Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation Workbook

Thanks Tylas

tylas wrote: ChristaAngel wrote:Question: Is it possible for you to briefly describe what "being grounded" is about?

I would agree that this, very simplistically, would be the opposite of dissociation. But, that makes it seem so foreign and impossible! Being grounded, in a different sense, could mean knowing that you are existing in 2012, it is December, you are in whatever location you are in, you are hearing the sounds that are existing in this moment right now, and you see the details of the actual space you are existing in at this moment right now. It means feeling your feet on the ground. It means feeling your breath and your heart beat as it is right now (no matter how 'abnormal' or messed up it might be). It means noticing your surroundings for what they are in this moment, rather than what once was. Being grounded is simply being connected to your current surroundings and body as it is in this very moment... and no matter what "state" you might be in. At least that's how I see it...

I would agree that this, very simplistically, would be the opposite of dissociation. But, that makes it seem so foreign and impossible! Being grounded, in a different sense, could mean knowing that you are existing in 2012, it is December, you are in whatever location you are in, you are hearing the sounds that are existing in this moment right now, and you see the details of the actual space you are existing in at this moment right now. It means feeling your feet on the ground. It means feeling your breath and your heart beat as it is right now (no matter how 'abnormal' or messed up it might be). It means noticing your surroundings for what they are in this moment, rather than what once was. Being grounded is simply being connected to your current surroundings and body as it is in this very moment... and no matter what "state" you might be in. At least that's how I see it...

I believe this is how we see being grounded. But I don't think many of us experience this often - as we experience being a different age than the body for instance. But I do agree with this way of viewing being grounded. Thank you for putting it into words so nicely.

That really blows my mind that people without DID can function without dissociating. Thinking about that makes me hazy, haha. How would someone without DID feel if they learned someone they loved had died? I have moments of sadness coupled with feeling super foggy and have periods of lost time...Would someone without DID just feel the sadness? Maybe more sadness than I know how to feel?

People without DID do dissociation, but it is not pathological dissociation. All children dissociative and teens hit the peak time that a person dissociates. They thing is to know the difference between every day dissociation and pathological dissociation.

To think that angry/protective parts could be present with the vulnerable child parts is too much to handle. Perhaps people without DID do not have personality parts that are children??? Or do I just have no concept of what life without DID is?

Yes, those without DID so have child parts. They also have mother and father introjects that are disturbing.

I agree. The word "pathological" feels so "yucky". It all really hits home. I suppose it is the reason everything from birth to age 13 feels like a blur. Even 13-18 is blurry. It's almost like life for me began at age 18...What does this mean? Was another part more present than me during these times???

The workbook did not use the name pathological, but I used it to summarize a bunch of text. My childhood too is a blur. In fact even years of life after that is. Yes, other alters were probably present more than you. Remember you are an alter yourself. In fact, you might be an new alter that did not exist in the past, but you have shared memories from those that were host back then. It's complicated!

-- Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:36 pm --

I'm trying very hard to be in the here and now though not in control as much as I want to be. Sometimes I have this weird alien feeling like I was dropped on the planet as a new person with a blurry or fuzzy past. In general I know who I am and where I've been but I only know the chapter headings, not the details... And the more I read about this and process this, the dizzier I feel. Is vertigo part of my ungrounded problem?

This is all quite normal for those of us with DID.

This is super fuzzy to me right now. My sense of self is fractured though my alters/parts are not as distinct as some of you on here, I mean I don't even have names or anything - I just have a vague idea of who they are and my sense of self seems to be the addition of all these parts which isn't very coherent at all.

This could mean either you have DDNOS-1 or you just don't have very good communication between parts and you have DID. Either way the treatment is the same.

Definitely not. For many things, yes - but for certain triggers, absolutely not. But then again, we also choose to switch to someone who can better handle the situation if there's a trigger for someone else or if someone is overwhelmed, so that life can go on on the outside, while someone is instead having the emotions inside. For smaller triggers, this works very well as a coping mechanism (we're not looking to integrate, anyway). For bigger ones, this doesn't work all that well.

I wrote on how to deal with this in another thread. It is what my T has me doing right now. It might help you as well. It will take some work, but practice it.
dissociative-identity/topic103608-10.html

"If a child experiences trauma events which they cannot integrate fully (which is common without adequate emotional support from a parent) then the person will dissociate so that they can continue with life as "normal." This trauma memory is stuck though! These are the flashbacks, dreams and such that you now experience as an adult. This will continue until you can finally process those memories."

This quote sums it up pretty well for us: when something terrifically terrible happens to you, i think your brain doesn’t get it, for quite a while. you go on trying to see the world the way it was, even when common sense should tell you that everything has changed forever – ann halam in dr. franklin’s island

Here is an example. My teenage daughter was at work at a hotel desk and man came to the counter with blood dripping from his hands. He looked creepy and gave her a crooked smile when she asked if she could help him. She thought at that moment she was going to die.

She just got a trauma memory stuck and she could not process it!

This happened a couple of months ago and that memory is still stuck. She is perfectly normal and does not have DID or PTSD, but you can see how this can happen in anyone.

She needs to move that trauma memory to where it should go in her mind or she will develop PTSD.

pages 13 - 23

Problems with Identity or Sense of Self:
Sense of involuntariness - When feelings that we have such as "thoughts, feelings, behaviors, memories and events do not seem to belong to us (host). Perhaps you feel as if you are more than one, or you hear voices or identifies that are not your own. Sometimes these states will have names, an age, etc... that are different from the host. Each of these states can have their own view of self, life and of the world.

These states are NOT separate personalities, but are dissociative parts of the ONE personality of a person.

Experiencing too little: Emotional numbness (numbing), too little memory (amnesia), loss of a skill, knowledge, feeling, body sensation - because another alter is "out".

Dissociative Amnesia (memory loss) - No one should expect a lot of memory recall before the age of 5. Like most things with DID, memory falls on a continuum. Amnesia for the present is called time loss - "a hallmark symptom of DID." This is when one alter is out and another (host) has limited or no awareness of this time. "Frequent or prolonged time loss is much more common in DID than in DDNOS-1.

Time Distortions - Those with DID often experience a confusion of time.

Depersonalization - This is not amnesia, but a feeling that an event happened to someone that is not you. This is a feeling of not being present (grounded). It is a way of "avoiding or attempting to regulate overwhelming feelings or experiences.

Derealiztion - That hazy, dreamy feeling where nothing feel solid. When having a DD (dissociative disorder) this is due to alters that live in "trauma time," and so the present seems odd and unfamiliar.

Intrusions - This is when one alter intrudes into the experience of another alter. They are known as "flashbacks, sudden feelings, thoughts, impulses, or behaviors that come out of the blue, unexplained pain that have no medical cause." Any intrusion that does not feel as if it is you.





Homework:
What was it like to read about dissociative symptoms. Describe your feelings.

Numbed. Far away. Here, now. Focused. I feel slightly smaller. I feel Anastasia and Frida (5 & 6 years old) more close than they've been lately. I feel slightly sad. I feel kind of hazy. Okay again, but further away.

Depersonalization/Derealization: Not something we experience very often. When we were younger, yes, but not that often anymore. The host had a couple of weeks of it non-stop a while back but that was the first time in quite a while.

Dissociative Amnesia (memory loss): Some denial from the host in regards to her memories of the age before 8. She has very few memories before this age, and used to think two events happened straight after each other, but after reading her medical records, found out there's a 2 year gap between (late) 5 - 8 years old that she wasn't out at all. I hear her thinking "maybe it was all just normal". It wasn't. It's not the "This isn't DID" kind of denial, more of a "maybe my memory difficulties in my childhood were more normal", when it wasn't. Hard to explain, getting kind of hazy

tylas wrote:

Definitely not. For many things, yes - but for certain triggers, absolutely not. But then again, we also choose to switch to someone who can better handle the situation if there's a trigger for someone else or if someone is overwhelmed, so that life can go on on the outside, while someone is instead having the emotions inside. For smaller triggers, this works very well as a coping mechanism (we're not looking to integrate, anyway). For bigger ones, this doesn't work all that well.

I wrote on how to deal with this in another thread. It is what my T has me doing right now. It might help you as well. It will take some work, but practice it.
dissociative-identity/topic103608-10.html

"If a child experiences trauma events which they cannot integrate fully (which is common without adequate emotional support from a parent) then the person will dissociate so that they can continue with life as "normal." This trauma memory is stuck though! These are the flashbacks, dreams and such that you now experience as an adult. This will continue until you can finally process those memories."

This quote sums it up pretty well for us: when something terrifically terrible happens to you, i think your brain doesn’t get it, for quite a while. you go on trying to see the world the way it was, even when common sense should tell you that everything has changed forever – ann halam in dr. franklin’s island

Here is an example. My teenage daughter was at work at a hotel desk and man came to the counter with blood dripping from his hands. He looked creepy and gave her a crooked smile when she asked if she could help him. She thought at that moment she was going to die.

She just got a trauma memory stuck and she could not process it!

This happened a couple of months ago and that memory is still stuck. She is perfectly normal and does not have DID or PTSD, but you can see how this can happen in anyone.

She needs to move that trauma memory to where it should go in her mind or she will develop PTSD.

Indeed we realize this I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope she's able to process.
Thank you for the link. We will definitely give it a try

Problems with Identity or Sense of Self:
Sense of involuntariness - When feelings that we have such as "thoughts, feelings, behaviors, memories and events do not seem to belong to us (host). Perhaps you feel as if you are more than one, or you hear voices or identifies that are not your own. Sometimes these states will have names, an age, etc... that are different from the host. Each of these states can have their own view of self, life and of the world.

My life feels like it wouldn't have existed. Most of the things that happened in the past do not belong to me. They are "foreign" in some way. I know it's me in those memories, but they don't belong to me. That person who I see may not be myself. (Well, I usually see everything in third-person...is this normal?) My present life feels just like an empty shell. Everything I have are divided into different parts, so what do I have? Nothing?

Confusing. Why do I feel younger? Why do I speak differently? Why are my thoughts "sounding or feeling" different? Why do I go into periods where my behavior is completely different and why couldn't I notice this during this period?!


These states are NOT separate personalities, but are dissociative parts of the ONE personality of a person.

I don't know how to accept that...


Experiencing too little: Emotional numbness (numbing), too little memory (amnesia), loss of a skill, knowledge, feeling, body sensation - because another alter is "out".

I don't mind numbness. It was my goal. I don't want to feel anything. At the same time I'm addicted to emotions and feelings, no matter if they are good or bad.

Dissociative Amnesia (memory loss) - No one should expect a lot of memory recall before the age of 5. Like most things with DID, memory falls on a continuum. Amnesia for the present is called time loss - "a hallmark symptom of DID." This is when one alter is out and another (host) has limited or no awareness of this time. "Frequent or prolonged time loss is much more common in DID than in DDNOS-1.


I don't know how to identify amnesia. How much am I supposed to remember of my life? I don't know. Most of the time it feels like I barely remember anything. Only fragments (or short images). There is no continuity in the memories. They are fragments scattered around. But then the amount of fragments may increase sometimes or when I really try to remember. There is still no continuity. Is this how "normal" memory is supposed to work?

Maybe you shouldn't call it "time loss". Shouldn't it be "content loss"? It's hard to feel like you would be losing time. After all, the clock and calender tells you exactly how much time has passed. An alter should impair the ability to create memories. That is why you experience anterograde amnesia, I think. But is it possible to lose time?


Time Distortions - Those with DID often experience a confusion of time.

Time constantly rushes in light speed. It feels like time barely moves, but suddenly the calender tells differently. Falling often into blank states where times stops; waking up and realizing that time has passed. F**** annoying!


Depersonalization - This is not amnesia, but a feeling that an event happened to someone that is not you. This is a feeling of not being present (grounded). It is a way of "avoiding or attempting to regulate overwhelming feelings or experiences.

Happens constantly. All the time. Never stops. What happened in the recent past (hours, days), it feels like someone else did it. Don't bother to care anymore...

Derealiztion -That hazy, dreamy feeling where nothing feel solid. When having a DD (dissociative disorder) this is due to alters that live in "trauma time," and so the present seems odd and unfamiliar.

I think that explanation for derealization is highly incorrect from a scientific point-of-view.

Intrusions - This is when one alter intrudes into the experience of another alter. They are known as "flashbacks, sudden feelings, thoughts, impulses, or behaviors that come out of the blue, unexplained pain that have no medical cause." Any intrusion that does not feel as if it is you.

Happens all the time. Sometimes it almost feels like I'm having two layers of vision in my eyes: the reality as I perceive it now, but at the same time there are images and surroundings from my past life in the background. Intrusion in form of irrational behavior is tiresome to deal with. Waking up too often realizing that something that I didn't intend to say or do happened. Every form of intrusion is annoying. Falling into blank states with somewhat intensive flashback (both good and bad) and thoughts, and then waking up back to the reality. Annoying and disturbing.

tylas wrote:The workbook did not use the name pathological, but I used it to summarize a bunch of text. My childhood too is a blur. In fact even years of life after that is. Yes, other alters were probably present more than you. Remember you are an alter yourself. In fact, you might be an new alter that did not exist in the past, but you have shared memories from those that were host back then. It's complicated!

This thought has terrified me. Career and success-wise, I have done extremely well. I'm 25 and make more than I know what to do with. I'm scared that someone else with assume control and will lose it all...My biggest fear as a child was that I was just a figment in the mind of someone else. I used to write elaborate notes to myself about what to do tomorrow because I was scared that I would disappear and "we" wouldn't know what to do.

It's definitely complicated! My childhood is random snapshots of what was going on..No thoughts, emotions, or background tied to any of them. I'm certain that others were more present than me. I used to find myself in the middle of fighting other children with no idea why. One time, I remember "becoming aware" and watched "me" hit another kid with a reflector pole because he was attacking me. I still have no idea why. Sorry I'm ranting.

ChristaAngel wrote:Experiencing too little: Emotional numbness (numbing), too little memory (amnesia), loss of a skill, knowledge, feeling, body sensation - because another alter is "out".

I don't mind numbness. It was my goal. I don't want to feel anything. At the same time I'm addicted to emotions and feelings, no matter if they are good or bad.

Well said. I used to pride myself on how much I was able to remove emotions/pain from life. I felt like I had achieved a higher level of consciousness. Emotions are too much for me though..I tend to use comedy to remove overwhelming emotions from life. My friends have at one time or another encouraged me to become a comedian...I guess I am the sad clown. Comedy can make a situation that would otherwise debilitate us something that we can cope with.

humptydumpty wrote:I'm scared that someone else with assume control and will lose it all...

Keep in mind that you can't kill an alter and that the host are also an alters. Together you all make up ONE personality of ONE person. When you integrate you all work together well. You feel loved and complete. You can't disappear. You are all parts that right now are separate and isolated. None of you are whole. The memories and experiences of all the parts will be shared. No one is gone. What you have pride in doing right now, you will be able to do even better. You will have the skills of all the parts of your personality. You will be whole.

Also that might concern some: Sometimes a part, often a fragment will choose to get really close to an alter. Then that part no longer talks, but that part feels wonderful and is not protected and cared for instead of being on their own. I have had a lot of fragments join with alters and the alters they joined with report that all of them have never felt better.

-- Fri Dec 28, 2012 11:23 pm --

ChristaAngel wrote:Confusing. Why do I feel younger? Why do I speak differently? Why are my thoughts "sounding or feeling" different? Why do I go into periods where my behavior is completely different and why couldn't I notice this during this period?!

Sounds typical of DID.

I don't know how to accept that...

You need to accept all parts of your ONE personality. Remember, you are just an alter yourself. No better or worse than any other alter in your system.

I don't mind numbness. It was my goal. I don't want to feel anything. At the same time I'm addicted to emotions and feelings, no matter if they are good or bad.

Join the club, but it's time to get out of that rut.

Is this how "normal" memory is supposed to work?

That is hard to say, except that those with DID rarely realize that they have time loss.