My therapist went overboard today

trigger

She first told me I had stockholm syndrome. I wasn't really surprised. But first she told me I had stockholm syndrome. Which is a syndrome where you feel a deep connection to a person who has actually abused you. Where you feel positive emotions for people you're supposed to feel negatively about. This is nothing new to me. Secondly she tried to talk me out of these feelings for him. I argued with her back. I know people don't approve of them, okay. I know that. I am not shocked that people don't approve of it. BUT SHE WOULDN'T even hear me out about why I still feel positive about him. About how he saved me from being sold into sex slavery and didn't allow them to lock me up in cages and stuff. She wouldn't even listen to me. She interrupted me and kept saying all these horrible things like "but he raped you" "but he sold you to other men". So ######6 what. And she kept saying this $#%^ and it was pissing me off and just making me want to defend him more by telling her that he may have been pressured to do that and I forgive him.

AND THEN IT JUST GOT WORSE.

She told me to call childline on him. "I want you to report him". "NO!" "Yes C, I want you to report him, he deserves it". "No he doesn't!" And then I just stopped arguing with her about him not deserving it, because it seemed to infuriate her more. She just kept saying "I want you to report him" And I kept saying "NO!" And THEN TO MAKE IT WORSE. She left this big guilt trip on me. "What about the other children he's hurt C?" "I have no proof of that". "You don't need proof, people like him are repeat offenders". And she just kept talking about the other children over and over and over again.

By the end of the session she had me wanting to jump off a bridge, because she doesn't understand that no matter what choice I choose I still feel guilty. She doesn't understand stockholm syndrome in that way. And I don't get why she doesn't get it. She's a trauma therapist. I feel so guilty for not saving the other children she's talking about, but if I reported him, I feel like I was abandoning him when he didn't abandon me. I have thought of this over and over and over and over again. And the guilt eats me alive. It eats at me night and day. And then she just made me feel even worse.

I even told her "you're making me feel worse I can't decide that, the guilt is too much" And she responded "Well you can decide, you can decide for the children and then the guilt will leave". NO IT WON'T.

I just blurted out "I want to drive my car off a bridge". And I did at the time. I really did. I had to take a nap in my car after the appt so that I didn't.

She thinks I can just "snap" out of this. It's been 20 years. If she thinks I'm just going to give him up because she tells me to, she's got to be crazy. If she supports me as a patient at all she would have MY best interest at heart not "all those other children". I am obviously not ready or near ready to report my abuser and I need support in that area. And I am now suicidal, because of her. So I am spending the night at my dad's house.

At the end she goes "do you even want to come back?" Giving the impression she didn't even want me back. "Yes, do you know how hard I fought for a DID specialist?" And then I just started crying "You don't want me back. I'm too severe". I just wish that ONE therapist would not give up on me. The last therapist threw me to the wolves after one of my parts admitted that he slept with cleaner fluid some nights. She said "No, I want you back. I just wanted to make sure you really wanted this."

Why because I have stockholm syndrome this means I don't want to recover? Does she think in some ways it doesn't disturb me that I still love him? Because it does. And does this mean I'm not effected by the rape that happened. That because I loved him, I loved the rape, and everything else? No. That's not how it is.

I am so But I'm headed to my dad's now so I don't spend tonight alone.

Not going to push this to hard I know this has been hard for you. She wanted to push you a bit to see if you really willing to stay as her client. Maybe that's not a bad thing but it's a hard thing to go through.

*safe hugs* if wanted.

Hope things get better for you.

- Teh lonely kitty

Actually, your therapist is being your inner child's advocate. This is quite normal, even though I think she might have taken it a bit more easy on you.. But yes, hearing the child parts and defending them, is their job. So I don't know if you have contact with your littles or not, but is one of them really happy that she's making it clear to you that he was wrong doing what he did?

(trigger warning)
Ah, the therapist. A Queen of Lies, it is thought. I am familiar with this dance. Our Queen of Lies wished me to see my first lover as false. To paint him black, to see the ritual as abuse. In truth she aimed for me to retract my experience as anything other than trickery and abuse. That was not my experience, even if one accepts these were present in measures. There was more. So I would not call it such. He had a capacity for brutality. So what? I enjoyed submitting, to be on my knees for him, to accept the fire and knife, the blood and seed, the religion and sacrifice, the skin, sweat, love, pain, pleasure, and power. You see it is complex, betrayal. Acceptance. Leaving. Belief. I would not stand against him, only to find comfort in soft beds and the petting. Likely he would laugh, to see it written thus. Perhaps he laughs beyond the grave. If we were to meet again, he would take me by the hair unto the stone by the riverbed to show me what real pain is. Or set me to the cage in disgust until I thought on things the better. I do not regret his lessons, what is engrained and what is written in stone. It is true I took pleasure where perhaps there was none; still, I think on my beloved with a smile at the lips. It is too simple to call it smoke and mirrors, abuse or no. Some moments were true, and to question it disturbs my serenity. It is exasperating to think on these things alone. I wish you well on this epic journey.
Magdella a'Lilit

*Trigger Warning*

i love my daddy. he's the best daddy in the world. kat says he's not and she hates him. i dunno how she can hate daddy so much... he's got his ruff edges but everyone does...

Cassie, say what you've told me in the past, late at night. That is the truth, underneath the love you somehow still hold for him.

*Trigger Warning*

i... *deep breath*

why did he leave me alone?? why?? why dusn't he want to be home with me?? why does he come back and be so mean?? i didn't think i did anything wrong why does he yell at me?? all i wanted was to not be so alone! all i wanted was to have daddy home to hug! but he wasn't there! he left me! all the time! why?? did he not love me? did i do sumthing wrong? did he not want to be around me? did he like beer and pool more than me? and why did he come home so mean? why did he hurt me so much with his words all the time?? i hate him! i hate him for leaving! daddys shouldn't leave! i hate him for drinking! he knows he shouldn't drink! i hate him for being so mean! daddys shouldn't be so mean! what happened to my daddy?? he wasn't like this when mommy was alive!

The problem is he was, Cassie. He was always like this, but mom kept him in line, and she was the buffer for us a lot, taking his sh*t so we didn't have to.


You see, Milet, things are rarely black and white, they're most often a confusing shade of gray where right and wrong gets lost and smudged. However, there is one thing that can never be erased, nor made up for, and that is the fact that someone hurt you, abused you, and treated you wrongly. He might have a good side, Cassandra's father did as well, but that does not make up for the bad things he's done and/or still doing. Just because he decided to save you and had a moment of mercy does not mean his slate is wiped clean of all crimes he's done and possibly continues to do. One time of doing a good deed does not undo anything. Has he paid for your therapy you've needed because of him? Has he helped anyone else like he helped you? Has he gotten out of that "business" and recognized the error of his ways and sought to go legal and legitimate? No. In the end, you cannot ignore the fact that because of him and his actions, you now have mental and emotional scars you have yet to heal from. You cannot ignore the fact that because of him and his actions, other people will have mental and emotional scars just like you that they may or may not ever heal from. You cannot ignore the ugly just because he had once instance of being beautiful. Even despite Cassie's love she still has for her father, deep down she does indeed have a hatred of him, and deep down she realizes that if it was necessary (like if he had other kids or something), she would have the strength to report him, despite the massive pain it would cause her. Despite the fact that she still denies he abused us, she still denies (except for those outbursts) that he did anything wrong, and she would stand by his side through just about anything, loving him with all her heart, deep down she knows that if it was necessary, she would have the strength to stand against him, though I imagine she would cry the entire time.



In the end, when all paths seem like they can't be taken easily, you have to choose the path you know needs to be taken, and in your case, that path is reporting this man. His one moment of beauty does not make up for all of his past and most likely still continuing ugliness. Like a wife of an abusive husband, there comes a day where you must realize that despite your love for him, he does inflict damage upon you and others, people who do not deserve such damage inflicted upon them, and he needs to answer to the consequences of inflicting damage upon others. You cannot let your emotions blind you from making a logical decision. You have to set aside your love for this man, set aside your affections, look past them, and look at the facts and what should be done based on those facts. The facts are, this man has hurt you, he has hurt others, and he is most likely still hurting others. He had one moment where he showed mercy, but that's it. (Love and affection does not come into play whatsoever here. Facts and logic only). What should be done based on those facts is this man needs to be reported.


What should be done is often never easy. In fact, it is usually the hardest path to take. But in the end, it is often the best path to take, even if it doesn't seem or feel like it at first.

I am sorry you are having a difficult time, and wish you the best of luck in this.


-KAT

She wasn't speaking for the child parts, because even they are upset that she upset the host so much. We've spent the last two days at our dad's and have finally decided to return home. What she did was unprofessional and wreaked a lot of havoc on our system. A therapists job isn't to tell you what to do, it's to help you come to a conclusion that best fits your situation. She went overboard and we are all very upset and angry with her.

And it's not my time to report him. I am not strong enough yet. That's why I'm in therapy. It was my third appt. I didn't expect to be hit with "well if you were strong you would report him". When I went away to the trauma clinic in Baltimore they told me "don't say his name or we have to report him and sometimes women JUST AREN'T READY FOR THAT". I am just NOT ready for that right now. People need to understand this and stop telling me what to do. I know what's best for me.

She also told me that my wanting to self harm made me weak and that I could be "strong" by not self harming. I have been self harming since I was 14. Imagine the horror I felt after realizing how weak I realized I was for eleven years.

Yes I totally agree she should never tell you what to do, or pressure you into doing something out of guilt for 'other children'.
She should definitely not tell you that you're weak, ever. Definitely not.
And definitely not after only 3 appointments. She should be able to logically assume that you wont be ready for that and not even talk about it yet. She should also be ready and able to accept that you are not going to report him if that's what you choose, without making you feel weak or guilty or whatever. The only logical thing that I can imagine is either her being stupid, or trying to trigger you/to see a switch, which is stupid also.. But she is right in saying, what he did was really wrong, even though according to you it could have been worse.
I would have my doubts about going back honestly. But I can imagine you would if she's the only option. It will definitely take a while for you to trust her? If you know that you're not ever going to trust her, I would think again about going back.

Milet wrote:She wasn't speaking for the child parts, because even they are upset that she upset the host so much. We've spent the last two days at our dad's and have finally decided to return home. What she did was unprofessional and wreaked a lot of havoc on our system. A therapists job isn't to tell you what to do, it's to help you come to a conclusion that best fits your situation. She went overboard and we are all very upset and angry with her.

And it's not my time to report him. I am not strong enough yet. That's why I'm in therapy. It was my third appt. I didn't expect to be hit with "well if you were strong you would report him". When I went away to the trauma clinic in Baltimore they told me "don't say his name or we have to report him and sometimes women JUST AREN'T READY FOR THAT". I am just NOT ready for that right now. People need to understand this and stop telling me what to do. I know what's best for me.

She also told me that my wanting to self harm made me weak and that I could be "strong" by not self harming. I have been self harming since I was 14. Imagine the horror I felt after realizing how weak I realized I was for eleven years.

This full situation was not explained, and so I did not know, thus there was no way I could understand. Therefore, I apologize, although I do stand by my previous response, but it is also important to only confront such things when you are indeed ready.

Self harm does not make one weak. If anything, it shows how strong they are that they are clearly in enough pain to inflict harm upon themselves, and yet they are still surviving, they are still attempting to move forward, and that is strength.

It sounds like this therapist wants to move very quickly, and wants to work through things and get you healed as quickly as possible instead of going at a pace that's comfortable for you. I am sorry you had to experience this, and hope you are able to find another therapist that is more helpful to you and will better suit your needs.


-KAT

The only logical thing that I can imagine is either her being stupid, or trying to trigger you/to see a switch, which is stupid also..

I could see a third option there, which is that this T has her own skeletons in the closet that she is projecting onto you. I know a fellow like that (not my T, but other people's) who due to his own abusive background wants to be an advocate/saviour for others, but he often cannot really tell what is his stuff and what is the other person's, which is a HUGE problem if you're a professional.

I think this T has issues of her own if she comes on as strongly as that. Maybe she identifies with "the other children", maybe it is one of her own unhealed child parts speaking that feels betrayed by you. In any case, this should have no place in a therapeutic relationship that is for YOUR benefit. She needs to get supervision or something, it is not your job to deal with that.

It is your decision and your decision alone if you want to report him. No one else has to interfere in that. At the core of DID is precisely this contradiction between love and hate that is almost impossible to resolve for one single person - hence why you need more than one. A T should understand that and not take sides, i.o.o..

Some of us.