I do not have my own body BIG TRIGGERS!!!WARNING

So one of the little girls talked a lot in therapy today. But after a while I had an issue and sent her in. I have been working on realizing that my body is the same as that of the entire Hall. Even the little girls!! I told my therapist that in the Hall everybody looks different...like they should look. Someone on this forum mentioned that selves can look diferrent in the inner world yet be the same body to the outside world. And, the selves can still be identified as individually unique to the outside world ( or something like that). Well I still felt that MY BODY was separate FROM the HAll yet I have a room in the HAll. I share a room with Kelly Diane.Well after last weeks conversation with my therapist where we revisited the topic of my being the same body, I started to believe it. I think I have been in denial. Because a couple days ago I got really pissed off. I was mad that anything bad/hurtful/dangerous/risky that i have done to my body I have also done to the little girl's body(ies). I was angry at my T because I was blaming him for saying such a thing as we share a body becaseu I care about th e little girls in our Hall a lot. I stepped in many a time while any of us were growing up. I did the most disgusting of the most disgusting things that no one else could handle. But after I moved on in life not only did male and female caregivers abuse me( I was scared to say no) I also seduced men on purpose.Sometims i was drugged and raped, other times i got reimbursed, other times I have been used and beat up by men. I was/am a whore as I dont know any other way to be. pain is my freind...but no more. A few in teh Hall cut. I do regularly, I gotta find a way to stop that.BUT now I see I will stop being sexual abruptly as i have been hurting the girls body. My therpaist says I actually spared them and helpd out a lot, A VERY LOT ,and did what I was taught I needed to d o to survive..so the entire hall could survive. But I am sick to my stomach about wha t i have done to those young girls. I was bitchy and bossy for years.I played tough adn rough with out showing feelings. I pretended/ignored i did not have feeling. I am done with that bad stuff.For one I dont know how to "be" then ,and secondly I see i must have a 50 yr old body YUCK! I feel deflated, near non existant. Like I have no strength. My T says I will still have strength when ever I need it. HE said I need to go slow in this stuff, but tha t it shows we are getting better. Just caring enough to want to fee better, I think tha t was a lot of progress.I fought anyone trying to "out" us for years. I dont plan on just magically being a 50 year old. I will not just act old.Becaseu I am not dannit. I will still love my music loud a nd my new phone, but I did quit smoking years ago cause the Hall inhaled it and was sufferring.I will still be me.My T also said today that it is alright to be mad..even bad, glad or sad. I felt very small in therapy today .I dont remember being that small since i was a little girl. I cried. SO I guess i might still get pissed about stuff, but WOW what a blow. IF I am suicidal now, I will be taking the entire hall down. Someitmes I think that would spare them the pain of life. I have wanted to send every one to heaven so the girls could be free from a tormented world.Well This was a long post. The HAll is changing , I can feel it. I agree with our T to take it slow. Kelly has been trying to push things and this is scary territory . He is alwasy telling her to take it slow. She agreed to day tha t a more natural getting better is probably more like ly to last than a focred one where we dont work together adn also take turns. So If I am pissy next time you "see" m eon this forum. I think I am jsutified to have feelings....all kinds. I got some thoughts worked out here and off my mind. take care all of you . Diane

This is great progress. I am so happy to hear that you are working with your system and healing. This must be a very very distressing discovery and I can't even imagine how you feel. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I can see that you are strong though, and you are right - you have a right to have your feelings. The very best of luck.

You have every right to be upset today, your therapist is right. You should take that time, be upset, write it out, scream into pillows! (not aloud, people my call the cops) And we are here for you if you want to talk it out until your next therapy appointment. Here you are in a safe place to do that.


b.o.d.i.e.s. a.r.e. b.o.d.i.e.s.

w.h.a.t. m.a.t.t.e.r.s. i.s. w.i.t.h.e.n.

I forgot to sign my name in original post...Diane ..I have edited it in.
You are so understandinag. ANd to have read that long bunch a words . thank you thankyou.

It's no problem, sweetie. That's what this forum is for. And rant, plead, ramble here anytime you want. Heck, I couldn't write such a long post, my brain rambles on but I can't seem to get all of my thoughts on the computer like that.

Of course we read what you write This is a great place to get support, and I'm glad you're able to make use of it. Best of luck

Well done Diane! That's a big step you took. Accepting that your body is a shared body and everybody inside is responsible for it is one of those realizations where I thought my brain would pop like a balloon with too much air. It takes a while getting used to it haha but it's awesome you've come to this realization. I think ya shouldn't be beating yourself up for the past and what happened. Its of course ok to be upset but i think you did what you needed to keep you alive. And you did what you knew but you shouldnt be mad at yourself for things you didnt know, like sharing the body. I still cut, sometimes. Linn has walked on glass too many times. Ell used to hurt the body to punish or seek revenge, or put us in dangerous situations where bad things happened... But at the time we didn't have other ways to cope with stuff. It's a maladaptive  way to survive but it keeps us alive during some reaalllllyyyy bleak years during crisis moments. You didn't purposefully or even knowingly hurt the girls. You are a strong and awesome chick for living through all you have and i totes agree with your Doc that you helped the System by taking the brunt of some truly terrible $#%^.It's an even bigger step that you're feeling and accepting the feelings and talking about them!! That's so good! You are entitled to feel and allowed to share your emotional experiences! For a long time I didn't have emotion, I was a stone bitch to get the job done, and boy when I started feeling it was overwhelming!! But it's a good thing. Once it settles down its kind of nice to feel. Congrats on all this moving forward! I hope it gets easier on ya soon.

thanks galaxies...I have to go...thank so much.I might post to ya later..you got me thinking

You are most welcome Diane this is really good progress you've made. I hope I didn't come across the wrong way, that happens to me often. But anyway, it's really great you're moving forward even though moving forward (especially emotionally) is a raw and painful and scary and awkward thing. Take care, girl!

galaxies wrote:You are most welcome Diane this is really good progress you've made. I hope I didn't come across the wrong way, that happens to me often. But anyway, it's really great you're moving forward even though moving forward (especially emotionally) is a raw and painful and scary and awkward thing. Take care, girl!

Oh I dont think you came off the wrong way. You did a great thing today. The board has been supportive. Thank you for sharing the details...I felt so much better knowing I am not alone in this situation adn phase of recovery. You jus t knew the words. I am doin g okay about this and another reason I am doing okay is that me adn the HUsband have recently become close..not physical, but i alwasy felt he was a jerk and he can be ajerk, but he is the most kind gernouse devoted ,understanding jerk out there. HE is sooo good to us. I was so busy playin gtough I ignored him. NO more.