It's not safe and never will be

This is Shamer. I'm upset cuz Alysone hasn't given me any time to be on this forum, so I'm stealing time now cuz I'm really afraid. All of a sudden "anger" is the topic in therapy. I had a real bad memory and starting to feel angry feelings, but its not sage to be angry. Anger is dangerous, gets out of control and is real scary to me. Trigger warning. We used to get punished real bad for getting mad and had many times when daddy got so mad and hurt us. End trigger warning. I just don't know how it will ever be safe enough to feel anger. T says he's not here anymore and that he's old, like over 80, bit that doesn't mean he couldn't change to younger and come after us and kill us for telling and getting angry. T says that all the pain the body is experiencing is cuz of me holding onto anger. What am I supposed to do? How can it ever be safe enough? I'm so scared of feeling angry. It hurts so much all over my body what he does when he's mad. Anybody else afraid of anger? What do you do to know, really know deep inside, that its really safe? Have to figure this out cuz Alysone is mad at me for making the body hurt. So I get blamed, but I don't even like anyone in the system getting mad. I'm so stuck. How do I get out of this place and find somewhere safe? Shamer

Hello Shamer. How old are you? It is good that you wrote here to get some help.

I know it can sometimes feel scary and not safe to be angry. But there are some places where it is ok to be angry, like in your T's office. Your T won't react to you being angry the way your daddy did and your T won't tell your daddy you got angry. So if you also don't tell your daddy you got angry and your T doesn't, your daddy will never know and you will be safe and be able to be angry.

Also your daddy is old now and won't be able to hurt you now anyway probably. You don't need to worry that he is going to get younger and come and hurt you because people don't get younger. Plus, you have a bigger and stronger body on the outside now and have lots of other parts to help you stay away from daddy if you need to.

You are safe now to express your anger.

Trust your therapist, Shamer. You are safe even though you don't feel safe, and the therapist is there to help you learn how to feel safe and feel ok about being angry and expressing anger. Expressing anger is important otherwise it gets bottled up and can cause inner turmoil. I know it's scary to get angry, but this isn't the past anymore, you're safe now, you're ok now, and it's ok to be angry and express that now. This is not the past, this is the present, and the present is different and safer from your past.

I'm sorry I can't help much at the moment, as I'm very fuzzy and under a time constraint, but I wanted to try and help a little bit.


-Cassandra

Than.k you saltedlipstick and Cassamdra for writing. I'm 13 but feel younger than that. It was good to hear from.other people besides T that its safe. I really want to believe it but I don't know what it will take to convince me. The scared is just so deep. You both said things the same as T, that he can't hurt me now. Wish it would really feel that way inside. But it helped a lot to heat it from.others. thanks, Shamer

Shamer maybe you will feel a bit more convinced it is safer now if you just give yourself a really small little opportunity in your therapists office to get just a little bit angry. Do you think you could try that? You wouldn't have to let it all out, just a bit that you weren't so scared that would be too bad. Then you would see if you let a little bit of the anger out, without it being enough for you to feel too unsafe, that nothing bad happens as a result and that you are still safe. Then you would feel safer to let more of the anger out.

Does that idea make sense to you? I'm not sure if I explained it properly.

That sounds like an idea that I might be able to try. T wants me to write about the anger but that doesn't sound safe cuz someone might read it. Can you really only get a.little bit mad? What if more mad spills out and it gets out of control? Ice never seen only a little bit of anger.

Hi there Shamer.

We are battling with the exactly same problem! How to express anger without feeling completely unsafe and wrong?

It's a tough thing to do...I can actually express my anger to a certain degree with a very close friend of mine. I trust that s/he doesn't judge me for being angry but actually encourages me to be angry! I usually stomp my feet to ground, knock objects against table and talk about why I'm so angry.

Very often parts inside abuse others for being angry or they simply prevent them from being angry because we have learned that being angry is bad. And that being angry makes us the same as our original abusers. And that is not true! Being angry is good and it's super important feeling. It helps you to stand up for yourself and to note you when you are being hurt or treated badly.

My body also hurts all over when I'm mad. But I just can't seem to release all that energy! Of course it would be important not to release all of it at once! It would end up badly. So if you could (and me aswell!) learn to release a teeny tiny bit of anger at a time...maybe 0,1% of the whole package of anger? As long as it's comfortable and safe enough to let out a tiny bit of anger out, it could eventually work out! ^_^

The feeling of being safe also comes from the inside. When parts are angry at each other, they can induce flashbacks and act abusively simply to stop you from telling about your pain and feeling anger. You shouldn't be blamed for making the body hurt! It's hard already to cope with anger and other parts are not helping anymore by accusing you of being at fault. Would it help your situation if you could talk with these parts to stop your blaming?

Hi adameil. Thank you for writing. It helped a lot hearing from someone that has the same problem as me. All of you are giving me some courage to maybe let a little bit of anger out next week with T. I'm just not sure that once you startetting anger out won't it all come spilling out? That thought scares me. How do you stop it so just a little comes out? Shamer.