New to dissociative matters

by **remusmdh** » Fri Feb 08, 2013 9:38 pm

tomboy24 wrote:shay
glad
una+
able
to
help
remusmdh.

shay
hope
remusmdh
feel
better
soon.

shay
hope
remusmdh
can
find
help
remusmdh
deserve.

~s
h
a
y~

Thank you, Shay.

Una+ wrote:Remusmdh, your experience with mental health providers is a perfect illustration of out-of-control projective identification. You have the same kind of experience with so many different people because (a) that is what you have learned to expect from people and (b) you are dissociative. You are putting out an intense energy and they are responding to that energy. You even do it online! I am not blaming you or shaming you. I am showing you the way out of your predicament.

Okay, I read that thread, from the parts I do understand (learning disorders so suck), there is a good chance this isn't what it happening. See the problem is I become so terrified in therapy sessions I go into dissociation. Feel outside my body, difficulty breathing, fixation on one or two things to avoid being "there", and severe shame, fear of speaking anything me while in there, etc.

Typically by the time I walk out to my car from a session, I can't remember much that happened. It is all just a grey blur. And normally, until this current therapist, over the next few hours my feelings about the session transform. I begin to only remember, screaming, pain, and humiliation, and have nightmares.

Now this current guy hasn't done that yet, but he has also deeply avoided giving any advice yet. We trade intellectual info, but no advice or treatment stuff yet.

So, since I have not been allowed to bring anyone else in, record sessions (this current therapist is trying to help me record them, but we keep having technical issues with the hardware), I have not had any means of seeing what really happened in a session.

This amnesia and... i have no word for the transformation in emotional context after sessions, but these together form a delusion like thing I deal with in sessions. I know what I remember later is NOT what happened in session, but... I have no means of actually remembering sessions, so...

Essentially, the screaming... is auditorial hallucination "thing-y" from my PTSD stuff from being screamed at, beaten, and psychologically tortrued in the past.

A[pologies about spelling, but i have grown tired of waiting 2-10 secs between when i type and when things appear on the screen and going back editing (massive lag issues locally) and the fact last typing test i took said I had over a 150 errors in one minute... I have major typing problems, so... I just use a LOT of backspacing ?>_>

-- Fri Feb 08, 2013 3:56 pm --

salted lipstick wrote:I notice that when I suggested you write some more journal entries, you said this:
remusmdh wrote:I have never gotten any relief or sense of satisfaction from talking about this stuff. Yes, I want to talk about it, because i'm full of pain over it, but the talking produces nothing positive.

I think you are expecting it to get better too quickly. It hurts to talk. It will be like that for ages. I never said "write some more journal entries because it will make you feel better" because I don't think writing will make you feel better necessarily. Like Kat said, it's like a wound and it will hurt a lot as you keep talking about it. Expect that and just keep trying. It is part of healing that it will sting to talk. It will take a long time to get better but it is important you keep taking these painful steps because it is part of healing.

You are doing really well to be talking. Even though it's hard and it hurts, keep it up.

The problem is I have done journals IRL, blogs online, the journal here, for over three years. It doesn't help. Frequently I can't even put how i feel into words and people get delusional ideas of what i mean and then i have to deal with insane weird reactions that just leave me feel ashmaed retarded, and too stupid for others to undrstand.

I have had several meltdowns since my last journal entry here, and I have been avoiding here because well... this plae triggers some nasty stuff for me when i talk here. I'm not sure what to do about this situation, since these triggers tend to make me disappear deep into readeing anything not me for days on end. I have had it where i have disappeared for weeks before. Most of 2012 was that way. Hell, a show i used to love was cancelled while I thought i was waiting for "next season" and in reality, the last few episodes went past without my ever noticing. I hate living like this. And it looks all too well like i'm stuck with this for the rest of my life, since therapy and psychiatry have no ability to cope or work with this stuff.

*shrugs* just talking about this stuff leaves me feeling hopeless, because i konw there is no answer. I'm just talking about things that... that are... pointless.

and every time i talk about it, i just relive the situation.

by **tomboy24** » Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:30 pm

shay
know
it
take
more
than
3
years
for
things
get
better.

sometimes
it
take
very
long
for
so
much
hurt
to
heal.

but
should
not
give
up.

shay
think
remusmdh
might
have
alter
that
gets
triggered
for
therapy
and
that
why
remusmdh
not
remember
therapy.

shay
think
lost
time
is
happening.

then
since
remusmdh
not
remember
what
happened
blank
spots
get
replaced
with
past
stuff
like
ptsd
flashbacks.

all
us
here
know
what
like
to
talk
then
relive.

it
hard.

but
it
part
of
healing
process.

when
wound
is
deep
and
it
not
get
help
to
heal
it
take
a
while
before
it
get
better.

and
it
will
hurt
more
before
it
start
to
hurt
less.

that
how
healing
is.

it
hard
but
it
possible.

shay
know
remusmdh
can
heal.

shay
hope
remusmdh
not
give
up
because
healing
is
possible
even
if
can't
see
it
or
it
not
seem
like
it
now.

shay
hope
this
new
therapist
can
help
remusmdh.

maybe
remusmdh
can
print
out
stuff
from
here
and
share
with
therapist
to
help
explain
that
way
not
have
to
try
to
explain
again?

:oops:

~s
h
a
y~

by **remusmdh** » Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:51 pm

tomboy24 wrote:shay
know
it
take
more
than
3
years
for
things
get
better.

sometimes
it
take
very
long
for
so
much
hurt
to
heal.

but
should
not
give
up.

shay
think
remusmdh
might
have
alter
that
gets
triggered
for
therapy
and
that
why
remusmdh
not
remember
therapy.

shay
think
lost
time
is
happening.

then
since
remusmdh
not
remember
what
happened
blank
spots
get
replaced
with
past
stuff
like
ptsd
flashbacks.

all
us
here
know
what
like
to
talk
then
relive.

it
hard.

but
it
part
of
healing
process.

when
wound
is
deep
and
it
not
get
help
to
heal
it
take
a
while
before
it
get
better.

and
it
will
hurt
more
before
it
start
to
hurt
less.

that
how
healing
is.

it
hard
but
it
possible.

shay
know
remusmdh
can
heal.

shay
hope
remusmdh
not
give
up
because
healing
is
possible
even
if
can't
see
it
or
it
not
seem
like
it
now.

shay
hope
this
new
therapist
can
help
remusmdh.

maybe
remusmdh
can
print
out
stuff
from
here
and
share
with
therapist
to
help
explain
that
way
not
have
to
try
to
explain
again?

~s
h
a
y~

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING

Thanks Shay. Problem is professionals don't want the things that happen outside of therapy. Yeah, I brought something last session and showed it to the therapist. He didn't even comment to it. Pretended like it wasn't there. I was very ashamed and mildly humiliated. I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, because I knew it was too stupid to talk about, and therapists don't care about that. They never do.

As far as opening up... you know professionals are the people most likely to abuse you, correct? Making fun of you, yelling at you how stupid you are, how homo, how you need to shut-up, mocking little jokes about how silly it is you LET these things bother you, you know this correct?

Not only that, but I mave massive amnesia and dissociation issues, so many times I can't even remember these things nor able to call them up for talking about them. What I fear is that all I do is pay $100-$200 to just ramble randomly, not saying anything important. Just terrified rambling, hoping to not be beaten and screamed at, or maimed, or tortured. I'm sorry... I just can't trust this violent, vicious people. All they want to do is hurt people. Healing is not their goal, not ever. Only violence and hurting.

I have no idea how to trust such vicious, violent people.

I'm not sure what to do. When you are poor, retarded, and everyone can see how worthless you are... everyone just wants you away from them, or dead or to torture you for their own sadistic joy. I have seen this so many dozens of times. All the pain, humiliation, and mocking of how homo, retarded, and how you just need to die, and just get the ###$ away from everyone else. You are just too filthy to be near anyone who has value. They all just want you dead or to torture you for their amusement. People so love to torture, cause pain, and hurt others.

Or they scream and scream and scream and scream how worthless you are... and how you need to just die and go away. They... they just scream so so so much.

How do you trust them? How do you trust these terrorists that... that just... *sighs*

This is where i go every time this stuff comes up. This is how i feel any time i try to talk about me. So homo, so badly needing to die, so worthless, so filthy, and knowing everyone wants me dead, so much a cancer killing the world around me. I know they hate me, they want me to suffer, and die. That is why they scream, beat and shot you.

*sighs* i'm about to have to stop coming here, because i'm tired of these triggers. But this is how therapy always goes too. Except i know i can't tell them the truth of how i feel or i will be beaten by cops, tortured, then killed. there is no trusting these violent people. They just want trash dead or gone. We are just worthless charity cases, and that is filthy, disguesting... needs to die. Needs to die so badly......

by **tomboy24** » Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:56 am

(Just a note: my capital letters are not an indication of a voice raise or yelling, they are for emphasis only).

A good, competent, and helpful therapist should care about all things, what's inside and outside of therapy. Many people have posted here that they took things from this site in to their therapists and their therapists received it very well, were glad for the help in understanding them and what's going on, and were happy to read about what they had brought with them.

You have not found a good, competent, or helpful therapist yet. Therapists ARE NOT supposed to yell at you, belittle anything such as your feelings or thoughts, they're not supposed to ignore anything you have to say or share, they're not supposed to be violent, untrustworthy people. They are there TO HELP YOU and that is what they're SUPPOSED to do. Unfortunately, you seem to have found a great many unhelpful and bad therapists. Most of all, therapists are NEVER supposed to abuse you.

Many people here report their therapists caring about what they have to say, caring about what goes on inside and outside of therapy (how can you only care about what happens inside of therapy when you're in therapy for things that happens outside of it?), their therapists are not abusive in any way, they are not violent in any way, and they are safe, helpful, trustworthy people. This is a good therapist. This is what you need to find.

NOT ALL THERAPISTS ARE LIKE WHAT YOU DESCRIBE. Just because you've only had bad experiences with therapists, does not mean all therapists are bad, and it does not mean that all of them are "violent, vicious people". You're letting your past experiences roadblock yourself and you're projecting your past experiences onto other therapists, believing they'll be the same, expecting them to be the same, and possibly even assuming they're the same even though not all therapists are the same. Just as not all people are the same. Not all doctors are the same. No one is ever the same, not in any position or line of work.

Again healing is not easy, and it will be painful. Being tired of your triggers won't help you. Giving up on talking and working through these things won't help you. It'll only make things worse on yourself and for yourself. You are not a worthless charity case, just like no one here is either. We are living proof right before you that healing is possible no matter what horrors you've experienced, no matter how bad your trauma is, no matter how bad your PTSD, dissociation, etc., is. There are many users who have/are in situations just as bad as your's, if not worse (yes, I do know of users that have been/have had/are in worse situations than your's, and yes, it is possible). And yet they are all taking steps toward healing. All of us here are struggling through triggers, struggling to talk and open up, struggling to find good therapy or continue our therapy, etc. You are not alone even though it may seem like it.

I am a very untrusting person. But I trust therapists, IF they are trustworthy. Just as I trust people who prove themselves to be trustworthy. I have had experiences with both untrustworthy therapists and trustworthy therapists. I have heard of horrible experiences with therapists and wonderful experiences with therapist. I know and recognize that both good and bad therapists exist, and that not all therapists are the same. I know and acknowledge that a therapists' job is to help, support, understand, listen, and care, and if they don't do those things, then they are not a good therapist, and they are not trustworthy.

In order for you, and your life, to get better, you need to recognize these things:

1) Healing will be slow, very painful at times, seem impossible at times, and it will need work, therapy, time, and patience. But it is possible for you.

2) Not all therapists are bad, and their job is to help you, not abuse you. You need to find a therapist that is good, competent, and helpful.

3) You project your past experiences and expect the same outcomes even when there is a chance that the outcome might be different. You believe that nothing can be different from what you've experienced in the past even though this is not true. This is something that you will need to work on so that you don't roadblock yourself or self-sabotage chances you have at healing. (This is not your fault, by the way, and it is quite common for people who have been through trauma to do. Many of us here do this as well and we work on it to not project, assume, or expect so much).

4) You may not believe you are worth helping, or worth staying alive, or anything like that, but you are. Your mindset can be changed as well, but it will take time, work, and patience. You are a very strong person, you are a fighter, you are a survivor, you are intelligent, you are worth helping, you deserve to be helped, you deserve to have adequate help, you deserve to live, you deserve to heal, and you can heal. These are things that, over time, if you remind yourself of them, you can slowly begin to see being possible to believe in. (I've seen people here that are hopeless, only able to see the negatives in life and about themselves, and I've seen them work on it and slowly be able to change and begin to see the positives in life. This is possible for you to do as well).

Best of luck to you with everything. If nothing else, keep talking here. It's helping you even though it may not feel like it.

-KAT

shay
agree
with
kat.

not
all
therapists
bad.

therapists
supposed
to
help
not
abuse.

shay
know
of
both
good
and
bad
therapists.

remusmdh
deserve
to
find
good
therapist
and
get
help
remusmdh
deserve.

remusmdh
can
heal.

it
possible.

shay
hope
remusmdh
not
give
up.

:oops:

~s
h
a
y~

-- Fri Feb 08, 2013 6:01 pm --

shay
hope
maybe
this
thread
help
remusmdh.

:oops:

it
titled
"what
can
find
good
about
today?"

and
everyone
post
about
something
they
find
good
about
day
no
matter
how
little.

maybe
it
help
somehow?

:oops:

here:
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic105784.html

shay
have
trouble
seeing
good
when
things
bad.

that
why
shay
made
thread
to
help
shay
think
about
something
good
despite
everything
seeming
bad.

:oops:

~s
h
a
y~

by **remusmdh** » Sun Feb 10, 2013 11:07 pm

Trigger warning

I have no idea what i am experiencing right now, but i'm relatively sure it is a dissociative "thing". I'm in all sorts of pain, none of it physical. i want to die, really badly so the pain will stop. i've found i can't journal, blog, dairy anything good anymore, just nothing happens on those days. Just nothing. i've been trying here almost every day for a month with constant continous failures.

I sent the next piece to both my therapist and psychiatrist, but though the psychiatrist sometimes calls me later, hours later, no therapist to date has ever even asked about them once i seem them again. Crisis hotlines get really pissed at me for this stuff and tell me they have others to help and hang-up on me.

What am I supposed to do with this stuff when i have no options, no where to go, nohting that helps other than just lie here and just wait for it to pass?

CrackedGirl wrote:In both my personal and my professional views I disagree with this tho I can see that you find it really tough to trust ppl to get help and I know you have good reason for that.

I will take it you have never been so poor you can't afford emergency care and struggle to afford $100/mon for everything in your life? Trust me, down at this point, all professionals extremely stop caring. They just tell you "if it was important you'd find a way to afford it."

i feel like i $#%^ right now. i couldn't help myself three hours ago, gave in to my addiction after waiting two hours to talk with someone "important" and... now i feel like $#%^. i hurt level tired, but i passed out and slept over an hour already. i wish they made pills for feeling suciidal, hurting through-out the soul. psychologist three years ago lied again and again to me, yelling at me that they made immediate need anti depressants, but she was just lying whore. There is no such thing.

I've misused my xanax before to try to help with these. It sort of helps, but with how addicitve those are, how hard refills are to get, and the fact i have several of these a week... Now a good option.

worse thing is i can't communicate while like this, and there is no way on earth to get help while like this. i can't get an appointment with psychiatrist or therapist within an hour, and crisis hotlines have already yelled at me to not bother them, nothing is wrong, it is just may fault, and stop taking up their time.

###$ though it hurts... badly. i just want to die and the pain go away. i know this is why i'm filthy trash and need to die. just too retarded too live.

i've tried showing professiaonsl logs of things like this. they just... they... just act like i never said anything. no comments, no advice, nothing. the only comment i ever got was "well it got better after you realized it can't kill you." made me want to cut his f'ing head off, wothless arrogent bastard.

they won't talk to me once i express these bouts. they just get silent, and ignore me. i have no idea what to do. if i can't go to professionals for help, and it would take 6-20hrs to get in to see anyone at the ER and i have no means of getting to a psyschiatric hospital/prison... they have no where to park at them, so i can't drive myself, and i sure can't afford $300-$500 cab costs for round trip.

why is this world so eager to try to kill the poor and disabled? why do y'all so badly want us dead? Why? whatever did we do to you? you bring us into this world, and then spend out life times desperately trying to kill us at every turn. Constantly with the "well if you had a REAL problem you'd find the money to afford it" and slam doors in our faces telling us how worthlss we are?

why not just blow our heads off and just end it? why do you bastards so badly want us tortured to death? none of care about anything but money. nothing else matters.

i'm so terrifed to go anywhere, do anything, but if i get hurt, i'll be left to die. or i'll be totured to death for your amusement. i've watched how y'all don't even treat gangrene or heartattacks in ER's without money. just send them home, "nothings wrong" lying and lying and lying, just because we have no money.

Just f'ing kill us then, don't force us to linger on, slowly dying in agony. why must y'all torture us? lying, abusing, screaming, beating when you can get away with it. why should i want to live in this world? Why?

i ######6 hurt so badly, but there is nothing i can do about it. nothing. i've already called the state emergency people in the last couple months... i was just told to go away. either i go to an ER and spend $8k-20k on nothing and then get thrown out at 72hrs and given no options except come upwith another $10k, $20k, $30k and go get "real help" somewhere else... or just shut up, it can't be bad if you can't find money for help.

so what do i do when i hurt and WANT help?

i just want to f'ing die, why can't i? Why did they have to steal my shotgun? why?

all i have right now is vomiting pain. just vomit vomit vomit vomit, but it doesn't help, just makes me hurt worse and worse. and there is nothing to do iwth it, because i'm just too retarded to communicate it like the textbooks says, so i'm just lying and homo filthy and need to just f'ing die. just go away, shutup, get the f away from everyong and shut up.

by **remusmdh** » Sun Feb 10, 2013 11:18 pm

know what sucks? is i want to be alone but with someone at the same time. i want to talk, but i know if i do all i will do i anger people, and make them want to leave.

by **wronglesson** » Sun Feb 10, 2013 11:34 pm

remusmdh wrote:know what sucks? is i want to be alone but with someone at the same time. i want to talk, but i know if i do all i will do i anger people, and make them want to leave.

I haven't read through the thread since I commented last, but I just wanted to say I understand you here. I'm afraid to talk to people cause I know I'm somehow going to end up upsetting them. It's frustrating and lonely, but eventually you do find people that simply understand you. You've got to push through to find those people, you never will until you try.

But of course, trying is one d@mn difficult thing.

by **michiru7422** » Sun Feb 10, 2013 11:49 pm

I am not angry with you. I don't want to leave. I can't read/remember some of what you've written, but some part of me has read it all. I don't always have anything to say/help, so I don't reply all the time. But know that I am reading/listening, and I will keep reading/listening.

It is my experience that mental health professionals often "haven't been there", so to speak. They don't have experience with certain things. Poverty is often one of those things. And they get frustrated when they can't help. What I mean to say is that I think they say these things because they don't know any better. But a good one will care to learn about these things as he/she gets to know you.

With dissociation, you can lose time in the present-day. Sometimes it's a loss of only certain kinds of experiences/information. If someone tells me about imaginary things like monguins or snipes, I lose that. Is it possible that this happens to you?

by **remusmdh** » Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:05 am

wronglesson wrote:I haven't read through the thread since I commented last, but I just wanted to say I understand you here. I'm afraid to talk to people cause I know I'm somehow going to end up upsetting them. It's frustrating and lonely, but eventually you do find people that simply understand you. You've got to push through to find those people, you never will until you try.

But of course, trying is one d@mn difficult thing.

Wronglesson, the problem is when i do tell people the truth, screaming starts. People become enraged with me. Why didn't you do this or this or that? And they don't care if i couldn't afford it or that doctors scare me so badly... I pass blood several times a year (though not recently now that i've come off the last pills), i had near blinding levels of pain from a cracked tooth that has since come apart in chunks, and crumbled down to gum line, and i still didn't tell the dentist about a year ago when i went. i was too terrified, and she showed extreme disinterest in me. never said one word to me. had her receptionist tell me to go somewhere else.

I'm tired of being screamed at for how i feel. I'm tired of nightmares. I'm tired of PTSD flashbacks. Pain that just.. .consumes. And just told "get over it". Why should I want to live in a world that if i do anythnig i enjoy i will want to die for days to weeks afterwards, have no energy, and hurt constantly?

michiru7422 wrote:I am not angry with you. I don't want to leave. I can't read/remember some of what you've written, but some part of me has read it all. I don't always have anything to say/help, so I don't reply all the time. But know that I am reading/listening, and I will keep reading/listening.

It is my experience that mental health professionals often "haven't been there", so to speak. They don't have experience with certain things. Poverty is often one of those things. And they get frustrated when they can't help. What I mean to say is that I think they say these things because they don't know any better. But a good one will care to learn about these things as he/she gets to know you.

With dissociation, you can lose time in the present-day. Sometimes it's a loss of only certain kinds of experiences/information. If someone tells me about imaginary things like monguins or snipes, I lose that. Is it possible that this happens to you?

Problem is Michiru, I have no idea if i'm even telling you the truth of how i feel or if what i see is real or a delusion or hallucination, and apparently neither can any of the professionals. See I can't reread what i've posted. It makes me sick. I relive it. I become consumed in pain, feel profoundly ashamed, and want to die. And the voices in my head start laughing, screaming, and stuff i don't have words for.

They don't get frustrated when you can't afford something. They become aggressive, hateful, violent even sometimes. They scare me very very badly. I don't feel i can tell them the truth without them trying to murder me or have the cops blow my head off to shut me up.

I struggle to understand your dissociation example, but I think while typing this up i finally have. When i get stressed my memory turns into swiss cheese. Most of the time, not all and thus far not with this new therapist, all i remember is screaming, pain, and humiliation, and only remember details when something else triggers them through flashbacks. Which is NOT a fun way to remember something.

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