I just don't know **Trigger**

I can genuinely say that I honestly feel like a different person....but, maybe I'm not?

You're Leslie. That's all. I'm not trying to be a downer or unfair. I feel different too, but I know I'm not. I think that even if this was DID then we shouldn't encourage the seperation. We should act as one person. It isn't DID, though. It's simply acting that has gone overboard. Imaginary friends. Nothing more. The sooner that is realized, the sooner we can move on with life.

....But, I can't go on without Logan. I love him too much.

You are, Logan. Love YOURSELF. and please stop crying. You can't cry over something fake.


Logan's crying now too.

YOU are crying. ONLY you.

If this was fake then why does it feel like I'm being forced to kill my best friends?

You aren't. They were never here in the first place.

Yes they are! Stop it! I won't give in to you!

I am you.

NO!

YES!!!

Leave us alone!

No. This has gone too far. I will beat you if you continue this.

Please just don't make me lose Logan!Logan doesn't exist!

Yes he does!

Maybe I'm fake...Maybe I'm fake...Maybe I never exisited.... I'm fake....

NO! Logan! NO!

Bye bye, Les....Bye bye....

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Please don't! Please don't! NO!!!!!!!! Logan? Logan???

Annabelle/Leslie's conscience, I am sorry to say, I am slightly disappointed in you. No matter what your disagreement is, you have no place in upsetting others, and you have no right to force your beliefs on to others, no matter how correct you think you are.


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Technically, Annabelle is right. You are all technically parts of the same person. This person is not Leslie, as there is no "original", but all alters are parts of the same person and make up the same person. Imagine yourselves all as puzzle pieces. When you are put together, you all fit together to make the same whole picture. But as separate puzzle pieces, you can all be very different in what piece of the picture you hold.

HOWEVER, this does NOT mean that Logan is fake, it does NOT mean that Leslie is faking this, and it does NOT make DID any less real.


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Now, Annabelle/Leslie's conscience, could you please explain to me what being an alter is supposed to feel like? Because I do not feel like an alter, if there is any specific feeling to be had that "lets you know" you're an alter. I feel like myself, yet I know that I am a part of the same person as Cassandra, and I know that we all are technically the same person, but we are different parts within that person. As a whole, we are the same person, when "put together". As separate parts, separate "sides" of the personality/person, we can be very different, and these different "sides" are called alters. This does not mean we feel like alters (I am not sure what "feeling like an alter" entails). I am aware that I am not "outside" a lot. I am aware that I am not in control of the body a lot. I am aware that I can be aware of things happening that I am not in control of. I am aware that I am an alter, but that does not mean it is always obvious to me, nor does it mean that I feel like one.


Please understand, Annabelle/Leslie's conscience, that some separation is good and healthy for a DID system. It is healthy for alters to develop a sense of identity, it is healthy for them to know themselves, and since there is separation between memories and emotions anyway, it can be helpful and healthy to know exactly "who" those memories and emotions "come from". Too much separation is not good, this is true, but it seems like you are trying to force yourselves to be one when you are clearly not one, not yet. And please remember as well, that one can heal fully and properly while staying multiple. A good team is still made up of individuals that can have their own identities. This is what you should be acting as- a team, not as one. You are not yet ready to force yourselves to act as one, nor should you force yourselves to do anything that does not feel comfortable. This is what you are currently doing, you are forcing Logan and Leslie to go through and do things that are uncomfortable to them, and that is not an appropriate way to deal with this.


Can you please explain to me why you do not think this is DID despite all the proof that is in front of you within this thread alone? If you and Logan were not truly alters, you would not be speaking/typing to each other and Leslie like this, Logan would not be consistent, you would not have voices in your head, you would not have memory issues, you would not have dissociative experiences, you would not have any symptoms whatsoever. And perhaps you, as Annabelle, do not, but clearly, from what I've read, Leslie and Logan do, which means if they have DID, you, as a part of the same person as Leslie, have DID as well.

And even if you disagree with this being DID, it is not nice of you to cause upset and pain to the others. Clearly, they are holding on to DID for a reason. Why not try seeing it and understanding it from their point of view? Why not ask them why they think it is DID and try to keep an open mind to their reasons and explanations?


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(For Leslie and Logan only, please)

Leslie and Logan, please to not give in to this. This is clearly very strong denial, please hang on and stay strong. Remind yourselves of what you know, what you've felt, the symptoms and reasons for why this is DID, remind yourselves of what you know to be true. You did not have doubt before, do not let doubt be forcefully planted now.

Logan, you are not fake, you are indeed very real. You are both your own identity, and a part/"side" of the same person as Leslie. You are both parts that make up the same person, so technically, you are the same person, but that does not mean you are the same part/identity, nor does it mean you are fake. You are indeed very real, this is all very real (otherwise it would not be happening in the first place and this thread would not exist at all), and this seems to be at the very least DDNOS-1, if not DID.


Leslie, Logan is not fake, none of this is fake, and you are not faking anything. This is not role-playing, this is all very real, just as you've been suspecting and believing. Technically, yes, Logan and you are the same person, but that is because you are parts of the same person, together you make up the same person, but you are different parts, and you are both very real. If this was not real, you would not have voices in your head, if Annabelle was truly your conscience she would be the only voice in your head and she would not have a name/identity, you would not have memory issues/lost time, you would not have dissociative experiences, and this thread alone would not exist. Please stay strong and hang in there, I know denial can be very difficult to fight, but you must try. Do not give up on Logan, yourself, Annabelle, or any other part/alter of your system. No storm lasts forever.


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I wish you all the best of luck in working this out. Please try to resolve this peacefully, and please try to not push nor upset each other anymore, as that is not helpful to anyone and it impedes progress.

*safe hugs to all if wanted*


~Rain

Annabelle/Leslie's conscience, I am sorry to say, I am slightly disappointed in you. No matter what your disagreement is, you have no place in upsetting others, and you have no right to force your beliefs on to others, no matter how correct you think you are.

I'm helping her in the long run. She can't stop faking this. She's faking right now. That or I'm her subconscious giving her conscious a temporary sense of identity to protect her from leading down a path of destruction. That is why I seem to have free will. So I can stop her from destroying her brain with this nonsense.

Annabelle beats us sometimes. She's hurt us all.

No. I beat Leslie sometimes as punishment for believing this, but you are not separate people. You don't have free will. Leslie just isn't stopping you.


Because she feels like it would be rude!


This is ridiculous. Honestly, I've been around before she knew what DID was and she had the symptoms without realizing it. She felt like I was her conscious, but a conscious wouldn't be as clever as I am. I also had a tendency to say harsh things that she didn't want to hear. They wouldn't have been so consistent and the most certainly wouldn't beat her like you do. Also, Logan and Lori were around back then too.

You're nothing but imaginary friends.

Now, Annabelle/Leslie's conscience, could you please explain to me what being an alter is supposed to feel like?

Not like this! t feels like I'm Leslie's conscious ACTING. I feel like I think separately, but I feel like it's acting. Does that make any sense. If it's acting then that would mean that I am Leslie, therefore imaginary. It wouldn't feel like acting if I was real, would it? No. Believe me, I want to be real. I would love to be real, but it feels like I'm simply a part of her brain acting like another person.

I feel that way too sometimes, but my emotions feel so separate and my interests are too. How do you explain that?

Please understand, Annabelle/Leslie's conscience, that some separation is good and healthy for a DID system. It is healthy for alters to develop a sense of identity, it is healthy for them to know themselves, and since there is separation between memories and emotions anyway, it can be helpful and healthy to know exactly "who" those memories and emotions "come from". Too much separation is not good, this is true, but it seems like you are trying to force yourselves to be one when you are clearly not one, not yet. And please remember as well, that one can heal fully and properly while staying multiple. A good team is still made up of individuals that can have their own identities. This is what you should be acting as- a team, not as one. You are not yet ready to force yourselves to act as one, nor should you force yourselves to do anything that does not feel comfortable. This is what you are currently doing, you are forcing Logan and Leslie to go through and do things that are uncomfortable to them, and that is not an appropriate way to deal with this.

I understand it is healthy, but the problem is that if it isn't DID then this separation will only cause issues.

So what if it's NOT DID? Why would it be SO bad to think differently? if it keeps her calm then why is it bad?

Because she's already anti-social as it is and she's eighteen years old! That's too old for imaginary friends, don't you think? I'm twelve and I know that! Besides, when the 'alters' are upset then she feels it too and then she'll feel all depressed and panicked because of 'their' mindset. If she doesn't feel/imagine it then it's not there!

I see. What about when they are happy or make her feel safe?

She can talk to real life people for that or she can just talk to herself as HER instead of people or she could at the very least admit that we're imaginary.

Can you please explain to me why you do not think this is DID despite all the proof that is in front of you within this thread alone? If you and Logan were not truly alters, you would not be speaking/typing to each other and Leslie like this, Logan would not be consistent, you would not have voices in your head, you would not have memory issues, you would not have dissociative experiences, you would not have any symptoms whatsoever. And perhaps you, as Annabelle, do not, but clearly, from what I've read, Leslie and Logan do, which means if they have DID, you, as a part of the same person as Leslie, have DID as well.

It feels like acting a lot, yet it feels so natural. I'm not sure if we're all just parts of the same consciousness that are conversing or not. and a lot of time she's aware and I feel like I'm her, but then I feel different, but I just don't know. That's what gets to me.

And even if you disagree with this being DID, it is not nice of you to cause upset and pain to the others. Clearly, they are holding on to DID for a reason. Why not try seeing it and understanding it from their point of view? Why not ask them why they think it is DID and try to keep an open mind to their reasons and explanations?

I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I just want to protect her from a bad situation. I don't want her to be humiliated or depressed if this is all fake. I really don't know if it's fake. She doesn't really knowingly miss time much. She is aware I'm writing this right now and I feel like she could stop if the urge to keep writing as me would go away. It's like an impulse that she can't stop. She doesn't plan what is being said, though. It flows naturally, but she could probably force it to stop with enough effort. I don't know. I am not trying to hurt anyone, though. I just want to help.

Leslie and Logan, please to not give in to this. This is clearly very strong denial, please hang on and stay strong. Remind yourselves of what you know, what you've felt, the symptoms and reasons for why this is DID, remind yourselves of what you know to be true. You did not have doubt before, do not let doubt be forcefully planted now.

I can try. It's so hard to keep believing sometimes, though. Sometimes it all feels so made up. I know I need to push denial away, though.

Logan, you are not fake, you are indeed very real. You are both your own identity, and a part/"side" of the same person as Leslie. You are both parts that make up the same person, so technically, you are the same person, but that does not mean you are the same part/identity, nor does it mean you are fake. You are indeed very real, this is all very real (otherwise it would not be happening in the first place and this thread would not exist at all), and this seems to be at the very least DDNOS-1, if not DID.

I don't want to be imaginary, but what if I am? What if I'm not really feeling things and Leslie just thinks I am? It disturbs me to think that I may not be feeling things....This is so confusing.

Leslie, Logan is not fake, none of this is fake, and you are not faking anything. This is not role-playing, this is all very real, just as you've been suspecting and believing. Technically, yes, Logan and you are the same person, but that is because you are parts of the same person, together you make up the same person, but you are different parts, and you are both very real. If this was not real, you would not have voices in your head, if Annabelle was truly your conscience she would be the only voice in your head and she would not have a name/identity, you would not have memory issues/lost time, you would not have dissociative experiences, and this thread alone would not exist. Please stay strong and hang in there, I know denial can be very difficult to fight, but you must try. Do not give up on Logan, yourself, Annabelle, or any other part/alter of your system. No storm lasts forever.

Thank you so much, Rain. I know denial irritates Shay, but I can't stop Annabelle. Or...at least I don't think I can. You are so helpful,though. All of you.

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I wish you all the best of luck in working this out. Please try to resolve this peacefully, and please try to not push nor upset each other anymore, as that is not helpful to anyone and it impedes progress.

*safe hugs to all if wanted*

This is exactly what we've been saying to ourselves, and it turned out we had a denial alter that was saying the same stuff Annabelle's saying.

It may be slightly triggering to you, but please, check out this thread. I think you'll find you can really identify with it and it might be helpful to you in some way. (You don't have to start from page number one. I'll try to find a good "come in" point and give you that link as well).

-- Done living this lie: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97494.html

-- Page 8, a good come-in point: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97494-70.html

(But since the last few pages might be the most helpful, here's a second good come-in point a bit later on: (actually, you might want to go to this one first, I think this might be the most relevant to what's going on right now and could help: Page 10: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97494-90.html)


Hope this is helpful somewhat. Please don't give in to denial. It really sucks and hurts... (Sorry, not trying to make anyone feel guilty or anything, I'm just saying how it feels to me, especially as a "mostly inside" alter. Not trying to make anyone feel bad... ).


-Damone

Well I just got my denial slapped in the face because I don't remember the above post that Damone wrote at all. (Kinda glad I re-read this thread now. Take that, denial. Round one of today goes to me and the proof that's sitting right here in front of my face).




-Cassandra

Erh... Never mind.
'Cept for th' beatin' part. Hurtin' others isn't goin' te teach them anythin'. So knock it off.

(Jacob)

(just wanted to say that from more recent threads, hornet339 has shared that annabelle has gotten better and has finally admitted that it's possible for them to have DDNOS-1 and such. i know you might not have known that, but just wanted to say, things have gotten better for them in terms of denial. ) (if you were replying to cassandra, then ignore everything i just said )

- cassie (age ?)




Jacob-

I know you mean well, and you're absolutely right. But...

Denial is something I, and other people, can't exactly control or decide to not fall into or turn off. Believe me, I wish I could. Wish there was a magic switch that would just, boop! denial "off". But it doesn't work that way. Denial is often a subconscious reflexive defensive mechanism used by the brain to try and re-hide DID stuff from conscious awareness/knowledge. And it's not easy to get over. Just like it's hard to come to terms with having DDNOS-1/DID and fully accepting that truth for yourself. We aren't meaning to hurt anyone. It's not easy to battle denial. And we can't just stop or "knock this sh*t off". It's not that easy. I'm sure everyone would stop if they could, but it's a cycle. It's a cycle that gets easier over time as denial gets easier to fight and eventually reduces as you work on acceptance and such.

-Cassandra

Oh... I uh... Didn't realize this wasn't a recent thread.
Ah dunnae, the nice an' logical wasn't workin' from what ah read so ah decided ta have at it my way...
So... Oops.
(Jacob)

Does the cycle ever end, Cassandra? I mean....I feel like mine would end if I just lost a BIT of time, you know? I've been trying to just keep my focus on the other proof I have, but that would certainly give it that push it needs.

@Jacob: No worries. I make mistakes like that a lot too, where I think a thread is recent and it ends up not being recent and such.


@Hornet339: Sorry, I don't mean to offend, just laughing at myself. First, I rarely ever lost time, I mean 99% of the time I didn't lose time at all. Then, I started realizing that I did lose time. Then I started experiencing more lost time with us being more comfortable being ourselves and thus being more comfortable with full switches and not worrying about having me around to 'appear normal' all the time and such. And despite all this, I mean I know I've been inside for a while. A whole month practically has gone by where I haven't been around. And despite this obvious lost time, I still have denial.

But then again, why shouldn't I have denial still? Look at the "Working on Acceptance" thread. How can I not have denial if I don't accept all of me? If I still doubt the existence of some of the others? If I'm not truly and fully accepting not only the fact that I have DID, but that all who are in the system are real and do exist, then denial will still be there.

It definitely gets easier to fight and cope with over time. And I believe it denial can end, but I also believe it ends differently for different people. For us, I believe denial will end when all of us are fully accepting of each other's existences and the fact that we are all real and such. This seems impossible to me at times now, but I know it's not, and I know we can reach that point over time, with work and patience. Long as we don't give up on each other, we'll get there.


-Cassandra