A host change? WTH?

What you just posted is proof in itself, and the denial is more proof, actually.

It could be their confusion that's keeping them out. Trying to figure out things. Have you tried talking aloud to yourself, explaining things to yourself, reading explanations to yourself, basically trying to help them understand and come to terms with things and such? Reassuring yourself and them that they're ok, you're ok, this is all ok and "normal" for what's going on, they're safe, you're safe, etc.? Self-talk can sometimes do wonders in these situations. Don't worry if you don't get replies back- just still try to talk to yourself/them in case they are listening/can listen in/can hear you. Basically take the help people have given you in understanding more about what's going on and what you've learned about DID and try to pass it on to other parts of yourself. Maybe ask your therapist for help with this? Or ideas on the situation? Or can you type to yourself instead of talk to yourself? Try typing stuff like "Hey you, read this" or something, and then try to explain things and reassure them that way.


We hope this gets better for you soon. Hang in there.


~A mixture of us(?)

Ok, thank you for the help. It's really appreciated. I was a bit fed up and cynical and demanding before, so sorry for that.

** rant-ish ** (don't know whether it's a word but it's now )

FINALLY!!!
It seems like I'm finally back. Not fully, just enough for some 'fresh air', so to say. It seems like I'm co-conscious/co-hosting/rapidly switching/blending/whatever. But it feels so much better to be back! . I once said why can't I go inside, why can't someone else take over (Host Change & other things). Well, now I know how it is to be inside... The inner world that I thought there was, well, I sometimes doubt it exists. Maybe it doesn't. At least, that's not where I went. Maybe I just can't really see it yet. I'll know one time. That's about the only thing I know for sure.

What I noticed (or, notice now), is that all the demands from 'inside' went away when I wasn't in control. Now they're back. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. I'd much rather have that than not being in control. And it seemed like emotions were less strong when inside. Music affects me now much stronger.

The switch probably happened while browsing this forum. They say I noticed, but at least I don't remember noticing it. Anyway, it wasn't forceful and it (probably) went much smoother. So I think it'll last now.

Another thing I noticed today, is that whoever was out, seemed to be like how I was a few years ago... well, "I"? Maybe that personality state / alter was out then? Just a guess. I'll have to investigate this further. First, some rest. These have been tiring days.

*update* + question

It seems like I'm now sort of half in control most of the time (?). Feels good now.

That's what I was wondering. How do you know whether you're really in control?
Most of the time, it seems like I can do what I want, but I don't feel fully in control. But not fully out of control either Anyone having the same? Maybe this is merging/blending/co-hosting?

It happens quite frequent I do things without thinking while I 'should' be thinking about it. Or that "I" say something that's not entirely what I intended, and it doesn't feel like I'm really doing it. I think this has been going on my whole life, I only started paying attention when I was obviously out of control of what I did (I think).

Welcome to the wonderful world of co-hosting/being co-conscious!! The co-hosting part is there's more than just you in control. The co-conscious part is that you're aware that there's more than just you in control. This is good progress!! And normal in DID! So don't worry- you're definitely not the only one. Like, 90% of the time now I'm aware that I'm not the only one in control, or at least aware of what's going on. I'm pretty sure it's mostly been like this, the only change is that I'm aware of it now. Yeah, you were rarely just by yourself. When you were, it was usually either 'cause you locked us out, we didn't want to be out, or we couldn't risk being anywhere near out for the appearance of normality. Well, there ya go. Explanation right there. Thanks, Kat. Usually, at this point in time, there's a couple "main" ways I know I'm in control.

1) Everything just feels really, really clear. Kinda like...waking up then having coffee. I just feel like I'm aware of everything and it's like someone turned up the "clearness" of everything, and I'm able to pay attention to everything a bit easier, too.

2) My eyes aren't dilated. I've learned that the more of us are "up front", the more my pupils dilate. (This probably doesn't apply to everyone, though).

3) Things are either quiet in my head, or they're very, very easy to "block out"/not listen to.

4) I never refer to myself or think to myself in the third person, (unless I'm doing narrating, but I know when I'm doing that, it's my own voice narrating stuff, and I know that I'm the one saying it to myself), or as multiple, so I never use "us" or "we" unless I'm specifically talking about my alters/system.


I think that's it, really. There might be a few more little things, but I can't think of them right now.


-Cassandra

Thank you. Makes a lot sense, what you've been posting.

tomboy24 wrote:1) Everything just feels really, really clear. Kinda like...waking up then having coffee. I just feel like I'm aware of everything and it's like someone turned up the "clearness" of everything, and I'm able to pay attention to everything a bit easier, too.

Huh? I always suspected this was due to some switching going on... Well, maybe that were the rare moments I was 'alone'? It is very rare, so next time I'll pay more attention to what you posted here.

tomboy24 wrote:2) My eyes aren't dilated. I've learned that the more of us are "up front", the more my pupils dilate.

Interesting... I have never paid attention to this. Maybe I'll pay attention to that more?

tomboy24 wrote:3) Things are either quiet in my head, or they're very, very easy to "block out"/not listen to.

What? Quiet? Is it ever quiet up there? Yes it is sometimes, the moments things don't go automatically without thinking. Makes a lot sense! Apparently, I'm the only one then (that's probably why things go without thinking).

Well, I don't usually use 'us' or 'we', even when talking 'among myself'. (Please, denial, go away.) Anyway, this can be confusing ("it's 'we', not 'I'!" and such). I'll get used to it, sometime, I'm sure, it's just still a bit weird.

One thing that I use to determine whether I'm in control: I try to move my fingers. Normally, one would expect they 'respond' immediately. But often, they don't move at all, in weird (non-intended) ways or 'respond' slowly. And they 'should' just do as I 'say'. There might be a few cases this doesn't work, but I think it's pretty reliable.
Another advantage is that it's possible to do it without people noticing anything weird (if done with care).

Well, I don't usually use 'us' or 'we', even when talking 'among myself'. (Please, denial, go away.) Anyway, this can be confusing ("it's 'we', not 'I'!" and such). I'll get used to it, sometime, I'm sure, it's just still a bit weird.

There is no reason to use "us" and "we" and such if you're not comfortable with it. Some multiples use singular some use plural - there's no reason for you to try to get used to it. Just use the singular form that you are comfortable with and if you feel comfortable using something else later on that should just come naturally

oaktree wrote:*update* + question

It seems like I'm now sort of half in control most of the time (?). Feels good now.

That's what I was wondering. How do you know whether you're really in control?
Most of the time, it seems like I can do what I want, but I don't feel fully in control. But not fully out of control either Anyone having the same? Maybe this is merging/blending/co-hosting?

It happens quite frequent I do things without thinking while I 'should' be thinking about it. Or that "I" say something that's not entirely what I intended, and it doesn't feel like I'm really doing it. I think this has been going on my whole life, I only started paying attention when I was obviously out of control of what I did (I think).

I know what you mean, you're not alone! I had this a few days ago but after reading this thread I get it much better now. Anyways hope it works out for you guys, glad you're back and just wanted you to know that I know what you're talking about.

lifelongthing wrote:There is no reason to use "us" and "we" and such if you're not comfortable with it.

To the outside I'm always one person (I wouldn't even be able to say I'm not really, normally). It's more on the inside. Currently, it's sometimes 'I', sometimes 'we', just what fits the situation. It seems others use 'we' more often, but often I'm not sure whether I'm saying something or someone else (guess it's someone else often). Very co-conscious, so it's a bit of both

It seems like I'm not in control most of the time... even at the T. I'm not sure about the time before but now... Well I'll just keep an eye on it (and make sure I get my time if I need it, even if he (my T) doesn't notice ). Well, whatever. I'll just see how it goes.

MeAndWings: good to know I'm not the only one

oaktree wrote:Thank you. Makes a lot sense, what you've been posting.

tomboy24 wrote:1) Everything just feels really, really clear. Kinda like...waking up then having coffee. I just feel like I'm aware of everything and it's like someone turned up the "clearness" of everything, and I'm able to pay attention to everything a bit easier, too.

Huh? I always suspected this was due to some switching going on... Well, maybe that were the rare moments I was 'alone'? It is very rare, so next time I'll pay more attention to what you posted here.
Remember that everyone's different. It could be that you're alone during those times like us, or that there's switching going on. Time will tell.

tomboy24 wrote:2) My eyes aren't dilated. I've learned that the more of us are "up front", the more my pupils dilate.

Interesting... I have never paid attention to this. Maybe I'll pay attention to that more?
I've heard that it's the same for a few people, their eyes dilate the more alters that are "up front"/co-conscious, but again, everyone's different, so you might not experience this.

tomboy24 wrote:3) Things are either quiet in my head, or they're very, very easy to "block out"/not listen to.

What? Quiet? Is it ever quiet up there? Yes it is sometimes, the moments things don't go automatically without thinking. Makes a lot sense! Apparently, I'm the only one then (that's probably why things go without thinking).
Yeah, we've noticed that if things aren't happening automatically, or if we're having troubles doing something we can normally do just fine and it's quiet in our head or something, that's usually a good indicator that we're alone up front/in control.

Well, I don't usually use 'us' or 'we', even when talking 'among myself'. (Please, denial, go away.) Anyway, this can be confusing ("it's 'we', not 'I'!" and such). I'll get used to it, sometime, I'm sure, it's just still a bit weird.
Denial is hard, but use whatever you're comfortable with. It's a choice, not a requirement. We're comfortable using we, but it did take a bit to get that way (especially after spending so long hiding and trying to seem normal and such!)


One thing that I use to determine whether I'm in control: I try to move my fingers. Normally, one would expect they 'respond' immediately. But often, they don't move at all, in weird (non-intended) ways or 'respond' slowly. And they 'should' just do as I 'say'. There might be a few cases this doesn't work, but I think it's pretty reliable.
Another advantage is that it's possible to do it without people noticing anything weird (if done with care).
Yeah, Cassandra's done little "tests" like that before, and they can be a good indicator of if you're alone or not as well. Limbs should definitely do as you "say". We've had times where we've been "stuck" before, unable to move though we're telling our limbs to, because someone else doesn't want to move or thinks they can't move or something like that. ~Phenix

I accidentally posted at the wrong place... maybe not, well anyway. The post meant for here is up there: post1048947.html#p1048947

tomboy24 wrote:Time will tell.

Maybe the best advice there is

tomboy24 wrote:We've had times where we've been "stuck" before, unable to move though we're telling our limbs to, because someone else doesn't want to move or thinks they can't move or something like that. ~Phenix

Hmm... I've suspected that before. But indeed, time will tell

Anyway, thank you! It certainly helps when people can relate (and/or explain).