Sick Of This!! (Maybe Trigger)

**MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING*: Angry ranting ahead. Please be advised that Shay does not mean to offend, nor hurt, nor upset anyone and simply needs to vent. Please understand that this is spoken out of pure emotion and most of what she says she does not truly/fully/entirely mean.**

shay
sick!!

sick
of
all
this!!

sick
of
our
denial!!

sick
of
everyone
elses
denial!!


sick
of
people
on
here
doubting
selves!!

shay
know
it
hard
to
believe!!

just
believe!!

so
much
proof
right
there!!!!

right
there!!!!!!!


right
for
you
to
see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

shay
not
understand!!!!!


not
not
not
understand!!!!!!!!!!!


shay
sick
of
this
site!!!


shay
tired
of
cassandra
being
here
all
time!!!!


shay
sick
of
cassandra
always
being
on
site
all
time
all
day!!!


shay
sick
of
others
that
think
they
made
selves
have
DID
from
reading
about
it!!!


shay
tired
of
cassandra
explaining
same
things
over
and
over
and
over
again!!!!


shay
tired
of
new
people
with
same
old
questions!!!


shay
tired
and
sick
and
tired
of
all!!!!


DID
IS
REAL!!

THIS
IS
REAL!!!

ALTERS
ARE
REAL!!!

LOOK
AT
PROOF!!


LOOK
AT
IT!!!

ACCEPT!!

ACCEPT!!!

ACCEPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


IF
NOT
ACCEPT
LEAST
BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN
BELIEVE
WITHOUT
FULLY
ACCEPT!!

PROOF
RIGHT
THERE!!!

RIGHT
IN
FRONT
OF
FACE!!!


RIGHT
IN
FRONT
OF
EYES!!!

PROOF
IN
YOUR
OWN
POSTS
AND
MESSAGES
AND
EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

PROOF
IN
YOUR
OWN
SYMPTOMS
AND
EXPERIENCES
AND
EVERYTHING!!!!

PROOF
IS
EVERYWHRE!!!!

LOOK
AT
BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


PLEASE!!!!!

Please
please
please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


stop
stupid
cycle.

STOP.

it
REAL.

proof
NEVER
GOING
AWAY.

alters
NEVER
GOING
AWAY.

and
doubt
and
denial
only
keep
you
from
healing
and
progressing!!!!


SHAY
HATE
THE
SAME
QUESTIONS
AND
WORRIES
AND
DOUBTS
THAT
HAPPEN
AND
GET
SAID
OVER
AND
OVER
AND
OVER
AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


IT
SAME
THING!!

LOOK
AROUND
YOU!!

EVERYONE
ELSE
SAYING
SAME
THING!!!

MUST
MEAN
THERE
SOMETHING
TO
THAT
AT
LEAST!!!


OPEN
EYES!!

LOOK!

READ!

PROOF
ALL
AROUND!!

BELIEVE!!!

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




shay
SICK
of
cassandra
helping
everyone
else
on
here!!!


we
need
help!!


we
broken!!

shay
sick
of
cassandra
putting
strangers
ahead
of
us!!

ahead
of
our
life!!!

SHAY
SICK
OF
IT!!!!


WE
NOT
RESPONSIBLE
TO
HELP
EVERY
SINGLE
PERSON!!!!


WE
NOT
EVERYONES
PERSONAL
THERAPIST!!!


SHAY
DONE!!!

SHAY
SICK
OF
IT
ALL!!!


SHAY
TIRED
OF
IT
ALL!!


DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





~s
h
a
y~

-safe hugs if wanted- A lot of people don't understand, but you do, clearly. Our system is proud of you for expressing yourself here--you don't need to be responsible for everyone, though I know at least our system has learned a lot from yours. Keep your head up, it will be okay.

- hold her arms out for Shay to get a loving and understanding hug and cuddle - I understand, I know how you feel, its alright. we're here to help you, you can always pm us and we will be here for you

This isn't what Shay wants to hear, I think, but me for one, I appreciate Cassandra's posts, even if they say the same thing over and over again.

I think it's just that for some parts, don't/can't know. For us, Normal so think no problem. Forget all of things that happen. Ignore/invalidate own experience for so long is habit, so erase alters from memory (but still there). All of outside is ignore/invalidate. Is you who does this thing (but I did not - I don't remember - is alter don't know about).

On the other hand, I don't think Cassandra NEEDS to help everyone. It may be worth it for Cassandra to ask herself why she has to. What she thinks would happen if she didn't. Seriously ask to get an answer, whether logical or not.

And I think it's worth it to consider the idea that if you're in trouble, you can't continue to help people. Heal self first. Hard this. Healer, heal thyself and all that. And to be honest, only y'all can really KNOW what y'all need to be able to ask for that specifically from someone else. Is hard when don't know what need. But no one else can say.

And y'all are not broken. Me saying that probably isn't going to change anything, but I believe that. People aren't broken (unless in hospital with casts); they only think they are. And if it doesn't, know that broken things can look prettier than before broken and look up kintsugi.

Please let me know if you can't understand this post...

Mae the First wrote:-safe hugs if wanted- A lot of people don't understand, but you do, clearly. Our system is proud of you for expressing yourself here--you don't need to be responsible for everyone, though I know at least our system has learned a lot from yours. Keep your head up, it will be okay.

tdcfvgh. hgefd. xseddrf. okjhgytgf. poiuyg.



sderfghuj.



...

And a very big steam powered giraffe what smokes
And a very big steam powered giraffe what smokes

Da da da da-da. Da da da da-da. Da-da-da-da da. da-da-da-da da. da da da da-da. da da da da-da. da-da-da-da da. da-da-da da n da da.



^^*song lyrics*^^



...

shay's having trouble not just repeating the song lyrics that rain says were "catchy" to shay which is why she's repeating them over and over again a lot. shay does this with a lot of songs. espeshialy if it's a new song she ends up liking. or some lyrics from it. anyway, i'm gonna kinda help her reply.

shay doesn't like hugs or being touched. her hugs are more like quiet high-fives. just like, putting your hands together for a second, flat like if you were gonna high-5, that's what shay does instead of hugs. so, high-5 instead?

she thanks you and says she's not the one who feels oboglat-obol- obligated to help. she says it's cassandra. and she says she hopes cassandra realizes she dusn't hafta help everyone.

she thanks you again.



-cassie & shay

DarkDreamer19 wrote:- hold her arms out for Shay to get a loving and understanding hug and cuddle - I understand, I know how you feel, its alright. we're here to help you, you can always pm us and we will be here for you

(those faces are from shay)

she asks high five instead? (rain says touching is really uncomfertable for shay. she says that sumtimes it's so much um, sensery overlord that it can, um, almost kinda hurt shay, kinda like when sumone's sunburned and you touch the sunburn you know? kinda like that. sumtimes i kinda feel bad and wish that she culd be ok with being touched... )

shay thanks you. a lot.


-cassie & shay

michiru7422 wrote:This isn't what Shay wants to hear, I think, but me for one, I appreciate Cassandra's posts, even if they say the same thing over and over again.

shay understands this kinda. she knows that you can't expect everyone to see the same threads/posts so there's going to be lots of the same questions asked sumtimes. but it's still annoying even thou it's ineva-inav- inevatable.

michiru7422 wrote:I think it's just that for some parts, don't/can't know. For us, Normal so think no problem. Forget all of things that happen. Ignore/invalidate own experience for so long is habit, so erase alters from memory (but still there). All of outside is ignore/invalidate. Is you who does this thing (but I did not - I don't remember - is alter don't know about).

shay dusn't understand this part that good...

michiru7422 wrote:On the other hand, I don't think Cassandra NEEDS to help everyone. It may be worth it for Cassandra to ask herself why she has to. What she thinks would happen if she didn't. Seriously ask to get an answer, whether logical or not.

shay says cassandra feels like she needs to help everyone, always, all the time, whenever she's possibly able to and however she's able to. she says that when she asks cassandra why, cassandra says she just has to, but she dusn't know why, she just feels like she needs to help everyone if she can.

michiru7422 wrote:And I think it's worth it to consider the idea that if you're in trouble, you can't continue to help people. Heal self first. Hard this. Healer, heal thyself and all that. And to be honest, only y'all can really KNOW what y'all need to be able to ask for that specifically from someone else. Is hard when don't know what need. But no one else can say.

shay says others are trying to make cassandra realize that we need to focus more on ourselves. rain says she thinks cassandra might be feeling selfish or something in some way maybe. shay says we need therapy. and i know a lot of the others say we do too. rain says we've done enuff self-help and work on our own, at this point we need a bit of help and therapy and processing and stuff.

michiru7422 wrote:And y'all are not broken. Me saying that probably isn't going to change anything, but I believe that. People aren't broken (unless in hospital with casts); they only think they are. And if it doesn't, know that broken things can look prettier than before broken and look up kintsugi.

shay meant that there is sumthing wrong with us that we need to fix when she said we were broken. and what she means by that is that we're having trubbles staying stable and relying on ourselves at this point in our progrus-progra- progresion. so basicaly what she means is that we need to realize that we need therapy.

michiru7422 wrote:Please let me know if you can't understand this post...

we tryed to do so. thanks for your reply.

-cassie & shay

*high fives for Shay!*

We're sorry for making Cassandra answer those same things again, but our host is confused and frustrated and needed to hear it. She'd seen the same posts before, but she couldn't believe they applied to her, and it wasn't until she made an account here and let us post in our own words that she had any clear/hard evidence in front of her, that she could see when we'd all retreated. It was all /very/ new and overwhelming to her, and very kind of Cassandra to help us out, but it seems it was very unkind to you, and we're sorry about that.

We didn't even know you were there. We're not used to talking to other people like us. We'll try to be better about it in the future.

In the meantime, go do something fun for you. Maybe tell Cassandra that you need her help and love right now, if she always needs to help people. I'm the same way, myself, and not because I'm feeling selfish or guilty; just because the world needs a lot more love and compassion in it, and I want to provide that.

It's only for the last couple of days or so, since we all really came into awareness of each other, that I've been allowed to comfort the littles in here. But as soon as I knew that they were real and needed my help and love, they took priority over outsiders. Maybe Cassandra could do the same?

- Gives Shay a super high - five then -

here you go little Buddy, I hope your feeling better and things work you like you want them too.

~ Kim ~

*hi-fives* I'm sorry that you're so frustrated with this I agree that Cassandra should be getting help for you guys instead of just giving other systems advice... Though it is helpful, you guys don't need to feel like you're being put last.

TheHost wrote:*high fives for Shay!*

We're sorry for making Cassandra answer those same things again, but our host is confused and frustrated and needed to hear it. She'd seen the same posts before, but she couldn't believe they applied to her, and it wasn't until she made an account here and let us post in our own words that she had any clear/hard evidence in front of her, that she could see when we'd all retreated. It was all /very/ new and overwhelming to her, and very kind of Cassandra to help us out, but it seems it was very unkind to you, and we're sorry about that.

We didn't even know you were there. We're not used to talking to other people like us. We'll try to be better about it in the future.

In the meantime, go do something fun for you. Maybe tell Cassandra that you need her help and love right now, if she always needs to help people. I'm the same way, myself, and not because I'm feeling selfish or guilty; just because the world needs a lot more love and compassion in it, and I want to provide that.

It's only for the last couple of days or so, since we all really came into awareness of each other, that I've been allowed to comfort the littles in here. But as soon as I knew that they were real and needed my help and love, they took priority over outsiders. Maybe Cassandra could do the same?

not
thehosts
fault.

no
need
be
sorry.

it
come
from
more
than
just
thehost.

no
be
sorry.

cassandra
know
we
real.

shay
told
cassandra
about
shays
thoughts.

cassandra
have
problem.

cassandra
say
she
understand
and
will
work
on
then
it
not
work
and
not
get
better.

shay
sick
hearing
others
like
cassie
pout
because
cassandra
stay
on
here
all
day
and
not
go
outside
and
miss
sunshine.




~s
h
a
y~

DarkDreamer19 wrote:- Gives Shay a super high - five then -

here you go little Buddy, I hope your feeling better and things work you like you want them too.

~ Kim ~

*high
5*

thank.

shay
feel
bit
better
but
cassandra
better
live
by
clock
least
little
bit
today!

yes
you!
shay
know
you
can
see!

you
read
and
you
take
in
and
you
not
get
stuck
on
here!


~s
h
a
y~

Gerudo7 wrote:*hi-fives* I'm sorry that you're so frustrated with this I agree that Cassandra should be getting help for you guys instead of just giving other systems advice... Though it is helpful, you guys don't need to feel like you're being put last.

*high
5*

kat
says
cassandra
seems
addicted
to
helping.

If I may shed a bit more light on the situation, I would like to make it clear that this all started after we realized there was not much we could do for ourselves. We had not found a job, despite giving it our best efforts for quite some time; we had not been able to get back into therapy, and had not yet found a way for us to do so that would work for us; and at the time this started, we were living in a house we did not like, being forced to move in with Mike after losing our job (actually due to a DID-related incident), cramped with 3 other roommates and often their girlfriends as well. Due to a few alters not only have social anxieties, but phobias of loud noises, strange people, etc., we began to stay in our room until Mike would come home from work, and for our self-therapy, we began to come on this site everyday, and began to stay on it until Mike came home from work. I noticed that Cassandra seemed to adopt the mindset of, "Well, if I can't really help myself, I can at least help others", and she also was finding it helpful to feel things such as accomplishment and doing something worthwhile for the day. If she could not accomplish finding a job, at least she could accomplish helping someone in a meaningful way, at least, that was her thinking, and it fit the situation we were in at the time.

But now that we are not in that situation anymore, nothing has changed, though it should and needs to. It seems as if Cassandra has, for lack of a better word, forgotten how to go about daily life after getting into such a strong habit of coming on here, staying on here, using it for self-therapy and helping others, and giving us a place where we could interact with others like us.

Despite this, most of us did not have much of a problem with it because we were allowed to interact with others on here, make connections, vent about our own things, etc. It is when it became "help others only" oriented that we began to have a problem with Cassandra being on this site all the time. Because now, not only is our life unbalanced, but our activities on here are unbalanced as well, with Cassandra mainly focusing only on helping others instead of letting us post as we wish, like Cassie wishing to post in the Littles' thread.

The problem is, Cassandra and others have now gotten so used to this routine that everyday life seems overwhelming and impossible to do, and it does not help that there never feels like there is enough time in the day when we do try to go about doing things that we either need to do or want to do. To avoid all the unpleasantness that usually comes with attempting to go back to a healthier routine, Cassandra usually ends up giving in to her depression and simply sticks with the routine she's become accustomed to, which is getting up, getting on here, and staying on here for pretty much the whole day, every day.

However, this is not entirely Cassandra's fault. Having so many alters new to conscious awareness includes now having many different thoughts, many different interests, many different things that are being focused on, many different priorities, different time frames for some, and many different desires. I believe that it is not only Cassandra who needs help in learning how to get back to a healthier routine, but I believe that many of these "new discoveries" need help in learning how to go about everyday life, or at least learn how to let Cassandra go about it herself. I also believe that having so many different thoughts and whatnot is also what is overwhelming Cassandra and making everyday life seem so overwhelming and difficult to attempt returning to. So, there are actually many things we, as a whole, need to work on, and it is not just Cassandra who needs to work on getting into a healthier routine. Although I do believe she does indeed have a problem, and I do suspect that she is not only addicted to this site, but to helping people on here, and so that is probably the issue we shall begin to address first, because if we do not, Cassandra will simply be resenting change all the more, having a mindset of "I can't do that, I need to get back on my site". I do not yet have ideas for how to help her with these addictions, but I will be speaking with our boyfriend Michael about possible ways to help "wean" her off of this site and helping people on here all the time.


~Rain

thank
Gerudo7.


~s
h
a
y~

I apologize for my part in this Shay. *Hi fives for you* I still have to say Thank you to Cassandra though. She has helped me understand a lot about myself, and has brought me peace of mind. This is something I have not been able to enjoy for quite some time.

Shay You have every right to be upset over being ignored. Maybe you should suggest a time frame for every one else to post and live life... Just a thought... Sorry if it offends... Um kinda Zoning out now so I'll leave it at this...

-- Sat Feb 16, 2013 3:03 pm --

I apologize for my part in this Shay. *Hi fives for you* I still have to say Thank you to Cassandra though. She has helped me understand a lot about myself, and has brought me peace of mind. This is something I have not been able to enjoy for quite some time.

Shay You have every right to be upset over being ignored. Maybe you should suggest a time frame for every one else to post and live life... Just a thought... Sorry if it offends... Um kinda Zoning out now so I'll leave it at this...