Have i got split personality disorder?

i'm new to this site so bare with me....

I was verbally abused all through my school life both primary & secondary school and when i was 10 i used to self harm because i felt so worthless. at 13 my father left home, after i left school i went to college it was at college that i discovered that i had social phobia and i ended up quiting then the yr after that i tried college again but failed to keep attending due to my phobia. I'm now 20 years old and have suffered with depression i would say it was severe depression because i was and still am having thoughts of commiting suicide.

The reason why i think i may have split personality disorder is because about a year a go i kept getting annoyed with
myself because i wouldnt go in the shower and found myself
battleing with like another personality within me, the trouble is the other personality gets her on way and ive got insomnia, havent been in the shower for a month, wont eat for ages and i will sit on the couch all day in a trance not moving not even for the toilet, meanwhile im fighting with this other personality because i want to get up and achieve daily tasks but my other self wont let me.

Then I suddenly turn into this other person who is promiscuous, flags guys cars down and gets in them “which is highly dangerous” but for some reason I am not frightened like I normaly am. This new person I become is basically a hoe who can’t say no!
One day I got up and decided that I will go round peoples doors and ask them to sponsor a depression charity with I might add “ A Nescafe coffee tub” now bare in mind I am someone usually who has social phobia and cant get out of the house for fear of people so god knows how I managed to get out and knock on peoples doors “socializing” asking them to sponsor “a made up charity that doesn’t exist” which is "highly dangerous if i got caught doing that" i totally was not in control of myself that day nor am i most days.

i dont believe in cheating on a partner or indeed with your sisters partner. but when im around these people such as guys and sisters partners i go into self destruct mode i'm totally a differnt person i no longer act shy or anxious i'm someone else and i have a habbit of appearing like the perfect person for them (like a
camelion) when ive cheated on past boyfriends with guys, i become this overtally sexual person that is flirtatious, but all i want to do is just flirt with people but "my other self" wants me to sleep with guys even when my minds fighting to say no and just run a way. the the one night stand is over in a flash and after that im left stund thinking "what the hell have i done?"

I feel so guilty about sleeping with my sisters boyfriend and i cant own up to it because "it's sick" what ive done and i wont forgive myself. but them times i flirted and slept with my sisters boyfriend it was like i wasent in control, every time i flirted with them afterwards id think to myself "why the hell am i leading him on i'm sick whats wrong with me" but of course i feel something like an alter has got hold of me and making me do horrible things.

when i get boyfriends i go off them in 2 weeks but i dont have the heart to tell them that i have so i let the relationship carry on. One moment i'm this normal person and the next im just something else, i can change states all day from one person to another it's frightning like "jeckle & hide"

Somethings just come to my attention during reading other peoples posts and just remembered something else that happens to me. I never know what day it is, this week has just flew past and i couldnt tell you what ive done in the week "very confusing" and upsetting because it feels like im just wasting days and not remembering. Also i remember playing on the sims 2 "which im very addicted to and cant keep off" i remember looking round and seeing it was light outside and the next time i turned round it was pitch black outside and when i quit the game and saw the time 3am in the morning "i'd been playing on the sims 2 for over 12 hours im sure without eating, certainly no sleeping and totally lost track of the time "im really scared"

I hope ive justifyed my words and clearly presented my
question please help me someone anyone i just need help.

HI,

I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE CONFUSED AND SCARED. IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU MAY HAVE BEEN MORE THAN VERBALLY ABUSED. FEAR OF USING PUBLIC SHOWERS, AND DOING PERMISCIOUS THINGS YOU NORMALLY WOULDN'T DO, SOUNDS LIKE YOU MAY HAVE ALSO BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED. MAYBE YOU BLOCKED IT OUT.

IF YOU DON'T SEE A THERAPIST, I WOULD HIGHLY SUGGEST IT. I KNOW IT HAS HELPED ME ALOT. SELF-DISTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR IS VERY DANGEROUS! YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH PAIN ALL READY. TRY NOT TO TREAT YOURSELF LIKE SOME HORRIBLE PEOPLE HAVE IN THE PAST. YOU CAN GET BETTER, AND YOU'RE WORTH IT! HANG IN THERE!

SOME OF THE THINGS YOU DISCRIBED SOUNDS LIKE D.I.D. ONLY A QUALIFIED THERAPIST WOULD KNOW FOR SURE. I'VE NEVER KNOWN ANYONE TO SUCCESSFULLY TREAT THEMSELF. USUALLY IT ONLY LEADS TO MORE SELF- DISTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. KEEP ASKING FOR HELP, AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER. TRY TO AVOID ALCOHOL AND DRUGS. IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS MUCH, MUCH, WORSE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU WOULDN'T BELEIVE SOME OF THE THINGS I DID, THAT I DON'T DO NOW. IF I CAN GET BETTER, SO CAN YOU!


BENNY

To Benny

Thank you for your reply I know that i was not raped during childhood nor have i ever been "to my knowledge" but what was really strange was that when i decided to get help with "the early intervention in psycosis" this was way before i started to know about my different personalitys so i was kind of confused at the time thinking i only had social phobia and depression along with a number of other problems, and the early intervention team agreed to help me with my social phobia.

On my first meeting i noticed she asked me if i had been sexually abused during childhood, this was within 20 mins of the visit. Now i remember when i was out of control in the past and was at some guys house "dangerous because he could of been anybody" and he also said to me were you sexually abused. When the women from the early intervention team said this to me also it made me think "am i acting like ive been sexually abused or something?"

The thing is i truely dont remember being raped all i remember is that from the age of 5 i was verbally abused at school, all through school until i left school. And was thinking was all that trauma i went through at school a result of DID? who knows but im worried to say the least.

Also i'd just like to say about the "shower" thing, i meant that i for some reason cant go in the shower for as long as a month or so, i have to litterly fight with this "my other self" to let me go in the shower but she gets her own way, a lot of the times.

Thank you for your replys and if anyone can help me figure out a little more of whats happening to me.

Thank you!

HI AGAIN,

BEFORE I GOT HELP, GUYS I WAS WITH WOULD TELL ME I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED. I SAID " HOW DO YOU KNOW" AND THEY'D SAY "BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME". I COULDN' T REMEMBER IT AT ALL. I KNEW I'D BEEN ABUSED, BUT HAD BLOCKED OUT MOST OF IT. IT WAS WIERD TO THINK THAT MAYBE THEY KNEW MORE ABOUT MY PAST THAN I DID AT THE TIME. MY WILD N CRAZY SELF COULD REMEMBER EVERYTHING. OF COURSE LATER I WOULD CHANGE BACK INTO, GUILT RIDDIN ME, AND BLOCK IT ALL OUT AGAIN. I DRANK AND DRUGGED BACK THEN, AND CHALKED IT UP TO BEING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. WHEN I QUIT USING, I STILL BLACKED OUT AND DID THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO DO. I STARTED REMEMBERING WHY I TRIED TO BLOCK OUT MY PAST IN THE FIRST PLACE. I COULDN'T DEAL WITH IT.

WHEN I FIRST GOT HELP, I WAS DX. WITH PTSD. I WORKED ON GETTING BETTER. SEVERAL YRS. LATER A THERAPIST SAID I HAD A DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER. I WASN'T READY TO FACE IT. I ENDED UP GOING TO ANOTHER THERAPIST BECAUSE OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP I WAS IN. BUT NEVER MENTIONED OTHER PERSONALITIES. I WAS TO AFRAID. I THOUGHT SHE WOULD THINK I WAS NUTS AND THROW ME OUT. IT WAS A LOT HARDER THEN TO EXPLAIN HOW I FELT. I DIDN'T UNDER STAND MYSELF.

I FINALLY FOUND THE COUAGE TO TELL SOMEONE. MY OTHER SELF/SELVES, WERE VERY ANGERY WITH ME! ( THEY LIKE TO PUSH ME AROUND TOO) IT FELT LIKE I WAS BETRAYING THEM. I'M JUST NOW STARTING TO ADMIT TO IT. I'VE BEEN THIS WAY AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER, BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT.

I KNOW IT'S NOT EASY. JUST BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. IT'S GOOD THAT YOU ARE STARTING THE PROSESS EARLY. IT WILL GIVE YOU A BETTER FUTURE. GOOD LUCK!


BENNY

Thank you for your reply much appreciated

I also have another question id like answered but dont know if i can explain it properly, here it goes anyway.

How do i work out which alters have which personalitys?
you see inside me their is an alter which is self destructive, but this self destructive alt doesnt want to go out because shes to depressed and doesnt want to see the world. but there is a Promiscuous person inside me also and she makes me go out, flirting all over the place and gets me to sleep with people "even though in my head im screaming no" but i seem to go through with the sexual act anyway like its out of my control.

There is one who doesnt like to go in the shower and basically makes me neglect myself by having insomnia not eating properly and doesnt want to move off the couch for many hours, which keeps me in trance like state all day so i dont remember much that day.

please help im not sure which alts have which personalitys im very confused.

Thanks again BENNY for your reply

You haven't showered in a month? Eww. Ha ha ha, kidding. Maybe you should try taking charge. Mentally slap your alters around and be like "I like being clean, damnit!". Now to be serious, if they're afraid of being raped in the shower, maybe you need to show them there's nothing to be afraid of. Go into your bathroom and show them there's nothing there. Speak outloud to them, tell them it's gonna be alright, no one is going to hurt them. Thats my two cents.

if they're afraid of being raped in the shower, maybe you need to show them there's nothing to be afraid of.

I havent been raped! I was verbally abused at school.

but who knows i dont know whats happened and if i dont and i cant control or even ask my alters anything yet so im stuffed so to speak at the moment.

can anyone with DID get back to me and shed some light it will be much appreciated.

scoobydoo wrote:

if they're afraid of being raped in the shower, maybe you need to show them there's nothing to be afraid of.

I havent been raped! I was verbally abused at school.

but who knows i dont know whats happened and if i dont and i cant control or even ask my alters anything yet so im stuffed so to speak at the moment.

can anyone with DID get back to me and shed some light it will be much appreciated.

I do have DID, and I'm not saying you were raped, but who knows. Maybe they just like being dirty, I don't know. Either way, you still need to try talking to them, communication helps the system.

Sorry if i was a bit snappy its just im very confused at the moment as im sure you were, right?

The thing is i dont know how to talk to them because ive only just realized that i've got 2 or more alters within me, i mean ive had disscussions in my head with them and i feel like ive got loads of points of views on any given subject, they're certainly not my views.

i'm just worried because ive read some posts on here and in order to be at piece with yourself you have to talk and make friends with your alters which at the moment is a struggle.

anyway im sorry for being snappy with you pease forgive me

It's okay, I understand. In another post I talked about my alters, D & Frank. D has always really been there, so I'm used to him, and it would be really uncomfortable without him. But Frank, I'm just getting used to. Scary as all hell the first time we met. I looked at my clock around 4am, suddenly I feel my mind just fall back somewhere, while someone else steps foreward, right arm starts spazzing out, then everything goes quiet. Bam, Frank pops up, takes a good look around the room, rolls out, and goes to make a call on my cell. I fought him off and threw ourselves back into bed. Which completely caught him off guard. First we argued about the cell, then about his existance (hurray for denial), in which he demonstrated by getting up and taking a nice stroll around the house, then we argued about the phone and going out some more. Thankfully, by the end of the night we came to an agreement; that he won't call people or go out if I'm awake cuz thats way too scary for me. Now we're on a pretty friendly level. And yes, Frank only comes out around 4am, goes out drinking and what not, goes back in at 6:20am, when my alarm usually goes off. So as for how to get past this shower buisness, do what I did, get pissed off and argue it out till they give in. Then again, that method might not work for everyone. Maybe a friendly discussion would be better. I know its scary as hell, and you'll probably feel really silly "talking to yourself", but it gets easier after the first time.