Lies I am a lie...why?TRIGGER WARNING

I dont get it. I feel twisted and confused. Every month or so my feelings of being a lie go so extreme. I feel the only thing I can bear is to Kill mysef and leave my two sons and husband behind..my KIDS!!!. When i think , say or do anything, I am used to a life time of hearing it thrown back at me(inmy mind) as a lie. Everything is lie. I think it is so habit now for some sort of survival, so the parts tha t say it cant seem to drop this . My T remeinds me tha t if it is not alie, then I have to face that things are true. BUT back to t the every month thingy. So last week I was so overwhelmed trying to wrap my head around a nasty disgusting cruel memory. "MEMORY"...NOT!!!! I dont beleive it at all. I dont remeber so many of these awful things. I know I must have made it all up. I must have made my system up to, only I have NO memeory of "making it up" naming or setting ages on the parts. Setting up the HAll(system).Things I am told I have done , I have no memory of. BUT I feel the only way i can get clean is to fess up that i am a total liar. I think tha t is worse than if everything was true.So back to the monthly deal. I go into therapy last week and AGAIN, try to convince my T it is all a lie. I have made up an entire life for who knows what reason. Attention??? I dont know , cause I could have gotten positive attention if I wanted to work so hard at something. Why do I work so hard to be fake. I feel so fake adn made up though. My T exlpains things to me such as I may be lying to myself about lying( making it all up). he works with me to accept that this is real and that I can stay ambivilant about cetain issues it if I need to at this point( as I am ambivilant about jsut about everything in my LIFE dam**t. I jsut want this all to go away. I want to stop being bad. That is all I know ..to be bad, I am disgusting adn honestly I amworking extremely hard this week to live one or two moments at a time ( about 10 to 15 minutes) to not suffer the pain I deserve regardignthis becaseu it is so painful and overhwelming I woudl jsu thave to kill my self and leanve my kdis. it is tha tbad. I love them so deeply(20 adn 23 yrs old). ya knwo I could tramble on pages of telling my self I am a fake. and my inner world agreeing to keep a distance from teh truthes. I honestly dontknow what I wan t from posting this. Maybe like a confessoin. I dont know. Ther is som uch I hae rememberd to feel true, I jsut dont how to get thru this.I think I am a monster ....and the outerworld think I am a lovely kind compassionalte woman....wha ta joke aI am abusing everyone I know by being fake.

You are NOT a joke, you are NOT a lie, you are NOT faking, and you are NOT lying!

This is struggling with doubt and denial. Do not let it win! Fight! Remind yourself of what you know, of what you've felt, of what you've experienced. Remind yourself of your symptoms, of your experiences, of the proof you have all around you. Remind yourself how DID explains your symptoms, explains your experiences, and how it IS true and real. Fight the doubt and denial with constant reminders of the truth!

Here are some threads that might be helpful to you. You are not alone in your struggles, or in feeling/thinking you're fake/a lie (even though you ARE NOT fake or a lie).

-- Denial or Reality?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104217.html

-- Sub-Conscious Denial: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104173.html

-- Internal Conflict (Possible Trigger Warning, deals with denial/doubt): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic96506.html

-- I'm done lying (Trigger Warning, deals with denial/doubt): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98729.html

-- Done living this lie (deals with strong denial, anger, and arguing; has supportive replies from others) (triggering: read with caution): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97494.html


Stay strong and hang in there! Fight the denial and those doubts! I hope you feel better soon.


-Cassandra

tomboy24 wrote:Stay strong and hang in there! Fight the denial and those doubts! I hope you feel better soon.

tomboy24 wrote:You are NOT a joke, you are NOT a lie, you are NOT faking, and you are NOT lying!

I hope thie is true. I will get around to reading those links. just not yet. Youo advice makes sense, I think I could tell soemone aht stuff, but still belive that I am indeed still made up. Thanks again to you helping me get trhru this

It is true even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

With DID, you can't always trust what you feel. You have to remind yourself of facts, of what you know, and trust that only at times. Especially when fighting doubt and denial. Doubt and denial are often subconscious/reflexive defensive mechanisms meant to keep the DID, the system, and alters hidden from knowledge. These defensive mechanisms exist because the whole point of a DID system is to help you cope and function while seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible, even when you're not. If alters and the system is obvious or known about or "found out", that doesn't exactly help you to seem "normal" or "ok" at all, does it? So sometimes these defensive mechanisms will kick in because the system feels too exposed, or still doesn't fully trust that it's safe for them to come "out" now, or because someone thinks too much is being learned about too fast, or it's a response to being stressed or overwhelmed, or something like that.

It's easy for us to think, "If I didn't have alters, I wouldn't struggle so much. What proof is there that I have alters? What if I don't have DID and I'm just making life hard on myself? Why can't I just get my act together? This isn't real. I should be able to easily to x, y, an z", and other similar thoughts that can lead to us denying our DID and our alters because we think "it would be easier if it just wasn't there" and so our mind tries to make it "not there" by causing doubt/denial. This is because our thinking often boils down to "No alters = better/easier life", when this is not true. Our lives would probably be just as difficult with other issues such as PTSD, anxiety, depression, insomnia, OCD, etc., especially since if we didn't have DID, these other issues would probably be a lot worse, because they wouldn't be "spread around" and "shared" by alters. (Hope this is making sense).

Best of luck to you with this situation. Hang in there. Stay strong. Remind yourself of facts and truths and what you know, not what you think or feel.

-Cassandra

thanks again I'll keep working on it