addiction

I think those things are also the most logical things to do at first. So, that's why I did it.

I don't know whether it's related, but not long after posting this thread (and reading replies), this happened:
* I am here! (mainly a big rant, not much more)
Basically, apparently, some parts came out that I don't know (and still don't know) that started coloring (I wasn't in control, but tried to avoid influencing as much as possible) and then wrote that thread (I encouraged them to, or opened it, not sure but probably somewhat connected/blended or something).
So, maybe it's indeed blocking a lot? (Just my thought, don't have to answer that.)

There's also another side to it, which feels kinda weird. It seems I'm not in control most of the time. I can post here, I can influence a lot, but apparently I'm not the one most out (this is what I always thought...). Anyway, what I found out, often, when I try to stop using the computer or try to not use it, I just can't physically. I can't prevent it happening. But I can use the computer. Which makes me suspect, is the other one that's most out (and probably most often blended anyway) the one that's addicted? More than me? Or just at different times? Not to put the blame outside me, just to understand myself/myselves better. Anyone having something similar?

Shortly, yes. I used to think that before I really thought that dissociation was a thing for me, so at the time I dismissed it. They'd tell me you should just be able to stop, and I couldn't. Now, well, it makes sense. After I'm done, I know on a whole what I've done, but I don't know the specifics. I rarely journal about it the way I journal about most other things. I think that means that there's been a switch...

And here's the other bit. My old therapist used to tell me that I must enjoy it or I wouldn't keep doing it. I didn't feel the enjoyment though. I did at the beginning, but then it disappeared one day. And that's what recently happened with this site. I'm here more often than I mean to be, and I don't enjoy it. I don't actually think we should be here at all, but I can't seem to control it. Suffice to say that I don't think I'm the alter who originally started hanging out here...

I used to be addicted to s.ex. Now I have to find something new.

I know Jo's addicted to having her computer on. She doesn't actually use it all day, but she has to have it on all day while her husband is gone.

~ Rachelle

I think there's been a great deal of influencing going on, especially in the past. I still don't get why I'm putting all this private info on the net. I'm not like that usually.

In my native language, 'addiction' is the same as 'enslavement'. While I wouldn't really call it that way, the feeling is quite similar to me. I have to do certain things. (Just thought I'd share this.)

I'm still looking for something different I like, and it's quite hard to find! I've tried before. Maybe it's somewhat needed? I mean, I still live in a place that doesn't feel safe (that's something that is in progress), so maybe it is needed to prevent feelings/memories from surfacing before I'm ready?

I think as far as this goes, it’s useful to recognise that the addiction still has a siren call over you no matter what. You cannot resist. You are not going to find one single thing that’s a replacement activity, and even if you could, it wouldn’t be a healthy thing. Life is about balance. And switching over to that replacement activity won't be easy - at least not at first.

You said that you are having difficulty finding something you like. Can you explain a little more about what you mean?

As far as doing other things goes, the easiest thing we found to do is to write our to-do list like we were trying to convince someone else to do it. (Otherwise, don't even end up looking at it.) If there was something a different alter really wanted to do, that alter would just go ahead and do it. But otherwise, I put on the list stuff we enjoy on the whole, like drinking tea or eating fruit or putting on music. I have much better luck with a list filled with stuff like that.

As far as the safety thing goes, we think it's possible to progress, albeit difficult. Someone else wants to relate:

(We relapse when we live around people. Partially, this is a safety/numbing thing, and at least partially this is because of our Watcher who makes sure we're not doing anything suspicious/out-of-the-ordinary because apparently spending all our time on the computer is less suspicious. I don't know.)

Not sure I should wing it like this but I feel moved to. I believe that one of my angry parts, egaR, is addicted to wine. When egaR is out, her pain is both great & constant, & the only thing that calms her is wine…until she drinks too much of it & then escalates. Not the real rough stuff, but just gets mean, rude, & makes me feel like s**t when I find out. I know this pattern but I have not yet been able to influence her behavior as yet.
I, as Sotrsab, can drink wine & be fine with it. I have a child alter who drinks it as well because it was given (I believe) as a compliance tool when she was 4 to 5 years old (not wine, but beer). I think she realized even then that she had to do the nasty anyway & that drinking made it a bit easier to handle.
A few years back I was on a health kick. Ate healthy, went jogging & even hiking hills as many as 12 miles on a regular basis. Stopped drinking during that time - ‘til Heidi, my 5 yr old, wanted to tell me what daddy did. Been drinking ever since. Been in T for 4 years & I am frustrated because I live an emotionally pain-filled life. I know that drinking doesn’t help, makes the problem much worse, & if I would just ‘stop’ that the memories would come forth again and I’d eventually heal. I choose to control my pain level & numb out using wine, which isn’t working for the healing of our system. So, I guess I need to acknowledge my addiction.
This makes me wonder…I am choosing to numb out, and some of you are on this very same excruciating healing path and do not numb out. Some have talked of soda overload. (My choice was Monster Lo Carbs until I was forced to go on BP meds.) I absolutely DO DO DO want to get to the end of T, get my ‘walking papers’ & live a normal, healthy, life. So, I guess my question is: How do any of you cope with the intensity of the pain, the depth of the depression & the inability to influence the insiders so you can actually walk through a day with your chin off the ground, all without numbing out?
And, if any of you used to numb out & have stopped, can you share a little bit about your transition? Right now, I am too terrified to ‘go it w/out’. Thanks for your time.

michiru7422 wrote:You said that you are having difficulty finding something you like. Can you explain a little more about what you mean?

I just don't have much interests otherwise.
Things I can think of:

• Walking. But it has a numbing effect so it isn't really helpful (although, any exercise is in other ways helpful).
• Making things. When I was young, I played a lot with Lego. Once in a long while I make things like model things (like a model boat and such.)
• Listening music. But that's not really an activity on it's own.
• Apart from that, there isn't really much I like to do.

Sostrab, thank you for sharing.
Have you tried working together on this with your insiders? Just influencing doesn't seem like a very good way in the long term.

We um... didn't have hobbies until recently. All we did was the addiction. And after growing up, there wasn't a lot we had done at all.

So we're trying a lot of new things now. To narrow it down a bit, we asked about: other things we used to do, things that are associated with good memories, things we are interested in learning to do, dreams we might have had once, etc. Especially the things you thought were impossible.

Thank you, michiru. It was certainly interesting.

I've made a list of things I can do. Other things. Things that often give a good feeling. Maybe it's useful one day.

I've come to realize part of the problem is that I'm constantly thinking it's useful in some ways what I'm doing. To others, but mostly to me . This is an important realization, as it is a way to realize that that isn't the true reason. The true reason is to hide feelings (which it does very well. Temporarily.)

I think I'll just post whenever I make some important realization, for those interested.

So, I think there are two reasons why I'm addicted, and it depends how strong they each are.

• One is when I need to hide things. Hide pain (due to memories or otherwise). Hide stress. Etc.
• Another is when I just feel the need to do it, because it seems useful. I'm now trying to do things differently so they are actually useful (to me or to other people).

Another realization is that there are certain things that do help me cope, which I probably used before without realizing.
One thing is music. Music is very important to me. I've always said it is the way I control emotion, as I can't control it much otherwise. I listen to music when underway. Almost always. The positive thing with music is that it's often possible to do things while listening music.