Host Splitting and Diffusion *TRIGGER WARNING*

Some time ago--I donno... let's just say, a year... I had what my therapist later described as a near-death experience. I was upset and confused, which is a dangerous emotional cocktail, but more than that I was totally lost in my self. I drank heavily, took way too many pain killers and laid down with some objects and some glasses on that I got from my sister's house. I thought I was going to die. As I laid there, I lost all sense of time, I dissociated, which previously I had only mostly experienced when my "abuser" alter was hurting me.

During that time, something strange happened to me that I didn't understand. It was like I disappeared and that some other person had taken my place. I felt it, like he had "crossed over" from somewhere else, and literally entered my body. When my partner at the time came home, and got me up, I felt like someone else. The room looked unfamiliar to me. I had a different name.

Later, I took a walk and it was like I was learning about this new place I was in. And I had slightly different memories. Even my friends said that I did seem like a different person, and it bothered them. At that time, I didn't know about my other parts, or that I had DID. I didn't know that the disturbing shadow and the screaming I sometimes heard in my head was an alter. I didn't know why I would pick up a razor and cut myself.

Now, I'm faced with a mystery. After a long time, I felt like I was deteriorating, like my self was losing energy. Parts of my body didn't seem like they were mine any longer. And there was one night, when I had the notion of cutting my hand off, on instinct, because it didn't seem to be mine. I felt like I was shrinking away. But I was worried about what would happen if I let myself dissolve.

Anyway, I decided to let it happen, and when I did, I dissociated and then fell back. when I stood up again, I felt like I was gone, and I felt empty. Since then my memory has been worse. The host alter that was Dave diffused, and other parts split off from him. I have an opposing alter, who is very different from me but more integral than the other parts, as in host-material. I suspect that he split off from Dave, and the remainder of Dave was fused into me. So, in a sense, we seem like opposites and I think that event may be why.

-- Is there such a thing as splitting? (Possibly Triggery, discusses DID development): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101763.html

-- A question about alter "creation": http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100271.html

-- ANPs, EPs, DID, and tertiary dissociation (Possibly Triggery, discusses DID structure): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic102340.html

-- I, a host, a part just like the others? (Possibly Triggery):http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101732.html

-- What makes me the host? (Possible Trigger Warning): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101850.html)


(Ignoring the "splitting" topic)...

We think what you may be experiencing is either integration with some alters or blending. Other than that, not sure what you're looking for (other than to help organize your own thoughts) with this post.

-Mixture

I'm familiar with those threads.
I'm not sure that anyone is or isn't integrating. But I do know that when you yourself fuses with a separate part, you are very aware that you have become integrated and you have their feelings and memory included into your own part. I don't feel like Dave completely fused into me. I have a huge loss of memory after the night that it happened. And I don't remember anything for days, weeks, perhaps months after that. I think it's because my opposite alter, the one that I think came out of that event, but who also existed before Dave appeared, a year prior.

Disassociation is often an abnormal coping mechanism for Cognitive Dissonance. Do these separate selves want different things than you? If so, you want those things, and whatever it may be, it'll be necessary for you to come to grips with these unexpressed / unknown desires.

I'm all too familiar with the sensation of having something else control my body (I've let it happen out of convenience before. ) When I want it to stop, all I need to do is want it hard enough. Rousing enough panic or adrenaline will usually snap my body back into focus, but not 100% of the time.

Wondering why or how these schisms occurred will get you nowhere... Take them for parts of yourself, and use them as mirrors. Alters are just like other people... they can be figured out and reasoned with, unless they're expressing some lizard-brained violence within you. Controlling your alters just means controlling yourself.

ƒrosty wrote:Disassociation is often an abnormal coping mechanism for Cognitive Dissonance. Do these separate selves want different things than you? If so, you want those things, and whatever it may be, it'll be necessary for you to come to grips with these unexpressed / unknown desires.

I'm all too familiar with the sensation of having something else control my body (I've let it happen out of convenience before. ) When I want it to stop, all I need to do is want it hard enough. Rousing enough panic or adrenaline will usually snap my body back into focus, but not 100% of the time.

Wondering why or how these schisms occurred will get you nowhere... Take them for parts of yourself, and use them as mirrors. Alters are just like other people... they can be figured out and reasoned with, unless they're expressing some lizard-brained violence within you. Controlling your alters just means controlling yourself.

This helped me to realize that parcels or pieces of Dave have remained, and that I can probably find out what happened to him by focusing on how he felt and what he wanted, because those were things that the personality wants and feels in its entirety. When I think about Dave as a part I can feel where he used to be, and it can be really confusing when all these parts get muddled. Maybe internalizing how he felt and what he thought will clarify things.

I know that they hide from me. Do you think he may be hiding to serve a different purpose?

TempestSue wrote:I know that they hide from me. Do you think he may be hiding to serve a different purpose?

I'm not sure. I haven't been able to work with my therapist enough to figure out exactly what happened when I came back. Who knows for sure at this point? I can't say for sure that he isn't hiding, because I don't know what happened to him, nor can I remember what it felt like at the time I regained control.

The only thing I know is that he split off from me when I nearly died. For awhile, he speculated that I had indeed died, but after close consideration he admitted that I still existed, and he explained to his friend that I was in a dark "limbo."