Experiences with uncertainty of who you are/how you feel?

*Possibly Triggering topic, discussing not knowing for sure who you are, how you feel, etc.*

So, I've decided to post about this, because this has now happened a couple times.

Recently, there's been a couple times where I've woken up, feeling fuzzy and disorientated, and I have no idea who's "out" or even who I am (meaning, I honestly couldn't tell you right now if I was Cassandra, or Kyra, or L.C., or anything like that). I feel like I'm just here, no real name or ties to anything, and I can't tell honestly tell if I feel a mixture of a bunch of things at once or nothing at all. I just feel "here", and that's about it. I can still get feelings if something causes them, like if something makes me mad or sad or something, and I can usually tell where they're mainly coming from (like anger from Kat), but overall I just feel "meh"/nothing, really.

Everything seems unreal in a sense, too. Kinda like a dream, but not to the point to where it makes me question if things are real. I'm still aware they are, realize they are, and know they are, but everything just seems "off" somehow. It's almost like... that state of disbelief when you're surprised or shocked, and you're just there thinking to yourself "Did that just really happen?" even though you know without a doubt it did, you're just asking yourself that because you're still processing the fact that it did happen and such. It's like a constant state of that almost.

I can't tell if we're switching unless we post on here, because we can tell who's voice it is when they start responding verbally to a thread, or when they say they want to respond/post, or something like that. But otherwise, I can't tell if we're switching or co-conscious or what. For some reason, I have the urge to say "We're sliding around like penguins on ice". So I guess we're switching rapidly, just sliding in and out then, or something.
Now that I focus on it, it's like someone made everything super fuzzy and super slippery. Everything inside is fuzzy and unclear, including communications, and we're all sliding in and out of being in control/up front so much that we have clear no idea who's out, who all is up front, or who all is switching.

If I had anything else to say, I just lost it because my mind just went blank it seems. But anyway, point of this post:
Has anyone had similar experiences like this? What are your experiences of having uncertainty concerning who you are and how you feel? How often do you feel like this? Do you notice if it's connected to switches or being co-conscious or anything at all?


- A mixture of us(?)

Oh my....it seems lately that's all I feel. I split so rapidly sometimes I cant keep up.

Lately I feel like I'm ALWAYS co-conscious....I feel like everyone inside is watching and analyzing. I'm now answering people five different ways for one question. I often just stare...it looks like I'm gone, but I've just opened up to so many Others that I don't know who I am or sometimes what's going on.

I truly feel, in my case, it's a situation of being almost always co-conscious right now....now that I know everyone is there, and real, they all want their say.

I know I'm not much help, but I do empathize. I'm going through the EXACT same thing right now...for about a week now, with no end in sight.

I know you know this, but journalling has helped in so much that I can go back and re-read what was written (I just open up and let whomever write) and identify the, through sentences and thoughts. I go back daily to my writings, and let myself and whomever is around to read and identify.

That's the best I got right now...you've helped me so much since I joined this forum that I hope I gave back a bit!

I always feel like that in the morning, and occasionally during the day. I wake up to the feeling of 'who am I?' 'why do I feel so out of it and disconnected?' 'is that really me feeling this?' Actually I've had that sensation in the morning for the past couple of years. My husband (when we were dating and I'd stay over) noticed pretty quickly that I always acted a little off in the morning. He assumed I just wasn't a morning person and proceeded to do all the cooking and coffee making, which he still does. It makes enjoying breakfast difficult because it feels like one moment I like what I'm eating, one moment I don't and at the very same time it's all, like you said, unreal.

I have no idea what co-consciousness feels like. I couldn't even begin to know whether what I experience is anywhere near that.

Hey guys

Yes I get that randomly at times too. It happened today in therapy in fact. T asked if I was back and I eventually nodded but didn't feel like "just" me at all. And T said also someone else was lingering around because of my body language that was v different. Anothee example - last night during an argument with the police I suddenly sat back and thought- this doesn't sound like me. Turns out it wasn't but I always like to think I'm in control so was sat at the front regardless thinking it was me. I knew who it was by the mannerisms etc eventually.

This is coming out less clear then I want it to. I apologise! Basically- yes I know what you mean

Bourbon.

moks wrote:Oh my....it seems lately that's all I feel. I split so rapidly sometimes I cant keep up.

"Splitting" and switching are two completely different things. Switching is what happens when control of the body goes from one alter to another.

"Splitting", well, as far as "splitting goes, *Possible Trigger, DID development* "splitting" doesn't actually happen, not even in DID. "Splitting" is an old theory of how alters come to be, and unfortunately, it's the only word that fits to describe things sometimes.

What happens with DID is that the neurons that make up your personality get disrupted/interrupted during their structuring processes. And so instead of the neurons becoming structured, "fitting" together, and forming a whole personality, the neurons instead stay separate, creating different "sides" of a personality, which later on develop into/create alters.

This thread might be interesting to you:
Is there such a thing as splitting?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101763.html

moks wrote:That's the best I got right now...you've helped me so much since I joined this forum that I hope I gave back a bit!

Knowing that we are not alone, and reading about your experiences are plenty helpful! Advice isn't always the only way to help someone.


~The Hawk (P.S., Moks, I apologize for not answering your PM yet, but I hope you understand, and I do plan to answer it as soon as I/we are able).

wronglesson wrote:I always feel like that in the morning, and occasionally during the day. I wake up to the feeling of 'who am I?' 'why do I feel so out of it and disconnected?' 'is that really me feeling this?' Actually I've had that sensation in the morning for the past couple of years. My husband (when we were dating and I'd stay over) noticed pretty quickly that I always acted a little off in the morning. He assumed I just wasn't a morning person and proceeded to do all the cooking and coffee making, which he still does. It makes enjoying breakfast difficult because it feels like one moment I like what I'm eating, one moment I don't and at the very same time it's all, like you said, unreal.

I have no idea what co-consciousness feels like. I couldn't even begin to know whether what I experience is anywhere near that.

Thanks for sharing! Lately we've been having similar experiences with food in general. Sorry to hear breakfast can be so difficult for you.

People often don't recognize or realize they're co-conscious sometimes, because it often just seems to feel as if something's "off", or they just don't feel quite like themselves, and it's not always obvious or noticeable. One of the reasons that you might not feel like yourself at times could be possible co-consciousness, but one shouldn't jump to conclusions quickly. Still, it is something to consider and think about. Knowing when you are co-consciousness comes with increased awareness, which is helped by learning more about your alters, your system, and how things operate within your system. (As I'm sure you've "heard" me "say" before ).


~The Hawk

-- Fri Jan 04, 2013 6:41 pm --

bourbon wrote:Hey guys

Yes I get that randomly at times too. It happened today in therapy in fact. T asked if I was back and I eventually nodded but didn't feel like "just" me at all. And T said also someone else was lingering around because of my body language that was v different. Anothee example - last night during an argument with the police I suddenly sat back and thought- this doesn't sound like me. Turns out it wasn't but I always like to think I'm in control so was sat at the front regardless thinking it was me. I knew who it was by the mannerisms etc eventually.

This is coming out less clear then I want it to. I apologise! Basically- yes I know what you mean

Bourbon.

Bourbon! Great to see you again! I hope you're doing well! I visit your blog every so often. Actually I think Kat does. I think I remember she had taken a liking to Poppi. But either way I'm there too.

Anyway, thanks for replying! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in what I experience. Especially with the whole "sitting at the front thinking it's me" thing. I've noticed I actually do that a lot, and I've been learning to recognize when I'm more of like a "vessel" and alters are just going "through" me instead of them actually being "out" for whatever reason. It can get really confusing to people that know us, because they'll be like "Wait, was that you or Kat? It was your voice, but Kat's words", and stuff like that. One thing I've learned is that sometimes the other alters look at me as the "default", especially in terms of voice, and so if they don't feel like being completely out or if it's hard for them to be fully out or something like that, they'll usually just use my voice and stuff because it's easiest since it's the "default".

Wow. First time today I've felt like me. It'll probably go away after I stop posting, 'cause I think what's happening is that we fully switch for posts and that's it right now, but oh well.


-Cassandra

tomboy24 wrote:

moks wrote:Oh my....it seems lately that's all I feel. I split so rapidly sometimes I cant keep up.

"Splitting" and switching are two completely different things. Switching is what happens when control of the body goes from one alter to another.

"Splitting", well, as far as "splitting goes, *Possible Trigger, DID development* "splitting" doesn't actually happen, not even in DID. "Splitting" is an old theory of how alters come to be, and unfortunately, it's the only word that fits to describe things sometimes.

What happens with DID is that the neurons that make up your personality get disrupted/interrupted during their structuring processes. And so instead of the neurons becoming structured, "fitting" together, and forming a whole personality, the neurons instead stay separate, creating different "sides" of a personality, which later on develop into/create alters.

This thread might be interesting to you:
Is there such a thing as splitting?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101763.html

moks wrote:That's the best I got right now...you've helped me so much since I joined this forum that I hope I gave back a bit!

Knowing that we are not alone, and reading about your experiences are plenty helpful! Advice isn't always the only way to help someone.


~The Hawk (P.S., Moks, I apologize for not answering your PM yet, but I hope you understand, and I do plan to answer it as soon as I/we are able).

Thanks Hawk, still getting the lingo down. 'Switching' is what we meant for sure then. I see where Switching and Co-Consciousness differ, DID is so layered, fascinating, but layered. My BPD seems so small now that the DID is here.

Don't worry about that PM timing, we have nothing but time. Hope you're doing better!

Definitely felt like this. It doesn't happen very often, but comes in periods at a time (like a few days at a time etc). I haven't found a way to remedy it other than just giving it time and doing what each alter prefers best, to kind of force full switches to "solidify" it more if it becomes too uncomfortable to just wait. Sorry we can't be of more help. Good luck.

tomboy24 wrote:Bourbon! Great to see you again! I hope you're doing well! I visit your blog every so often. Actually I think Kat does. I think I remember she had taken a liking to Poppi. But either way I'm there too.

~Thanks Cassandra Poppy is in quite a bad way at the moment. Been really self destructive and arguing with the therapist too but I hope she will return to her usual self soon (seems odd saying that). Thanks for checking in on us anyway I'm glad you are still here (and in fact returned quite recently I believe?) It's good to see you, really good. It looks like you have come such a long way in knowing your system since I have been gone. Really good to see

Bourbon

bourbon wrote:

tomboy24 wrote:Bourbon! Great to see you again! I hope you're doing well! I visit your blog every so often. Actually I think Kat does. I think I remember she had taken a liking to Poppi. But either way I'm there too.

~Thanks Cassandra Poppy is in quite a bad way at the moment. Been really self destructive and arguing with the therapist too but I hope she will return to her usual self soon (seems odd saying that). Thanks for checking in on us anyway I'm glad you are still here (and in fact returned quite recently I believe?) It's good to see you, really good. It looks like you have come such a long way in knowing your system since I have been gone. Really good to see

Bourbon

Sorry to butt in on the thread I'm sorry to hear Poppy's not doing so well. Gemma took a liking to her, too (kindred spirits ) Hope she's doing better soon.

Glad to hear you're feeling more like 'yourself', Cassandra. It seems like there are a lot of changes going on with you guys at the moment, so maybe you're all kind of confused and fuzzy. I hope things clear up a bit.

Poppy is in quite a bad way at the moment. Been really self destructive and arguing with the therapist too but I hope she will return to her usual self soon (seems odd saying that).

I, too, hope she feels better very soon