Newbie here , D.I.D. , How to communicate with alters

Hi folks ,
This is my first post here so please go easy on me . I suffer from anxieties and constantly feel judged so it is not easy for me to come here in the open . Ultimately i need to know how to identify alters and how to communicate with them without rocking the boat . Jessica (my fiancee) is currently diagnosed with P.T.S.D but this past year things are really adding up to that being inaccurate . I will provide our history here for those that are interested , long read , sorry .
Jessica and i hooked up and fell quickly in love 3 years ago this month , she was the girl of my dreams and moved in shortly thereafter . There is a considerable age difference between me and her , i am 42 and she is 22 . She is an old soul and a homebody like me . Her life revolves around family and we now have a 2 year old son and are engaged to be married in August of 2013 , it takes time to plan the perfect wedding for her . Her family was obviously upset and avoided me for the first year of our relationship but as time went on and they saw Jess grow and become a responsible person they began to accept me . Jess has been honest about her past , abused sexually for 8 years as a child by a step father , diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 15 and a unpredictable hellion until she met me which is where she calmed down and became stable .
Moving forward , we have 2 1/2 wonderful years together and she is a dream come true for me and she expresses her love and trust in me regularly . Then she has physical therapy for a back injury and stumbles upon , lets call him John . Her appointments take longer , trips to the store take longer and one day her phone rings and she is out of the room so i look at it as always because if it is her mother she likes me to answer it and bring her the phone , it was John . I ask about John and she says he is this annoying guy that is bugging her but she can handle it . I am a skeptical individual and check the phone usage and see thousands of texts and many phone calls with him and confront her calmly on it . She stands her ground that he is annoying , she fires off one last text and he is gone forever . Sex that night is amazing and out of the ordinary and this continues for two weeks . Then one morning she wakes up and leaves me and our son . She is distant and cold and spending money like its going out of style . I try to reason with her but she is irrational and wont say why she left , she admits to be living in her van and has a new man and they are getting married . I state my case and then step down defeated . Two weeks after she left in the middle of the night she crawls into bed as if nothing had happened . At this time she is still diagnosed schizophrenic , she claims it was a bad dream and she woke up in a bad situation and came home . I love her and accept it is a part of her illness . Her doc recently changed her from Zoloft to Prozac and we both agree this must be what upset her stability . Life goes on very happily .
Now comes December 2012 , we have gotten a second opinion and this doc thinks she is P.T.S.D. and takes her off of Prozac and puts her on Effexor . She has been on Effexor several months now . Dec 22nd she gets a call from an old one night stand from years ago , he found her on facebook which grew immediatley into texts , phone calls and meetings . On 12/24 it comes to my attention that Jess is taking alot longer to do her usual routine and i get a familiar feeling to check the phone usage and as i feared , constant texting and phone calls during her outings , but not when she is home which tells me he is a secret . I ask her about this and the girl that came at me was worse than the one from the last episode . This Jess was cold and calculating and mean . She immediatley turned the tables on me saying that i bit*h about everything and my psychotic behavior has to stop or she is leaving . I am very mild mannered and rarely complain especially to Jess as she really is an angel . I beg for examples of this bitc*ing and psychotic behavior but she can offer none . She says it is just everything and it has to stop . This one seems very tight with my 18 year old daughter and is saying my treatment of my daughter is very wrong . Again i am very passive but my daughter has the i am 18 and will do what i want attitude which has brought about my attitude of not under my roof . But this is far from dramatic or harsh . If she breaks a house rule i will turn off her phone until she complies . I cry as i realize i have been given a chance to correct things that are not so . In this situation she will leave again and there is nothing i can do as Jess is cold , mean and irrational . We set up for xmas and go to bed , again the sex is out of this world which is not normal , Jess is very conservative in bed . Xmas day goes off without a hitch , it is a wonderful day and neither of us mention the night before , i am a little cold towards her as i am afraid to rock the boat . I lashed out at a group of slow drivers and caught myself and i asked Jess if i can complain about slow drivers and she laughed and said of course if they cant drive . I also snapped at a driver following to close , I adjust my mirrors so he can't see me , like i say , i have issues of my own . But again i asked Jess if this was ok and she really looked puzzled and says yes baby have at it . A third incident at my moms is i snapped at the dogs jumping on our son and right away asked for permission and she almost looked worried as if i was losing my mind and said yes baby , do what you need to do . We get home and get our son to bed and i feel it is time to discuss last night . She remembers me crying but dont know why , she doesn't remember any particulars of the evening and nothing about her leaving or the discussions of that matter , I have my Jess back . I ask about the guy on the phone and she hands me her phone and her texts to him are all smut , she is horrified and remembers one phone call with him . She says they met on facebook so we go to her facebook and see how innocently the conversation began . It was my Jess all the way . Then it said lets text . Within a few texts it turned to a phone call and from that phone call on the texts were smut , lets move in together i will have money on the first and we can get an apartment and so on . Jess is horrified and i am sick . We discuss how her Dr may be mistaken and D.I.D. comes to mind and we google it and our hair stands on end . She writes down all her email passwords and facebook , she wants me to check her phone daily for security so that this doesnt happen again . This is my Jess talking and these are her ideas . She loves me and doesn't want to leave again . This other Jess wouldnt let me see her phone the night before , she guarded it with her life when i said if it is innocent conversation , show me and i will appologize for my thinking the worst . My Jess couldn't hand me the phone quick enough . I forgot to mention that the one who left the first time hated my daughter .
I guess i wrote my novel for the day , but i believe we need to get to her Doc quick and explain the pattern we are seeing . It is as if one of the others is looking for a way out and when oppertunity arises she comes forward and seizes it .
Life is very scary right now .
Don

Wow, that was indeed a long post. You are welcome to this forum!
If you haven't seen it already, here is a thread with lots of resources about DID:
*DDNOS/DID RESOURCES: symptoms, common questions, etc.*
Forgetting what happened the evening before is an important sign of DID. Changing so completely is also a sign of DID but also of other disorders. Whatever is going on, something is going on which needs a therapist - so yes, I recommend to take her to a therapist/doc quickly.

Things to look for:

• Suddenly not knowing what is going on, getting 'lost' in a conversation (i.e. suddenly missing what it was about).
• Sudden changes (or switches in DID), which can include changes in behavior, dialect, mood (mood changes are not necessarily DID!), opinions, taste, abilities, ... well, whatever defines a personality. It is even possible there are changes in vision and (possible) handicap. This may or may not be accompanied by forgetting what happened before the change.
• Claiming people are lying when they say something about her - this may mean she just doesn't know it.

PTSD is common in DID. Many specialists see it as being on the same spectrum.

And before I forget, here is a page that might be interesting:
The Significant Other's Guide to Dissociative Identity Disorder

There are therapists who don't believe DID actually exists, unfortunately. If you ever encounter one, go to a different one because she/he won't be able to help you properly. And there are lots (most?) that know it exists but don't know enough about it to recognize it.

Thank you for your reply . I can't appologise enough to the folks here for having to read it all . Our whole support system here is her mother as my issues keep my world very very small and my mom god bless her says it is all in our head lol . Yea mom good point haha . Her mother is on vacation now and i needed to lay it all out to somebody without ruining her vacation .
In any case i am Jessicas biggest fan and i read about everything the dr says so i know all i can . This way i can be the supportive , understanding and maybe nip these episodes in the butt before they get out of hand . This D.I.D. sure fits her like a glove though more so that anything else i have read about . I have been thinking and we have been talking and i think i have one kind of figured out . The one i dealt with Xmas eve that says all i do is complain and act psychotic , another thing she mentioned was how bad it hurts her when i ask our two year old to stay away from mommy , don't go by mommy , come cuddle with daddy . My Jess appreciates this as we do it to keep her stress level down when i sense irritation in Jess i try to guide the boy to me . When this tidbit came to me i started asking my Jess about several incidents recently where i got the boy away too late and she was severley angry . My Jess does not remember these instances . In this sense i feel bad for the one that jumps in when our son pushes her to her limits as she jumps in and has a two year old up her butt and me trying to remove the two year old with my comments which if taken out of context could be viewed as hurtful . So this version of Jess has no idea it is a deal between me and my Jess . So of course she sees me in an angry light as i am hurting her everytime she pops in . I really want to know how to properly ask who they are or what so i can let this one in particular know i am not a threat or maybe at least acknowledge her existance .
If i am wrong about this i will be shocked . It just fits so well and answers so many questions .
Thank you all for your time
Don
P.S. Jessica is signing up to the forums today , i do not know if she will just read or post but in any case i am glad she is coming here for more support .

Welcome here

This is a great place to get support and understanding, and I'm happy to hear Jessica (+) will be singing up as well

There is no need to apologize - you are free to write as little or as much as you want or feel a need to

It definitely sounds like she has DID. Honestly, I don't say this often, but I would be very surprised if it wasn't.

Please stay on here if you feel it helps.

When an alter comes out, treat them with respect and care and know that they are who they are for a reason. They have (probably) experienced very difficult things and they are doing as best they can to survive, even if it doesn't seem like it. Try to tell them that you want to get to know them, ask them questions about themselves if they seem to respond well (like what they're name is, what age they are, if they know where/when they are etc). Try to show them that you are someone who can be trusted. Odds are, they don't know that yet and haven't experienced it much from anyone.

Best of luck with this.

Oops - I first thought Jess and Jessica were different people . Anyway, she is welcome .

I don't know much about how to start first time communication with alters but one thing you can try is to just get to know her like any other person. I can't find it anymore but I know tomboy24 wrote about it somewhere... Basically just try to get to know them in a good way, ask questions about what they like, their favorite color, food, music etc. You can try asking them whether they have a different name, age, gender etc. but these might be sensitive questions, so I'm not sure about that.

Edit: oh I see lifelongthing has also replied. Yes, alters can get surprised (in a good way!) when people start caring about them.

Reading your post here was very triggering for me. I got very dizzy and an upset stomach. I am not diagnosed, but am probably at a minimum DDNOS. I could have also been Jessica, in the sense that I am just like her.

You see, I have been married for 26 years. I have left my husband for another man. I have become emotionally attached to others as well. It isn't something I can control. It just happens. I don't get amnesia for it though. I just know it is something I have no control over. It IS NOT your fault. That has to be said. I know that somewhere in your head you have to be thinking it is, but it isn't. When I get this way I tend to push my husband away as hard as I can. I say horrible, vicious things to him. I treat him like dirt. let me say again, this is not something I can control. The odd thing is, he has admitted that when I am this way, he is more attracted to me than ever. He says he can't get enough of me. I think that it is because someone else has taken over and he is picking up on something subconciously that he is attracted to. I dunno.

At times I have felt like just disappearing. Getting in my car and driving away and starting over. Hiding from him and the world. It seems as if it would be easier.

I do love him. We all do. But someone directs undeserved anger towards him on a regular basis. Sometimes it feels like there is a need to hurt him before he hurts me. Not that he would, but I guess I feel the need so intensely that I have to do it.

You and Jess are not alone. Coming here was a great first step. The next step is to get her help. Don't wait. Do it now, before it is too late. She may disappear. She may leave you for someone else. She may say something she can't take back. She may do damage beyond repair.

Whether she is DID is for a professional to decide. But take it from someone who has "been there, done that", get help now. If it is DID, it can only help. If it isn't DID, it can only help.

Sorry if I rambled or if my thoughts were not coherent.

D.

Sure sounds like DID.

Most people will fall in love with someone "out of bounds" at some point in their life. People with DID are no different, except that with DID these forbidden love situations tend to get really complicated because our left hand often does not know what our right hand is doing. Is that an understatement?

At the time I was diagnosed with DID, less than 2 years ago, none of my alters considered themselves to be married to my husband. I was diagnosed after meeting a man who activated my system. Most of my alters are not capable of taking executive control. Fortunately, none who are capable fell in love with the man, so the collective acting out was limited and restrained. I totally freaked, yet as far as my husband is concerned almost nothing happened.

Snuffthroostr wrote:I have become emotionally attached to others as well. It isn't something I can control. It just happens. I don't get amnesia for it though. I just know it is something I have no control over...When I get this way I tend to push my husband away as hard as I can. I say horrible, vicious things to him. I treat him like dirt. let me say again, this is not something I can control...At times I have felt like just disappearing. Getting in my car and driving away and starting over. Hiding from him and the world. It seems as if it would be easier. I do love him...But someone directs undeserved anger towards him on a regular basis. Sometimes it feels like there is a need to hurt him before he hurts me. Not that he would, but I guess I feel the need so intensely that I have to do it.

Wow, Snuffthroostr, I could have written this. Everything I've quoted above, I've experienced in the past or am experiencing currently. I'm just glad my husband is willing to stick with me through it.

I wasn't able to read all the way through and I'm very fuzzy, so I won't be of much help, but I wanted to try anyway.

Here's some threads that might be helpful to you:

Different Causes of DID: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic102679.html
Sick of this crap! (discusses frustrations and such during discovery): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100787.html
System Structure- not DID?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101109.html
Advice? (discusses how to communicate with alters): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic99713.html
How to create boundaries?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98867.html
Angry Protector alts: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97240.html
Girlfriend explained to me that she has Alters (discusses how to communicate with alters, how to get to know them, how to help them, and how to have a relationship with someone that has DID): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101047.html
How does your significant other handle your alters?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic75266.html

(All of these threads (and more) can be found in the DDNOS/DID Resources threads).


Hope this place is helpful to you!


-Cassandra

Ahhhh much reading material , Thank you for all the links .
Don