I need help!

I'll make this short.

I'm deeply in love with a woman who was molested as a very young girl. As a result, after coming of age she's begun to develop "Disassociative Identity Disorder" a disorder I previously knew very little about. I began to research it as her condition progressed and tried to understand everything, from guardian alters to little alters. So far I've encountered two alters I can definitely identify.

There's James (who I previously referred to as "Sid" because he wouldn't share his name)

and Allie (Little)

However recently something has been happening. When we fight she'll fall off the radar for a bit and come back saying horrible, awful, nasty things. She'll tell me I'm disgusting and destructive, she'll call me a girl (I am a trans man undergoing transformation so I am biologically female.), and say I'll never be a real man, she'll cut herself and smoke, and send me pictures of it, but the weirdest part?

She claims not the be an alter. Now I know this girl very well, I've been in love with her and stayed by her side for two years now and she is the sweetest thing you will ever know. I KNOW her. But she laughs in my face and claims her DID is fake and that she's a lying whore.

What is happening? Is this an alter? Or is something else happening to her? Please, I love this girl so much I want to understand, please help!

While I can only speak from experience here it sounds to me like there's a protective alter that's in denial, and berates the self for believing in/revealing the system. I think this is common in a fractured self but may present in different ways. Also, it is possible that she is become attached to you and her protective mechanisms are telling her no one can be trusted and therefore pushing you away is the only option. We have several parts that do this and we've only realized recently it is an attachment issue. If you really love her, be a stubborn ass and don't walk away. Give her evidence that you'll stick by her and help her through this. At least that's what my H did and I'm more often than not comfortable being attached, and I trust he will be there for me even when I'm pushing back.

Heh. That's a typical denial alter.

One thing to keep in mind is she is not developing DID. She has been that way ever since she was a little child. What is happening now is her system is beginning to come out of the closet. For most of us the transition from covert to overt is part of the recovery process.

This definitely seems to be a case of DID and alters. And I agree with Una+, if your girlfriend has DID she's had it since she was a child, as it develops in childhood, the only difference now is that things are surfacing and becoming less hidden. The whole point of a DID system is to help the host/the one that's "out" most (seems to be your girlfriend) cope and function while seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible. A DID system also basically puts things on "hold" until the person is better able to or in a better place to know, learn of, and process the things they couldn't cope with at the time.


This definitely sounds like a denial alter. (Note- all parts of a person with DID, including the host/main one "out", are alters. The host is just the "main alter" that's out in control of the body most of the time and usually takes care of everyday life).


Try talking to this alter, but not about anything DID-related. Try asking her about HER. Ask her how she feels, what her favorite color is, what she likes to do, any goals she has in life, favorite foods, etc. Alters that are destructive or violent are often used to being hated, disliked, people attempting to make them go away, people wanting to get rid of them, etc. They're often not used to people caring about them, caring about what they have to say, listening to them, etc. And remember, all alters are parts of the same person, this denial alter is a part of your girlfriend, and she is a part of the denial alter. This denial alter is not some stranger or body-snatcher, they're just a part/side of your girlfriend that seems to have a lot of pent-up emotions and is probably in a lot of pain deep down. All alters are developed for needs, for purposes, to help the body survive. And that's what all alters usually are doing- they're simply trying to help the body survive the only ways they know how. So if an alter was developed to act normal, seem normal, and deny that anything's wrong, that's how they know to survive, and that's what they'll keep doing until they begin learning that they don't have to survive like that anymore, and they're in a safer environment (best to have therapy help with this, though). And if the alter rants at you, just let them rant, and then say something like, "It hurts me that you feel that way, and I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" or simply say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and it hurts that you feel that way, but I'm listening to you and I understand how you feel".



Here are some threads that might be helpful to both you and your girlfriend:

-- This thread contains DID resource websites along with organized threads from this forum that discuss discovery experiences, common questions, symptoms, communicating with alters, doubt/denial issues, conflicts within the DID system, about alters in general, self-harm issues, relationship issues/advice, and much more:
- DDNOS/DID Resources: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html


-- This thread focuses more on the "causes" of DID, DID development, switching/co-consciousness/co-hosting (what they are and what they can entail), brushes on doubt/denial issues, and has a couple good threads on communicating/accepting/understanding/working with alters:
- For all who question how they have DID/think their's is odd: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104081.html



Best of luck to both of you! I hope you find this place helpful.


~The Hawk