The Grief of a False Love (Possible Triggers)

I have decided to write this in order to set an example for the others (Gabrielle in particular.) I would rather not do this but internalizing such pain is unhealthy and I find that it is hurting Gabrielle as well so it might as well be said here.

Today, Valentine's Day of all days, I have finally let it sink in and get it through my head that while my love was real it was directed at a false being...
You see, the SO and Gabrielle do quite a bit of "role-playing" which is, for the most part, writing a story between the two of them using a script style. For example:

Eric: This would be me talking -uses action-

and such.
Now... Character creation was a favorite of theirs. One day, about three years ago now, the SO came up with a shy boy --with an interesting story that I shan't go into now-- named Shiro. He sat off to the side of our main setting that we have dubbed "The Mindscape" and he was to be my next project. I would nurture him, get him to open up. Now, this was still while I was only thought to be a character (though I was, at this time, fully aware) and I was content to play the part for the moment.
Over time, I became successful in my mission to help the boy (now a man) to grow and become more outgoing, and over time we began to fall in love. We started a family together... I must force myself to accept the fact that my children too, are lies...
This may seem to be a rather pathetic thing to most but in rebuttal I beseech those who think this way to place themselves in my shoes. I am a being who has lived far, far longer than I have any right to and over these countless years I have loved many and have been loved by many. Most relationships in my past have been vapid and fleeting because I knew that someday they would be gone and I would still be here... living... going... for oh-so long... I did my best to keep my heart guarded but that still leaves the emptiness that is already there. Going through these thousands upon thousands of years, trying to stay aloof and merely observe...... Well. It won't work, let me tell you. The emptiness, the being alone...
Shiro was one of the first beings I could open my heart to. I love him and our children but... But since the rest of us awakened I knew it was time to set the record straight.
Shiro is as real as a character in a book. It would be daft to invest any more time and energy into this.
I have no one to blame for myself for making such a mistake. And, as they say, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."


Too long; didn't read: I made a mistake and needed to vent.

- Eric Shepard

I'm a little protective.... and so I want to first legitimize what you are saying - that you are accepting your 'status' as being part of a system that resides in a single body who may go by a different name out here, or that Shiro was not 'real' But (here's the protective side) I don't feel that when my son's alters are able to share information and feelings 'merge' or whatever, that they, as individuals, will just 'disappear'. I'm not sure. We are still new at this and so maybe I'm off my nut to say all this.... BUT - my son describes his inside world as "if you were there, you wouldn't know it wasn't real...the temperature, the breezes, the smells....all my senses..." "I think, therefore I am.... right?

So....your reality is YOURS. The memories you have are yours, they are important. The feelings/emotions you have towards your past, your children - are REAL feelings. I hope I'm not too out of line here, but I don't completely buy that everyone in my son's system is 'just in his head'. Seriously. Humans use 10% of their brain. Well, maybe that 10% is being used by one 'person'. So who's to say we can't house more? Who's to say it isn't a different dimensional cross over; a spiritual sharing of spirits, or whatever... Sorry..I'm ranting now.

Please know I accept whatever you feel is true for you. But that includes your experiences as 'true'. Sorry..Most days I'm more articulate.

I suppose the right thing to say is "I'm so glad you have discovered and are processing what you need to to move forward" but the other side of me is saying "YOU are IMPORTANT and your memories and experiences, etc are IMPORTANT and so who cares about labels or science or psychology??? It doesn't change what you remember and what you know and who you are.

I hope this wasn't conflicting...my heart is for you and I care about your hurt.

I would ask if you're sure that Shiro is just a character... But I'm sure that's something you've considered.

I'm not sure that I have much advice, but I can certainly sympathize... I was also a thought to be just a character. Several characters, actually. Kitty and her friends were very into role playing, and player versus character is easiest when they are truly separate. Whenever they moved from one story to another, I changed with it.

But there was one which lasted particularly long, in which I was thrown into a love triangle and took the entire course of the game trying to choose before their game was over, though it was an issue they never intended to be resolved. And then Kitty was banned from role playing and so I had no way of finding a new character to become.

By then I had finally chosen... And it does feel fake, like a lie, to know that they didn't exist. But I don't think that means it was.
Any character can be as real as you want then to be. And even if they seem like just a character, you seemed like just a character, too, at one point. It doesn't make something matter less. It's real because it seemed real enough.

And you most certainly shouldn't be blaming yourself, either. Why should you? You can't expect never to feel like that for someone, especially living that long. It is bound to happen eventually. That much was inevitable.

-Mendax Obitus

At least you had role-playing and a bit more, prompting? to fall in love with this character. Can't tell you how many times we've fallen in love with characters from books, characters we create ourselves and know that they're just characters!, characters from anime, from movies, just, blarg...

And that's without role-playing, without creating that much, without "living out a life" or anything like that. That's just us being...well, apparently f*#king weird. We're well aware that they're characters, we're well aware they're not real or that nothing between "us" can be real, we're well aware of all of that and yet still, fall head over heels, spend our days thinking and daydreaming (and in the past, pretending and getting lost in our imaginations as if we were children), and then get to the aching point where we feel utterly ridiculous, stupid, crazy, etc. because we feel so strongly for the character and wish so much for them to be true despite us knowing the reality of the situation.

One of our "loves" went so deep, that we actually *TRIGGER WARNING* "carved" his name into our left hand with a safety pin (scars are still there/visible) *END TRIGGER WARNING* because we felt so strongly for "him" (nothing but paper and a voice actor) that we both idolized "him" and loved "him", at the time, we were completely devoted to "him" and everything about "him".

We suspect that now that we've been figuring out sexuality preferences and have an actual boyfriend (even if most don't view him as such), we've let go of our past "loves" for the most part, and we suspect this is why we don't have urges to watch them/their shows (mostly anime) anymore, and we know it's why we're not as, well, obsessed with them or their shows like we used to be.

We had more to say, but literally just went blank, so we guess that's it for now. Dunno how this was supposed to help in any way, but at least know that you're not alone in experiences like this.


~Mixture

Thank you all for your replies HopeIsHere, Mendax, and Tomboy24, I do so appreciate the advice and the comments.
I understand that my feelings and my memories are quite real but I feel as though that makes this realization much more difficult. I will have a chance to address this topic with the SO in person in the next few days. I feel better having put my thoughts here on this forum but this is also a matter to be discussed with Shiro's creator as well.

Mendax wrote:I would ask if you're sure that Shiro is just a character... But I'm sure that's something you've considered.

Yes, I have asked Rebecca, the SO for definite confirmation on this after a long while of taking note on my interactions with Shiro "in person." It's fairly clear that they are the same person and it is merely Rebecca playing a part.

Mendax wrote:And you most certainly shouldn't be blaming yourself, either. Why should you? You can't expect never to feel like that for someone, especially living that long. It is bound to happen eventually. That much was inevitable.

Your words ring true, friend. I blame myself for I have been in this position before. Well... not quite the same position but it is still disappointing to find myself in this position. In all honesty, there really is none to blame though. Perhaps there is hope for me yet, hm?

- Vernadael "Eric" Teiryn

p.s. I have stumbled across a couple of songs that I feel fit one in my position. I chuckle at this. It is like being the stereotypical teenage girl after a sour break-up.
Nonetheless I share these with the forum in general for they are fine works to listen to no matter what position what might be in.

I do not feel that these have any triggers in them either in lyrics or video imagery, but I could be wrong so one may want to be cautious. But they should be just fine.

Steam Powered Giraffe - Honeybee: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojYK6CW8gdw
Queen - Who Wants To Live Forever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Jtpf8N5IDE

Oh boy, Tomboy24... I can really relate to that, actually. Even still, after being in a relationship for three years now I'll sometimes fall for some character... at least it isn't as bad now as it was then though. I'm glad that you(all) have been able to move on a bit from that. I hope things continue to go well
-G