Talk with myself (or not) about what's going on with me

Greetings everyone,

As per oaktree's suggestion (in dissociative-identity/topic103617.html ; trigger warning), and to stop hijacking and polluting other threads inappropriately, here I created my own thread to reason about what is going on with me. After having done the "I'm a liar and probably suffer from factitious disorder" ... "scenario" (I was "sizzling hot" from a conflict with my parents, and lacked a retrospective view of my situation), I'm back in partial denial and/or questioning. I will simply post my reflections in a revised and condensed form (well, I may break from that restricted approach if needed) here, as they come and go.

Feel free to comment and post food for thought; I rarely seek external help, but with my current environment and my current situation, I feel the need for help and insight from other persons going or having gone through a similar phase.

Oh, and I know, this post is ridiculously long (so much for the condensed approach ). Sorry for that, but then you can just answer to the parts you feel are relevant, in the way you deem the most relevant.

Oh, and before I forget about it, this thread may contain triggering material.

"Heeeeere we goooooo !!!!" [Super Mario 64 style]

--- Causes for doubting again ---

First of all, one should mention the event and the general context that brings me back to being in a questioning phase again. The general context being simply that I notice several dissociative symptoms and other related manifestations again (which oddly disappeared for a while, just as I was finally accepting DID after having been hospitalized): poor working memory, forgetting skills at which I am proficient, forgetting that I have done something when I thought I did not, or it's opposite, being certain I did something, and later realizing I hadn't, getting absorbed by reading material, music, movies up to the point of unresponsiveness unless being touched (and even then), feeling like a puppeteer of my own body (that actually hasn't changed since ... a long time, actually, at least several years, can't tell more precisely), forgetting where I am headed in car, forgetting where I am and orientation sense in a known place, being unable to concentrate, feeling "fuzzy" all of a sudden, forgetting known information, losing track of a conversation and it's entire subject mid-sentence, looking for stuff where it used to be a long time ago, placing stuff where it used to be a long time ago when I know where it goes nowadays, watching a movie that I like and not remembering it at all, the list could go on for quite some (extra) time ...

Now, I spent the last two days at a friend's place. My friend, obviously afflicted by a few mental issues of her own, constantly lived in an environment of parental negligence. She moved away in the summer for her studies, and it was hard for her to come back to her dad's place for the holidays. The event that particularly brought suspicion over what is going on with me is strange, even for me. I apparently entered a trance on the first evening there, where I would not answer to my name, but would answer if called "Slave" (in english, whereas I live in a french-speaking part of Canada), and would do anything that I was asked. At some point she decided to get me for a walk outside because her brothers were trying to get me to undress completely naked. I don't remember a good part of the evening, including the walk where I was "apparently normal", which is odd. Then on the next morning, it happened just after we woke up. She got some Majora's Mask soundtrack on, and I just completely disconnected again. "I" would answer to my name though this time. She realized that her brothers were playing that particular Zelda game the evening before, so after I snapped out of it, we did an experience: that song gets me very quickly into a state of hypnosis (she's familiar with it, her school therapist uses it with her to calm her panic attacks) where I will do anything that is asked of "me". Moreover, during the night, I apparently woke up and started "guarding" her and I was looking for a sharp knife. Of course, I don't remember it at all, and I woke up perfectly refreshed. I am still wondering whether she dreamed that part about me "guarding her" or not, as she sees me kind of like a protective brother.

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The reflection about psychological flexibility or "How good an actor am I, hm, dad ?"
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I have a certain easiness towards acting. I find it easy to emulate (note the term) cohesive and convincing theatre characters. My dad tells me I'm faking a lot of stuff (like my freezing jaw that makes it to talk outside when it's cold, or me not remembering some obvious piece of information), and that my ability for good acting makes it seem real for a lot of people. I decided to engage that ability with another viewpoint. If I have a disorder on the dissociative continuum, it makes a lot of sense for me to be able to emulate other characters or features easily, since my personality would lack the level of integration and cohesion from "normal" people, which, in turn, would make it easy to be that flexible when needed or wanted (or even when not so much). On the other hand, all the social workers, psychologist, psychiatrist and other mental health workers I've met talk about my psychorigidity when not under a situation where one needs to be flexible, which makes my situation quite paradoxal. Able to emulate other people, characters or personality traits in a remarkably unnoticeable way (with a great deal of mental effort, might I add), yet rather psychorigid down the core. Also note how I say "emulate" instead of "becoming"; it relates how unnatural this is to me, while being at the same time convincing, easy yet remarkably mentally taxing.

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The case of the possible host change, or the one topic I consider to have the highest priority in terms of help needed.
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I have read a bit about host changes, both on this forum and elsewhere. It "almost" fits how I feel about the general situation I'm in. Many memories from before August this year feel estranged (as in, not mine) to me, but I remember them. Some "transformation" probably has occured from the "me" before August, but I do not feel like there was a discontinuity while some persons knowing me noticed not massive but still significant changes to my overall personality, and the way I relate to others and act in general. My parents are oblivious to that drastic change because I maintain an "illusion" of continuity (well, assuming there really was a host change, so the illusion could also apply to me/"me"/whatever I'm so lost now). So, in addition to the perspective of possible serious mental disorder, there is the one that "I" from this summer and before is not the same as I, right now, with both "I" and I not being sure and/or aware of it. That is ridiculously mindscrewing.

Ironically, that topic requiring higher priority help is dependent on me accepting a diagnosis of DID or DDNOS. On the other hand, it might prove to be the key in understanding and accepting what is going on with me.

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The possibilities I see
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This is the part where I simply have problems thinking rationally (for reasons explained lower, in the "Dilemma" section). I don't see myself as having DID for the purely intuitive reason that I don't believe I went through significant abuse. There is the rational part of me that hates that intuitive stuff, because it can hardly be proved. If I was to honestly ask my mom, she would say she's the best one there ever was, is or will be in the entire multiverse. My dad considers himself to be a good dad because he practices what he calls "tough love". On the other hand, even when thinking rationally about this, it's pretty hard to imagine that I could have undergone significant abuse, since there are no physical, undeniable manifestations of it, only mental ones, which can, are and maybe will be denied. So I look at DDNOS, example 1 ... which does not fit. I read that the main distinction between DID and DDNOS-1 would be that there is no amnesia. But if I don't even realize the switching, and can only realize that I have amnesia from later retellings, well,it can't be that. On the other hand, I am believing I am faking DID, and my other alters. Honestly, I'm lost. I'm completely lost because even my categorizing, pattern-matching of a mind does not see itself as either one of these. Especially the DID criterion that says that one should "regularly switch­". As far as I know, I don't regularly "switch" (excluding earlier said event), or else, someone would notice ... right ?

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The dilemma
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Now, what bothers me most is the following dilemma: if I am faking, then I am crazy, and not even being aware of it, because even though I believe I am faking, I don't feel like I am; on the other hand, if I really have a serious dissociative disorder, then, most probably, bad stuff lingers in my unknown past ... and I don't know which one I prefer between being an unaware faker or really having serious issues to dredge up and fix. Especially in my current family environment, where knives are flying rather low since a few weeks, and support is ... limited, to say it politely.

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Addendum about unusual experiences, list form
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- I have the urge to do things I would not normally do (and I am not sure whether I wish to elaborate on that)
- I have had the need to listen to music I honestly normally dislike.
- I have had thoughts of violent behavior, both towards myself and others, while I am far from being even remotely violent.
- I have had dreams where I would be kind of the spectator of someone else's dreams (if that makes sense). That "dream theater" (yes, as in, I see the "other's dream" like a movie at the theater) always, always looks exactly the same and is part of large, very elegant house or manor that I can explore, in a lucid dream kind of way, but it is difficult to do so. It is stable in time, for the most part. It is ... non-Euclidean, though. And it has a/the "Completely Retargettable Room", which is kind of like a Holodeck, or the secret room that can morph to whatever you want in Harry Potter. And I am totally unable to explain the larger "world" the whole manor sits in, for now. I have had some dreams that repeated themselves exactly the same in the past, but those lucid dreams (they are always lucid dreams) always take place in the same environment, but with a different dream at the "theatre". And the same people are always there, for the most part, but they seem only barely aware of me, and me of them; it looks like what an analog TV would look like with a bad or faint signal, only with more transparency, and I scare them because I appear the same, but only intermittently otherwise I'm "invisible", if I have understood well what they say.

With such a long post, I feel the need to stop there, and continue later. It is difficult anyway to maintain the concentration required to write this, as well as remembering everything I wish(ed) to talk about (I forgot some/a lot)

See you later, me, "me", myself, I and "I" !

P.S.: For others, feel free to add thought material to this ... well, I was going to call it a monologue, but that somehow feels inappropriate.

This is Alysone. I feel like my whole life is an act and that I'm faking it. Sometimes I feel.like I'm faking the DID and the alters and sometimes I feel like I'm them and faking me if that makes sense. I have many times when I feel like I made this all up and then I think I must really be sick mentally to have so convincingly lived this whole abuse lie for 25 years. But then something happens with my body where I have a body memory if specific pain memory or find handwriting that's not mine and I realize that I am not making this up. I get how you're not sure which would be worse, faking it and what that means or not halo.g it and coming to the realization that DID is real. I think this is a common thing with DID because at its very core, DID seems to me to have developed to cope and the feeling that 'I don't want to be here' or 'this isn't happening to me', so by its very nature It's like its all made up. I font know if this is coming out the way I intend it to be. I'm trying to say that I think DID is very real and true, but its very nature is like its not. Does that make sense? Denial is pretty hard to overcome, but for me, accepting myself as DID is better than thinking I've been living a lie all these years, and I know when I get that way, It's just my denial kicking into high gear. Hope this helps, even if all you get from this OS that you're not alive in the confusion of this. Alysone

It is EXTREMELY common to deal with denial and doubt with DID, because denial and doubt are often subconscious/reflexive defensive mechanism meant to help alters and DID systems stay hidden. Remember, alters/DID systems are meant to help the host/"main one out" cope with things while seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible. If alters/DID systems are obvious, or if they are "found out", then that doesn't exactly help the host to seem "normal" or "ok".

Our current host, Cassandra, still battles with denial. She has believed herself to be lying, faking, having factitious disorder, the works. But every time, one of us ends up proving to her somehow, in some way, that yes, we are real, yes, we are still here, no, we are not going away, no, we are not lies, no, we are not fake, and yes, she/we do have DID (or at least DDNOS-1). Last time the denial was bad (which was a couple months ago, actually), Shay forced herself "out" and refused to let anyone else come "out"/back "out" until Cassandra realized/admitted that Shay was not fake or a lie, and that DID was indeed a possibility.

When dealing with denial, it is extremely important to recognize and realize denial and doubts for what they are- defensive mechanisms meant to keep (possible) alters/DID systems hidden. It's also very important to remind yourself of any undeniable truths/facts, such as DID symptoms you experience/have experienced (don't let a "lull" in symptoms make you doubt yourself, sometimes "lull's" happen), dissociative experiences you've had, voices you've heard, etc. It's also important to keep in mind that it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for one to make themselves believe they have or seem like they have DID/DDNOS-1. To do so would require a lot of conscious effort- you can't "make yourself" believe or seem like you have DID/DDNOS-1 just from researching it or being around others with it or anything like that.

As far as factitious disorder goes, it's been a while since anyone in this system's check out that forum and such, but if I remember correctly, usually factitious disorder deals with physical conditions, such as kidney problems or cancers or other things like that. And even when concerning mental conditions, there's three huge clues that can help you realize you're not faking something- #1, how far back to your dissociative symptoms/experiences go?, #2, how consistent is everything for you (aka do you hear the same voice, do you see the same hallucination of a person, do you have pretty much the same symptoms despite any "lull's" in their occurrence, etc)., and #3, when did you learn about DID/are you an attention-seeker? And I mean this as in, do you truly want and seek attention, or do you just think that you do even though you really don't (or at least, don't try to)? These three clues are huge because #1, depending on how far back your symptoms/experiences go, that should prove right there that you're not faking or lying. #2, if you were faking or lying without any true conscious effort (aka being aware of your lies/faking), nothing would be consistent, or at least not consistent enough to convince a professional if you went to get a diagnosis. And #3, well, depending on when you learned about DID, that should also tell you right there that you're not lying or faking, because how could you lie about/fake something you didn't know about? I know for us, we displayed symptoms and were experiencing things long before we ever knew about DID or what it could be that we were experiencing. And as for the attention-seeking part, well, most people with DID don't want attention, though they often unintentionally draw it to themselves at times if/when they show or others "catch" dissociative symptoms such as lost time or extreme changes in behaviour (usually due to a switch).


Here are some threads that deal with denial that might be interesting and/or helpful to you:
--I'm done lying *Possibly Triggering* (deals with denial, has positive feedback from others) (possibly triggering): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98729.html

--Done living this lie (deals with strong denial, anger, and arguing; has supportive replies from others) (triggering: read with caution): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97494.html

--Internal Conflict (deals with denial, arguing, communication, and understanding) (possibly slightly triggering): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic96506.html


~The Hawk

Wow. That was a long read. But it's good you've done this, it may help clear things up (for yourself).

What you are describing as dissociative symptoms are all huge symptoms. Apparently answering to another name at some point, being different then and having bad memory of the event afterwards is a huge marker for DID.

You seem to live in a not-so-healthy environment. This might be the reason the doubt starts again. Actually, this could very well be the cause of the dissociation. Remember that everyone handles these things differently and is able to handle a different amount of stress. This thread might be helpful: My explanation

lifepuzzle wrote:- I have the urge to do things I would not normally do (and I am not sure whether I wish to elaborate on that)

Sometimes. But usually in the form of #3

lifepuzzle wrote:- I have had the need to listen to music I honestly normally dislike.

Yes! For example, now. I can just do whatever I want, but once I want to change it, I freeze. When I really had enough of it and forced my way out and was at the point of changing it, doubt started. So I thought there probably was some insider that really wanted to listen to that music. So I let it.
I struggle often about the music I listen, as there seems to be disagreement about.

lifepuzzle wrote:- I have had thoughts of violent behavior, both towards myself and others, while I am far from being even remotely violent.

Yes, often. Not towards others, towards me. This was the reason I started researching mental disorders, as I was quite scared of it. And I think others inside wanted to know too .

lifepuzzle wrote:- I have had dreams where I would be kind of the spectator of someone else's dreams (if that makes sense). That "dream theater" (yes, as in, I see the "other's dream" like a movie at the theater) always, always looks exactly the same and is part of large, very elegant house or manor that I can explore, in a lucid dream kind of way, but it is difficult to do so.

This might be a kind of inner world. You seem to be able to talk to them. Maybe you could try to talk to them about the possible DID (as you say the dreams are lucid)? Meeting alters in dreams seems to be common:
My Experiment
Access Denied (Update) (follow-up to the previous thread)
Dreams of Inner Space and parts

Whatever it may turn out to be, I hope you'll find peace of mind with this. (But for what you've written, I would be surprised if it wasn't DID).

See the introduction of the first post for general information. This is mostly factual information, and less reflexion.

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Wine, and its effect on symptoms
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Yesterday was New Year's Eve, and I drank wine during dinner. What an error. When we played cards shortly after I would get all confused, even though I drank a half-glass of wine. Learning that while your stepmom's (as in, my father's significant other) family is there, and your grandfather (my stepmom's dad) is having cognitive problems related to aging made for an uneasy evening, particularly when my dad started calling me an attention-seeker and an actor. My grandmother (my stepmom's mother) and my grandfather stood up for me, thankfully, using the fact that I drank wine, which I rarely did (perhaps there was a reason; I did not seem to know what kind of an effect it would have, while feeling like it would be very problematic at the same time; possible host change?) as a scapegoat for my general confusion, which detensed the whole house.

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Discovery of the subject of DID
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The Hawk said "And #3, well, depending on when you learned about DID, that should also tell you right there that you're not lying or faking, because how could you lie about/fake something you didn't know about?". As a matter of fact, I have had knowledge, although limited, of DID and a bunch of mental disorders since quite a few years already: they had a DSM-IV-TR at high school, and I'm quite the curious kid. However, the dissociative symptoms started onset a little bit earlier (like a few days) before I started watching an japanese anime TV series where the two protagonists suffer from (a romanticized and dramatized yet not ridiculously florid - 2 alters each, lack of communication, no constant switching, childhood trauma backstory - form of) DID. I guess one could say that served as inspiration. I did become absolutely fascinated with the subject. On the other hand, I found the series completely by chance, searching for something else, and finding that instead. Kind of happy, what I was looking for in the beginning was downright bad (as in, of low quality) ... but then I start thinking that perhaps it "catalyzed" the faking process; having a reasonably convincing interpretation of the phenomenon perhaps would help me faking it, if one subscribes to the theory of being a good actor.

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Tolerance for massive social interactions
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This section is just some odd and useless part that serves as venting. I dislike having to maintain a large amount of social relationships simultaneously. It is extremely demanding to decode and encode non-verbal, as that is a not-so-unconcious process for me. When my parents ask me why I find it difficult, I tell them that I'm pretty much like that. Then instead of just saying nothing or saying something useful, the only they tell me is "Well, it is in human nature to be social. There will always be people around you on a constant basis.", which is not only wrong (I could become a hermit, say, but I'm not inclined towards gardening or farming, so sustaining myself would be pretty difficult), but invalidating, in the "Well, we don't care as long as you maintain the illusion of being socially adapted when you're with us" kind of way.

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Holidays
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2012's holidays were ... not so bad, in retrospective. At the very least, they were more enjoyable than 2011's. I am happy about holidays, but having to see a lot of people four times in the span of 8 days is overwhelming. I just came back from the New Year's lunch at my grandmother's (father side) place. While I was happy to see relatives, I hit my "social interaction capacity drop wall" while still being there, and my parents started saying their usual useless stuff again (see "Tolerance" section). One of my cousins has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, and he's the one I get along the most easily. I said something along the lines of "I'd prefer to play 20 games of chess simultaneously with no time to really think in advance, it'd probably be less taxing and I'd be better at it" (in my robotically monotone, socially exhausted voice), to which he answered "I perfectly understand your current mental state" (in a similar voice).

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Further reflection on a possible host change
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It explains a whole lot of things, really. The estranged memories of events that happened before August (although technical memories don't feel outstandingly "not mine", only autobiographical ones), the regression in social skills, massive increase in denial, and so on. But I have to accept DID before I can accept that a host change has happened. De l'oeuf ou la poule, lequel fut le premier ? (French expression for a catch-22 situation)

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Driving, or the potential Damocles' sword for getting a job
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I have to renew my driving license in a 2 weeks. To that end, the form that the Société de l'assurance automobile du Québec sends contain a section about declaring health problems. I have been diagnosed with DID after having been involuntarily/voluntarily committed (well, that can be quite complicated to explain). One of the questions of the form is (well, kind of; my translation with additional context) "Do you suffer from a diagnosed psychiatric disorder ? (see document bla bla bla or contact the Société for more information; you will have to answer an additional set of questions upon renewing your license)". Legally, I am mandated to answer these questions truthfully. I started searching for more information, but the law text is not particularly useful to determine what is and what is not a serious psychiatric disorder. They do provide criteria for major recurrent psychiatric disorders, which already applies to but does not affect me, but the same text also specifies that if several dispositions of a subsection apply to a driver, the most restrictive one is considered, then the other additional restrictions from other dispositions not included in the most globally restrictive one are then applied on top of the most restrictive one, if I have understood well from the various sources I read and talked with.

----- Law text (unsure if available elsewhere in the world, so I make it available here for reference)

DIVISION VI
MENTAL ILLNESSES AND DEFICIENCIES

41. Psychiatric disorders resulting in serious abnormal behaviour, pronounced aggressiveness, marked impairment of judgment, pronounced difficulty in perception or a pronounced slowing down or acceleration of psychomotor activity are essentially inconsistent with driving a road vehicle.

O.C. 32-89, s. 41.

42. Slight or moderate psychiatric disorders are relatively inconsistent with driving a road vehicle.

O.C. 32-89, s. 42.

43. Recurrent psychosis or a major recurrent psychiatric disorder in a person is essentially inconsistent with driving a bus, a minibus, a taxi, an emergency vehicle, an articulated heavy vehicle or a non-articulated heavy vehicle, where the person is in either of the following situations:

(1) he has not been asymptomatic for a period of at least 12 months since the end of the last occurrence; or

(2) he is not under medical supervision.

For the purposes of the first paragraph, a psychosis and a major psychiatric disorder are considered to be recurrent where they occur at least twice within a year or at least 3 times within 3 years.

O.C. 32-89, s. 43; O.C. 169-93, s. 7.

44. Consumption of any drug, medication or substance medically known to cause psychomotor disorders, in doses constituting a safety risk, is essentially inconsistent with driving a road vehicle.

O.C. 32-89, s. 44.

----- Reflection continued

Disposition 43 applies to me (I have underwent several depressive episodes, the most recent this summer, which they consider a major recurrent psychiatric disorder), but since I do not drive anything other than a good old private car, it does not affect my upcoming renewal. However, disposition 41 "Psychiatric disorders resulting in serious abnormal behaviour [...]" is more problematic. If they consider depressive epidodes to be a major psychiatric disorder, hm ... what will they think about DID ? If anything, "serious abnormal behavior" would definitely be a good fit for them. If Lukas is real, "pronounced aggressiveness" also applies. Considering that I have a vision disorder that leads me to not being able to perceive depth from stereoscopic vision, it could bring them to revoke my driving license from the combination of conditions. If I lived in a large city, perhaps I would not care, public transport would be enough. Here, in a remote region, especially in my small town, public transport is non-existent. Oh, wait, they do have ... green bicycles, in summer, at the closest city, 2 and a half hours away of walk. Having a car, and being able to drive it is a requirement to having any kind of job, especially student ones. Losing my driver license = Not being able to get a job. Not being able to get a job = not being able to pay my rent to my parents. I am ... perplex at the moment, and somewhat slightly pissed, even for my relatively unemotional self.

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Consistency of symptoms, and how far they go back in time
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My symptoms are consistent enough for a psychiatrist to diagnose me with DID. However, while my autobiographical memory is quite poor, my much higer than average capacity for rote learning, my much higher than average technical memory is able to remember all the details I can invent or am told on characters I play at theater. The same could probably be transferable to "imagined alters". The one detail that annoys me with that hypothesis is the fact that while I can write in "Ralph's" handwriting, I can only do it 10 times as slowly as "he" does, assuming he is not a figment of my imagination, while it apparently comes perfectly fluidly for "him".

The dissociative symptoms mentionned in the "Causes for doubting again" section of the first post have been there since a long time, from at least before 11 years old, although before that, it's quite hard to know when they started. I do have rather sparse memories of my childhood from 4 to 9, only specific events, and barely any general context (except for being able to draw house plans, which is strange considering how poor is my sense of orientation). The only general context I know is from what people told me (and I assimilated for later retellings with my good factual memory, so that I seem "normal"), or what I can extract or guess from what few specific memories I have of that period. I do have more remembrance of when I was 3 years old, especially in terms of general context, but not much more.

In conclusion, I am becoming even more perplex and confused, but as they say, a snow storm starts slowly, then you have nearly no visibility, and then the sun shines again. This perhaps is the beginning of the "heavy snowfall". Anyone to clear the road and shine some spotlights ?

Hi there lifepuzzle,

I'm going to admit that I'm scared to write here, as I know I really offended you before. And, I'm sorry again for that. But, well, I have been on this site for almost a year. I have worked with and dealt with people going through so many different distressing things. It is rare that somebody actually evokes a true emotional reaction from me, and you have. I started to read this post, and tears came to my eyes. It's like I can actually feel the unbelievable pain you are in, and I relate to it way too much.

Now that you are in a little bit different of a place, however, I do want to tell you that factitious disorder is deliberate. Nobody has that disorder and wonders if they're making anything up; they know they are. They may not know why, and they may not be able to stop so easily, but they know they're lying. Nothing you have said points to you being a liar. It all just points to so much pain, self-blame, guilt, and denial that my only reaction is to want to cry for you. Keep writing. Keep searching yourself. But, more than anything, keep true to YOU.

I do want to tell you that factitious disorder is deliberate. Nobody has that disorder and wonders if they're making anything up; they know they are. They may not know why, and they may not be able to stop so easily, but they know they're lying

Not my thread but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing that. It's probably obvious to everyone but me but I actually didn't know that.. Helped to hear for certain things

Oops, life and life... I got confused

No no, I don't think you wrote anything wrong or got the wrong name or anything. I was just saying that I know you weren't writing that to me - I just found it helpful all the same

Oh, well, glad my problems are helpful to someone else ! (hm, lifelongthing ?)

On a lighter note, I do tend to take insults to family kind of badly, even when the point advanced can be applied and even be totally spot on. So don't feel scared boopsy26, just good old reflexes kicking in, with a lot of torque ! About what you said about my dad, well, it comes from a perhaps inaccurate portrayal. My dad loves me, and I know it. He's probably easier to deal with than my mom, or I wouldn't have left her at the age of 9 to go back with him. She's chaotic, and unstable, from what I remember when I last saw her four years ago. Things where rough for a while, but then stabilized. My guess is that he does not understand how to react to what is happening to me, and the situation gets rather exacerbated because I'm 20 and still home. On one hand, if I don't understand what is going on, I do not think I can reasonably expect him to understand. On the other hand, his attempts at dedramatizing (we talked a bit, and he said that) the situation completely miss the point, and make me worse, because they make the denial worse, much worse. Moreover, he's not flexible in trying to at least support me, or just be there, because it doesn't fit in the way he usually handles that kind of stuff. So, things can go sour really, really quickly. His main parenting methods go back to his parents, so they are outdated, and even though there are helpful books I've been suggesting for some time now, he refuses to read them; "Dads are always right" ... did I ever mention where I got the psychorigidity (well, actually from both my mom and dad) ? Ironically, my grandmother has evolved her methods to adapt to the current times with her children (they were 7 children, including my dad which is the oldest boy, but the third child in age) and grandchildren after he departed from home.

Now, about your emotional reaction, I must admit that I feel ... touched by it ? My empathy is not my strong point. Unless there is some evident cause, understanding how people feel and why is ... not a lost cause, but seriously difficult. One of my close friends' mom died in June, and I could hardly feel anything about it, even though I've known her and miss her.

Now, food for thought !

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The family environment, and why it sucks as of now
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My family has a rather conservative and at times inappropriate view of what a family is. Most noticeably, I can't talk about problems I feel present in the family. And if they talk to me about them, I must do mea culpa. I have started, a few years ago, to see how other families fixed their problems and defused tensions, and since then, I've tried and struggled to bring them to our family, to make it happier. But it does not work. Part of why I'm pissed is that I now know better. What one does not know does not hurt, right ? Well, now I know what a sane family environment is, thanks to my (few) friends. But changing is not an option for my dad and my stepmom. And I'm getting pissed of the dysfunctionality, no matter its intensity (its "average", as in "not too severe" but still midnboggingly annoying and unhelping) that I realize is there in our family. The easiest way to solve the problem is to leave home, which I will do at some point later in time after I get a job (if I can, see the driving license issues). I really hope to definitely solve this problem in the future.

Well, that's it for now ... I think, because I think I've forgot something, but do not remember what, or what is was related to even after "backtracking".