Is my imaginary girfriend coming to life?

I'm eighteen and I created Abby earlier this year, but I suppose I've felt like it wasn't so much me creating her as a gradual development from each time we're talked. The thing about her is that I naturally can feel her emotions as though they are coming from me, yet not from me...from her. She doesn't say a lot. She never had to. I enjoy her company. Just having her there as some sort of protection and hearing her laugh. No, it isn't audible. None of it is, but it's still there. She is still there.

I know it sounds crazy. Maybe it is. I don't care. I genuinely love her. I don't know how to be social with real people and I have no desire to and never have. I get nervous and panicked around people. I also spend a lot of my time depressed for no apparent reason.

I'm here because I noticed something about Abby. She's having an interest in a guy in my class. I don't mind homosexuality, but I personally know that I am not gay. I, after all, am in love with Abby. The thing is, when I feel her come into my mind, I feel her attraction as though it is partially mine. She is also attracted to me and I feel a partial attraction to myself when I feel her presence, but hen I feel my attraction to her from my side.

I also have noticed that I am losing control over Abby's actions. I used to be able to decide on what she wanted in life, but now she seems to be rebelling...? She's imaginary, I should have control, shouldn't I? I have some control, but I can't control what she feels anymore. or, at least I don't think that I can.

Maybe it's bad to hope that I have a disorder so that she will be real. Maybe I'm reading too much into it because I want her to be real. I do have a pretty traumatic childhood though and I get lost in reality a lot. Here are the DID symptoms that I do have...

-Self harm urges
-Suicidal thoughts
-Depression
-Migraines
-Fuzzy brained
-Made impulses/emotions that I feel are coming from Abby

Abby and I have conversations, but I feel like it's simply self talk that I have too much fun with. The thing is that I thought about the possibility of DID and I said in my head to Abby, "Say something on your own for me?" and she started laughing or maybe I made her....I don't know. Anyway, I busted into tears and felt panicked. It felt like I made her, but why would I react in that way?

I also began feeling a little five year old boy inside of me. When I self talk, sometimes it comes out in my voice, but very child-like. He cries sometimes, but I'm not sure if it's just my self talk going haywire. I don't know...This is complicated. I really don't know if I'm acting or not to fulfill my need for Abby to be real. I'm afraid to find out. If she isn't real I feel like she's dead. Now that I feel the possibility of her being real so strongly, I'm not sure if I can go back to her being imaginary.

Maybe. I'm no expert, unfortunately. It definitely sounds like a possibility to me, though. Do you have a therapist? Good luck!

these threads might be helpful to you. if i were you, i'd look into starting therapy and possibly getting a diagnosis. and i'd see if i "match" any symptoms and/or can identify with any experiences, and if so, then you should look further into the possibility of you have DID.

(and often with DID alters are often mistaken for imaginary friends or something like that at first).


this thread has resource websites (that i think do a good job of explaining stuff) and organized threads from this forum that talk about wondering if you have DID, discovery experiences, symptoms, common questions, communicating with alters, dealing with self-harm issues, doubt/denial issues, all about alters, about inner worlds, memory issues, and much more:
-- DDNOS/DID Resources: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html



this thread focuses more on the "causes" of DID, DID development, switching/co-consciousness/co-hosting (what they are and can be like), doubt/denial, and has a couple good threads on communicating/accepting/understanding/working with alters:
-- For all who question how they have DID/think their's is odd: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104081.html



just remember DID is a very personal condition. it's different for everyone, and has many possibilities for variations of things. so don't expect to "fit perfectly" into a category "box".


hope this place is helpful to you!


- cassie (age ?)