One of wife's alters "dumped me" kinda today!

(Eli - husband of DID Jennifer) *Small sex convo near the end. vague however*

All in all I am not toooo hurt. lol. a little but not really. Im sure she will come around.

Background - My wife is 29, Jennifer. When she needs a much needed break usually Lucy and Amber take over for 3-4 day stints. Lucy is 22 and very affectionate and the #1 substitute teacher and we are very close. Of my wifes system the 2 of them are the most stable adults, and hence are the biggest part of my relationships. On a side note, due to Lilly's past Jennifer has no issue at all with Lucy and Amber and I having a sexual relationship. This goes for Lilly and some other sub alters as well and gladly has one of them come around if they need personal attention.

More recently Jennifer has been very depressed and Lucy and Amber chose to co-host for a week. The issue is that Amber feels hurt if she doesnt feel the personal time was "as good as what Lucy does" and because of her hurt she wants to be platonic. This isnt a shock as over the past year that Ive known her she has always had a good time with me, but we are not as close emotionally to each other. She is maybe the only one who really has no desire to "take over" as the main host and at times would be gone for months on end , "traveling all over britain". (shes very british).

So yah, here is where i need advice. I REALLY need Amber to be a large part of this team. The host is not in a good place at the moment and Amber REALLY knows how to keep a house tight. She cooks, cleans, is THE most responsible part of the team and is a fantastic mother as well. Heck my son NEVER eats his greens unless Amber makes him! In fact she keeps me in line too and i dont argue with her and eat MY greens! The other options to be at the forefront are Lilly, Lilith, J , Jane and Miranda (who is 15) and believe me...those do not need to be around for more than the few hours to a full day when they are around. Lucy and Amber are the most level headed adults and I need to make things right with Amber.

She said she will keep coming around, but for our sons sake. She and him really bonded finally and our son loves her the most next to his mother. Ive taken Amber out to the Olive Garden a few times this past month (mainly because noone there knows us and wont be asking about the Manchester accent) and really connected as well but not to the degree of falling in love at this point.

So , i guess in a way im answering my own question here. I need to treat her the way she wants to be treated and if she wants to be a nanny and not a lover I can deal with that. Lucy thinks she will come around and that she just got her feelings hurt because our intimate night wasnt as 'flashy' as Lucys was the night before. I worked 11 hours and played pogo with Amber for 3 more so when it was bedtime i was ready to pass out. Hence it was a 30 minute evening. When we woke up she said that after i fell asleep she cried herself to sleep because she didnt feel good enough.

Do any of you all have them getting jealous with eachother and doing simular things to the SO? Kinda feel dumped in a way but Ill be okay. Not to many places in the world where a guy can talk about this sort of thing and have ANYONE reMOTELY understand wtf im talking about or can relate. Any help or words of advice would be wonderful.

Eli, SO to Jenn'sCastle wrote:When we woke up she said that after i fell asleep she cried herself to sleep because she didnt feel good enough.

One thing I'm not clear on from your post is this: is Amber upset because she didn't get what she thinks Lucy got or didn't give what she thinks Lucy gave? Perhaps that part isn't quite clear to you either.

In any case, we can relate. Eli, like every significant other of a person with DID, you are in effect practicing polyamory. You love and live with multiple alters in a family of the "polyfidelity" variety. Of course there are a wide variety of situations that activate feelings of jealousy and competition.

Of the many books in print now about polyamory, two are especially highly recommended:

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (2009)

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino (2008)

"is Amber upset because she didn't get what she thinks Lucy got or didn't give what she thinks Lucy gave? Perhaps that part isn't quite clear to you either."

Wow you just made me think.

Okay I asked Lucy to come upstairs and read that quote and she says she thinks its because I give her, Lucy, "more" than I give her. Its actually just coincidence that the last 2-3 nights that Amber is out and we end up intimate that I am way more tired and exhasted due to hard sched those nights. Also Ive been trying to get to know her on a personal level more (hence the long dinner dates and one on one time) and not trying to shove her into bed at 9pm right after my son falls asleep lol. Id rather spend 3 hours playing gin or monopoly on Pogo with her or talking and then going to bed. Apparently that grand idea backfired and she wanted more of the affection? Women are hard to figure out!! More than 1 is in inself insane to try to accomplish lol. Lucy and I have been in this way longer and hence our nights together can go differently.

Well throughout the day I have come to accept that when Amber is around (and she will be more frequently and thats a GOOD thing in my situation right now) I will not pressure her and wait until(if ever) she needs affection.

The weird thing was trying to sort out feelings that i have for an alter of my wife and having that alter flat out tell me that she doesnt want us to be 'personal' and she just wants to be a nanny and plotonic. That was slightly hard because my son's fav. is Amber and due to the fact that she is maybe the best Mrs. Poppins type of wife that I have, I hence am strongly attracted to her and almost have a 15yo boy type of crush on her. and yes, we actually have had REALLY good sex together but just not as frequent. Until November it was just 1 night with Amber every 6 weeks or so. Now its 2-3 nights a week (due to the system needing solid fillins for a host who is not in a good place). So ill make the best of it! I told my wife "or for worse" and "til death" and i now spread that oath out to all of them. Very odd way to be 'dumped' though lol. And very few places to talk about it without people screaming all sorts of hate. Ill check out those books as well and any other advice Ill listen to. Eventually they will get on here and post, but for now my wife/system just reads.

I'm glad you've come to realize what the issue really is and have found a way you think might help remedy the situation

Best of luck to you all.

Eli, SO of Jenn'sCastle wrote:I have come to accept that when Amber is around [...] I will not pressure her and wait until (if ever) she needs affection.

Wait a minute. I asked you how Amber feels, and you reported back what Lucy thinks about how Amber feels. That is triangulation. Don't do that! Talk directly to the alter in question.

Also, it sounds to me like Amber is using a common defense known as cutting off her nose to spite her face. First she complained that she didn't get something (extra hot sex) and then she said she doesn't want it or any sex for that matter. If you take her "doesn't want it" message at face value, and ignore her previous message that she did want it, you may be making a very big mistake in your relationship with her.

"Wait a minute. I asked you how Amber feels, and you reported back what Lucy thinks about how Amber feels. That is triangulation. Don't do that! Talk directly to the alter in question. "

You are prob. right about this yes. Amber and Lucy are fairly co-conscious so all i had at the time was Lucy's input on the situation. I try not to "ask" certain people to come out as the switching causes migranes a lot. Ill most likely get to speak to her at some point in the next day or 2. I have a babysitter on call for the next 2-3 days and plan on going out with whomever is present tonight. Ill keep my fingers crossed that she chooses to come out and have some time with me.

I wasn't able to read all of this, as I'm barely "out" actually, but I thought I'd stop by and at least try to offer a hand of some sort.

Here are some threads that might be helpful to you. These first threads are written by an SO, discussing troubles with alters in the relationship and you might be able to identify them, if not at least maybe find them interesting. (I'll try to list them in an order that makes the most sense, as they are all short and are kind-of "follow up" threads for each other).

- Not sure what to do: http://www.psychforums.com/post939312.html
- Direction, I'm lost: http://www.psychforums.com/post941042.html
- No clue, please help: http://www.psychforums.com/post941967.html
- Just Jack: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98758.html


These threads deal with relationships in general, including communication and such with alters, and they may be helpful to you:
- Girlfriend explained to me that she has Alters (discusses how to go about handling a relationship with a DID system/alters, communication with alters, and how to "handle" protector alters): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101047.html

- How does your significant other handle your alters? : http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic75266.html

- Relationship Advice...Alters in love with others? (discusses the risk of cheating, communication, compromising, and understanding): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98966.html

- What should we do!?!? (discusses the risks of having very sexual/promiscuous alters and how to reduce them): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100219.html

- I just don't give a f*#k *TW whatever* (deals with conflicts between single and taken alters/hosts) (possibly triggering): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100425.html

- Sophie cheated on my BF (possibly triggering): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97579.html

- I can't take this anymore (deals with conflicts between host/alter about relationships, cheating, and how to help sexual/promiscuous alters) (possibly triggering): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97942.html

- Alters and cheating: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic76523.html


Hope these are helpful to you in some way, and best of luck to you with everything.


-KAT