Worried about impending dissociation (*trigger warning*)

Well basically, there is a long dissociation that i am rather positive is going to happen somewhat soon, because it's happened before for the same reason.

First off, this dissociation is 'triggered' by something else, i believe, rather than what might 'normally' trigger someone with DID (aka a threat, a reminder of past abuse/trauma, etc.). This one is related to my gender dysphoria (i can elaborate if needed, just ask), which i dissociate because of, also. Almost three years ago was when i had my 'biggest/most involved' dissociation (this was before i knew about my [possible] DID, just to note). It was triggered because my mom's pregnancy, so most of the nine months she was pregnant (maybe not right near the beginning since it's not noticable), i was dissociated. Of course i didn't know at the time, but now i realize that's what must have happened since i don't remember any of that time at all (i can tell it's not just normal 'bad memory' of it either). I only remember a few bits and pieces of one day during it, which was her marriage day. Even then, it was because it's seen as a big event, and even still i only remember as if i only saw pictures of it, even though i was there.

Now my concern is, my mom is pregnant again, and possibly with twins. If it's pregnancy with twins, it will trigger my dysphoria way more. I'm first worried just about the dissociation in general. I'd rather it not happen again, but it's inevitable if i have to see her while she's pregnant. I live in the same house, but i rent the basement so technically i wouldn't see her much, but it's inevitable really. And i'm pretty sure that even a glimpse once she's further along will trigger the dissociation.

Another thing i thought about recently and has me even more worried is the fact that i'm aware of the DID and Duke now. I'm wondering, even though this is a 'dysphoria-related' dissociation, if now he will come out to 'replace' me during it. Does that make sense? And no one really knows about the DID and Duke, so it's not like she/others could just realize that i'm dissociated and Duke is in control. I'm just really worried about that, and i already worry about when he even comes out for a little amount of time when no one's around, never mind for months around everyone i know. Is this possible? Would it be more likely to happen this time rather than last? I don't really have much to take from the last time, since obviously i don't remember anything, or what i was like, or anything like that. I've been trying to get my own place, especially now before she starts 'showing' more, but it's hard, and most likely won't happen before the dissociation is triggered. I'm even trying to see if i can stay with a relative for a few months, but that doesn't seem to be working out either, especially because i'd have my dog and snake with me.

I just feel out of options, like this impending doom is just closing in on me, and i'm frightened. Plus, even after the whole pregnancy thing had passed, the children/babies are a real trigger to Duke. So i really just need to get out of there.

I'm not sure what else to say really. I just wish this wasn't happening.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You say you lost (rougly) 9 months last time - who was out then? If you don't remember them, odds are someone was out. Was it Duke, or someone you're not aware of yet? I'd say odds are the same alter(s) that were out last time, might re-surface/take over again if the trigger is too big to deal with for you (as you say).

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I hope you find a solution,

Thanks.

And i'm really not sure, since i don't remember if i was even aware or anything. And i don't know what i 'was like' or anything, so i couldn't draw conclusions from that.

I'm curious though about what could have happened then. Would an alter definitely be out then? What else could have happened? I wish i had more answers, also so that others had some insight and could help more.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I wish I could.

If 1) you have did and
2) you lose 9 months
I'd say most likely someone took over, yes. If you don't even know if you were aware, it is less likely (since it's not that long ago) that it was just you being dissociative in general. That could be a reason though (dissocative amnesia).

Again, I'm pretty tired and I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
Hope someone answers who can.

Thanks anyways, you provided some information at least.

It makes me wonder, though, about other possible alters i don't know about. I'd think it would be noticeable by others if Duke was out then, that's what i'm thinking.

It may be best to tell you mom what happened/happens, but if you don't feel like doing it, you may try just getting other information. You could somehow try to ask if you were any different the last time when she was pregnant, maybe you could try telling something like you don't really remember that time, when she tells something of that time, maybe say something like that you don't know how you felt that time, or that that time feels a bit strange, whatever, and maybe she'll confirm that (or say something different). Just to probe whether there's any danger in the dissociation.

It is probably not going to feel good to miss nine months - but you better make sure that nothing strange happens that time, right? Then you are at least sure of that.

Yeah i'm probably going to have to do that.

I mentioned the DID and Duke to my therapist yesterday. I don't know how i did it, but didn't discuss him too much. He said he could recommend me to a 'trauma specialist' when i'm ready. But he did suggest in the meantime, explain about at least the dysphoria-related dissociation with my mom to let her know. Also i said i could try to see if i could stay with my aunt for a few months to avoid dissociating in the first place, and he agreed that it would be good if that could happen.

So we'll see what happens. I may talk to my mom later today if she's around. It's gonna be hard, and i've got to find a way to explain dissociation to her.

That's great that you were able to talk about the DID with your therapist
Good luck with talking to your mother and everything.

Yeah lol. I was nervous to bring it up, but i started by asking another time before if he knew much about DID, so i could at least get a foot in the door i guess. Somehow got the courage to mention it, though i was nervous. I just hate it too because i'm on the sensitive side and emotions can overtake me easily, but i don't like them showing. But it went well enough.

Thanks. Hopefully things work out ok. I don't think she needs to know about the DID and Duke right now though.

TRIGGER! TRIGGER! TRIGGER....


yes, you would have had somebody else come out during that time. During my two pregnancies (at 11 and 15) I had like six different alters take over, I lost both babies in a mis.carriage and due to the fact I had been brutally raped... Well, they took over. So the first pregnancy was four months and I didn't remember any of it.then the second one was only a few weeks and I didn't remember it. Somebody else was definitely out in my case and was with you, too.