on making it easier on yourself, and besides, you should love yourself as you are even if you don't identify with being female. just because you want to change doesn't mean you have to hate yourself. you can't control what you're born as, no one can, so there's no logical reason to hate yourself, nor your body. you should work on accepting what you couldn't control, accepting how things are, accepting that you identify with something different, and then accepting that you can love yourself while at the same time acknowledge that you don't identify with what you were born as."



"why are you depressed about yourself? there's nothing wrong with you! try to maybe make a list of positive things about yourself. i'll start- you're intelligent, you're kind, you're thoughtful, you're strong, AND despite being female, you can pull off looking like a male! how lucky you are! we can't pull off looking like a male to save our life and it can really bug l.c., damone, and dallas sometimes. i mean we can come close, but our face and everything is obviously feminine, so the closest we come is like, attempting to be a butch lesbian or something."



however, i do hope that you are able to start hormones sooner than a year, and i hope you continue to feel better soon.


- cassie (age ?)

I do accept myself for the most part, I guess it's just when there are constant reminders that I start to feel doubtful. It's taken me a long time to accept myself but I've legally changed my name, I use male restrooms, bind my chest (which hurts like hell but at least I pass as male). I've lived full time as male for a while and I couldn't be more happier in that role. I just feel like going on hormones is gonna make me feel more like who I am, I'll look more like how I should and then I think people around me will start to realise "Oh I really can't call her "enter my female name" anymore".
The delay is to do with some issues with a referral and various other things. I've have been diagnosed as having gender dysphoria and several psychiatrists have said that transitioning is right for me. I'm so ready for this and like I said I really do accept myself but right now I feel very isolated when others don't quite get it. My partner is very supportive although he has had issues with it, after all I've been his girlfriend for 5 years, but now he's really happy for me and he's encouraging me.
I'm just highly stressed about everything and that always causes me to feel bad about myself. The fact I was meant to be starting hormones fairly soon and then this big delay has come, that has really affected me emotionally.

Frank_Darko wrote:I do accept myself for the most part, I guess it's just when there are constant reminders that I start to feel doubtful. It's taken me a long time to accept myself but I've legally changed my name, I use male restrooms, bind my chest (which hurts like hell but at least I pass as male). I've lived full time as male for a while and I couldn't be more happier in that role. I just feel like going on hormones is gonna make me feel more like who I am, I'll look more like how I should and then I think people around me will start to realise "Oh I really can't call her "enter my female name" anymore".

try to work on that, then. try to work on ignoring constant reminders, or letting them slide off your shoulder like nothing, or being ok enough with yourself and what you identify with so that it doesn't shake/bother you, or stuff like that.

i can understand that.

kyra was so insisting to be called "kyra" and not "cassandra" or any variation thereof that she refused to respond at all to any name except for kyra. could you perhaps do something similar, and politely let people know at first that you don't identify with that name and are choosing to not respond to it anymore or something?

Frank_Darko wrote:The delay is to do with some issues with a referral and various other things. I've have been diagnosed as having gender dysphoria and several psychiatrists have said that transitioning is right for me. I'm so ready for this and like I said I really do accept myself but right now I feel very isolated when others don't quite get it. My partner is very supportive although he has had issues with it, after all I've been his girlfriend for 5 years, but now he's really happy for me and he's encouraging me.

that's good.

Frank_Darko wrote:I'm just highly stressed about everything and that always causes me to feel bad about myself. The fact I was meant to be starting hormones fairly soon and then this big delay has come, that has really affected me emotionally.

but this is something that can happen, and that you should try to not let it get to you, because it's for the most part, out of your control it seems. it's important to not rely on anything too much, including expecting a change within a certain time frame. life often doesn't happen as you want it to, and things often don't happen when you want them to. it's important to learn how to cope with such situation, to learn how to accept them, and to learn how to not let them affect you too much. being upset won't help anything, it won't speed up the process of getting hormones, it won't help how you feel, and it won't help the situation at all. try to learn how to be at peace with things, and let them happen as they happen. try to learn how to "roll with the punches", basically. it can be hard, and it's not always easy, but it's better to realize that sometimes, things happen when they will happen, and we have no say or control over that. try to accept and come to peace with either outcome- the hormones happening on schedule, or the hormones being delayed. because no matter what, in the end, the change will happen, and you will get hormones. so try to not upset yourself over the "when's" because that's rarely in people's control when it comes to life.

l.c. and luna almost always say, "if it's meant to be, it'll happen, and it'll happen when it's meant to happen", and that helps them to accept the changes life can throw at them better. eventually you will get hormones and you will be able to change, but it just might not happen exactly when you want it to. and that's just a part of life. things don't always happen when we want them to, and we have to learn how to cope with that and accept it.


- cassie (age ?)

Thanks once again. I really appreciate having someone to talk to about it. I feel a lot better now. In fact I kind of don't know why I had a such a strong reaction in the first place. Just a build up of negative emotions. I never know how to really deal with them so they tend to spill forth in quite a dramatic, its-the-end-of-the-world type way.

you're welcome! i'm glad you're feeling better.

yeah we know that all too well. a lot of us have the same problem. everything just builds up until finally something is the last straw and then it all compiles and makes it worse than it really should be. so we can definitely relate and understand how that is and stuff. it's hard to learn how to healthily express and let out emotions and cope with them and work through them and stuff. we also have the problem of overreacting, (especially alters like shay) over things that for us, for some reason, either due to ocd or not understanding something or triggers or something, seem like the end of the world when they're really not.


- cassie (age ?)

I m glad to read you re feelin a tad better now, and that you had such a good talk durin the things you were goin through.

Best o f luck!

Nina 11