They were so right * TW *

Oh, how right they were . And I wouldn't believe it. Because I was too silly to think that it may come back. They were right. Depression does not just simply fly away. It doesn't simply vanish into the thin air. No. It may go away for awhile , but then it comes back. It comes back and hits you harder than before.

And here I am once again under my blanket, hoping for the air to finish soon enough. As I am typing this, my heart started pounding and it became harder to breathe.

I know how silly I am because probably I won't do more than pass out because of lack of oxygen. It is stupid. But I don't know how else to do it without causing too much damage...

Lia

Are you suicidal? Is that what you're trying to achieve with the blanket and lack of oxygen? Because you can be depressed without being suicidal. But I can understand both all too well.

Depression hits hard, so as Kat says, we have to hit back harder. Look for positive things, like positive distractions, to help you out when depression gets hard. Do something you enjoy, or that you know you've enjoyed before, even if you don't feel like it and don't think you'll enjoy it at the moment. Put on a funny movie, or listen to positive music, or do a favorite activity, or make yourself go get some fresh air and go for a walk, or make yourself go hang out with friends even if you don't feel like it at first. Yeah, 'cause usually, even though you don't feel like you want to do those things at first, you can end up finding yourself getting lost in those things, and feeling better, and actually even enjoying yourself at times once you let yourself be in that situation. Happens with us all the time, even with stuff we like, like art. We'll be all lethargic and depressed, and not want to do anything, and then we'll force ourselves to start doodling, or do go for a walk outside, or hang out with someone, or something like that, and almost every time, we'll catch ourselves in the middle of things, actually enjoying ourselves, either being proud of a doodle that turned into a masterpiece, or finding ourselves enjoying the walk we went on, or catching ourselves smiling while hanging out with someone. At first, you often have to force yourself to do these things, but once you let yourself get "lost" in whatever you decide to be your distraction, it can really help out your mood, even if you felt like you were not in the mood for doing anything whatsoever. ~L.C. Depression is like denial. You can't give in to it, you have to fight it, and give it everything you've got. It's not easy, and you won't win every time because no one's perfect, but it does help, and the more you fight, the easier fighting gets over time. Because the more you learn about the things that help you, like positive distractions that work, the easier it'll be to recognize when you need to start those positive distractions, and you'll eventually start to have the "upper hand" on depression. It won't always be easy, but it will be easier.

~Luna

Yeah, I guess that's what I'm trying to achieve...
I totally understand what Kat says, but I'm just tired of fighting. What exactly am I fighting for ? Life ? No. I don't know what I should be fighting for and why. I am sick of putting on a happy face so everyone thinks that everything is fine. I am sick of answering ' i'm fine. Just a bit tired ' every time I feel miserable and want to be left alone and die. And even if I'm screaming in their faces that everything is not ok, they won't believe me because I am so blessed with what I've got, that it's not possible to feel otherwise than happy and content. I am sick of acting. Of pretending. I don't want to fight any more.

Lia

Fighting isn't necessarily pretending, or faking happiness, or putting on a smiling face. Fighting is not letting depression win. It's the will power of getting out of bed every day, and congratulating yourself for every success you achieve, even something as small as getting dressed, because depression can make the smallest things the most difficult at times.

One can get tired of fighting. We all understand this very, very well, especially Kat, who's been fighting her whole life and will keep fighting only because she doesn't know how to give up. But you're fighting for yourself. You're fighting to not let life's hardships win and beat you down and make you think that your life can't ever be good. You're fighting to remind yourself and show that there might be hardships in life, but that won't stop you from having a good life, it won't stop you from making your life what you want it to be, and it won't stop you from working towards healing (which will make your life better as well). You're fighting for yourself.


No matter what, always keep fighting. Even if all you can do is block life's punches at the moment, keep fighting. Get back up after life knocks you down. Block life's punches as best you can, and throw your own punches back when you're able to. Because one day, you're going to be the one who knocks life down for a round, or even out. If you give up, you're only hurting yourself, and ensuring that you won't win. If you keep fighting, you will always have a chance at winning, as long as you don't give up.

-KAT


There will always be fighting throughout life, at times there will be more, at times there will be less, but it shall always be there in some form. The main unending fight is the one for balance in one's own life. All life consists of good and bad, and we must work to balance that within our own lives, and fight to keep that balance as best we can. However, not all fighting consists of struggled and hardships. Fighting to keep one's balance can include things like working on accepting the things of the past we cannot change, moving on from them, and looking to the possibilities and "clean slate" of the future. Fighting depression can include working on our mindset and trying to help ourselves focus on the positive things, no matter what, and this can be worked on by doing things such as making a small list of positive things everyday, from small things such as the weather being nice, to large things such as huge progress in therapy or something like that. Not all ways of fighting against something causes feelings of strain or fighting.

~Rain


Sometimes you just have to worry only about yourself, how you feel, and how things are for you, and f*#k what anyone else says, thinks, etc. If things aren't ok to you, then they're not ok to you, and you have every right to show that and act how you want. And if other people don't understand, f*#k them, they don't know what it's like for you, they can't see the whole picture, and you're not obligated to waste your breath or time trying to make them understand. If someone can't accept that despite how good things might seem they aren't good for some reason in some way to that person, then that's their loss and their issue, not your's. There's always the possibility of things having positives and negatives, pros and cons about them, and if someone can't understand that nothing is perfect in this world, then they're wearing sunshine goggles that are probably super-glued to their head. So f*#k them, f*#k what they say, f*#k what they think, and only care about yourself, how you feel, what you think, and how you want to act. It might sound selfish, but it's not. It's being realistic and putting yourself first, like you should anyway. You, how you feel, how you think, your health, all of that, is your first priority. And if someone can't at least accept how you feel or think even if they can't understand it, then f*#k them.

~L.C.

*taking a reeeeealy deep breath*
Thank you all so much, Kat, L.C., Rain. Yes, I think that I understand what fighting is, it basically means "not give up", isn't it?

tomboy24 wrote:You're fighting for yourself.

This. Who exactly is "myself" ? After all this time, I don't think that I quite got it right. Like...is it me or us? Because I personally believe that it's all about perspective. (aaannddd...i'm talking nonsense). I am just confused. Sorry. I don't really know what to say...

L.C., everything that you said is so true, I can see that. But I can't help but think that if I start doing so, I will upset someone by being selfish. Even as I am typing this I feel guilty for being selfish, because of the numerous times that I wrote "I". May once told me that people who write it down so many times are selfish people (because of I don't know what studies that she had read)...

I don't think it is depression, maybe denial, or who knows? I can't bring myself to terms of who is what and what they do, and it gets overwhelming...

I am sorry for the way this came out, it had a plan in the beginning, but it ended up like this. I am sorry.

I wanted to thank you all once again for writing that.
After a looong talk last night, we came to the conclusion that it is simply impossible for us to settle a host or take turns ( like a schedule or something like that ) because things like this happen every time one gets too overwhelmed with being a host, and basically having to take care of everything. So...no host for us. We had decided that since we can co-operate at this level now, (as in being conscious of most of us ) anyone can take control whenever it is needed. It proved to work better than anything that we've tried so far so I guess that we'll stick to this.

TooCloseToTheEdge wrote:*taking a reeeeealy deep breath*
Thank you all so much, Kat, L.C., Rain. Yes, I think that I understand what fighting is, it basically means "not give up", isn't it?

Pretty much, yeah. (And everyone says "You're welcome").

TooCloseToTheEdge wrote:This. Who exactly is "myself" ? After all this time, I don't think that I quite got it right. Like...is it me or us? Because I personally believe that it's all about perspective. (aaannddd...i'm talking nonsense). I am just confused. Sorry. I don't really know what to say...

"Yourself" is you as a whole, you, other alters, etc. It is all of you.

TooCloseToTheEdge wrote:L.C., everything that you said is so true, I can see that. But I can't help but think that if I start doing so, I will upset someone by being selfish. Even as I am typing this I feel guilty for being selfish, because of the numerous times that I wrote "I". May once told me that people who write it down so many times are selfish people (because of I don't know what studies that she had read)...

I wasn't talking in the way of alters so much as other people. But as far as alters go, we all deserve to be a little selfish, and NONE of us should be getting upset with each other about that. Ideally, we all deserve equal time out, equal freedoms to express ourselves, equal shares of sh*t like wearing what we want, etc., but nothing's perfect, so you do the best you can and make the best of what can work for you at the time. Inside alters often forget that hosts deserve time to themselves, too, and they rarely get it, because they have everyone inside talkin' at them or talking among themselves and the host can hear it or wanting to be our or some sh*t like that. So even though the host is out most, they don't get a lot of time to themselves, so we have to allow them time to be "selfish" as well, since they deserve it just as much as any other alter does. Communicating, compromisation (don't care that it's not a word), and sharing is key in things working with being multiple. Oh, and understand helps too. Gotta be able to look at things from the other alter's/person's perspective, and imagine how they feel, and what their point of view is.

TooCloseToTheEdge wrote:I don't think it is depression, maybe denial, or who knows? I can't bring myself to terms of who is what and what they do, and it gets overwhelming...

Sounds like there may be some denial there, but there also might be too much focus on DID going on as well. You can't always be thinking about who's who, who's where, trying to figure things out, and always thinking about DID-related things. The brain's like a computer- if you work it too hard, or too much, it can start to overheat and crash and burn out. You gotta give yourself time to just be, to just live, to get lost in a favorite activity or movie or something, to not worry about anything (even your own confusion), and to just, well, be. The mind needs a break and needs rest just like the body does.

TooCloseToTheEdge wrote:I am sorry for the way this came out, it had a plan in the beginning, but it ended up like this. I am sorry.

Don't be sorry. It's fine. Woah that was weird, I know. Usually I only do this with Luna, I know. Huh. *shrugs*

TooCloseToTheEdge wrote:I wanted to thank you all once again for writing that.
After a looong talk last night, we came to the conclusion that it is simply impossible for us to settle a host or take turns ( like a schedule or something like that ) because things like this happen every time one gets too overwhelmed with being a host, and basically having to take care of everything. So...no host for us. We had decided that since we can co-operate at this level now, (as in being conscious of most of us ) anyone can take control whenever it is needed. It proved to work better than anything that we've tried so far so I guess that we'll stick to this.

That's a great decision. Not all systems have to have hosts, or set schedules. It just can sometimes be helpful to have a host or an idea of a schedule to go by, but everyone's different, so everyone will have different things that work for them and help them. And this way, you'll also probably start to feel more like a team, which is good, because you all are a team anyway. Hope this works out for you all and goes well.

~Phenix

~L.C.