Talk with myself (or not) about what's going on with me

lifepuzzle wrote:I said something along the lines of "I'd prefer to play 20 games of chess simultaneously with no time to really think in advance, it'd probably be less taxing and I'd be better at it" (in my robotically monotone, socially exhausted voice), to which he answered "I perfectly understand your current mental state" (in a similar voice).

I actually had to laugh about that, because it's almost the same for me! Maybe not that severe, but I understand how you're feeling.

About the driving, maybe it's best to ask a therapist? Therapists should know this stuff or at least know where you should go otherwise to figure out whether it's something to mention. I would say, in DID, it all depends on the current state of the person.

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Follow-up on the driving license
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I have read more information about the driving license issues explained earlier. According to regulations, the clerk who will renew my license already does a quick checkup of your physical and mental state. If that person is unsure what to do, that person will suspend your driving license immediately and require you to get a form filled by your doctor which (in my case) will refer you to a psychiatrist. This sucks because I've stopped seeing my psychiatrist with no notice whatsoever over 8 months ago, shortly after being commited inpatient. Not exactly the "medically compliant" type of person the SAAQ wants. If that person determines you are still probably fit to drive, the person will ask you to get the same form filled by your doctor and/or specialist. The doctor only provides an evaluation of the various capacities, and may optionally request a road test. The decision on what to do depends entirely on the SAAQ. As such, following a rational reasoning, there is a significant chance of me losing my driving license, and that pisses me of.

I understand that you are very anxious about renewing your license, but I doubt it will be a problem for you. Here is the key part of the regulation you quoted:

Psychiatric disorders resulting in serious abnormal behaviour, pronounced aggressiveness, marked impairment of judgment, pronounced difficulty in perception or a pronounced slowing down or acceleration of psychomotor activity are essentially inconsistent with driving a road vehicle.

Do you see? They are not concerned with all psychiatric disorders, only with those resulting in serious abnormal behavior or other objective problems inconsistent with safe driving. Has your behavior while driving ever been unsafe? Can you pass a road test?

This is a license renewal, not a new license. You already have a car, insurance, and a safe driving record, right? That is proof positive that you are competent to drive.

Hi Una,

To answer your questions, it is already possible that I will have to pass a road test again because reaction time issues. I was arrested by the police (standard operation they do close to holidays about drinking and driving), and although I was not drunk, and the ethylometer agreed, I failed the Ward ruler test quite significantly. So I may have to undergo a road test. Not sure how I would fare considering how problematic my memory can become while driving. While I drive fine, they say mnesic problems of any kind are an absolute no-no in another document aimed at doctors. Dissociative symptoms also are a big no-no from what I've understood. More particularly, they have something roughly along the lines of "Any loss of contact with reality, even if not affecting or even improving driving skills, including that caused by non-psychotic symptoms [they list dissociation] are essentially incompatible with safe driving, even that of a private car with a class 5 driving license." I have never had an accident though. But I have depth perception problems which could be problematic in their own right, couple that with three times as long a reaction time compared to the average and a complex and severe psychiatric disorder (hell, having depressive symptoms can be problematic for the obtention and renewal of a driving license, go figure what they'll say of DID!), and, well, the clouds aren't exactly sparkly white all of a sudden.

Your license is about to expire anyway, right? So what do you have to lose? Being a safe driver benefits society and you too. I would plan for the road test.

There was a period of a few months in 2011 when I was concerned about what might happen if I had an uncontrolled switch while driving. I was so reluctant to drive that I had other people drive me to therapy sessions.

I was going to spend more time on answer, but it's the fourth time my answer disappears down the data black hole because of some Internet problems that muck with the forum. I'm seriously pissed.

Long story short, I almost failed my first exam because of unusually long reaction times and the fact that I slow down to accomodate for all the tasks involved in driving when I'm in an area that requires more than I can provide. Getting transported is not an option, as I don't wish to involve family and/or friends, and taxi is the only other way of getting from point A to point B without driving yourself in my remote region, and that is too expansive (55$ for a ride from my home to the closest health center, which houses psychotherapy and other psychiatric services for people in the area on the behalf of the closest hospital that has a (relatively small) psychiatric unit.

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Reflection about accepting what happens no matter what is truly afflicting me
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In the end, whether I have DID or not does not really matter. What matters is that I get the proper care to stay functional and progress in life. I would think it'd be sad if I was just a liar, but on the other hand, the more I'm thinking, the less plausible it becomes, no matter what my dad says (thanks tomboy24[Kat, Cassie, The Hawk, Cassandra, L.C. & Luna, and others I perhaps forget] for the enlightening PM, more information on that below)

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The case of the "good" dad
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The more I'm thinking through this, the more I'm realizing perhaps my dad has a few issues of his own, not necessarily from childhood, but from living with my mother, who had her fair share of issues also. That does not excuse him in any way for anything. But, as I grow older, I've been told by others how it is important to stand up for your capacity at taking care of yourself, and not getting crushed by others. One of the coordinators from Project Morrocco is a distant cousin of my dad, so she is in the family, and one of the things she told me is that when I'm around my dad or someone from close family, I often repeat and follow the "Party line", and when they are gone, the way I act, look and behave can diverge significantly from that. She also told me how I was the "poster child" of the family, in a strange way. She's the only member of the family to have an idea of what it's like from the inside and the outside for me, because she and the other coordinator, whom I dearly miss, both have a massive formation in psychology and were able to tell something was/is wrong with me. They are the most helpful persons I've come across at listening and providing support and care for these issues.

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The evidence pointing to DID, and how being irrational about it makes me consider it even more
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There are lots of dissociative symptoms in my life right now. My DES score soared in the last three months, passing from a low 24 (shortly after the symptoms suddenly disappeared 7 months ago, leading me to denial, and now questioning; I'm thinking defense mechanism, as in trying to be normal no matter what) to a staggering ... 65 (just did the test, again, to be sure, scores are in the 60-70 range since two weeks), and yet, no alter manifestations, no voices, only strange recurring dreams and unusual or even undesired urges. The most mindbogging and mindscrewing dissociative symptoms right now are remembering whether I did something or only thought about it, or doing something and not remembering it. My intermittently dysfunctional short-term or work memory is pretty annoying too. Gotta take all that slowly. While finding a student job that will allow to make over 600$ net per month. Great.

Now, I'll hold to my resolution of making shorter posts that don't result in text walls.

See you later, me, "me", myself, our potential selves, we, I and "I" !

Is there a service club in your area that will transport people to medical appointments? Call local senior centers and ask. A service club transported me to my psychotherapy appointments. I did not have to tell anyone involved with the club what I was being treated for.

Long story short, there is none, unless you are a senior person. No service association exists around, and while the health center provides a transportation service, it is reserved for the geriatric population. Nurses, including those specializing in mental health, do have cars so that they can go meet some patients at their residence, however, they cannot transport patients somewhere else for safety reasons. So I have to hope for the best upon renewing my license tomorrow.

Now, more food for thought.

Potential triggers ahead, read with caution.

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A potentially explosive combination of defense mechanisms and attitudes
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As I have told before, I have had violent thoughts and impulses (thank god for the massive impulse control I have), and I have a tendency to not share my problems and bottle them up until the release is the emotional equivalent nuclear explosion. I haven't been truly angry so far as I and "I" can remember. There is however a memory from (I think) 10 or 11 years old where "I" (estranged souvenirs that don't feel mine, and that did not feel "mine" before the transformation in August either) was so angry I can't even begin to describe the levels of anger, which is the only thing really clear, the rest of the memory is fuzzy. What kept me from acting violently towards either myself or others in a lethal way, I have no idea.

So here comes back the impulsivity and the intrusive unusual and sometimes "inappropriate" urges, for lack of a better term, and me being generally unaware of how I bottle stuff up, whether it be stress, or social exhaustion, or anger for that matter, until I hit a wall and the steam pressure does not just blow off some safety valve, the thing fails completely and "explodes". That could be dangerous.

Just some additional material for reflection and pondering.

lifepuzzle wrote:I often repeat and follow the "Party line", and when they are gone, the way I act, look and behave can diverge significantly from that. She also told me how I was the "poster child" of the family, in a strange way.

I have not long ago become aware that I have something like that, I have written a thread about it:
switching while retaining sense of self?
Basically, I change my view of my parents in the two states (there are more, actually). My whole personality seems to change in the different states. And my abilities seem to change too. It's still me, but at the same time it's not really me. I have described it previously as masks, but I think it aren't really masks, there's really some form of (ego-state?) switching going on.

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Driving license renewal
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After overcoming fever and headaches, I went to the city. Did a few things, then went to the service point to renew my driving license. Upon arriving there, I take my number ... and then massively dissociate, fixing the floor, without being aware of anything (like "The lights are on, but nobody's home"). I took three times to react to my number being called. I looked terrible and explained that it could be my fever getting back again. The clerk then said "Oh, no big deal, everyone gets flu in these times of the year". She then looks at the modification declaration (indicating I have a psychiatric disorder), and asks me inquisitively "Are you all right, sir ? You know what kind of right I'm talking about here, hm ?", I then stared at her quite coldly and told her "Perhaps I should have stayed home, the headache is killing me. And I'm fine, for your information." . She then proceeded to issue the payment, and upon being done she said "We may contact you in the following week depending on your medical records. Make yourself available for any exam we ask [she then proceeded to write on a paper "72 hour full psychiatric battery is a possibility and is likely"], or lose driving license." Great. I guess I'll update on that subject later.

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Self-sabotaging
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One of the things my dad often tell me is how I shoot myself in the foot, and self-sabotage at the most crucial moments. Well, you what dad ? ###$ up. Shut up. I have aspirations in life, and self-sabotaging for the attention I'd get is not one of them.