Help!! Help! Help! **Trigger warning**

I keep having fantasies of wanting to brutally beat myself. It started last night when I was arguing with the one that was in denial. Now, the urge won't go away. I just want to go to my bedroom and hit myself and cut myself and-HELP!! What is going on here?!


You're feeling guilty because of all of your lying!

YOU would not be here if this was a lie!!!

I'm your conscious! You're a horrible person and your subconscious knows it so you deserve to be hurt!

There is TOO much evidence that proves this not to be a lie!!

GO HIT YOURSELF, B****!!!

I can't get this to stop! It's driving me off the wall!! and I haven't felt Logan all day!! I felt Lulu last night and had a flash back in which my aunt was about to beat me or something? I don't have any memories of her beating me. The memory came, though and my facial expression changed into one that I honestly have never made while crying before. and then I gasped and shouted out 'Mama' in a way that I could not do on my own. It sounded like a real child.

YOU NEVER HAVE THOSE DEPERSONALIZATION MOMENTS THAT ARE DESCRIBED AND YOU DON'T MISS TIME, SO THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!! THE VOICES ARE ONLY LOUD THOUGHTS TOO, SO TAKE THAT, LIAR!!!!!!

I have all of the other symptoms, though! and the loud thoughts are NOT my own!! and I can FEEL you all distinctly and why else would I think in third person and naturally refer to myself as 'we' even in my head? If this was a lie then I would flat out KNOW it for sure and all of this crap wouldn't be happening, so SHUT UP!!!!

Man, I just want to sob now. That's all I do anymore is cry or trance out. Or panic. Or argue with this person in my head that's in denial. HELP!!

Deep breaths, calm down, first of all. Put on some relaxing or calming music or something to help. Get a drink of water, and just breathe.

This sounds like an abusive denial alter, possibly an introject. Know that you are not alone in your struggles and experiences.

Do your best to ignore any negative things they say for now. Don't try talking with them until you feel more stable. Try to use positive distractions to help yourself refrain from doing what they want you to do (which is why they're most likely the ones showing you those images, they're trying to get you to hurt yourself because they think you deserve it for some reason).

These alters are often in denial themselves about having DID, or they are following in abusers' footsteps and simply trying to hide it all or trying to be "strong enough to just deal with it", or they are trying to protect you from finding out/learning things they think you can't handle, or they are following in abusers' footsteps in agreeing with abusers' beliefs, behaviours, etc., or they are in denial about any trauma being experienced or anything being "wrong" with your/their life, etc. There are many reasons why alters can be abusive, act like abusers from your life, or promote denial.


Sometimes when these alters are present, they are able to "block out" other alters and symptoms, to try and help "prove" their lies and promote their denial that the DID and alters are real. Often alters like this don't view themselves as part of you or the DID system, thus they don't view any harm done to the body as self-harm, and they don't realize that they, themselves, are an alter. (I would know, I have the exact same thing going on with my thread, "Done living this lie").


Don't argue with this alter until you feel more stable, but do keep reassuring yourself that this IS real, you are NOT lying, you are NOT faking, your alters DO exist and they are very real, and recognize that this voice is abusive and promoting denial and try your best to not listen to what they say.


Hang in there and stay strong. Many of us know this experience all too well. You're not alone. *safe hugs if wanted*


-Cassandra

To all of you who are going through denial. It will help nothing for you to keep on denying yourself, or the fact that you have what you have.
Hornet- host, whatever you want to be called. Hang in there, please. Just remember, they are not whatever they call themselves, if that makes any sense. Just remember what they are, who you are, and why they are supposed to be here- to help. It might take them a little while to come around, but stay strong!
-Shadow