Need Help, Can't Operate.

I need help. It's hard enough just for me to write. I'm losing my ability to do casual things altogether. Lately everything has been becoming very tough. Time is shrinking so much, and I can't get my medication presently until I have a little money, although I have my prescriptions.

I want to switch. Things are so much easier when I'm switched. I switched today to my caretaker alter, and it was nice. I got to hang around and watch, although I would rather not experience the level of co-awareness that I always have. Afterward she became very tired and then our emotive management alter came out for a moment, then I was left alone with such an awful feeling of vacancy. I felt like no one. Now I feel like a cluster of roaming fragments drifting in and out of my head.

It has become so difficult for me to communicate with my parts. I feel like I have to push myself so hard to even have thoughts or make statements. I feel like my own slave right now. I'm obsessively thinking about my own head, and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about it, but I'm unable to figure anything out. I'm aggravated. I'm struggling with nothing, and apparently I can't even deal with any little thing at present. My anxiety and paranoia is climbing. Every suggestion I find to help myself is inadequate and I can't find any solutions. I need a way to proceed. I need something to help me. No matter how much I reach out to my parts, or whatever I might say to them, nothing really happens. I feel like I'm buried up to my shoulders at the bottom of a narrow well, and it's too windy for anywhere to hear me over the howling. And I begin to see strange things like glowingness on the ground or snow...

breathe.

try
relax.

put
on
music
or
funny
movie
or
something.

can't
always
try
to
figure
things
out
or
think
about
DID
stuff.

brain
like
computer.

if
run
too
much
or
too
long
it
overheat
and
crash
and
burn
out.

have
to
give
brain
rest.

can't
always
be
trying
figure
things
out
or
communicate
or
worrying
over
things
can't
help
right
now.

take
care
of
self.

do
things
self
enjoys.

get
lost
in
music
or
video
games
or
movies
or
go
for
walk
or
do
hobby
or
something.

could
write
out
how
feel
before
doing
things
to
help
to.

don't
be
hard
on
self.

things
can
and
will
get
better
over
time
long
as
don't
give
up.

shay
hope
quantum
feel
better
soon.




~s
h
a
y~

I can't enjoy anything like that. I don't feel like I'm experiencing it. I don't know who I am. I don't recognize myself. I don't recognize my own name! I don't know what my name is! The closest one I recognize is my baby name. I'm the host, and I'm just an alter who doesn't recognize himself.

Go on a search for yourself then. And even if you don't feel like you're experiencing things like music or movies, you can still try using things like that to distract yourself and help your brain to rest and calm down. You can't try to figure everything out all the time. You need time to just be as well.


Look for a name you like/identify with, or make one yourself. List out things you like, things you dislike, hobbies you like, or hobbies you'd like to try, clothing styles you like, anything and everything that makes you, you. If you don't know, then look around a bit, and find what you like most/identify with.


Feeling like you don't know yourself or recognize yourself is normal/natural, and quite common with people who have DID. So, find things to help you know yourself better.


When Hawk came into awareness, she didn't know anything except that she liked the colors red and orange, she liked mohawks, and she liked Foamy the Squirrel. That's it. She didn't know her name, nor did she have one, she didn't know her gender, still doesn't know her age, didn't know anything about herself. So she went to find out about herself. She chose a nickname first, then later decided that it could be her real name (Hawk). She chose her hairstyle, because she already knew she liked mohawks. Chose her hair color, her clothing style, and started looking around for what music she liked, what TV shows on Netflix she liked, foods she liked or that seemed interesting to try, things she didn't like, etc. She compared females to males and came to the conclusion she identifies more with the female gender, but isn't very feminine. She still has yet to realize/choose her age/how old she feels. Could you perhaps do something similar for yourself, and help yourself learn about yourself?


I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there and stay strong. It won't stay like this forever.


-Cassandra