*Update* To anyone who cares.

*Trigger Warning, discusses death, grief, something some littles might consider "scary", etc.*
I have something to tell you all.
I really wouldn't call it good, unless you call the fact that I know why I am the way I am and that on it's own is making me really upset a good thing.
Anyway, I was thinking about why I am the way I am (in terms of my persona and destructive nature) and I had about three flashbacks Monday.
The first one: I assume this was when I was first Created, but I honestly have no idea. I was huddled in the Darkness, looked around for a few seconds in confusion, and then started to cry.
The second one: This guy (I couldn't see his face) had this other guy (I think by the arms or something) and then the guy who was holding him stabbed the other guy through the chest with a sword and I started sobbing and then went "he...he...he..."
The third one: Pretty much wasn't really a flashback. I just suddenly remembered, everything I guess. After I was Created (I don't know how long it took) the guy who got killed (Alexander) took me in and treated me as his own. He taught me how to live, how to survive, how to walk slowly, how to throw a knife... all of that. At the same time I appreciate it, but if I hadn't met him...
Ok, let me explain. The other guys' name (Actually I gave him a nickname) is Magic because he magically ruined my life in the course of three seconds.)
If I hadn't cared about Alexander then...
dammitihavetoexplainthistoo...
Magic said that he needs me for something, he said he he killed Alexander to "make me stronger" and Rachelinn got sort of angry and said that what happened to me didn't make me stronger, but Magic kept on insisting that it did.
I just don't know what to think about anything anymore.
Do I not deserve a life because Alexander didn't get one, didn't get the opportunity to live... Shouldn't I not love, care, about anyting because either I'll kill it, break it on accident or Magic will do it for me?
*sigh* What's a reason for living?
-Shadow

*More to come later. As of now, we're really sort of *crunched for time* in terms of how long we can type...*
Faith

We are sorry that you are experiencing so much distress and having so many flashbacks...

If you know now, though, that generally means that someone thought you were ready to know - they thought you are strong enough for it. If it's too much, it'll leave again (at least partially), and it's no shame if that's the case. Bad stuff, man.

We read something that say something like: life is all the more precious because it is so fleeting. Also, 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

What I think we're trying to say is that, we don't think that you are causing the destruction of things/people you love (and certainly not deliberately). But we think it is worth it to care because going through life not caring, we've done that, and we find that it makes everything pointless. Feeling and caring can hurt when it ends, but while the thing is there, it's great, you know? And not caring when someone else cares, we find that even harder (and more awkward).

You definitely deserve a life. You have one; that means you deserve it.

As far as a reason to live goes, you have to find that yourself, we think. But we don't think that not having a reason to live means that dying is the answer. It means you gotta find a reason. There isn't an absolute reason; you make the meaning yourself.

When we were in that place, the first thing we knew was that we didn't want to hurt others. All the people we knew, how would they react? One thing that we did that really showed us about this was talking about what was going on to someone we knew cared about us. And how would it affect all the people who would end up getting involved if we died? What if things went wrong, and we ended up alive or severely injured? So we decided that we couldn't. But at that point, you're still in a pretty awful place right - well, living sucks, but we can't die either.

We thought about all the things people do in their lives that we wouldn't be able to do if we were dead. What were things we wanted to do first? And that kept us okay while we figured out how to make things better. And we read about all these people who couldn't imagine doing a thing like that. We couldn't imagine being like that, but we could imagine making changes to get to such a point. Do you believe that, even if it's not worth it now, life could be worth it someday?

As far as changes we made, we decided what we wanted (read here, the meaning we were making out of our life). We wanted to help others. And hey, while we're at it (because we can do these things together at the same time), we wanted to be happy and be connected with others (and, y'know, care). And if we weren't doing those things, it was time to see about changing things to MAKE them happen.

I hope that helped...

Life for all of us here hasn't been easy. But any one who says life isn't a bed of roses has forgotten that roses have thorns.
Yes they have thorns, but think of this. They are beautiful and delicate, and there are many, many types.
I'm not sure if this helps at all, but I hope you find something to do with it...
~Sieya~

*Trigger Warning: Contains denial and mentions of "coming out."
I f##king give up.
There never was a "us", there never will be a "us" and everything "we've" ever said or done was f##king fake.
"I" f##king put "us" in danger and it's all "my" f##king fault. I wanted to tell one of her friends about"us", and I did, but a bunch of other people heard and now the whole school probably knows.
"I" don't know if "we" should just blow it off and say it never happened, or what. I mean, "we" fronted like, 10 times today.
And then the teacher heard about, and she told Faith that if anyone makes fun of her that she's going to tell the mom about what happened.
There's already this kid who makes a cross over heart every time he sees us.
*sigh* What to do? And denial is knocking at the door again...
-Shadow

The whole school knows? I admire your courage! People acting weird around you for a while is the main downside of coming out in a big way. The upside is that you only have to come out like that once. Then it is done. There likely will be more coming out experiences in your future, but they won't ever be as scary as this one was.

I know because I have been there, done that. I outed myself at work, and someone there got scared and filed a letter of concern with senior management, so I had interviews and a formal evaluation. Now I feel much more safe and secure. Now that I am out, no one can control me by threatening to out me, and I don't have anxiety about what might happen.

Honestly the only thing is, I don't know what to do? Should I just say we were faking, (after all, Multiple Personality Day is today. *rolls eyes* or should I just continue to be out? Honestly the teacher thought we were faking, and if she finds out someone was making fun of us, then she'll just tell the mom, and then we'll have a conversation about how DID isn't real, and then I'll probably come out and cuss her out
(Faith?! Why are you cussing me out! *raises broom*
It's not Faith.
That's a lie! You're just a f##king demon!")
So you see how that would go...

I know the feeling. Steve tried to talk to my Aunt a few weeks ago (who I was really close too) and she said he didn't belong there and that I needed to kick him the F*ck out. She said I have spiritual problems.... So yeah. My father took me to get me exorcised of my demons when I was like....six. So yeah. I know that sucks. I just don't say anything to anyone about it unless they notice I'm "Off" and ask why, then I just tell them I'm just not quite myself, or I feel weird...

I don't see a reason to care about anything. Concerned about anything, care about anything. I just don't. I mean, logically speaking, anything I care about will get hurt anyway, so what does it matter?
I've hurt them so many times already... Just... dammit.
I care about them. Don't want to. Just distance myself to avoid causing them anymore pain...
"They" call us demons and say we need to get exorcised. Only a handful, but Ivory cries. She'll come out, but she almost always refuses to talk to anyone unless it's a select few who know and except us.
It hurts... Words hurt
so much.
"They" don't think they're hurting... killing slowly. Just die a pleasant death, won't you demons? We can't even do that.
Rachelinn said once that the only thing that's saved us from Shadow committing suicide is the fact that she can't decide on a death method, which is true.
Something Shadow said once:
"They're forcing us to dance, and we're in a corner. Ran out of dances to dance, ran out of room, almost out of energy. I'm almost done trying to satisfy everyone. They'd be perfectly fine if we just dropped dead from exhaustion."
Words hurt. Words cause me pain. Don't know if it's emotionally manifested physically, but it doesn't matter. It's still pain.
I feel what they feel and what Faith refuses herself to no longer feel-the pain of words like a stab in the chest.
It's there for a second, but then it all gets numbed down and disappears.
We found out about a new alter we might have. We've named him pin... or is that his name? We saw him spying on us when we were having a meeting.
I chased him down and Cross went after me, but then he went behind the Guards {North} hallway-we thought it was unused and didn't bother to check- and a gate closed down.
pin looks to be pretty young, about five, chin length brown hair.
Very rough system map (just names)
Cross, Ivory, Faith, Shadow, Cari, *magic* (jesus-factor), Scarlett (ruby), elf (Forest), Alexander [presumed dead], Dallan, Rachelinn, Hex, Vance, Night-Shade, Merlick, pin

Ok,anything else? No?
Bye, then.
-Ivory

Ivory: I understand your pain exactly. The same thing is said to me. They don't realized that it hurts. I think they think it them trying to help...
Why would calling us a demon help?
It doesn't, but I think "I'll" come to understand and thank them eventually.
For killing us?
They aren't though. They're helping. That's what they believe. It's the heart that counts.
Not when a heart is corrupt and harmful.
What would you even do? You can't hurt people just because they hurt your feelings.
What If We die?
We won't.
Why?
Because. We have others to protect.
Oh...

Um... That was....Weird... So yeah... I was just going to say you aren't alone in your pain, and If you want to, you guys can PM me, and I'd be happy to talk to you.

i couldn't read everything, and i don't really understand what's going on, so i'm sorry, but you all deserve to live and be happy, and you don't deserve to hide, and this isn't fake or a lie this is all very real even though it doesn't seem like it at times, and you should all be loved and cared for and understood and accepted just the way you are, and i like all of you and am glad you're here, and you have people here for you that care about all of you and know you're not faking or lying, (because if you were lying or faking you wouldn't have symptoms and things wouldn't happen outside of your control and you wouldn't have any doubt/denial and you wouldn't go through stuff like this), and i hope that some day soon you can reach a point where things are more calm for all of you and that you can all feel more comfortable about being yourselves and that you all feel better soon. *safe hugs if wanted*

- cassie (age ?)