Did I fall in love with an alter?

HI all,

I found myself in a relationship with a married man who says his wife is abusive. Its been over a year and there have been so many ups and downs. I recently learned he has DID. Did I fall in love with an alter? Is this terrible for him to be in a relationship with me? I mean moreso than than a person without DID? Am I contributing to splitting? I am so confused. I don't want to hurt him. He says with me he is the person he wants to be. Does that mean this is an alter and not his true self?

Is the man you know an alter? Yes. Is he the host, the alter who is out most of the time? Maybe. Is your relationship with him worse for him because of his DID than it would be otherwise? I have no idea, but probably not.

candidly wrote:He says with me he is the person he wants to be. Does that mean this is an alter and not his true self?

This is the kind of thing that "normal" affair partners generally tell one another, so by itself it does not mean he is an alter. In any case, in someone with DID generally all the parts of self are true. As a group we seem to have less trouble with false selves. However, we are fragmented and often one part does not know what another part does.

How did you learn he has DID? Did he tell you so himself?

He did not tell me. It has been an incredible roller coaster. I used to say "you are like being with 2 different people". One was connected and warm and thoughtful... the other kind of distant and cold. When I would confront him initially, he would say... "i don't know.. it's just harder". Over time, I expereinced him to be a chronic liar-- lying about insignificant things- things one wouldn't lie about. When I would confront him, he would desperately look at me saying "I am telling you the truth I don't remember". Fast forward to two weeks ago. I met a little boy who was abused, a tough guy who says he doesn't feel, and the guy I fell in love with. In a matter of 20 minutes. The little one said "when you are yelling you are yelling at all of us! we are one!". The tough guy said "listen, I don't like being this guy... who would like this guy... I don't like being him often, but I'm here for you. I will tell you every single one of us loves you. And if it werent for me... that guy that you know? he wouldn't be here right now. And when I say he wouldn't be here, I mean he would be dead." Then, I expreienced the guy I fell in love with and he just kept saying, "I love you... I really love you." And then it was over.

He says he can't live at home and be the same person he is with me because he will get emotionally killed. And since he lives at home and sees me almost never, he can't fight anymore.

I feel so bad because he really came off like a chronic liar or someone who wants his cake and to eat it too. But in reality, he's really having a hard time. I just don't want to contribuite to making him worse. And for my own sake... I want to know if only a small part of him fell in love with me. So confusing. And I know it sounds bad with us both being married. More than anything we just loved each other.

Ah yes. Yours is such a typical story. You wouldn't know that, but it is so typical that when I read what the tough guy said about "being this guy" I laughed out loud. That is exactly the kind of thing my own inner tough guy, Alter 2, would say. The one you fell in love with probably is mostly unaware of his multiplicity but some of his alters are aware. And he is not in therapy. Therapy with a competent therapist really, really helps.

The tough guy said I will tell you every single one of us loves you. That is an amazing thing for a protector alter to say. Believe it. That is why they have been revealing themselves to you.

Many of us are internally conflicted about our attachments to others. I have one insider in love with a man other than my husband, and other insiders in conflict with her over this other man. Fortunately for all parts of my system, my husband is very secure and accepting and we can be ourselves with him. In fact, my insiders were so comfortable with my husband and how I as host was living our life that they were content to stay hidden and leave me mostly unaware, until we met this other man.

It sounds like your fellow's system may be heading into a classic DID crisis. A DID crisis looks like "getting worse" but is the single most important step toward healing.

My heart hurts for everyone involved in your situation, including your spouses and any children. I know so well the high anxiety, confusion, and outright fear that your fellow is likely to be feeling right now. And if he is at all typical, his main coping strategies are avoid and deny and rugsweep and ultimately dissociate. And perhaps drink too much or attempt other methods of medicating his emotional pain away.

Candidly asked me some questions in a PM, that I will answer here. I hope that's okay. Posterity and all...

No, you did not cause him to split. You did not break him. His little boy and tough guy have been parts of him for many decades.

In many systems all parts who come out regularly have some idea of what the cover story is. They all can answer to the same name and give the same age. But often they have to think about it a while. I have that problem sometimes myself. "Hi. What's your name?" "Um... Una" (only in the moment it sure doesn't feel like my name). Think about all those pointless "lies" he told; you may be able to sort out who is who. Alcohol does a good job of masking dissociative amnesia, by the way. Many alcoholic men with DID are not diagnosed until after they get sober.

It sounds like when he was in the bar different parts were texting you "behind his back". One part was in front and coming on to some woman there while one or more other parts were managing to text you about "his" behavior and telling you they were trying to sabotage his interaction with the woman. I doubt he has much success as a "pick up artist" with that going on.

In my case, my system was merely quiet and content. We certainly were not united in any real sense. Now we have far more mutual understanding and cooperation than we ever did before, even while our significant differences are now out in the open.

Real lasting trust grows in the experience of conflict, not in its absence. Do not worry that you have broken the relationship. In conflict his parts revealed themselves to you; that is a sign you have gained their trust. My experience has been that multiples are extremely sensitive yet also forgiving. Our love lives are almost always complicated. You won't know who is out front in his marriage unless and until you have extensive direct experience of him with his wife or he becomes so co-conscious that his parts can communicate openly about all aspects of his life.

Not all DID systems have a main host, and in any case the host is not the "real" person. All parts are just that, parts.

This is a lot to take in. Let it sink in a while.

From our DID Forum archive, here is another story of a singleton in love with a multiple:

DID Forum participant MistressEggplant is a woman whose female best friend has DID. In 2010 the friend experienced a long term change of host, and the new host was a man. He and MistressEggplant fell in love. Then with therapy the previous female host returned. As usual when multiplicity is involved, a complicated tangle of love relationships ensued.

September 2010 Just wanted to introduce myself
November 2010 In love with an "Alter"
December 2011 Question for Alters and Cores

Thank you Una,

I have read all the entries you suggested and they were very helpful. I did take time to let it sink all in and I feel like I'm in a pretty good place. What was significant to me was the idea that I may be in a relationship with someone whose alters are aware he is a multiple rather than the part of him that I initially connected to.

Last night he was texting me and he started to be rather upfront sexually. I asked him who "was in front" and he said "the feeler the guy who loves you". And I responded.. "all of you love me, I want to know all of you and the feeler wouldn't ask for..." He immediately responded "I have to go good night". And I said "whats wrong" and he said "just tired...eyes fluttering like a heart beat". So I said "ok goodnight."

Sooooo confused. Any insight?

candidly wrote:What was significant to me was the idea that I may be in a relationship with someone whose alters are aware he is a multiple rather than the part of him that I initially connected to.

Yes, usually some of the insiders know far more about the multiplicity than the host does. You are in a relationship now with all those parts of him who choose to participate. There may be others who are holding back, sleeping or lurking. They have not interacted with you directly so you don't know them at all (you don't even know they exist) and some of them are very aware that you do not know them. Some of them may fear that you would not like them; often that is why they are lurking.

candidly wrote:Last night he was texting me and he started to be rather upfront sexually. I asked him who "was in front" and he said "the feeler the guy who loves you".

Sweet. And for a multiple who is still in the closet with you that is quite a bold reply!

candidly wrote:And I responded.. "all of you love me, I want to know all of you and the feeler wouldn't ask for..." He immediately responded "I have to go good night". And I said "whats wrong" and he said "just tired...eyes fluttering like a heart beat".

I would say there you moved a little too close too fast and some part or parts of him panicked. They'll get over it, calm down, and be back. In future watch for fluttering eyelids; that may be one of his signs of switching.

There is a popular novel about discovering someone is a multiple. The representation of multiplicity is very accurate. See our DID Forum thread Set This House In Order.

Thank you Una+

Im feeling somewhat lost. He seems to know and acknowledge different parts to him but he hasn't asked me a single question about the experience or experiences that now continue to happen. I imagine you are going to understand this and I would be eternally grateful if you could shed some light, as you often do to many posters.

There is a part of him that is highly aggressively sexual. That part reaches out to me as well as other women..as I mentioned. Last night I had some text contact with that part but it seemed as if he was quickly changing between the part "I knew" and this other aggressive part.

This morning, he apologized for being somewhat forceful in sexual language and last night he texted "I am cussing...I never cuss..." I was thinking, "come on! you have to know whats going on."

I feel so lost and confused. This part of him makes me highly uncomfortable. I am trying very hard to have compassion and to remember that I need to respond to him (the part I know) in a consistent manner when he contacts me despite receiving contact from another part that I would love to address.

I am afraid of addressing the issue because I don't want to shame him in any way. Yet, I don't have a relationship with this sexually aggressive part in my mind. How can I take care of myself but also show love and compassion.

Also, is it common for someone to "know" on various levels of thier multiplicity yet deny it or act with me like these events arent happening? Thank you for the book referral. I plan on pursuing that information asap.