Crisis?

So it's been a few months since I've posted here. I thought we were all good, but I need help.

I keep upsetting C. By saying I don't have DID. But he brought up a very good point: why do I always pass off symptoms of DID by saying everyone has that, but when Zack or I have a moment where we think we have AIDS or cancer or something, its solely us?

I don't remember most of my childhood unless something triggers a memory. That's normal with most people, right? But when I do, I only remember details, not the experience. And I always see it like its 35mm film shot from multiple angles. I never see it from a first person point of view, and when I do on rare occasions, I only see it at a choppy 7-8 FPS in my mind, like a CSI flashback or something.

But I don't remember having sex with Kelsey at all. And yet I think I remember her voice. It plays in my head like a flash, but its there. You know how when you speed read and you don't read every word in your head out loud, but you still "hear" it? That's her voice. And I only remember sexual moments C has remembered in the past, nothing beyond that. Just the best of clips, no full video.

I haven't had a depersonalization moment in a while, but I know at least I have (or had) that.

But C found a woman on Craigslist, and we met up with her in a hotel by the mall, and I remember saying to him "C. You want to take over?" And he said "Oh, yeah, sure!". But I don't remember any sex. Just the clips he remembers. I don't even think I was in front then, but then why would I say that?

I also don't black out, ever. I will do things, forget I did them, but when I come back to them later, I forgot what I did. And it sounds like something anyone else has, but then Brian will remember he was shopping or C was telling (terrible) jokes, and the memory is there again!

At the same time, these guys have been with me for over 2 years now, and I know them very well. They are the most fleshed out characters I know, and I know quite a few. I know everything about them, and they know everything about me. And every once in a while, someone will say something that I would have never thought of, and I go "Well, I guess I have DID, cause their is no other explanation", but when I think back on the fact I don't black out or I only remember bits the alters remember, I slip back into "I dunno".

I want to put this to rest. I scored a 72 on the DES in 2006 and 80 something in 2012. That has to be proof, right? So why can't I just convince myself. If they are real, I keep hurting C. by implying that he isn't.

Please help. Thanks.

Nic, you say you never "black out". If you did, what do you think that experience would be like? What do you think blacking out involves?

I kind of imagined it as doing something then suddenly waking up somewhere else or doing something else. But it's more like if Brian is at WinCo shopping, I will remember bits of it, but not the whole thing.

These threads might be helpful to you:

-- I'm done lying *Possibly Triggering* (deals with denial, has positive feedback from others) (possibly triggering): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98729.html

-- Done living this lie (deals with strong denial, anger, and arguing; has supportive replies from others) (triggering: read with caution):[url] dissociative-identity/topic97494.html
[/url]
-- Internal Conflict (deals with denial, arguing, communication, and understanding) (possibly slightly triggering): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic96506.html


-- I can't switch: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101893.html
(Not everyone with DID is the same, this includes for switching, losing time, etc.)

-- Any tips/ideas on how to recognize when I'm losing time?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101242.html

-- Long vs short switches: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic103012.html (Some switches can be so short, there's no noticeable time loss, like mere seconds or minutes).

-- Not losing time or blacking out, what's wrong with me? (possibly triggering): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97504.html

-- DID without amnesia ("main" content pages 2-3) (possibly slightly triggering): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic95529.html

-- Is anyone like this in their DID? : http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic93929.html

-- Emotional amnesia? : http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic95922.html



It's important to realize/recognize that doubt/denial is often a subconscious defensive mechanism meant to help hide the DID/alters again so that you can go back to seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible. Remember, the whole point of a DID system is to help the host cope and function while seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible. If the DID/alters are obvious, if lost time is obvious, that isn't helping you to seem as "normal" or "ok" as possible, so the alters try to hide, including hiding symptoms from being obvious, hiding switches from being obvious, hiding anything they can from being obvious/noticed by anyone, including the host.


-Cassandra

I have blackouts. I don't wake up in another place (except once during Christmas), I don't wake up to my house different. That doesn't mean I don't have blackouts. The most I have is coming into a conversation without knowing what is being talking about, and a couple times it being just me and my husband and suddenly my brother-in-law was there.

Blackouts, at least for me, are mostly an afterthought. You are pretty sure you know what happened during the day, then you suddenly realize: hey, I don't remember this or that. That is very normal. Does this mean DID? Maybe not, but it's a very big symptom of DID. I understand you're going through denial, but you have to face the facts: moments like those don't happen to everyone.

wronglesson wrote:Blackouts, at least for me, are mostly an afterthought. You are pretty sure you know what happened during the day, then you suddenly realize: hey, I don't remember this or that. That is very normal. Does this mean DID? Maybe not, but it's a very big symptom of DID.

This is it exactly. This is what I experience.

Then that's a sign of DID, and should be added to the list of things that help "prove" you have DID. Any symptoms, dissociative experiences, reasons for why DID "fits", etc., and signs like this one should be either stored away in memory or written down or recorded in a list to help you remind yourself of what is real/true and how this is indeed DID, or at the very least, DDNOS-1.

-Cassandra