Frustrations of a Host (Possible Trigger Warning)

we
ask
cassandra
what
cassandras
frustrations
were.


~s
h
a
y~

And she began to type this response, which turned into a conversation. We decided that we would post it here.

~The Hawk



*Trigger Warning: Expressing frustrations, possible angry ranting, and discussion among each other*(We will be color-coding the post according to our signature colors so that it's better organized).

Question: Why are you frustrated?

Answer:
I'm tired of this!!

Ok??

I'm tired of DID.

I'm tired of sharing time.

I'm tired of trying to please everyone and failing every time because it's impossible.

I'm tired of playing referee.

I'm tired of being host.

I'm tired of it.



I'm tired of not getting to wear what I want.

I'm tired of not getting to do what I want.

I'm tired of being forced to do things I'm not in the mood for.

I'm tired of always being the one to give up what I want for someone else inside.

And I'm tired of it.

I'm close to being done.



I want to do what I want to do for once!!

And you know what I want to do??

What I feel is meaningful!!

And you know what I feel is meaningful and useful of my time and effort??

HELPING OTHER PEOPLE!!

Being there for other people!

Letting them know that there is at least someone, somewhere out there, that will at the very least listen to them.

That, to me, is meaningful and useful.


If I could get paid for it in any way for any amount, I would, just so I could call it a job. But I don't care about money. I know I'm a strain on Mike. I was never opposed to not having any type of job. I'd just rather not force myself to try and stay at another sh*tty job that's exactly the type of environment that I know will basically cause me a breakdown. I'll go for a part-time job, easy. I'll go for a full time job long as it's low-ish stress level. But it's kinda f*#king hard to be- Cassandra, language, please. I- this- see?? THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! I'M TIRED OF THIS! Tired of being interrupted, corrected, argued with, questioned, commented on, given other suggestions, etc., etc., etc. You wanna know why I never feel motivated to even start doing things?? Because I feel and I hear and I know what you all want!! And you all want different things!! And you, L.C. and Luna, always just want to lay around or "chill around" all day! And you know what?? That doesn't sound like a bad idea to me because that means I can still do something I consider meaningful and useful by getting on the site and helping people the best I can and making some sort of difference in this world to someone for once!! As human beings we're supposed to be helping each other grow, thrive, learn, heal, and live a good life! We're supposed to be supporting each other, helping each other, to achieve a common goal of living a healthy, stable, good life!! And that's what I care about! I don't give a sh*t about money, materialistic stuff, partying, hanging out with people just to f*#k around and waste time, none of that stuff! (Well, I mean I care about friendship and stuff, just not always messing around, doing nothing just doing nothing together, you know?) I mean yeah, I'm f*#king up, we need a job and we gotta get sh*t straight in our life, but you know what?? How come it all has to rest on me??? How come all the responsibility is on me?? Just 'cause I'm the host?? Well f*#k that man! I'm done! I'm tired of it! Let's see the high-and-mighty Kat go out and get a job. You little brat! I've f*#king tried! I get stopped too so you just shut your mouth! Gawd, shut up. Or, let's see Dallas go out and get a job! Or the new-and-improved Phenix! How come I'm the only one that has to try and get a job??

Do you really want an answer?

Sure, whatever, don't care.

We have been unable to help you with things concerning the outside world because we have been doing so much inside, and have had to put our true priorities of attempting to maintain at least a minimum form of stability first. We have been basically working over time. In our free time, we are attempting to help you as best as we're able to. Most of the time, we're inside taking care of things in there. And then for a slight amount of time, we rest when we absolutely need to (or whenever we're able to). This is also why you'll suddenly get very, very tired and end up taking a 2-5 hour nap. We apologize but we did not think it would last this long, nor did we think that so many alters would feel safe enough to surface this quickly. (And most of us did not know about many of each other). But we do not hold the full blame. You, Cassandra, cannot deny that you do not hold at least half of the blame with us.

But-

No "buts". You are addicted to this site. You cannot pull yourself away from this site. You are the one who talks yourself into staying on for "just 5 more minutes" until an entire hour or more has passed. You are the one who feels the need to get on this site, who feels you have to get on this site. You are the one who feels the need to help others, who feels you have to help others, when you do not and when you cannot help everyone, no matter how much you try. You are the one who fights us when we try to get up to get ready for the day, and you are the one to share the blame for not eating/forgetting to eat. You are not blameless in this situation.

.....I hate you all.....

Wha- you- hey-!

Ah-ah-ah! Stop. Let her go. This has been an issue for much longer than we realized. And a much bigger issue than we realized as well. Let her cool off, calm down, and relax.

..Fine.

Well. *coughs* Now what?

Simple. We're a team, right? So let's be a team. I'll stay out with Shay and Cassie for the rest of tonight, and any of the other littles who want to and feel up to being out. Tomorrow, we'll start taking turns in teams. So, let's think about what teams we can make to share the role of host for as long as we might need. Um, let's see, let's write this out, huh? Just to make it easier. Let's start out by listing all the candidates that can be in a team.

Let's see, from the First Level we have Kat, Rain, sometimes Shay (especially with a co-host to help her, her sense of focus sometimes could be really helpful), and actually sometimes Cassie, especially if she has someone else with her.

From the Second Level we have Marie, um, Valera, did you want to throw your name in? Maybe? Ok, well, we'll keep you as a "maybe" then and thank you for thinking about it. And then Dallas possibly, long as we're doing the team stuff, then we have Kyra since she's an ex-host and has been doing much better with adjusting to everything, and Phenix, and I think that's it for the Second Level. Oh! Blank! How about Blank? She'd be great with someone else to help her out. Ok, so in agreement for Blank as a candidate...

And then we've got me, aaaand I think that's it...

Alright, so team ideas anyone? Who would make good teams?

Kat and Rain, of course, obvious dynamic duo haha.

Shay and Blank, good idea! Unless we need to drive, so let's make a note of that.

Me with anyone, ha ha ha, think that could be said for most of you.

Rain with Shay, yes, good.

Marie with Dallas, interesting suggestion, that could work.

Dallas with Phenix, um, we might want to wait on that one until they're doing a bit better, but otherwise yes, good idea.

Kat with Dallas, um, a bit too much risk for temper issues there, but we can think about it.

Rain with Cassie, yes.

Shay with Cassie, that works, but no driving.

Kyra with Kat, Rain, Phenix, or Marie, yes, those would work.

Kat with Phenix, good.

Blank with Rain, Kat, or Marie, yes. Even Dallas maybe.

Rain and Dallas, possibly, I don't know how well you two can co-host, but we can always try.

Aaand, that about it? Well we got a pretty good list, so we can call it quits for tonight. If we get any more ideas, we can always add them.

So, who wants to pull the first shift tomorrow? How about I'll co-host with someone since I haven't been out in a while and I'm kinda liking it, if that's ok? Ok? Sweet. Alright, so, who's up to co-hosting with me? And, for now, I mean, nothing has to be set in stone, but let's at least keep switches to those that make up this list of candidates if we can, sound good? Reasonable at least? Cool, thanks. Alright so who's pulling host duty with me, haha. Well, Cassie can be out for Sunday without being part of the co-host team. I figured I'd let her be out for her day but not have to worry about the responsibilities of co-hosting or anything like that. So, anyone else? I feel so love, hahahaha, just kiddin'. Shay? You'll be with me? Ok, cool, let's do it. Me an' you, Shay, we're on host duty tomorrow.

Alright, and then tomorrow we'll figure out who's going to take the next day. Oh wait that's Monday. Usually Art Day. Hhmm... Let's see if we can do one last Art Day here, with like Shay and Cassie, and then the next Monday we will work to let L.C. and Luna go downtown for Art Day like they're used to. Sound good? Ok, cool. Let's go for that.

Now that we got an idea of what we're doing, let's maybe post this for Cassandra (I think she'd appreciate, and besides, it'd cheer her up to get on for a bit, so we'll let her get on just for a very short time before we post this. Like, 30 min sound good? Ok, good, 30 min.). And then we'll just do whatever the rest of the night, maybe play some video games or something.

Cassandra, I definitely understand a lot of your frustrations. There've been days when I got fed up with being host and gone inside telling someone else to try.... But I hope you dont stay frustrated with them, they want to be themselves as much as you want to be you. And i hope things start to calm down for you guys soon.

But this hosting team idea seems pretty clever. Hopefully it'll help out with all this

@Cassandra: We are glad that you were able to get your frustrations out. And we would like to say to Cassandra that just as Cassandra helps us, we want to be able to help Cassandra-nee-chan too. And we don't mean to make Cassandra feel guilty about this because it is fueled by our affection for her, but we're worried about Cassandra. Cassandra-nee-chan is an important person too who deserves everything that she wants to give to her alters too!

tomboy24 wrote:I'm tired of trying to please everyone and failing every time because it's impossible.

Yes, it is impossible. No one wants the same thing, and sometimes what they want is mutually exclusive. The job of host is incredibly demanding, which means you have to be especially vigilant about taking care of yourself. And Cassandra-nee-chan is such a good host that she tries so hard to be an even better host and burns self out on trying so hard. But ultimately, pushing oneself past one's limits like this is destructive. Recognizing that we have reached our limits can be difficult, and we find asking for help to be even more difficult. But you have plenty of alters to delegate to. Maybe you can have someone else prioritize the requests?

In real life, it's impossible to please everyone too. How do you deal with it there? I know it's tough because I want to please everyone too.

This part I write as someone who feels as if she has lost ten years of her life to an addiction. I would not wish this experience on anyone. There are other ways to help people, even if not through a job, like volunteering (e.g., animal shelter, battered women's shelter, Big Brother/Sister, etc.). And as I know from "getting stuck" on this site myself a few times, when you hit the reload button, there are often times where nothing new appears.

Gerudo7 wrote:Cassandra, I definitely understand a lot of your frustrations. There've been days when I got fed up with being host and gone inside telling someone else to try.... But I hope you dont stay frustrated with them, they want to be themselves as much as you want to be you. And i hope things start to calm down for you guys soon.

But this hosting team idea seems pretty clever. Hopefully it'll help out with all this

I know they want to be themselves too, I just feel like I'm always the one giving up what I want for them.

It's been sorta working. Right now it kinda feels like we're keeping our legs running just so we don't fall down, but it's definitely not too bad, just a bit... wobbly? I guess? I dunno. Hard to explain. We're not doing badly, exactly, least not yet, but we're not doing that well, either.

Although I have to admit, having a break inside was nice.


-Cassandra

michiru7422 wrote:@Cassandra: We are glad that you were able to get your frustrations out. And we would like to say to Cassandra that just as Cassandra helps us, we want to be able to help Cassandra-nee-chan too. And we don't mean to make Cassandra feel guilty about this because it is fueled by our affection for her, but we're worried about Cassandra. Cassandra-nee-chan is an important person too who deserves everything that she wants to give to her alters too!

Thank you.

michiru7422 wrote:Yes, it is impossible. No one wants the same thing, and sometimes what they want is mutually exclusive. The job of host is incredibly demanding, which means you have to be especially vigilant about taking care of yourself. And Cassandra-nee-chan is such a good host that she tries so hard to be an even better host and burns self out on trying so hard. But ultimately, pushing oneself past one's limits like this is destructive. Recognizing that we have reached our limits can be difficult, and we find asking for help to be even more difficult. But you have plenty of alters to delegate to. Maybe you can have someone else prioritize the requests?

That's a good idea. I know we already try to do that, but maybe the "most often" requests need to get written out or something. I think that at this point, there's too much going inside, and a lot of "new" alters to me, but the ones that usually help me manage things are too busy taking care of the stuff inside so things are getting more overwhelming than usual for me. (We're all being a bit overworked at this point, but we agree. There definitely needs to be a change, ideas tried, something, and we will try our best to help with that).

michiru7422 wrote:In real life, it's impossible to please everyone too. How do you deal with it there? I know it's tough because I want to please everyone too.

Actually, I deal with it quite badly... I'm always trying to please everyone. It's actually a trigger for switching with me, too. I've learned that subconsciously, I'll assess the situation/environment, and then I'll usually end up switching, being co-conscious with, or co-hosting with the alter that best "fits" that situation/environment. I've also learned that I'm a bit of a compulsive liar just to help myself fit in (saying stuff like "I know what you're talking about" when I don't (not out of fear of seeming stupid or something, but for the need to fit in), or saying "I agree" when I don't, small lies like that).

michiru7422 wrote:This part I write as someone who feels as if she has lost ten years of her life to an addiction. I would not wish this experience on anyone. There are other ways to help people, even if not through a job, like volunteering (e.g., animal shelter, battered women's shelter, Big Brother/Sister, etc.). And as I know from "getting stuck" on this site myself a few times, when you hit the reload button, there are often times where nothing new appears.

I know there are other ways to help people, and I'm trying to look into those other ways, but to be honest, it's hard for me to help people in person (unless I'm friends with them), and it's especially hard (not only for me but for other alters) to change, and doing something new like volunteering is a huge change... (Not saying we won't try or anything, just stating that it's incredibly difficult and might not be an option for us right now, in the sense that it's a big change to start with).

When nothing new appears, I usually just do other things on the computer, and then come back every so often and refresh the page again. Or I look through my threads, often finding ones I meant to come back to and forgot to or something, and so sometimes I'll finally go back to threads I'd wanted to address but hadn't and stuff like that. But lately we've been learning to log off and leave it be.


-Cassandra

Sometimes hosts feel the most pressure internally externally.
I hope you find a way to keep from being overwhelmed.

Claureshia

Thank you Claureshia.

-Cassandra

Can any of the "new" alters help y'all out?

Do you know that you're lying? I don't usually... Have there been times when you could not please everyone? How did you deal with it then? Have there been times when you had to say no? What happened then?

Cassandra is very good at listening to and helping other people. What else is she good at?

I hope that things continue to improve for y'all.

michiru7422 wrote:Can any of the "new" alters help y'all out?

Most of the "new" alters seem to be little, or seem to not be able to help out much yet. And I'm not sure how much they understand about everything either...

michiru7422 wrote:Do you know that you're lying? I don't usually... Have there been times when you could not please everyone? How did you deal with it then? Have there been times when you had to say no? What happened then?

I almost always know I'm lying, either as the lie is leaving my mouth, or right after I've lied I usually think "Why did I just say that? That's a lie". (And no, it's not true for another alter, and it's not another alter saying it through me or anything, it's all me). There have been times when I could not please everyone. I...usually fall apart, to be honest. I either please one person and go through emotional torment over the other, and usually end up trying to please them later and apologizing and such, or I explode and literally fall apart, crying and ranting about how I'm sorry and how I want to do what they want equally and I just want everyone to be happy and stuff like that... As for the times where I need to say no, usually Kat or someone else says "no" for me, or lets me try to say no and then if I'm not doing it in time or something, they either force me to say "no" or they force their way out enough to say "no" for me...

michiru7422 wrote:Cassandra is very good at listening to and helping other people. What else is she good at?

I hope that things continue to improve for y'all.

Um... I don't really know... I guess I'm... well I don't really know... (You know not all talent is designated to certain alters only. And we are indeed parts of you. You can share the talents that have been discovered "mainly belong" to us, and you do have talents of your own). Well... um... (I shall help, dear. You are good at writing, you are a fantastic reader, and you are very good at bringing people together that normally would not interact with each other. You are good at socializing). Um... thanks, Rain...


- Cassandra

Cassandra is a really, really nice person.

Can I ask what you think would happen if you disagreed with someone? What do you think would happen if everyone wasn't happy?

michiru7422 wrote:Cassandra is a really, really nice person.

Can I ask what you think would happen if you disagreed with someone? What do you think would happen if everyone wasn't happy?

Thank you.

I think i actually disagree with people a lot. I usually just don't voice it, or I don't show it, or I end up compulsively lying and agreeing with them anyway...

Deep down I know logically that everyone isn't happy, but I'm pretty much focused on "keeping the peace", and trying to make everyone happy, and pleasing everyone. Not consciously, usually, I've just come to be able to notice it as it happens and when I look back on things and such.

-Cassandra