(trigger)Stockholm type thing?

Today I had my therapy appt and we discussed how I really am not good at discerning between trustful people and untrustful people and how I'm "too forgiving". How I just tend to just "get over" stuff. Like it didn't even happen. Like for example my mom basically neglected me emotionally for 23 years and then overnight she decided to be a mom and overnight I decided I was okay with that. I am 25 now.

And that in the end I don't really, really trust anybody. That I treat untrustful people the same as I treat trustful people and I can't discern the difference. And that because I can't discern the difference I just tend to create a wide chasm between me and everybody else and isolate myself.



We discussed how my abuser lives about 1-2 miles away from me and we live in the middle of nowhere and in order to get into town he has to come by my development everyday to get to the main road that takes you into town. Last appt I told her I was okay with this and that I felt just fine with it. She said I should not be okay with this. I am unlisted in the phone book, so he doesn't know where I live. And that I was also okay with being friends with his niece. His niece does not know where I live and I have taken precautionary measures to make sure I don't mention it on facebook or allow acquaintances to discuss it. She got really worried and said that I shouldn't be okay with this stuff.

She then got upset that I tend to use the internet for my form of socialization. Which I didn't really see as a problem. It helps me to keep a distance between people. And that at the end of the day I can just "shut them down". And if I don't want to talk, I can keep them shut down for days on end.

This part is triggering, sorry.
At the end of the session I was so upset that she considered this stuff so horrible. That I just forgave my mom, and live a mile from my abuser and use the internet for socialization and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I have this weird stockholm thing where I'm not only okay living within a mile of my abuser, but that sometimes I want to be closer to him. That if he asked me to I'd follow him anywhere. And yet I know how sick this is. I've been estranged from him since I was ten. She was so upset about me living near him and I just wanted to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING!? I WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM!" And I know that makes me a terrible person and I know that's disgusting. But I just can't help it. I don't know what's wrong with me.

You may have a deep feeling that he was the one who created your personality, your system of multiple identities. Because of this you would have more than just a Stockholm dependence upon him, but an integral dependence.

On the other hand, it could be that you as an alter feel a patronage to him because of your individual creation. It may be possible to understand whether the former is true, the latter, a combination thereof or something inbetween the two... by investigating within your system, and by learning what your other parts think about him, and more importantly, how they feel.

This does not make you a terrible person, and it's a perfectly understandable, and sometimes common, response to have towards an abuser. But it should be recognized as unhealthy, and refrained from being acted upon at all costs.

*Trigger Warning*
My "main" abuser was my dad. So I both love and hate him at the same time. At first, I refused to leave him, and I did things like keeping quiet, lying, etc., to reduce any risk of me being taken away from him, from him being seen as a "bad dad", etc. Over time, though, I realized how unhealthy he was for me, how he was not fit to be raising me, and exactly what kind of h3ll he was putting me through. Even so, I could not bring myself to outright leave him, (and when I tried, my other family members, unaware of the extent of things, sent me back to him after things had "cooled down" because they couldn't take me in at the time nor did they realize that I should not have been with him). I was finally forcefully removed from the house (actually, much to my relief, yet guilt at the same time for leaving my dad alone and making him feel like a failure) after everything came to light after a self-harming incident I had and wasn't able to hide. There are alters who would love nothing more than to go back to him, live with him, don't see anything wrong with "daddy" because he's our dad, etc. And there are also alters who would love nothing more than to beat him, that absolutely loathe him, that don't even see him as their father, and in some instances, even possibly kill him. It's hard to recognize someone as being an abuser and someone who's unhealthy for you when you have any type of connection with them, be it love, friendship, family ties, etc. Especially if there was an alter that, in order to help cope with things, learned to agree with the abuser's beliefs, ways of doing things, behaviours, etc., or even fell in love with the abuser.
*End Trigger Warning*

I'm not quite sure how this is helpful to you, and I'm sorry if it's not. I just wanted you to know that it's an understandable response to have, but it needs to be recognized as unhealthy and shouldn't be acted upon.


-Cassandra